III.i
"So, we all here?" Sally asked the group.
There was a pause for a moment. "Who exactly is supposed to be here, anyway?" Hilde asked. "You never
did give us a list."
"Hilde, Meiran, Dorothy, Catherine, G, and me," Sally rattled off impatiently. "The answer is yes, so we'll move on. Do we have a script?"
"Yes," the group chorused.
"Lines memorized?" Sally asked.
"Yes," everyone said again.
"Okay, let me see it." Walking over to a nearby rock, she sat down. The rest of the group nodded to each other and moved to the edges of the clearing.
Clearing her throat, Dorothy stood in the middle of the clearing, hair wrapped up in a bandana. She gave Sally a pointed look. "You're supposed to make ringing noises," she finally said. At Sally's blank look, she continued, "Like a telephone?"
Feeling ridiculous and a bit annoyed that she hadn't received a script ahead of time, the doctor looked to the sky and said, "Ring, ring."
Using her hand to simulate talking on the phone, Dorothy fell back into character. "Hi, Ricky... Whaddya mean, you have to work late at the Copacobana? Oh, Ricky, can I sing there? ...Why not? Waaaaaaaaaaaa! You don't love me anymore!!" Dorothy paused, frowning. "Okay, fine, be that way! ...love you, too. Bye." She took her hand away from her ear ...and proceeded to wait.
"Ring, ring," Sally said again, rolling her eyes, after another pointed look from Dorothy.
"Hello?" Dorothy asked into the "phone".
"Whaaaaa's uuuuuuuup?" a voice crowed.
"Who is this?" Dorothy asked.
"Do you like scary movies?"
"I don't know." Dorothy pondered, looking confused. "Which ones in particular?"
"The Little Mermaid?"
"Heavens, no! Not Disney! Who is this?"
Wearing a mask, Catherine tiptoed dramatically across the clearing, holding a knife.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Dorothy screeched.
"Freeze! FBI!" Hilde yelled, rolling in from the back of the clearing and ending in a kneeling position, fingers pointed like a gun at Catherine. "Mulder, there has to be a scientific explanation for this."
"Who needs science," Meiran said, somersaulting out of the trees, wearing a black mask, "when you have kung fu and Green Destiny? Science is for weaklings!"
"From the depths of the night, Batman will save you!" Professor G growled, bouncing over, wearing nothing but a skintight leotard and a cape. "Don't worry, citizen! Quick, to the Batmobile!"
"What?!" the rest of the actors cried, practically in unison.
"Who the hell are you supposed to be?" Catherine finally asked Dorothy, pulling off her mask.
"I Love Lucy! Duh!" Dorothy returned. "What about you?"
"Hello? Haven't you ever seen Scream?"
"Oh, that's so stupid," Hilde said, rolling her eyes and standing.
"Look who's talking," Meiran replied. "Why do you want to be Scully? Scully is weak!"
"Scully is weak?!" Hilde shouted. "Scully kicks so much ass she doesn't even need fake Kung fu!"
"Fake?! Don't make me Kung-fu your ass!" Meiran yelled.
"You all are idiots!" Dorothy screamed. "I gave you the script you were supposed to use!"
"It was stupid, so I used my own!" Hilde yelled.
"Yeah, Dorothy, your writing sucks!" Catherine said. "You're almost as bad as Sally!"
"Hey!" Sally bristled, "you guys didn't even read my script!"
"We didn't need to read it! It was weak!" Meiran told her coldly.
Practically in unison, all the girls turned to G. "And what the hell was that?"
"Batman!" he said, flourishing his cape.
They all stared at him.
"J thinks Batman is sexy," he explained.
"No! No Batman, no Lucy, no Scully, and no stupid ninjas!" Catherine declared.
"Ninjas aren't stupid!"
"Mulder would be alone in a desert without his cell phone and without a gun with Scully!"
"Batman!"
"Lucy is classic!"
"This is supposed to be a wedding present for Treize! Scary Movie is hardly romantic!"
"Are you saying my choices are stupid?"
"I'm saying you're stupid!"
"I will deliver justice to your face!"
"Oh, get off your stupid justice kick!"
"Batman!"
