This started out as an experiment. It had been suggested to me to keep a diary of my search as it would help me to be able to go back and remember some of the things I experienced. I decided to share my search experience and thoughts hoping that it may help to educate those unacquainted with adoption and search to understand its many aspects and ramifications. As I started doing this, I found it therapeutic for me. I also found that others were interested to follow me in my search. Here is a peek into my experience.
Before we go any further let me give you a little "key" to some of the terms that I may use in this diary: "A" at the beginning of a word such as amom, adad, afamily, etc. refers to 'adoptive'. For instance, amom refers to adoptive mom, etc. By the same token "B" refers to 'birth', such as bmom, bdad, bfamily, etc.
You will see Caroline referred to many, many times. She is my searcher. Through the miracle of the internet and probably some "divine intervention" I found this wonderful lady. She is a reunited bmom who found her son. She is a wonderful lady and together we are going to find my bfamily.
| June
8, 1998 In Salt Lake City, Utah visiting my best friend for his birthday. The subject of my adoption comes up in a conversation. He asked me if I've ever considered searching for my birthmom. I told him I've thought about it from time to time but have never done anything about it. I told him I really didn't even know where to start. He pulled out a phone directory and said, "Here, call LDS Social Services and ask them if they will give you some information." We found the phone number and I nervously dialed. When a woman answered the phone I said, "Hello. I was adopted through LDS Social Services and I'd like to find my birthfamily." She said, "We can't help you", and hung up. I hung up the phone thinking, "But, what about all the emphasis "the church" puts on the importance of families? Why won't they help me find mine?" |
| August
1998 Surfing the internet. Type in Keyword: Adoption and click Go. I find the Adoption Forum on AOL. Click on "message boards" and find lots and lots of message boards. I find one where people have posted their info. What the heck? I post my info. A couple of nights later I go back to the Adoption Forum to see what else is there. I find an area that lists several searchers. What the heck? I send an email to all the searchers listed explaining that I'm searching for my birthfamily. I ask if any of them can help. I receive an email back from a woman named Caroline. I can't remember all the details now of that original email but she offered to help. We make an agreement for her to assist me in my search. Little did I know what an impact this lady was about to have on my life. |
| September 7 thru 11 Sent request for non-identifying information (non-id) to LDS Social Services. Included Confidentiality Waiver. A confidentiality waiver is placed in the adoption file. This gives the agency permission to give out my contact information should a member of my birthfamily contact them. Wrote to State of Utah for birth certificate. Requested registration form from ISRR. Sent letter to LDS Hospital requesting birth records. Sent retainer form and $50 to Caroline to begin search. Sent information form to Caroline. |
| September 16, 1998 Have not heard back from LDS Social Services. Called and spoke to Tammy at LDS Social Services in SLC. She referred me to Colo. Branch. |
| September 16,
1998 Spoke to Monique at Vital Records. She will send me a form to fill out to register for Mutual Consent Registry in Utah. $25 fee to register. |
| September 16, 1998 Received reg. form from ISRR |
| September 17, 1998 Mailed registration form to ISRR. |
| September 18, 1998 Received form letter from LDS Hospital. "We are unable to request the records you have requested." I made a BIG mistake when I wrote to the hospital. I'm learning as I go here about the dos and don'ts of searching. Not knowing any better I mentioned the "A" word (adoption) when I wrote asking for my birth records. Mental note here: Don't EVER, EVER mention the "A" word when writing for information. |
| September 26, 1998 Called LDS Social Services in Aurora, CO and requested my non-id. They will send to SLC for it and when it is sent back to them then they will contact me. $25 fee. |
| September 22,
1998 11:44a.m. Spoke to Tammy at LDS Social Services. Asked her if she would tell me if my birthmom has placed a Confidentiality Waiver in my file. She explained that it "is not their policy" to give out that information because of legal reasons. I told her that I understand that they can't give me the information on the Waiver for legal reasons, but why can't they tell me if the Waiver is in my file? She said, "That is our policy." When I continued to press her, she put me on hold to check to see if she could tell me. After a few minutes she came back on the line and said she is still checking. She said she will call me when she finds out. |
