II.i
"Hey, pretty Noin, where're you headed?"
The messenger fairy winked at the handsome sprite; this was a game they played often. "Why,
good sir, I'm out for a beer pickup for Zechs, as I'm sure you well know."
He grinned, toying with the end of his braid. "Moi? How should I know something like that?"
"Because," she said, leaning towards him with a look, "if I'm not mistaken, you're
Shinigami, also known as Duo Maxwell, second in these woods only to Kings Chang and Zechs, and master of pranks. Am I wrong?"
"Got it in one," Duo declared, delighted. "I see my reputation proceeds me. But, you gotta be careful, Noin," he said, sobering. "The king's coming through here tonight--and you know how he is right now. If he heard you were from--you know who--you'd hardly get off with only a six-hour justice lecture."
Noin shuddered; those lectures were notoriously frightening.
"If Zechs would just give back his sword, we could forget about this and go on with our lives."
"Won't happen," Noin said, shaking her head. "Not for another week or so. He's still pissed about the spaghetti."
Duo rolled his eyes. "It's not like the stains won't come out."
"I think it was his hair that he's the most pissed about," Noin started, but Duo suddenly
interrupted.
"He's coming! Get out of here, quickly!"
"No time!" she cried. "Oh, shit, I took too long... Zechs is coming looking for me! He'll kill us both... Hide!" They both ducked behind a bush to watch and wince at the fight that was about to occur as both Zechs and Wufei strode into the clearing from opposite sides.
"Well," Wufei drawled after recovering from his surprise, "fancy meeting you here."
Zechs glared back. "You may have noticed I moved all my stuff out of your palace. In case you don't get it, we've broken up. We're done."
"Oh, please, you know you want me." Wufei snorted.
"Like I want wrinkles," Zechs declared.
"I am not wrinkly," Wufei returned, eyes narrowing. "You're older than I am, anyway."
"I age better," Zechs retorted smoothly.
"Right," was Wufei's short reply. "Look, let's part amicably. You just give me back my sword, and we can call this whole feud off."
"Give you back your sword?" Zechs looked to be pondering this. "Only if you get rid of Maxwell."
"Me?" Duo asked in a harsh whisper. "What the hell's wrong with me?" He seemed about ready to get up and ask just that, but Noin held him down with a stern look and a hand on his shoulder.
"Duo?" Wufei asked, taken aback. "But--but I can't get rid of Maxwell! I--I need him to do my dirty work!"
"He's loud, obnoxious, and completely irreverent," Zechs said. "I won't start dealing until you ditch the bozo."
"Take your offer and stuff it," Wufei growled. "Maxwell may be a pain in the ass, but he's the brightest I've got. He's also," the King
leveled a vicious glare, "my best friend. Make a different offer."
"You tell him, Wu," Duo grumbled, feeling oddly vindicated by the half-compliment.
"No way! I'm keeping the sword," Zechs snapped. "That's the only thing I've gotten out of this crappy relationship!"
"Liar!" Wufei snapped back. "I let you be on top most of the time!"
Duo buried his face in his hands and Noin furiously plugged her ears. Their majesties would
kill them if they realized their servants were learning of their bedding history.
"You call that sex? I'd have better with my sister!"
"I am your king!" Wufei hissed coldly. "And I'll have you speak to me with respect!"
"You're the King?!" Zechs cried, indignant.
"Well, I'm hardly the Queen," Wufei told him. "I'm not the one who insisted on wearing a dress all the time, like a stupid woman."
"Screw that," Zechs muttered, looking down at his first pair of pants in a long, long time, and tromped back through the bushes the way he came. "And I'm keeping the damn sword."
Noin put a hand on Duo's arm. "I need to hurry for the beer. He's really going to need it after a confrontation like
that."
Duo nodded, and Noin was gone before he could wish her luck. "Great," he grumbled. "And Wufei doesn't even drink."
"Fine, leave then!" the king snarled at the already-gone Zechs. Turning, he sat down on a nearby rock and began to brood. His eyes darkened, and he opened his mouth. "Maxwell! Maxw--!"
"Here I am!" Duo cried cheerfully, and popped up right next to Wufei, pretending he hadn't heard any of the fight. "You called, Wu-chan?"
He jumped in surprise, blinking wildly. "Don't call me that!" he snapped after recovering his composure.
"Don't be such a grouch," Duo returned, and smiled brilliantly. Whenever Wufei got depressed, it was always Duo Maxwell who pulled him out of it before he got too deep. Duo privately termed it his sacred duty.
