Jesse has told me that my life is similar to both his and Paul's. I guess in some ways that is right, but he doesn't seem to understand. There are some important differences. I didn't have the choices he did.

It goes without saying that something had to happen for me to become part of this life. I'm just not sure who it was that decided that giving birth to one more pathetic creature on this planet would be a good thing. They certainly didn't stay around long enough to see what the consequences of their mistake would be to that life; to me. I was abandoned to a charity orphange when I was almost two months old. There wasn't even a note with me telling the members of the church when I was born or what my name was though.

I was property of the orphange; sounds strange to most people I suppose but most don't have any experience with this sort of orphange. It wasn't really run by those nice charitable types that operated the building in the day. The kids here were taken by something that dwelled within during the nights. Something that shuffled down the halls, checking our beds and visiting us in our dreams.

Jesse tells me that I have repressed memories because I can't recall where all my scars come from. He thinks that they are from his kind, Kindred, only he calls them Sabbat. It disturbs him to think that they might look for me one day. They might. I was one of three to escape from them two years ago.

At fourteen I was the youngest and perhaps that is what has saved me; I have grown and changed and the others would not have. And they were both killed. I saw them kill Julie in the middle of the sidewalk as people walked around them. People who didn't even pause as they walked by. I knew it would be the same for me; I would be taken in the middle of a public square and I could cry and scream all I wanted because no one would even see me.

Sometimes I wake in the evening still screaming from those dreams. Jesse isn't there to help me, his Sire has problems to deal with for the clan, and I am alone. It's supposed to be different when Jesse makes me his Ghoul. He's been waiting for the right time he says, until I'm ready. I think that he is as scared as I am. I'm only sixteen and I'm supposed to make this decision which will alter the rest of my life all because he feels guilty for his Childe's sins.

Jesse pities me and he loves Paul. He loves the one who broke me and so he is trying to fit the pieces back together...he just doesn't seem to realize that some of those fragments were already missing. I wasn't a virgin when Paul raped me. I had been used before that, just never so roughly. I didn't do rough trade, the Norwegian forbade us from being injured for the slime that frequented our streets. That didn't mean we were treated gently or with any care though. After all we were still only whores. Being used for sex was what our existance was no matter how glossed over it could be.

So I'm with Jesse and Paul and they take care of my needs and wants, as I try to help them. But I have no place in this. I won't until Jesse finally takes me, does whatever he needs to do for me to become his Ghoul. I guess it isn't too difficult. It could be worse.