| September 22, 1998 -
13:45 Spoke with Tammy S. They do not give out information of any kind. She said the only purpose a Waiver serves is to update your information in the file for your own piece of mind. (Why update the info. in my file if it will NOT be shared with my birthmom?) If my birthmother contacted them, she would be told the same thing and directed to contact Mutual Consent Registry. |
| September 22, 1998 Attended AIS (Adoptees In Search) meeting. They meet the fourth Tuesday of the month. They also have an emotional support group that meets the first Tuesday of the month. |
| October 1,
1998 Received phone call from Tammy at LDS Social Services. She said that she found out that they CAN tell me if my birthmother placed a confidentiality waiver in my file, but will not tell me the information on it. She is initiating a search from her end. She will be sending my file to Colo. She said if I don't hear from them in a couple of weeks to call and ask them if they received my file. Funny, they don't give out identifying information to protect anonymity of mother. If birthmother has placed a confidentiality waiver in the file, she is saying that she doesn't want to be anonymous, yet they will still not give out information. At least I will be able to know if she has at least placed one in there. If she has, it will give me a little piece of mind to know that she's open to being found. |
| October 7, 1998 Mailed registration form to Utah Mutual Consent Registry. $25 fee and certified copy of birth certificate. I need to send for another copy of birth certificate now. |
| October 12, 1998 Text of E-mail to Caroline: Subject: Can we say "lots" of emotions?!?!?!?!?!? I got a phone call from LDS Social Services today. I have an appointment on Wed. at 4:15pm to get my non-id. (those Mormons and their formalities) He told me that he's afraid there isn't much there. He said my birthmom did not contact them until one week before I was born. He also said my file has the least amount of information he has seen in any of these that he has done. He said he was telling me this to try and prepare me so I wouldn't be quite so disappointed when I get it since it is costing me $25. Kind of what I expected as far as not much info. Of course we haven't seen what he has yet, so there may still be something in there that will help. On one hand, it's a little disheartening to have my suspicions confirmed by him telling me that I'm not going to get much information. On the other hand, I have received my first piece of information about my existence (as small as it is). That is that my birthmother only contacted them a week before I was born. This means I REALLY DO HAVE A BIRTHMOM! (I don't know if that makes sense or not.) Up until now I guess I still have not been able to fully comprehend that I have/had a birthmother. At last someone has confirmed that fact. As little a piece of information as that is, it still gives me some encouragement that I am really beginning to search for a real person instead of someone that I dreamed up. All these emotions that this little incident has stirred up are piled on top of some other emotions that I have been feeling the last couple of days. I'm sure you have heard about the young gay man that was murdered in Laramie, Wyoming. I just came back from a candlelight vigil held at the State Capitol here in Denver. It was really nice and there were lots of wonderful, powerful speakers. Needless to say, I have been experiencing lots of emotions surrounding that horrific event. THEN, to add to this little pile; last night in The Backyard, a woman was reunited with her birthmom. She has been searching for 2 1/2 years and she and her mother found each other last night. I am so happy for her. With this event I am experiencing great joy for someone that has been successful in their search. At the same time, a little sadness because it is someone else and not me. Don't get worried, I'm okay. I just wanted to first share with you the information that I got today from LDS Social Services but also I guess I needed to share with someone some of the emotions and feelings that I am experiencing right now. |
| October
14, 1998 Received my non-id. Yep, not much here. |
| November,
