The Ceremony of Names
So, you've got yourself a boy, eh? And now you're having problems naming him? Well, you've come to the right Princesses. There is a rather uncomplicated ceremony that anyone can perform and then you can have a name for your boy!
Here's what you need:
Your boy (well duh)
You (again, well duh)
Some sort of mushy music (we recommend Kenny G)
A baseball bat (metal is acceptable, but we prefer wood, heavier you know)
A group of your (giggly) friends carrying floral wreaths.
Lots and lots of grapes
A lot of space (really, we aren't kidding. You might need to rent a stadium for this one)
Got all of that? Great! Grab that boy of yours and all of those things and head out to that large area you found. Have your friends carry the grapes and floral wreaths. You carry the baseball bat and hang on to your boy so he doesn't try and bolt.
The first thing to do is to reassure your boy that everything is going to be all right and that it won't hurt a bit. Honestly, we wouldn't put anything on this site that condoned harming another being. We are peaceful people and don't want anyone to ever get hurt because of something we may have said or done.
The second step is to nourish everyone at the ceremony with the grapes. Eat grapes until you're so sick of grapes that you won't be able to eat them ever again. Then sit down in a big circle around the pile of floral wreaths. (set them down before you begin eating)
Once everyone is in the circle, make your boy sit in the center and cover him with the flowers. Oh, are you still holding the bat? Good. Hang on to it, it plays a pretty major role in all of this.
Once your boy is covered in flower wreaths, say this chant:
I now proclaim you to be my boy. From here on out you will bear the title "(your name here)'s Boy."
Chant that a few million times, or until your voice starts to wear out and then you can uncover your boy. (do you still have the bat?)
When your new-named boy is uncovered, help him stand up and make sure he gives you a flower. And that is the end of this very simple ceremony!
Oh, wait. We forgot about the bat. Um... you held it through the whole ceremony... How about finding a ball and playing some baseball with your new boy as the pitcher? Actually, the bat is just there in case your boy tries to bolt. Use it as you see fit, as long as you don't hit anyone with it.