"I have a plan for revenge on that chit, Zechs," Wufei continued, studiously ignoring the baiting his best friend was doing. "Do you remember a blossom I pointed out to you on our last vacation?"
"Women are chits. Sexy Zechy is a chump." Duo squinted, trying to remember the flower. Vividly, he could recall Wufei with only a towel draped around his waist, but there had been a hell of a lot of flowers on that trip. They hadn't really captured his interest. "Uh..."
Wufei sighed. "It was orange... had large, heart-shaped petals..."
"Red flecks?" Duo hazarded.
"No," Wufei said with another sigh, reminding himself to be patient with the other fairy. Detail retention was something Duo always had trouble with; he wasn't just trying to be difficult. Well, he better not be, anyway. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a
field guide and thumbed to page 73, pointing to the sketch there. "You see now?"
Duo shrugged. "What about it?"
"I want you to get me one."
"You want me to give you flowers?" Duo frowned, and finally shrugged. "Well, okay, but I thought you preferred roses."
"Maxwell, stop fooling around and just pay attention! This flower has magical properties, and has influence over the power of love. Do you understand now? It has to be this flower. Got it?"
"Yeah, yeah," Duo said with a shrug. "What are you going to do with it, anyway? Trying to win Zechs back?"
Wufei spit on the ground.
"That's nasty, Wu-chan."
"Why would I want that--that--that woman back in my life?!" His face began to turn red. "All I want is to make him fall for a small woodland creature... like a skunk."
"I've always been partial to the porcupine," Duo said. "And then, there's always the classic goat or sheep."
"Look at the picture again," Wufei commanded.
"Why don't you just tell me where it is?" Duo asked, hands on his hips. "Or go get it yourself."
"Maxwell," Wufei growled.
"Yeah, yeah," Duo said, waving it off. "Don't worry, Wu-chan. I'll have it before you can say 'antidisestablishmentarianism'."
"Don't call me that," Wufei said, but Duo was already gone.
Shit, but it'd been a bad day.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOO!!" A particularly annoying screech interrupted his thoughts.
"Exactly what part of 'Go away' do you not understand, the nouns or the verbs?" a boy's voice responded, and the pair came into sight. The boy was dressed in--of all things--tight spandex and a tank top, totally unsuited for the climate. His hair was in
disarray, bangs spiking over his eyes. The girl following him was dressed in an ugly pink dress, her hair loose behind her except for two small braids pinned to the back of her head.
"Oh, Heero," the girl gushed, "I know you don't mean it. You can stop playing hard to get."
"I'm impossible to get, Relena. I'm gay, now leave me alone." Heero paused and looked around the woods. "Where the hell is Quatre? You said he and Trowa were out here."
"They're around," the girl replied vaguely. "But, forget them! We were meant to be together! Our children will be perfect..."
"I was meant to be with Quatre." His tongue caressed the other's name, and Wufei rolled his eyes. "And if you don't tell me where he went and go away, I'm going to kill you."
She put her hands on her hips. "I wish you'd stop lying to yourself, Heero."
He finally whirled around, gun suddenly in hand. "This gun carries multiple bullets, you know, and I have more than one clip. I can kill you and still have plenty left for Trowa."
"I want doves at our wedding," she said thoughtfully.
"I think I'm going to be sick." He turned back to the fork in the path.
"I think I may join you," Wufei told him, but remained hidden in the trees; mortals rarely sensed him, anyway.
"Lots of doves," she continued. "And butterflies. Do you think they can train doves to fly behind me and carry my veil?"
Heero growled and stalked off, Relena following close behind and still planning their wedding.
"What a strange couple," Wufei muttered to himself. "And, don't worry, you stupid woman, by the time you leave the woods, he'll be chasing you and you'll be running away." He smiled. "Justice!"
"Hey, Wu," a voice said in his ear.
The king of fairies jumped before wheeling angrily on his best servant. "Maxwell, I--how many times have I told you not to do that, you
baka?!"
"You weren't paying attention, either?" the sprite asked innocently.
Wufei struggled to control his temper. For all that Duo had the ability to annoy him over any other, his cheer could be frighteningly comforting when he needed it to be. "Did you find it?" he finally asked, more calmly than he actually felt.
"Piece of cake, man," Duo chirped, and pulled a flower from behind his ear and tossed it to his king.
Wufei raised an eyebrow.
"Well, actually, it would have been if it hadn't been growing on an active volcano guarded by a seriously PMS-ing dragon. You could have
told me there was a dragon, Wu. With fire!" He glared at his king and best friend.
