I don't know what I should tell you about myself. So much has changed and not even Jesse, my Sire, knows all of it. I suppose that I could tell you about the pain. It has been driven through everything that has made up my life.
When I was born in 1978 my parents were very happy. They loved me and took care of all my needs. We had a nice home in the suburbs and I went to a nice school. I had friends and took part in extra-curricular activities. Everything normal and average, and bland. And then I went through puberty. It's difficult for everyone, but when you are discovering that you are gay and that society doesn't exactly approve of your sexuality it is even worse.
I didn't know anything. I thought that I was alone and would always be alone. In some ways I wish I had continued thinking that. I met someone though, a boy at my high school, and we became friends. We even expermented a little; touching, kissing, innocent stuff really. My parents found out though and it wasn't innocent exploration to them. They both freaked out. A lot of things were said and done, but basically all that really happened was that I got kicked out of my home. I wasn't good enough to be their son any longer.
I was sixteen years old. I had no money, no job, no skills, no diploma. I had nothing and so when I went into the city to try to find a way to survive I ended up with one choice. I was propositioned and I accepted on my third night in Gothik and sold my virginity for six dollars and a night in a cheap motel. The next night I came under the protection of the Norwegian; the woman who protects the street kids in the area around the gay clubs.
The Norwegian helps kids get away from the streets and prostitution. She has apartments above her club The Iron Cage and we pay fifteen dollars each month for a one room apartment with bathroom. She also has deals going with the small mom and pop grocery store two blocks away, allowing us to get discounts on anything from pop to condoms. Other things she did that were looked forward to included the free juice at Illusions and help setting up savings accounts so that we could escape "the life." The most important thing she gave us was protection; we each were given a pendant that had the outline of a wolf's head. It was the sign for those around us to treat us carefully. If one of us was harmed she took retribution in blood and flesh from the offender. We were safe on those streets and she expected nothing from us other than the attempt to save ourselves. Drugs were forbidden, pimps were killed in the street, and she even managed to get the Gothik Police Department to look out for us instead of arresting us.
I was one who saved money, learned some new skills, got my G.E.D. and stopped selling my body. I didn't exactly start a legal profession, but I felt safer. I worked for the Norwegian as a hacker. I was able to take what I needed and I harassed her enemies when she directed. It might be said that I was good at that job. I still went to the clubs but it was a relief not to need to pick up johns. It was good to look at people and be someone and not something.
Almost a year after I stopped hustling I met Jesse. When I saw him I thought that he was a whore and I had a sudden desire to take him with me; ask him to get away from prostitution and come with me. Instead he took me from everything I had known. I loved him from that first moment that I saw him and he still tells me that he felt the same for me. It was romantic and we had such passion even after he told me that he was Kindred. Even after he Embraced me in 1997.
We have had some wonderful times together. I have been adopted by the Norwegian, the woman I now know as Suneyva Loeste. Jesse is my lover and friend, and he is more than I deserve. Through the difficulties of the past year he has protected me from even Suneyva and without his help I would never have healed from the trauma we suffered together.
That Tzimisce that attacked Jesse in 1850 did not die and he found Jesse last summer. He took us both and before Jesse woke he raped me. Laying next to my lover, not knowing where we were or if we would survive. Not even knowing what was touching me until I saw him afterwards; the scaly, disfigured body. Jesse offered himself for my freedom and I was released. Suneyva had the Tzimisce killed and Jesse was saved the very next day, miraculously in both of our opinions.
Jesse always said that I was stronger, but he was wrong. He could heal and I could not. All I had was that fear that gradually became hate. I blamed Jesse for the rape, for everything really. He forgave me for that and for my actions. I still don't understand how he can forgive me for all that I have done when I can not forgive myself. I attacked innocents to feed, hurting them in such terrible ways. When I was in their position I was protected, but no one protected these kids from me. I...I raped four boys, two of which were supposed to be under the Norwegian's protection. The last of them was Ben, who is promised to be Jesse's Ghoul now.
I didn't get away with this. Jesse told Suneyva and I was brought back to the Zoo for punishment. Jesse begged for my life so I was only beaten, and then we were at the cabin together for a very long time it seemed and I even hurt Jesse. And still he forgave me. I have so much to make up for. So many things to do to show Jesse that he is everything to me and that I would never hurt him again by choice. I just have to figure out how to make him see that I love him again. I have to find a way to atone for what I have done and perhaps then I might be able to get away from this pain. Away from the guilt I carry so heavily.
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