Duo scampered quickly through the woods. He wouldn't be late this time; he couldn't be. He knew exactly how to cheer Wufei up; it would be brilliant.
While passing through a part of the woods where the moon almost broke through the top cover of the trees, Duo paused at the sound of a
hell of a lot of yelling. Natural curiosity taking the best of him, he found himself at the edge of the clearing, staring in at a group of young women in the middle of a quickly-turning-violent catfight.
And then, the woman with the long blond Zechs-like hair and the exaggerated General Treize-like eyebrows moved to hit the girl that sort of looked like Wufei--though Duo was sure the king would deny it if asked--and he saw the old man standing there in the group. His heart quickly grew cold, and he clenched the tree he was leaning against, breaking the bark slightly with his fingers.
It was Him. With that long, pointed nose and that nasty mushroom cut, he was unmistakable; Duo smothered the shiver that threatened, mentally berating himself for being so weak. It was a lifetime ago that it happened, but it still haunted his dreams sometimes; those dreams were the worst, because they made him remember that he was different from the other fairies, that he was only part of their
hierarchy because a dying spirit had taken pity on a poor young mortal boy trapped in a hellish life by an uncle who never wanted him.
He stared at G. He couldn't believe the old geezer hadn't kicked it yet.
"Well," he said to himself, "you're not just a little child anymore. Shinigami chose you, guarded you, unlocked your power. You're Duo Maxwell, most prominent trickster in the forest, and a clever, manipulative bastard. It's payback time."
Summoning a wisp of magic, he pulled the old man out of the group and over to him. "Oo, I smell the Batsignal," G mumbled, staring at the sky and walking over to Duo.
"I bet you do," Duo snickered, falling into his comfortable lighthearted joker role. "And I have just the place for you." With the help of a little more magic, he very carefully worked a small
metamorphosis spell. "Wow, showing your true colors already, G?" he asked cheerfully.
"Hee-HAW!" G barked, and stumbled back over to the women.
"You're going the wrong way," Duo called to him impatiently.
The women's argument suddenly ceased. Then, there was a scream. "IT'S A DEMON!" And they scattered.
"No," Duo said crossly to the fleeing actors, "the Shinigami is a demon. This guy's just a moron with the head of an ass--though it was supposed to be an ass like 'butt ass', stupid spell--who's goin' the wrong way!" Walking over through the suddenly vacated clearing to the confused-looking transformed G, he grabbed one of the creature's large ears and began to walk. "This way! Trust me, good times for all!"
They quickly arrived in Zechs' bower, and Duo took his foot and shoved the scientist over towards the Ex-Queen of Fairies. "Go on, time to wake up Sleeping Zechsy."
With a loud bray of surprise, G landed on top of the blond.
"Wha--?" Zechs yelped, waking up with a start. Finding an old man with a donkey's head lying on top of him, he blinked. "...You're gorgeous!"
"Me-haw?" G asked, and took a good look at the young man he was lying on.
"Oh, you sexy mortal..." Zechs moaned, and dragged his hands up over G's old, wrinkly body. "I want you!"
"Can I be Batman?" G asked through his strange new mouth.
"I'll be Robin to your Batman any day!" Zechs said, and kissed his donkey lips. "This means, of course, that you get to drive the Batmobile... just climb in and fiddle with the
gear stick for a while. You'll get a feel for it."
Duo's eyes bugged a little. "Zechs uses cheesy car metaphors in bed? Oh, Wu... no wonder you guys broke up."
"Oh, put your key in the ignition and start me up!" Zechs grunted.
"This is classic!" Duo cackled evilly from his hiding spot. "What would Wu-chan say? 'Justice!'"
"Duo, you're late."
Duo shrugged and grinned; Wufei actually used his first name! He must be having a good day. "Aw, Wu-chan, you love me anyway."
"Hn," Wufei grumbled at the nickname, but chose to ignore it for the moment. "So, I found both a porcupine and a skunk for Zechs, but I was wondering if there was a way to perhaps make them into one animal for a while."
Duo grinned evilly. "Don't worry about that, Wu! I got something really good--" He broke off suddenly as two people
noisily made their way into the clearing, mid-argument.
"This is the mortal I told you about," Wufei told Duo. "Did you cast the spell?"