1998 Received letter from Utah Mutual Consent Registry acknowledging receipt of my registration form. There was no match in their database. My info will be entered into database. If there is ever a match I will be notified. Right now the most discouraging part of searching for me is that it appears that neither my birthmom or any other member of my birthfamily is searching for me. I can't help but wonder why my birthmother is not looking for me. Doesn't she want to know if I'm still alive? Doesn't she wonder if I turned out okay? Doesn't she want to know me? The questions run on and on through my mind. At the same time, I know that there are many, many reasons that birthmothers do not search for the children that they relinquished. Many were told that they had NO RIGHT to know their children. They were told to forget that it ever happened and go on with their lives. They were told what horrible, nasty girls they were. Many birthmothers are not even aware that they CAN search. I understand most of the reasons that birthmothers and birth families do not search but it doesn't completely take away the sadness and emptiness that accompanies my realization that MY FAMILY is not even looking for me. December 10, 1998 - part of the text of an email to Caroline: I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with the woman who thinks she could possibly be my sister. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours. I'm a little freaked, but trying not to get myself too worked up in case this is a false alarm. BUT...there are a LOT of interesting similarities. I tried to take a few notes (when I'd remember to write). This turned out to be a false alarm but it sure was exciting for a while. |
| January 7, 1999 I received an email from Caroline. She is going to contact my adoptive mom (amom) the first part of next week. We are hoping that she will be cooperative and that she will give Caroline any info that she has that might help us. Caroline asked me to give her a list of questions that I would like her to ask. I also have asked Caroline if she will ask my amom for my baby picture album. For years I have regretted not getting that before I ended contact with my adoptive family. It has also occurred to me since I began searching that when I do find my birthfamily I don't have any pictures from my childhood that I would be able to share with them. |
| January 7, 1999 39 years ago today my birthmother met with the social worker to make the arrangements for my relinquishment. This is the first year that I have ever had this information. I'm not sure how to feel about this day. I mean, this is the day that my mother made arrangements to give me up, to not be my mother. I don't know that I necessarily feel sad. It's just a little strange knowing that on this day 39 years ago that my life was drastically changed forever and I had not even been born yet. I'll probably have more thoughts about this later. |
| January 9, 1999 I've been doing a lot more thinking about the day my mother made the arrangements for my relinquishment. It was not only my life that was drastically changed forever. My mother's life was also drastically changed. I cannot even begin to imagine what that was like for her. I cannot begin to imagine the pain she must have experienced in making this decision. I hope that in the last 39 years she has been able to work through the pain and the loss she experienced. I hope that she does not blame herself or continue to feel guilty for the decision that she made. Someday I hope that we really do find her so that I can let her know that I have turned out okay and that I have a good life. I want to be able to thank her for giving me life. Today I started putting together thoughts for a newspaper ad I want to place in the paper on my birthday. It's going to take some work and much more thought to get it worded just the way I want it. I emailed it to several friends and have received some great input and suggestions. Thank god for friends! |
| January 10, 1999 Caroline will be contacting my adoptive mom in the next couple of days. It is going to be interesting to hear the results of that phone call. As I have not had contact with my adoptive parents for several years I have no idea how receptive they will be to Caroline's phone call. I also don't know if they will be willing to share any information they have with her. Since I was adopted through LDS Social Services I wonder how much, if any, information they would have been given in the first place. At the very least, I am hoping that they will have my adoption decree and will let Caroline have that. There is a chance that there could be some information there that could help us to locate my birthmom. I have to admit, I'm going to be a little nervous until I find out how this goes. |