"I knew you could handle it," Wu said, conveniently forgetting he had known no such thing.
"There was poison ivy, too."
"You did good," Wufei comforted, and was slightly discomfited by the glow on Duo's face at the praise. "Now, while I fix the blond, you take this petal--" he plucked one from the orange blossom, "--and streak it across the eyes of a boy in these woods."
"Like this?" he fairy asked, reaching up to brush the petal against his own eyes.
"NO!" Wufei yelled, and yanked the hand down. "Not like that! Never, ever, ever do that again. Are you listening?"
The boy nodded, looking chastened.
Wufei sighed and counted to ten, trying to remind himself that this joking around was one of Duo's more attractive traits. That sentiment offered, for the moment, surprisingly little comfort. "Duo, make sure the next thing he sees is the young annoying lady following him."
"What's he look like?"
"Dark hair. Strange, pointy bangs. Tight clothing. Meet me back here in a bit. Don't mess up." With that, he disappeared through the trees.
Duo's eyes followed his form, and the boy tried not to sigh. "Wu, why do you always play these games with Zechs? I..." He shrugged and forced cheer. It was pointless to argue with Wufei when he got into these power struggles with Zechs. Duo didn't even think he
liked Zechs. "Your wish is my command."
II.ii
"I can't believe the--hic!--nerve of that bastard," Zechs raged again, popping the tab on another can of beer. With a nasty glare, he chilled it; after all, what's the good of being a fairy if you can't drink cold beer, and besides, he wasn't quite so drunk that he couldn't manage to zap his own beer.
"Zechs," Noin warned, "I'm cutting you off. That's your last."
"You can't cut me off! I'm King! King! Look at me! I'm gorgeous, and I have a stupid sword. I don't have to deal with Mr. I'm-Too-Perfect Chang anymore, or his stupid little I'm-so-cute-look-at-me servant anymore! And, I have a sword."
"You mean Duo?" Noin asked, trying to pick his ramblings apart. When Zechs had been--er--Queen Zechs, she had been his head lady in waiting. The complaint was hardly new, but she hoped to finally understand what it meant.
"Duo Maxwell," Zechs hissed. "The infamous Shinigami. He's unshapely!"
"He's actually quite shapely--"
"No. He's disproportioned!"
"I'm sure his proportions are all intact--"
Zechs frowned with a concentration born only of those who have drunk much, much too much. "That's not what I mean at all." He took another drought of beer, letting the fine, cold liquid surge down his throat and ease into this stomach. "I mean, he's hot." Zechs frowned. That wasn't what he'd meant to say at all, but, now that he thought about it... that boy
was pretty fine.
Noin smiled at him, giving up for the moment. "Yes, he is." Eyeing the mass of beer cans rolling around the ground, not all of them empty, she discretely scraped them under Zechs' bed with her foot. It was quite possible that, while trying to buy enough to pacify the raging monster Zechs had been, twenty cases may have been too much. "Bedtime, Zechs."
"Not tired," the petulant king slurred as his servant pulled him up from the ground and laid him on the bed. It squeaked under his weight and an empty rolled out from underneath. She calmly kicked it back out of sight.
"Sure you aren't," she replied, and pulled his boots off, wrinkling her nose at the funny corn chip odor
emanating from his feet.
"Noin..." Zechs called as she shoved his shoes under the bed with the beer cans.
"Yeah?"
"I love you," he said drunkenly. "You're my best friend. Let's have kittens together."
She gave him a strange look, but he was already asleep. She sighed. Looking after drunken kings was
so not her thing.
Oh, well. At least there were four more unopened cases left--probably closer to seven, actually, if someone wanted to pick all the unopened bottles from the ground. "Hey, guys," she called to the rest of Zechs' ladies in waiting. "Guess what I've got?"
Wufei, looking in from the shadows, smirked as Zechs' servants all continued to get rip-roaring drunk. A waste of some damn fine Miller, true, but then again, Zechs considered anything other than wine a waste of good alcohol, so he probably didn't care.
Sneaking serpentine over to his ex-lover's bedside to avoid the strewn cans, he carefully brushed some of the flower's pollen onto the man's eyelids. "Here goes true love."
The fairy snored.
Wufei smirked. How weak, to be caught slobbering drunkenly in his sleep--by his enemy, of all people! Carefully, he started the incantation:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
The first thing you see
You'll be smitten to."
Cackling to himself, he left to find a skunk... or perhaps a nice porcupine.