"This is the woman, but not the guy," Duo said back, and squinted at the blond. "Actually, I'm not sure that's a chick, either..."
"Look, Quatre, all I'm trying to say is that Trowa's no good for you. I love you, Quatre. I need you."
"Try saying that again with some emotion," Quatre said. "But this isn't the point, remember?"
"Quatre, I'll die without you."
"Don't you dare threaten me, Heero Yuy! Now I want some answers! We've been wandering around this forest, and you keep telling me that you saw Trowa 'over that way', and I keep going 'over that way', and I'm about ready to kill you myself. What did you do with Trowa?"
"I want doves at our wedding," Heero said dreamily.
"You've killed him, haven't you?" Quatre yelled. "You murderer! You--you're nothing like Trowa!"
"What are you talking about? We're exactly the same!" Heero stepped closer to the blond boy. "Quatre, I'm gay and I love you."
Quatre buried his face in his hands. "Please, Allah, tell me this isn't happening to me. Tell me this is just a bad dream."
"But, back to the doves--"
"No!" the blond snapped. "No doves, no wedding, no sex, Heero! I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't love you. I never have, I never will. Just go back home and forget me--screw Relena or something, I don't care."
"Stop denying your feelings, Quatre, and just let me love you!"
Quatre's eyes suddenly changed, and the boy looked a lot colder, and awfully dangerous. Heero picked up on the wild look in his eye, and wisely stepped back.
"I am leaving," Quatre said. "You will not follow, or I will pluck out your eyes and replace them with your balls." And then, he smiled sweetly and began to pick his way through the forest again, calling, "TROWA! TRO-WA!"
Heero gulped visibly and inconspicuously adjusted his spandex. "I'll just wait here, then... maybe take a quick nap." Laying down on the ground, he closed his eyes.
"Maxwell! What have you done now!?"
Duo rolled his eyes. "First 'Duo', now 'Maxwell'? There really is no justice..."
"Quit fooling around, Maxwell!" the King snapped, and smacked him over the head, and Duo realized quite immediately that Wufei was really quite angry. "I gave you a very simple instruction, and did you follow it?"
"I already ironed your pants!" Duo cried, indignant. "Even though it's so not my job. Also, that burn was there before I started!"
Wufei rolled his eyes. "This clowning around will only annoy me more. I told you to put the pollen of that flower onto the eyes of the guy wearing tight clothes with pointy bangs."
"Everything's so dark!" a woman's voice called out quietly. "I can barely see my hand in front of my face."
"Relena, just let me love you! Please!"
"Trowa, go away," the woman told him. "I've got to find Heero!"
Duo gave him an incredulous look, and gestured to the pair of mortals wandering off. "Tight clothes!" he cried, indicating to the turtleneck on the retreating back of the boy. "Pointy bangs!"
"That," Wufei sputtered, "Is a pointy bang. He," he pointed to the boy sleeping on the ground, "has pointy
bangs."
"Oh, for the love of--"
"Fix it, Maxwell," Wufei said sternly. "I have a sword to retrieve!" With that, he stalked off, leaving Duo alone with the sleeping mortals, fuming. Or, at least, started to.
"Fuck you, Chang," Duo yelled, good nature finally sapped dry. "I did what you asked me to, alright? You can't just blame this on me. It's not like I didn't try--I always try, okay? Do I ever hear a 'Thank you, Duo', or a 'Nice to have you here, Duo,' or even the use of my fucking name every once in a while? You're my friend, Chang, that's why I do this for you."
"I'm your king," Wufei reminded him, though taken aback.
Duo began to answer, and finally just shut his eyes, running a hand over his bangs. "I guess you are," he muttered. "I don't know why I expected anything different." He turned away and toyed with the tail of his braid. "Look, I'll fix my little mess here and meet you later."
"Duo, what's wrong?" Wufei asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Nothing."
"Something happened." Carefully, Wufei turned his friend around. "Duo, you know I'm here for you. If you need me."
"I saw G." The words came out in a rushed whisper, and Duo hugged himself, staring at the ground.
