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Baby Angel's Story
The Big Surprise!
I found out I was pregnant on March 12, 2001. After having two kids,I somehow knew I was but I hesitated to take a test until a week
after I missed my period. I was taking birth control pills but I kept
forgetting to take them so it was no surprise. I was on my last month of
school and finals were coming up so I was pretty occupied with studying.
My husband ~C and I discussed before that if I got pregnant that I would
terminate the pregnancy. I aggreed thinking that there's no way I would
end up pregnant.
"~C, I'm pregnant",I told my husband. We knew that this wasn't the
right time to have this baby. I was going to go into the medical field
and get my associates degree to become a medical assistant. Finals were
coming up also. ~C from the start didn't want the baby. We were already
struggling with both of us in school and taking care of two small boys.
He said that I needed to have an abortion that I should schedule an
appointment. But I didn't want to, I wanted the baby. I got pregnant at 15
and 17 and abortion was never a consideration for me. I'm pretty pro-choice
but I knew that I never wanted to do it for myself. God had a plan for me,
this baby was a gift to my family and I wanted to keep it. I've always
wanted to have a lot of children. Now, we are struggling but we had the
love and support in the family. I knew that we would be able to handle it
together.
The Difficult Choice
I tried so hard to convince ~C that this child had to stay in our family.
But no matter what, he didn't budge. I was just going to graduate and who
would hire a pregnant woman with no experience in the medical field. It
seem too much to handle and at a time, I almost agreed but quickly stood
my ground. I was already picturing my beautiful baby in my arms. A gift
of God so precious. But I wasn't going to get any support, I already knew
that. I ended up going to an abortion clinic to schedule the appointment.
I gave my last menstrual period. I was only 5 weeks along. The receptionist
said that I could take medication(Mifeprex) to miscarry instead of going
through the surgery.
It was only offered for women under 7 weeks.
~C asked about the prices. Mifepex was more expensive than the surgery and
there were no payment plans for it only in surgery. We reallly didn't have
any money for this. The receptionist gave us information on both and the
abortion clinic's phone number so I can call once I made up my mind.
I didn't want either. I wanted my baby!.
As me and my husband drove home, I read the Mifeprex information. It would
happen as if I miscarried. I would bleed heavily and have cramps. That's it.
Then I read the surgery information. I started crying as I got to the part of the vacuum
aspirator "sucking out the products of conception". I pictured my baby being
pulled apart and cried harder. I couldn't do it! At least not that way.
I chose the medication. Fortunetly, the next appointment was a week away.
Hopefully it will be enough time to change ~C's mind.
Running out of Time
I kept trying to change his mind all the time. "What if
this is our little girl?" After having two boys, I was very anxious for
another baby and hopefully it would be a girl. But no matter how much I
tried to reason with him, there was just no way. I saw him as being
very insensitive but I think that it was his way of dealing with a
difficult decision. I tried not to get to attached to my pregnancy
like trying not to touch my belly or talk to it but sometimes I
couldn't help it. I told my baby that I truly loved him and will
fight to keep him but time was already running out. I cried so
much and I prayed. I told my mother and she immediately thought that
I was going to keep it. "I can't, ~C doesn't want it" I explained
to my mother. She was surprise that I even had an appointment set
up. When I got pregnant at 15, my mother suggested an abortion but
for the first time, I had to runaway to save my baby. My parents
understood how serious this baby was to me and supported me. Now
I have my 5 year old son who will start kindergarden this year.
At 17, after knowing ~C for only 2 months, I got pregnant again.
I told him and he said that he would pay for the abortion.
I told him that I was keeping it but I just wanted to know if he
wanted to be involve or was I only going to do this by myself.
I was now pregnant with my second baby and didn't want to be
in a relationship that wasn't supportive. It was already going
to be hard enough for me. He obviously stayed and now my second
is 3 years old.
The Unexpected
March 26, 2001: The night before my appointment, we took the kids to get some pizza
for dinner. I tried so hard to not cry in front of my sons. They didn't
even know that I was pregnant. I didn't know if it was safe to let them
know yet. I still had a couple of hours before we would be walking in to
the clinic to kill my baby. I tried to stay optimistic maybe God will
change his mind at the last minute and won't want to do this. After eating,
I commented to ~C "This is the baby's last dinner". He didn't respond.
I could see that he didn't want to think about it. A couple of minutes
later, I started cramping really bad and I noticed some spotting when
I went to the bathroom. I called an on-call nurse from my insurance
company and she suggested I went to the emergency room. Since we didn't have a
babysitter, I went by myself while ~C stayed with the kids.
At the hospital, they saw me right away and did an ultrasound.
I didn't see the ultrasound, I just stared at the ceiling. It
felt like I was in a dream. I was so scared, hoping it was
nothing serious. Maybe the pizza was bad and it was just food
poisoning or something. But I knew what it could be. I was
bleeding and cramping. Like a miscarriage.
I've miscarried before. I didn't even know I was pregnant until it
happened. "Please God, don't take my baby away", I cried silently
as the technician did an ultrasound. I remember that when I got
ultrasounds with my sons, I could hear the hearbeat too. But the
only sound was the monitor running. I thought maybe they turned the
sound off.
After my bleeding stop, they finally had the diagnosis: fetal demise.
"We can't find a heartbeat. You're still pregnant but with
a non-viable pregnancy. You should miscarry soon" The doctor
said. After he left, I got dressed and started crying hysterically
My baby is dead! He died so he wouldn't have to suffer! The
Lord took him because I wasn't worthy of this child! All these
thoughts rushed my mind and felt like a hard blow to my chest.
The nurse helped me catch my breath. I was hyperventilating, choking
between cries and sobs. I sign the discharge papers which said that
I should follow-up with my OB/GYN. I took a copy home.
I drove home, trying not to cry. I was so mad, hurt and felt so helpless.
I started feeling resentful towards ~C. He should be happy with these news
We won't be paying for anything now. When I got home, I told ~C
what the doctor said. "I don't need to go to my appointment
tomorrow, the baby is dead already". I held my anger, got ready
for bed and cried silently til I fell asleep.
Continuing On
The next week was a big blur. I had to study for my finals and prepare
to graduate. I was also talking to my OB/GYN about scheduling for a
D & C since I was contantly bleeding but I couldn't miscarry yet.
We gave my insurance a week to respond to the pre-authorization but by
Friday night, my OB/GYN said to just go to a different hospital and
say that I was bleeding and in pain, and they'll call him and he'll
suggest a D & C as an emergency. That way the insurance will have to
pay for it.
The Final Goodbye
March 31, 2001: I got my mother to babysit my boys and me and ~C left for the hospital.I got another ultrasound, and the lady that was doing it had a strange
look in her face. I asked what was wrong. She asked me if there were
twins in my family. I did mention that there were in mine but not in ~C's
that I knew of.
As I was waiting for the doctor, I started reading my chart. According to
ultrasound there could be one or two sacs. It was unclear if I had twins.
I touch my stomach and said a little prayer. I said the final goodbye.
I was put under anesthesia for the first time in my life. When I woke up
after I asked ~C if the doctor checked to see if I was carrying twins.
He said that the doctor didn't check. That was weird but I left it at that.
Recovery
The very next day, I started studying hard for my finals. It kept me occupied
but when I would take a break I would just cry. I couldn't
help it. I wanted my baby. I struggled so much to be able to keep it but
I wasn't strong enough. The doctor told me that this happens often but
I had a different view. The baby felt me when I would cry and felt the
stress all day. It knew that it wasn't a healthy place. I feel responsible
and guilty. I was depressed and angry but I had to move on. It's been a
year and I still miss my baby.