Nearby, two weary lovers stumbled out of the bushes and looked around.
"We're lost, Trowa," the blond said hopelessly. "I knew we should have stopped for directions at that last Information Desk."
Trowa nodded and patted him on the back. "Don't worry, Quatre."
Quatre smiled back. "How big can this forest be, anyway? As long as I'm with you, nothing else matters!"
Trowa gulped a little, nervous about the "I'm lost in the dark in the woods without a flashlight or a cell phone and don't know I'm about to become an X-File" faux pas Quatre had just made, but tactfully changed the subject. He really didn't need to rile up his husband-to-be some more. "I think we're walking in circles."
"We'll just go to sleep here," Quatre said. "It's a rather nice part of the forest--well, except for those beer cans over there--and we can just sleep here until the sun comes up. Everything will look better in the morning, and Trowa, what in the name of Allah are you doing?"
"Want one?" Trowa asked, holding out a can.
"Put that back! That could be anyone's! You don't even know what that is!"
"Miller Light," the boy read off the label by moonlight. "With a red maple leaf in the corner. It's supposed to be good."
"Well, we have been traveling all night," Quatre said. "And I am rather thirsty..." Taking the proffered can, he chugged it. "Not bad," he commented, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "I have to admit, though, I prefer Corona."
Trowa allowed himself an incredulous blink at this completely new side of his lover.
"What?" Quatre responded. "You think I never drink, just because Dr. Overprotective J thinks he's my father? Actually, he's what drove me to drink in the first place. But, that's all in the past now."
"But... Corona?" Trowa asked.
"There is nothing," Quatre said testily, "wrong with Corona."
Trowa decided to drop the subject, yawned, popped open another beer, and took a drink. It was warm... he hated his beer warm. With a sigh, he set it aside. "Let's go to bed."
"Okay," Quatre said, picking up the can Trowa left behind and finishing it off easily. He set it down with a flourish, and then dropped the final bomb on Trowa's little carefully-constructed image of his boyfriend. "I have condoms and lube."
Trowa blinked a few more times. "I would rather," he said awkwardly, trying not to hurt his feelings, "we waited until we were married."
"Oh," was Quatre's reply. "Are you saying you don't find me attractive?"
"No-o..." Trowa stalled, trying to find away to say he was too tired without it sounding like something Quatre would misinterpret. "We've just been walking all night, and--and I want our first time to be special," he finished, hoping he found a good answer.
"Oh," Quatre said again. "Well, fine."
"We can still sleep next to each other," Trowa compromised, hating the look on Quatre's face, and gently kissed the boy. "I do love you, after all."
Quatre melted under that, but pulled away. "No, it's better not to tempt me. I'll sleep over here, by the beer. You can go over by that tree, okay?" He sent Trowa a sunny smile.
Trowa, despite his misgivings, went to sleep under the large oak, wincing as the roots dug into his spine.
Duo rubbed his eyes. He was getting nowhere. "The things I do for you, Wu..." he mumbled, and wandered closer towards Zechs' side of the forest. It was dangerous; Zechs had an unabashed dislike for Wufei's right-hand man, and had made that painfully clear to the ever-oblivious Wufei with that scene just this afternoon in the clearing. If Zechs or any of his followers spotted him, he'd be in for a world of trouble.
His foot met a large lump over by the oak tree, and he cursed as he stumbled. Looking the body up and down, he ran over his mental checklist. "Okay, dark hair... check. Tight clothes... check. Strange, pointy bangs... the granddaddy of all giant checkmarks." He looked down at Trowa. "So, you're the skank who's been cheatin' on his girl, huh?" He glanced over a few yards to see a young, short-haired blonde lying on the ground next to a few empties, fast asleep. "That must be the chick. Damn, man, you were running from that?" He shook his head. "You left her to sleep alone on a cold, dank night where
mischievous fairies such as myself might just happen to wander by and whisk her away? Man, you really are dirt, aren't you? Well, letsee, how does this work again?" He took out his flower petal from where he kept it in his braid and gently brushed it against the young man's eyelids. "Okay, Scumbang, um..." he waved his hand. "You're all magicked up. I guess. I'm not quite sure how this works; Wu didn't really explain it to me, you know. So, I guess you just have to wake up now--"
The boy with the one long bang shifted in his sleep, opened his eyes, and yawned.