"What?" Wufei reached out to Duo and pulled him close. "Oh, Duo, I'm sorry. I didn't realize..." Wufei was the only one who knew the truth of Duo's origins: mortality. Normal fairies sprung from the elements and lived to guard the spirits: the trees, rocks, and other wildlife. Every once in a while though, a dying spirit would give its life to a mortal, and unleash the potential in the creature of the magical, otherworldly abilities.
Shinigami, the oldest and most reclusive spirit in the forest, had, for the first time in centuries, taken pity on a traumatized mortal: one orphan Duo Maxwell.
Duo didn't want to accept Wufei's comfort anymore; it was hard enough to have roots in mortality, but that
Wufei--Wufei, of all people!--pitied him... it made him so very frustrated. "I'm not weak," he said, shrugging off the offered comfort.
"I know," Wufei responded. "I never said you were."
"You say I'm stupid. It's the same thing."
He winced. "I don't mean it. I call everyone stupid."
"I try my best," Duo said, and his voice caught. "I try my best, and it's never enough!" His arms were wrapped around himself tightly, as if he thought the pain could be contained; Wufei could see his fists clench the material of his shirt.
"Duo--" Wufei looked at his friend and felt his heart twist. "I-I'm sorry."
With a choked noise, Duo twisted and threw himself at Wufei. At first, the fairy king thought Duo was going to hit him, but as Duo's fingers wound themselves into his shirt, he discovered that Duo was just--just holding him tightly.
"I'm sorry," Wufei repeated helplessly. "I forget sometimes that you weren't always a fairy, and that you're still adjusting and figuring things out. You're so powerful, I forget sometimes... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
Duo hiccoughed finally and laid his head down on Wufei's shoulder. "It's okay, Wu. I know you've been having a rough time w-with Zechs lately; it's not your fault."
Wufei shivered a little at the feeling of Duo's warm breath against his throat, and tried to focus on something else. "I don't want to forget you."
"You won't." They stood there like that for another moment before Duo finally pulled away a little. "Thanks. I needed that."
"So did I." Wufei was a little surprised to find that it was the truth. He felt his face light up in an answering smile to Duo's before he consciously decided to it. "We need to fix these. I'll put the spell on this one if you go and fetch the woman." When Duo finally broke their embrace, Wufei felt the coolness of the night even more strongly where Duo's arms once were.
"I'll be back shortly." With a quiet wink, uncharacteristic for Duo only in its gentle, subdued feel, the fairy slipped away into the night, following the path Relena and Trowa had followed.
Wufei felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment; he wondered, briefly, if there might have been a spell on him. It would explain the strange way his throat had seized up, and how he suddenly felt the urge to kick himself.
He turned his attention to the mortal before him. The young man on the ground was actually slightly attractive, if one squinted their eyes and ignored the coldness that hung about his face, even in sleep. Wufei shrugged, and stooped down to brush the pollen of the flower over the boy's eyes. Who knew what these mortals found attractive?
Wufei wondered if Duo found the boy attractive. Duo had been mortal once; maybe he could explain the power behind this mortal.
Wufei wondered if Duo found him attractive.
He cleared his throat to rid himself of the sudden tension in his vocal cords.
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
The first thing you see
You'll be smitten to."
As he tucked the flower back in the safety of the bag he'd been keeping it in, he wondered who had written that awful verse.
"Well, I've got 'em," Duo said unnecessarily as he entered the clearing, tailed by the two oblivious mortals from earlier. He looked better, Wufei noted, now that he'd had some time to pull himself back together. "She's starting to bug the crap out of me, actually."
"And, furthermore, Trowa," the girl's shrill voice said firmly, "I don't appreciate you taking advantage of me in my time of distress. Heero dumps me, and all you can think of is that--that thing inside your pants!"
"You didn't seem to mind it so much earlier, Relena." Trowa sent her a suggestive glance that raked over her body and grabbed her arm to halt her furious pacing.
Relena put a hand on her hips in frustration. "You're missing the point!"
"I want lions at our wedding," Trowa said blissfully.
"No!" Relena stamped her foot. "Are you even listening to anything I say?"
"It'll be doves," Heero said blissfully as he woke. "Doves for me and--Relena?"
"Heero!" Relena cried, and pulled out of Trowa's grasp. Falling to her knees by his side, she put a hand to his face. "Are you alright? What are you doing on the ground? Are you hurt? Did you eat some of those red berries? Were you mauled by a wild animal?"
