| Tuesday May 21st 2002 The worst thing about lonliness is there's no easy cure. Even when you're out with friends, you're still faced with knowing you're going home alone tonight. It gets me once in a while, and last night was one of those times. I wanted to sit down in front of some sappy movie with a big bowl of ice cream - but I didn't have a VCR, or even any ice cream. I settled with seeing Episode 2 again (yeah, twice in the same weekend), and that helped a bit. I'm mostly over it now - I really get irritated with myself when I'm like that! It largely came about following a meeting with someone I met on Quest. I get too excited about these things. I can't 100% prevent myself from imagining grandiose things that could arise, or from considering the possibility that this could be the moment I meet someone who becomes special to me for years to come. It's a major let down when I don't get it. So then comes the 'step back and give this some time' stage, where I make an effort to be friendly while I'm soothing over that disappointed voice inside, in case there's still a possibility and I'm only mistaken. And then there's the stage where you know nothing's happening here, and you're getting depressed and it isn't even over yet. I'm also having trouble targetting the right age group - and remembering which one I belong to. I'm older than I look, and I feel younger than I am. I want to appeal to some higher authority and say 'don't make me older, I haven't caught up yet!' My body's about eight to ten years ahead of my experience, I'm beginning to think. I have the marriage experience behind me now, at least, but I'm wrestling with the perception I had that hey, I'm 22 again and I get to try this from scratch a second time. It doesn't work like that. I'm 28 now - 29 in a couple of weeks, actually. I'm a horrible, dreadful judge of age. I see somebody cute, and then I realize how freakin' young she is and I'm not in highschool anymore. I've got a secret fear of becoming a 'dirty old man'; I don't want to show any definite interest in anyone until I've confirmed they're at least 25, maybe 24 at a stretch. Graduated, living on their own, with some real world experience in their pocket. The tricky part is, I can't play the 'experienced older man'. Experientially, I feel younger than anyone in my age range. What's the solution to that? |