"Wait until I'm gone, you idiot!" Duo said, pushing the boy back down and covering his eyes quickly. "Geez, some people just start jumpin' the gun,
never mind that if you mess this up, you answer to the Shinigami... and the
Shinigami is much more fond of blowing your head up than just making you love that cute chick over there." He crossed his arms and waited for the boy to drift back into sleep. "Much better--oh, shit, I'm late!" Wheeling on his foot, he fled back towards the palace. "Wu's gonna kill me!"
Almost the moment he was gone, two people came crashing through the underbrush. "Wait!" the one behind called. "Heero, you're losing me again! I can't keep up! WAIT!"
"Hn. Ninmu Kanyrou," Heero muttered to himself, and continued to dash, barely paying attention to the scenery.
Relena sighed; she was the star of the cross-country track team, and this was child's play--
Until she tripped. "Damn it!" she swore, and turned back to see what she'd fallen over. "Oh, no, Trowa!" she gasped, and crawled back to him, checking for a wound. "Please, tell me Heero didn't kill you! Wake up! Wake up! Trowa, tell me you're not dead!"
The boy blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes and looked up at Relena. "I'm not..." he seemed to pause for a moment, and then stared, transfixed. "By God, you're beautiful."
"Oh, Trowa!" she cried, grabbing onto him and holding him tightly. "I was so afraid Heero had killed you, and then Quatre would go all scary again like that time on the chicken farm and then he'd kill Heero and I'd be all alone, with only a gay guy to procreate with!"
"I'll procreate with you," Trowa said.
"Huh?"
"Relena," Trowa whispered, pulling her closer, "forget about Heero. He'll never like you, never understand you... he's not like you and me, Relena."
"You and me?" she repeated, confused.
"We understand each other... And, Relena, I've realized... I love you."
"I love you too, Trowa," Relena said awkwardly, remembering a comment Quatre had made once about Trowa's odd mood swings. "Trowa, where's Quatre?"
"Forget about Quatre," Trowa whispered. "Forget about Heero... It's just you and me..." Leaning close, he covered her lips with his own.
"Mm!" Relena cried in surprise, and her first reaction was to pull away. Suddenly, though, she realized: Trowa was an amazing kisser! She leaned into it, allowing Trowa to soothe the ache Heero left with his coldness... everything faded into a hazy zone of pleasure, and she found her arms creeping around his shoulders, running up his back and the sides of his chest, all over his arms. "Mm..." Her left hand rose to cup his neck, and she noticed vaguely that one of his hands was inching up her skirt, the other one having found its way up the front of her shirt a bit ago. "Oh..." she moaned as his hand reached inside her underwear and stroked her butt. "Oh, Trowa..." His hardness was pressing her, she realized giddily, and she was almost in his lap, almost straddling him; her shirt might as well have been unbuttoned, for all he was doing, and she arched her back towards him as his fingers brushed across one of her nipples. "Trowa!" she gasped, and then she froze. Her eyes flew open and she yanked herself away. "Trowa!" she gasped again, in a slightly different tone.
"Is something wrong, Relena?" he asked her, confused.
"You--I--you're gay!" she cried, clothes still half-on, half-off.
"Not anymore."
"You're in love with Quatre," she whispered.
"No, I'm in love with you," he whispered back, a pleading look in his eyes. ...well, in the one visible eye, anyway.
"But--but that's preposterous!" she said.
"I love you Relena," he said, reaching for her again.
"It's impossible," she replied, recoiling. Standing, she hurridly pulled her panties back on straight and smoothed down her skirt with one hand, the other self-consciously moving to her blouse.
"No," he said, standing also.
"You're--you're nothing but a fink!" she cried, taking a few steps away. "What will Quatre say? He's in love with you, you asshole!"
Trowa shrugged. "Not my problem. He can have Heero. We're virtually the same."
She slapped him across the face, hard, and turned to run away.
"Relena, wait! Just give me a chance," he called, running after her.
"You think that's funny, do you?" Quatre muttered in his sleep. "I'll show you funny, you ugly old bastard.
"No!" he gasped. "No, no..." With a start, he awoke. "Trowa!" cried, panting and clutching at his heart. "Oh, Trowa, I had this horrible dream where J showed me these medical reports and I actually
was his son, and then G and him started taking off their clothes and making out, and..." he broke off with a frown. "Trowa? ...Trowa?"
The spot where Trowa had lain, next to the tree, was empty.
"Trowa? Where'd you go?" Quatre asked the night air, perplexed. "Did you have to go to the bathroom?"
He waited a few moments. "You've been gone an awfully long time," he said to the forest. Alone at night, the woods suddenly felt much, much darker than before. "You know what?" he asked the empty air. "I think I'll go find Trowa."