| January 14, 1999 My gosh, what a day this was! Just about two minutes before I was to leave work for the day I got an IM (Instant Message) from Caroline. She said that she had just hung up the phone from talking to my adopted sister Alicen. She had called my aparents house to talk to my amom. My amom was at work and Alicen just happened to be there. It turns out that she is also searching for her birth family. I called Alicen this evening and we talked about our searches. She said that after she got off the phone with Caroline she called our amom at work and told her about Caroline's call and that she would be calling back. She told our amom to find all my papers and have them ready when Caroline calls. Caroline did call back a little later, but apparently my amom had to work late and still was not home. Caroline is going to call tomorrow evening. Alicen has been searching off and on for a few years she said. I, of course, directed her here to my web page to register on the online registries. I'm a little jealous after talking to her. She knows her birth last name. She got it from her adoption decree which our amom gave to her. I hope when Caroline calls tomorrow that my amom will send it to her. Hopefully my birth name will be on my decree as well. Alicen was born here in Denver, Colorado. I got her info from her. I'm going to see if I can help her from this end as well. It would be exciting if I could do something to help her find her birth family too. |
| January 18, 1999 Caroline talked to my amom (adoptive mom) on Friday, the 15th. My adoptive parents have no information that can help us. I suspected that was going to be the case but it was discouraging to have it confirmed. Caroline said my amom is going to contact LDS Social Services and see if they will give her any info. Caroline said sometimes agencies will give aparents info that they won't give to anyone else. I don't think this will happen in my case. I doubt that LDS SS gives info to anyone. I'm feeling pretty discouraged today. It sure isn't looking like we are ever going to find any information. My amom did tell Caroline that my bmom wanted me to be adopted by an LDS family and that is why she went to LDS SS. I wonder if she knew how difficult that would make it for us to ever find each other. Why does the LDS church tell the world how important families are but will do nothing to help me find mine? Sorry this post is not very upbeat, but I'm not feeling very upbeat today about this whole search business. I'm not giving up, I'm just discouraged today. This is my diary of my search so it can't always be positive and cheerful. Sometimes I wonder why I had to go and get myself involved in this mess. I sometimes think I should have left well enough alone. Those feelings usually don't last very long but some days that is how I feel. That's kind of how I'm feeling today. I'm sure I will probably be better by tomorrow. Sometimes I just get so angry and frustrated by "the system" that tells me I have no right to know where I came from. |
| January 18,
1999 This is an email message I received from a birthmother who visited my web site and my response to her. I have deleted her email address. The rest is just as it was sent to me with no changes. This is the first negative response I have received to my web site. I have received countless encouraging letters from adoptees and bmoms. I am including this particular letter to show the pain that some birthmothers still carry around with them. I wonder if this birthmom would not still be carrying around so much pain and hurt if she had been allowed the opportunity to know her daughter all along. Subj: adoption Date: 99-01-15 22:32:27 EST From: (name omitted) To: Cdavetype Dave, Have you ever thought that maybe your birth mother doesn't want to be found. I gave up a baby girl for adoption years ago because I was young, stupid, and had gotten myself into trouble. It was a very hard decision for me to do but it is one that I have never regretted. I always have felt that because of me, some couple that couldn't have children, was able to have a child to love and care for. I had adopted brothers and sisters in my family and I have always been very grateful to whom ever the girls were that they gave up their babies so I could have brothers and sisters. I love my brothers and sisters, very much, you see I was an only child. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the same thing. I went through the LDS Social Services also. I made a list of the type of people I wanted my baby to go to and of the types of things I wanted them to do. I wanted them to be active in the church, be outdoors type of people, be fun people, and things like that. I was able to approve the people my baby went to. I made sure that a full history, medical and who her descendants were, was given to the adoptive parents so she would know all about where she came from. What her ancestors did, and her medical history. I know that she went to a very good home. I know that if she came looking for me
now in my life, it would destroy the life and family I have now. My husband
knows about her and was willing to overlook the fact that I have a child out in
the world somewhere. It was hard when I had our first child to think that I had
another child but she was not my child to have. It was through my body that
someone else was able to have the joy like I had when I had my "first child."
