| Tuesday October 29th, 2002 I could use the cop-out of saying LA is occupying my thoughts so thoroughly, I no longer often have time to update my site. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think this site serves primarily as medicine for lonliness, and without that lonliness I don't feel as driven to make use of it, or even to care about it all that much. I wonder whether lonliness isn't, ultimately, the driving force behind all the personal sites out there? Not necessarily a lonliness due to lack of a close loved one - there's lots of married folks, or otherwise happily attached folks, maintaining sites. But a lonliness to make a connection with someone who understands on a level of complete and total sympathy with what you're experiencing. I almost forget what my original motivations were, now. I just thought it would be a good idea. Over the months that followed, I had many days when I looked forward to sharing someting about that day here; something about what I was thinking, something that might get other people thinking and debating about it. I doubt I often succeeded at that. But I do hope that at least once in a while, in my own quest for insight, I helped someone achieve an insight of their own. I suppose I might come back to this on a more regular basis when my new romance stabilizes. But right now that consumes my life, and I want it to stay that way as long as possible. I want to have these all night phone conversations and endless series of e-mails back and forth, and handwritten letters when even that doesn't feel like enough contact. If I have a moment to stop and write something now, it's with an ink pen on a sheet of paper to a very special someone in my life. The love of my life. 'Love' and 'forever' are big - huge - words. They carry a lot of weight. I've spoken both of them to LA without reservation. I read her a poem over the phone tonight; something I rediscovered that I wrote years and years ago. It was a poem to the woman I sought and had not yet met; a long metaphor about a quiet midnight garden where I would be waiting for her to arrive, where we would share our stories about the places we'd been and the things we'd seen. So maybe it isn't a cop-out to say LA fully occupies my time after all. We've a lot of stories and secrets to share, a lot of past to merge and future to dream of, and a lot of love to give one another, on and on and on. Is it any wonder I appear so quiet to the rest of the world ... |