| Wednesday April 17th 2002 The results are in, and I'm sorry to say romance didn't bloom this time out. The puzzling thing is that all the pieces are there: she's smart, funny, cute, mature, happy... and the only thing missing is the spark. I found exactly what I was looking for, and it didn't work. I don't get it. Maybe I think too much, absurd though it sounds. I try to reason out what kind of person will suit me best and set out to find someone who fits the template. But does love really work that way? I'd once hoped I'd have some answers by this age, but I'm coming up dry. My greatest fear is that the older I get, the more picky I'll become. That I'll find someone who scores 90/100 and the 10 percent that's missing will irk me so much I'll miss out on something wonderful. But I console myself by recognizing that's not the reality. The reality is that it all comes down to that feeling in your gut, loathe though my logic-oriented mind is to admit it - that one that says 'hoo-boy, we're onto something here'. I haven't felt that since highschool, so that's my other worry - do you grow out of the ability to feel that anymore, becoming too wordly, and searching for someone who inspires it now becomes hopeless? I hate hurting people. I felt obliged to tell her this morning I think we're stuck in friendship mode. Not that there's anything to be sad about - like I said, she's somebody I look forward to doing things with. But I had some high expectations. I really wanted romance, on my very first try after separation from my ex. If only life were so simple. I think she took it better than I felt giving it, so I guess that's good. I've made the mistake of not trying to hurt someone before. I didn't say to my ex that I wasn't positive I loved her because the butterflies weren't there; I wasn't sure we should get married because I shouldn't feel so ambivalent about it - and now I'm divorced, because eventually she figured it out anyway. It wasn't a waste of time, we had some good years - but it didn't have to happen that way. Which is counter-intuitive to my point the other week that it's better to try, better to take a risk. But it's also good to acknowledge when the odds are stacked against you. Sometimes asking the dealer to 'hit me' would be as painful as it sounds. |