"My god, you're beautiful," Heero murmured.
"Yuy!" Trowa called, noticing him only as Relena did. "Good news. You can have Quatre. I don't want him anymore."
"Quatre?" Heero blinked and sat up, tearing his eyes away from Relena and her cleavage to send a bewildered look at Trowa. "Why would I want Quatre?"
"Don't worry about Relena," Trowa said, and put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll take care of her. I'll make sure she's safe, and fed, and happy."
"You know, you've been talking a lot tonight," Relena said, turning to Trowa. "Are you drunk?"
"I don't drink Corona," Trowa told them. "It's vile."
Relena and Heero exchanged a confused glance.
"But, Heero, I just want you to know that Relena and I will stay out of your hair." Trowa massaged Relena's shoulder, his thumb brushing the nape of her neck. "I'll make her happy."
"No, I'll make her happy," Heero said, standing and glaring.
Duo shivered and turned to Wufei. "Wu, he's scary."
Wufei had to agree.
"No, I'll make her happy." Trowa stared back impassively.
The two boys stared at each other.
"Um, boys?" Relena asked, looking back and forth between them. "What's going on?"
Neither answered.
"I think they're having a chi fight," Wufei told Duo in an undertone, moving closer to his friend.
"I think they're gonna kiss," Duo returned.
Wufei started to disagree, but paused. The two were standing rather close, and there was a definite sexual overtone to the
chi fight. "Maybe Heero saw both of them at the same time."
Duo grinned. "Can we play with this flower crap tomorrow night, too? This is fun!"
Wufei felt no remorse about the glare he sent Duo.
Duo winked and opened his mouth to say something, but a noise from Relena pulled their attention back to the scene unfolding before them.
"Stop it!" She was pulling unsuccessfully at Trowa's shoulders, trying to keep the two warring men apart.
"What if we share?" Heero suggested finally, breaking their silence.
"I think that may work," Trowa responded, reaching out a hand.
Heero clasped it firmly, and they both turned to Relena.
"Please stop fighting," she told them. "Don't fight on my behalf!"
"We aren't going to fight anymore," Heero told her, letting go of Trowa's hand and capturing hers. He stood before her, eyes practically glowing.
"Thank goodne--" She was cut off by her own gasp as she felt a warm pair of lips nuzzle the back of her neck. "Trowa?" Her voice was a whimper.
"Sh," Heero said, a strange smile on his face. "Don't think."
He looked kind of sinister, smiling like that, Wufei reflected. Heero leaned forward and captured her mouth before she could ask the question that was obviously on the tip of her tongue, and Wufei self consciously toyed with his shirt sleeve, feeling a little self-conscious.
Duo next to him squirmed a bit. "This is odd."
"Oh, my--" Relena moaned as Trowa moved her hair in order to nibble at her ear. Wufei felt himself turning a little red as Trowa's hands moved into her shirt while Heero slipped his hands into her skirt. He could see the outline of Trowa's hands cupping her breasts through her shirt, and hastily averted his eyes as Heero did something under her skirt and she moaned loudly, rocking between them. "Heero," she gasped, and undulated again between the two obviously aroused men. "Oh, Trowa..."
"Shouldn't--" Wufei cleared his throat, trying to bring the pitch of his voice back town to its normal level. "Shouldn't you be fetching that other boy?" he asked Duo, silently cursing the hoarseness of his voice.
"Why, Wufei, I never would've pegged you for a voyeur," Duo responded, his voice similarly hoarse
despite the light words.
Wufei found his eyes being drawn back to the trio of mortals. Trowa was in the process of skillfully peeling back the blouse his hands had already memorized the skin under, and Heero was down on his knees in front of her, tugging down her skirt and dipping his tongue in her belly button in the process of progressing lower. "Maxwell--"
"Nah, he was headed back this way, anyway." Duo shifted again, moving a little closer to Wufei and a little farther from the threesome as Trowa thrust against Relena's back, craning his head to work his lips around the curve of her
jaw line. Relena turned her head to meet Trowa's lips with startling energy as Heero began to tongue Relena in a place Wufei hadn't been since he met Zechs.