Just leave things alone and go on with your life and make the best of it that
you possibly can. Let sleeping dogs lie. I hope that my "birth child" does not
use your web sight to try to find me, I would be very
unhappy. HERE IS MY
RESPONSE TO HER: ISN'T SEARCHING FUN??? |
| January 18, 1999 Placed ad to run in Salt Lake City newspapers for three days surrounding my birthday on Friday the 22nd, Saturday the 23rd, and Sunday the 24th. Ad will read as follows: I WAS BORN 1/23/60 at LDS Hospital 4:56pm, adopted thru LDS Social Services. Looking for any member of my birth family. Then it listed my phone number and email address. Ad cost $75! My gosh, I don't want to buy the paper, just a small 5 line ad. January 22, 1999 Checked online edition of Salt Lake Tribune Classifieds to check for my ad. It is the first ad in the Personals Section. It's reassuring that it's not in the middle somewhere of a sea of ads. |
| January 23, 1999 Today is my birthday. I have not been looking forward to today for the last week. I was afraid this was going to be a really depressing sad day, but it has turned out to be probably the best birthday I have had. There has not been a minute all day, though, that I haven't wondered if my bmom is thinking about me. I received a BUNCH of online birthday greetings from so many wonderful, loving friends I could hardly keep up with them all. I also received several cards in the mail from wonderful friends. What I thought was going to be a depressing day turned out to be a reminder of just how full my life is. I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful, beautiful people in my life. I'm one of the luckiest people on this planet. The only thing that could make it better would be to have my birth family be a part of it too. Maybe next year. This is not related to my search, but I also bought a new car today. Happy Birthday To Me!!! |
| January 24, 1999 I got a call today from a woman in Park City, Utah that saw my ad. She left a message saying that she is looking for a half-Hispanic sister born the same time I was. I called her back just to let her know it isn't me. It was reassuring at least to know that someone saw my ad. Later on in the afternoon, I got an email from a woman named Cathy in Salt Lake City. She wrote asking if I am the adoptee that is searching. I wrote back and told her that yes, I am. She wrote back and explained that she is a searcher who searches in Utah. She asked me to send her my non-id which I did. She gave me her phone number and asked that I call her to discuss what she might be able to do. |
| January 25, 1999 I talked to Caroline (my searcher) on the phone tonight. She received a package from my amom. There were no papers in it, but my amom did send a small album of pictures of my childhood. That was really nice of her to do that. I will now have some of my pictures. I sent Caroline an email today telling her about hearing from Cathy and sent her the email that I received from her. I wanted to get her thoughts on what Cathy had to say and I also wanted her to know about Cathy's offer to help. I certainly didn't want Caroline to think that I was going behind her back. Of course, Caroline was totally supportive of anyone offering to help us. She said "GO FOR IT!" I called Cathy in Salt Lake tonight and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours. She seems to know the ins and outs of the system in Utah. She feels fairly confident that she will be able to help me. She was pretty appalled to learn that LDS Social Services does not honor Confidentiality Waivers. We had a really nice conversation. Cathy told me that about a month ago she learned that there is a publication called "The Salt Lake Times." It is a type of "newspaper" that is published primarily for attorneys to be able to search for legal notices, court dockets, etc. for pertinent information to save them the trouble of having to sift through the newspapers for it. When she found out about this publication she thought at the time that it was not anything she would ever have a need for. However, she thinks it might be just what we need in my case. My non-id states that my birthparents were divorcing when I was born, that they couldn't locate my birthfather when the divorce decree was issued. Also that I had to be placed in foster care for a month to six weeks until they could obtain a "Father's Release." Cathy is going to try and go down to the University of Utah tomorrow where these publications are held and see what she can find. She is hoping to find my birthparents divorce notice and then find the notice that had to have been published notifying my birthfather that I was being placed for adoption. She is hoping to find names that match. This looks really positive. Maybe, just maybe, we will finally be able to find some concrete information to go on. |
