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| SUNDAY
May 30, 1999
Emotional Spikes
If people sat outside and looked at the
stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. When you look
into infinity, you realise that there are more important things than
what people do all day.
I was browsing some journals today and I came upon the above quote and I felt really good, knowing that I HAVE done this before (gazing up at the stars and wondering), and realizing that there's more to life than constantly worrying about my own problems. People get caught up in their "day to day" lives that they DON'T stop to smell the roses or to just admire the ocean. I guess the recent problems in my own life had taken over me because of the stress of losing a good paying job. And now I'm left to start all over again. But just staring at the stars at night is enough to keep everything in perspective! I really liked that quote, and it made my day. I actually created a "Will" today... well, actually... two Wills... one for myself and one for my wife. We'd been talking about it for a long time and last week we finally ordered the WillMaker software that lets you create a legally binding Will. Of course, you need to have your signature witnessed and a notary public to sign and stamp it. And now I just have to create the other documents to complete the entire "death" plan, such as creating the document that would specify how my remains were to be handled, whether by burial or cremation. I've thought about it and I think I want to be cremated and my ashes spread across the Pacific Ocean, or maybe just have the ashes kept in an urn. Anyway, it's such a morbid and strange thought, to be planning you own death arrangements, but it's something we all must think about sooner or later. My parents had saved us all the trouble regarding their burial plans. They have everything purchased and ready to go, just so we don't have to go through the added torture of having to arrange for everything when they "go". I had what I call an emotional spike today. I had this sudden urge to cry and just simply breakdown. Good thing I didn't breakdown in a public place. That would've been embarrasing for my wife. I still have a lot of emotions tied in with the band. I gave it "my all" in that band and it's as if my efforts were in vain. Of course, fans and friends will argue with me that I gave them great drum solos and had the right grooves and tempos for the dancers. It's just this "inferiority complex" of mine, something I need to shake off, but it seems to be part of my system, but it does make me very critical of myself and be a total perfectionist. That is why I believe the band was "barking up the wrong tree" when it came to tempo fluctuations and mis-phrasings. I have exceptional ears and I could hear everything, including the blatant mistakes, such as a squeaking clarinet reed or a wrong note. And I was "let go" for minor tempo fluctuations? Sounds like someone wanted their buddy in the band instead of me. Go figure! Anyway, the emotonal pain is there and I have to deal with it, meaning I am still going through some sort of healing process... I went to my parents house today to pick
up my two boys, who had slept overnight there. I hadn't
told my parents yet that I had been fired from the band. I
was afraid to. I don't know... my father's had
a heart attack already, and I'm afraid he'll have another one if
I tell him. It just seemed that they were finally proud of
me that I was in a successful band, finally. So I'm rather
ashamed about it now. And I know my mother will tell me to
quit the music business again and go back to school and study something
else... computers again, but I've been through all that
and I still believe I was destined to continue with my music.
Somehow, I'll find a way to truly succeed on my own terms.
Today's Music Served
The Carpenters ~ The Singles Samuel Barber ~ Adagio For Strings Eric Satie ~ Gymnopedies No. 2 and 3 Igor Stravinsky ~ The Rite Of Spring Keith Jarrett ~ The Paris Concert
Music On The Road... Poncho Sanchez ~ Salsa Hits! Rogers & Hammerstein ~ The King and I
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Copyright ©1999 Carlos Rull. All Rights Reserved.