Wufei felt embarrassingly, achingly hard as one of Heero's hands moved, first to Relena's hips, and then back to pull Trowa's in, the other hand stroking something hidden by his head.
"Oh!" Relena gasped, spreading her legs wider and thrusting her hips, first towards Heero and then back against Trowa. Her skirt was down about one ankle, as well as her underwear, and her shirt hung wide open. Trowa's hands twisted her nipples. "Trowa! Heero!"
Wufei felt Duo's gaze on him, and looked over to where the other fairy stood, close enough to touch. Lips parted, he stared at Duo's flushed face, admiring the beautiful eyes and rich mouth that seemed to hang halfway open, as if in invitation. "Duo," he whispered, a hand reaching out to hold his friend's as Duo's lifted to meet him.
"Trowa Barton, what in the name of Allah are you doing?!?"
The voice, dripping with chill, brought everyone in the clearing out of whatever spell they'd been in. Wufei felt strangely disappointed when Duo took a step away and looked back towards the clearing.
Trowa sighed and brushed another kiss over Relena's collarbone before Relena squealed, pulled away from the two men, and tugged her shirt closed and her skirt back on in a movement so quick that Heero barely realized what had happened.
"Quatre!" she yelped. "Something strange is going on!"
"Yes," he said, his voice suddenly strangely calm. "You were having sex with two gay men."
"They seduced me!"
"We're not gay," Heero and Trowa said in unison, glaring at Quatre.
"You've both declared undying love for me, and I'm a man! You're men, I'm a man, we're men! You're gay! Trowa--" Quatre turned to Trowa with a confused look. "Trowa, I thought you loved me!"
"I love Relena!" Trowa told Quatre before looking at Heero. "We both do!"
"It was almost like consensual rape!" Relena cried, blushing as her hand smoothed down her shirt, traveling across her stomach towards her crotch.
Quatre whirled on Relena. "I said you could have one of them! One! I can't believe you took both!"
"This is some kind of joke," Relena said. "Nobody likes me! You're all just messing with my head." Wufei noticed that she didn't seem to be too adverse to the idea of continuing the head-messing. "Or, maybe I'm just asleep."
"You can have Heero, but at least leave me Trowa!"
"No! Relena's ours!"
"Boys!" Relena said desperately, still trying to straighten her clothing. "Two of you is way more than I can handle, and what about poor Quatre?"
"'Poor Quatre'?" Quatre's eyes seemed to flash strange colors. "I will destroy you!"
"I'll protect you!" Heero and Trowa yelped, both moving to restrain Quatre.
"I think," Wufei told Duo, "that you better fix this soon before that blond boy's eye twitches right out of his head."
"If we get rid of him, you think those three'll go at it again?"
"Maxwell!"
"Right, right."
Before he could move, though, Quatre broke free from Heero and Trowa's restraining grips--the boy was stronger than he looked, Wufei mused--and lunged at Relena, who shrieked quickly and fled off into the trees, pursued closely by Quatre. The blond boy appeared to be foaming at the mouth. The other two boys exchanged a heated glance before following.
Duo laughed suddenly. "This is better than any of the soaps I've ever seen!"
Wufei found himself chuckling; Duo's laughter was contagious. "Come on, let's fix these silly mortals."
"Wait, Wu-chan?"
"Yes, Maxwell?"
"They have to be asleep before we can use the flower to make Trowa fall back in love with Quatre, right?"
Wufei nodded. "Yes."
"Well, then... why don't we just let them tire themselves out?" He winked. "I think they could all use a good group orgy."
Wufei growled through his blush, but didn't argue with Duo's laziness. It crossed his mind to wonder exactly which one of them was the king of the fairies and which was just a servant, but it was always easier to just go with what Duo wanted rather than make a fuss. He found himself wondering what Duo was thinking when the three mortals had been engaging in pleasant body contact, and what Duo would have done to him if Wufei'd allowed him to brush the pollen of the flower across his eyes, like he had jokingly tried to do earlier. Then he remembered Zechs, and thought that it might actually be nice to exact some of the revenge he'd gone out to get. Well, they'd finish up with these mortals first and then he'd go distract himself from Duo by thinking of Zechs.
Yep, that killed his erection. He wondered what Duo had surprised Zechs with, anyway.