| January 26, 1999 I went to the monthly Adoptees In Search meeting tonight. When I got home I checked to see if Cathy had called and left any messages. No messages. So, I got online to check my email. Oh my gosh!!! She sent me an email saying that she had been able to check on the legal notices and that she would like to talk to me tomorrow to discuss what she found. She ended the email by saying, "I think you will be happy with what I found." Oh my gosh, I'm a little freaked out now. I of course have no idea exactly 'what' she found but she must have found something that is going to help us or she wouldn't have said that. This is the first time since I began searching that I have felt like we might get somewhere. The last sentence in Cathy's email tonight was "Sleep well tonight." Yeah, right! I'm can call her after 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'm calling her at 8:30:01!!! It's going to be tough trying to get any sleep tonight. This all kind of feels like a weird dream or something. I am so excited and I don't even know what I'm so excited about yet! |
| January 27, 1999 Oh my gosh . . . I'm pretty freaked out right now. It really looks like Cathy may have found my family. I called her promptly at 8:30 this morning. About 90 minutes later I had 5 pages of names, marriages, grandparents, aunts, uncles and all kinds of information. Cathy is going to look into one more thing to be 100% sure. She feels 99% sure right now that this is my family. EVERYTHING on my non-id matches up with this information that she found. I keep telling myself, "Don't get too excited, this may not be them." But it isn't working very well. I'm sitting here at work typing this right now. I didn't want to wait until I get home tonight and some of the emotions have faded. I've been fighting back tears all morning and so far have not been able to do one bit of my work. I just can't concentrate. I'm feeling some pretty overwhelming emotions right now. I don't know if I really believed until now that we would actually ever find them. I'm excited, scared, happy, terrified, emotional, and the list goes on. I still can't believe this is happening. I was already planning a trip to Salt Lake in a couple of weeks. Wouldn't it be something if I have a new family to meet when I get there? Do I really dare to even hope for that? |
| January 27, 1999 I just tried to call the man who my birthmom married after she divorced my father. A woman answered the phone. I presume that she is his wife. I told her my name and said that I am doing some genealogical research. She said that he had already gone to bed. She said I could call back tomorrow. After I hung up the phone, I thought, "Oh my gosh, what if that was my MOM????" What if she is still married to him? I'm going to be a total basket case at this rate! I just have to remember to breathe! |
| January 29, 1999 I can't believe it was only two days ago that I last made an entry in here. I feel like I have lived a year in the last 3 days. Everything is great. It's just been rather exhausting the last 3 days. I get emotional at the drop of a hat. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything for very long. I'm scared to death, yet more excited than I have probably ever been. I'm feeling so many emotions all at the same time it gets a little overwhelming sometimes. I wouldn't trade all of this for anything though. We are "this close" to knowing whether the people we've found are my birthfamily. I just now went back and read what I entered in here last. I was going to call back the next night but we have learned of another marriage of my bmom since that one so I didn't call. We have located the man that we believe could be my birthfather. BUT, we've also found information that indicates that he may not know about me. We have located my birthmom's sister. As far as we can ascertain both of my birthparents are still alive. We have also learned of two younger half siblings of mine. We have also found an older half sister. This coincides with my non-id which stated that my birthmother had an older child when I was born. We have found so many things that match my non-id perfectly. We are fairly certain that this is my family. We are just trying to verify a few tidbits that would give us "proof" that we have found the right people. I keep saying "We". What I should be saying is "My Searchers." I keep hearing people talk about angels that have helped them find their families. I've never known if I really believed in 'angels' but I'm becoming a believer pretty quick! I am so fortunate to have two very wonderful, sweet women helping me to find my birthfamily. I could never possibly repay them (monetarily or otherwise) for all that they have done for me and are still doing. And to think that I have never met either one of them face to face! I have gained new faith in the human race. There are still a lot of genuinely good people on this planet. I am fortunate to have two of the FINEST women on this planet helping me. Together we are going to find my family. |
