| Sunday May 11th 2003 A relationship is like a plant. It needs constant nurturing in order to flourish - lots of careful watering and attention, and good soil, to reach its maximum potential. Sometimes I forget that, and I treat it more like a building or something; something that you work on til it's finished and then you're done, and you can start taking it for granted and not worry about it too much. This morning I was re-reading old letters LA sent me last fall, and reliving the feelings I had the first time I read them, and remembering some of the things I wrote to her. And I realized that yes, although some things do fade with time (nervously awaiting her call, thoughts totally consumed with worry, wondering whether this is all going to lead somewhere or I'm just fooling myself and she's not going to call me), other things should not (sheer gratefulness for good fortune, wanting to know every detail of her day, wondering what she's doing now). I was blamed in a past relationship for not being attentive enough; for not showing I care enough. Those accusations had merit, and I swore it would not be a mistake I'd repeat again. But I'm doing a self-check, and I feel as though there's warning lights on my dashboard. I need to review some old entries on this site, to remember what it was like before LA. I need to read more of her old letters. And most importantly, I need to write her some new ones, and follow those up with actions. I need to remind her every day that I love her, because I don't want her to forget. I need to keep doing things that will prove I feel what I say I do, and not just say them. I've said I will be forever grateful to her for entering my life. I am, and I will continue to be. I want to know every detail of her day, and listen to everything she tells me, and ask her questions later about how it turned out. And I wish I knew what she was doing right now - right now, while I'm typing. It's the same as when I wondered what that woman I wanted to meet someday was doing right then, wherever she was, as I was looking for her. The only difference now is, I know who she is. :) But that makes all the difference in the world. |