i'm just spinning my wheels, aren't i?

Thursday ~ July 8, 1999

I'm Just Spinning My Wheels, Aren't I?

I was really feeling a sense of panic today. I guess the fact that I can't find any work had gotten the best of me.

I can't seem to shake the feelings of being inferior, not being able to properly function. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm becoming agoraphobic... I feel very afraid of a lot of things lately. And I easily get panic attacks, which I've never gotten before I was let go from the band!

So even though I read Zen things and pearls of wisdom from philosophy books, it still seems that my reality is separate from my reading all about the wisdom of life. And the reality of it all is I can't seem to find work in anything!!!!

I feel anger and frustration, I make phone calls all day and I try to network... why can't I find some work!!!

I'm trying everything I possibly can to cope with my situation. I walk everyday with my wife, I exercise until my muscles are sore, all this to help cope with the stress. I make calls everyday trying to contact musicians and club managers. I get the feeling everyone is purposely trying to avoid me for some reason unbeknownst to only me.

It's really getting pretty hard, financially.

While I'm reading books of wisdom... the bible, the Tao Te Ching, Zen... it all makes sense to me. But when it comes to dealing with the reality of my predicament, I'm at a loss for words.

My situation is this... I'm a good enough drummer that I should be able to get a gig or two around town, you'd think. And I can't get a regular day gig because I've been a musician full-time for the last seven years. I have no skills or experience now to be able to get a day job, unless of course I go and flip some burgers for MacDonald's.

What to do, what to do...

I'm spinning my wheels, big time!

I've thought about ending my life, but what good would that do? I have a family that needs me, I have responsibilities, obligations.... I'm a dad!

How the hell did I get into this mess?

It's almost as if someone put a curse on me.

I've made way too many sacrifices in my life to just blow it all away, even to just go back to a regular 9 to 5 life.

I need help... but how can I get help?

What can I do?

What more can be done?

What am I doing wrong?

These are questions I'm asking myself right this very minute...

I can't sleep...