| January 30, 1999 Cathy found an obituary for Mary Vee Harvey (the woman we believe to be my birthmother). She died Oct 19, 1975 at her home of a heart condition. When I first received my non-id and learned how old she would be now, I tried to prepare myself for the possibility that she might not still be alive. However, when we finally started finding some information I guess I started to get my hopes up that she was alive. This comes as a shock to say the least. I was really starting to get excited about the possibility of actually getting to know my birthmother. I was really starting to wonder what it would be like to know the woman who gave birth to me. To ask her what it was like those 9 months that she carried me. To be able to look at her and see myself in her face. Now I will never have that opportunity. I am very angry right now. Angry at the closed adoption system. Angry at all the secrets surrounding adoption. Angry that I was deprived of knowing my mother. Just plain angry. I'm not angry at her. For reasons that I still don't know yet, she felt she could not keep me. I don't fault her for that. Things can happen in our lives that become bigger than we are and get beyond our control. I am angry at a system and a society that says that because my mother was unable to care for me at that time that I had to live my life not knowing her. Now I know I will never get to know her. Hopefully I will get to meet my half siblings and get to know her through them, but it's not the same. I'm angry and I'm very sad. I will never know the woman who gave me life. Something that most people take for granted. REUNITED!!! This is an email that I sent out to
friends. SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 1999 - One week ago today I received an email from a lady named Cathy in Salt Lake that saw my ad. She is a searcher and offered to try and help me find my family. I forwarded her email to Caroline. I had found Caroline soon after I started my search in August. She is a reunited birthmother herself. I wanted to get Caroline's opinion on Cathy's offer and see what she thought. She of course was very excited that we had found someone else to help us. She told me to GO FOR IT! I emailed Cathy my non-id. She went to work on it Monday morning and by Monday night she had found some people that she felt very strongly was my birthfamily. Tuesday morning I called her and spent two hours on the phone with her writing down information as fast as I could. Cathy felt that this was very likely my birthfamily. Every single piece of information I had matched perfectly. Wednesday Cathy had more information for me. Every single day Cathy dug up more and more information until she felt 99% sure that this was my family. I kept forwarding everything to Caroline and she went to work on addresses and phone numbers. She soon found a phone number and address for the man we believed to be my birthfather. We soon found the address and phone number for my older half sister and my birthmom's sister. Each day I was getting more and more excited about the possibility of actually having a family. I began to imagine what it would be like to meet them. I began to wonder what it would be like to look into my mother's face and see a glimpse of my own. To see her smile. To hear her voice. To have her hug me. On Saturday I received an email from Cathy saying that she had sadly found my birthmother's obituary. She had died in 1975 at the age of 41. At one time I thought I was prepared for this possibility, but that was when I didn't think we had any hope of finding my family. It was much easier to accept that she may not be alive when I didn't think we had a chance of finding them anyway. Once it looked like we just might find them I quit thinking that she may not be alive. This news came as a big shock. I was totally unprepared for it. With the news came the realization that I would never get to meet her or look into her face. It made me very, very sad. So much lost. So many memories. So many unanswered questions. Keep in mind, this all happened this last week. It feels like a lifetime has passed since last Sunday. A wonderful lady from the "Backyard" who is also a searcher said that she would call the lady we believed to be my Aunt. I was too scared to call. She called once and got an answering machine. She called a couple of hours later and spoke with my Aunt Dona. After she got through talking to Dona she paged me and told me that my Aunt Dona wanted to talk to me and that she was thrilled to hear from me. I was at the laundromat just finishing up my laundry when I got this information. The other customers at the laundromat probably wondered who the crazy person was throwing their laundry into bags and screaming, "Oh My God. Oh My God" I got all my stuff together and raced home to call Dona. We had a very nice conversation. She seems like a very nice lady. She gave me quite a bit of information about my birthmother. I don't need to go into all the details but I learned of a loving, caring woman that gave birth to me. I learned of a woman who did not have an easy life. I learned of a woman and a family that felt I had a chance for a better life by being placed for adoption. Dona told me where my mother is buried. When I visit Salt Lake in 2 weeks I want to visit my mother's grave. I want to be able to tell thank her for sacrificing the opportunity to see me grow up so that I could have a better life. I want to thank her for giving me life. I am physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted tonight. I had no idea it was possible for one person to experience so many different emotions all at once. As tired as I am, I feel a sense of peace. I feel a sense of finally feeling like a 'real' person. I actually had a birthmother and a birthfather. I have a family. Hopefully, in time I will be able to have a relationship with these people and get to know them and get to know my mother through them. |
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