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May
19, 1998
tempered will
I guess ever since I was in my teens I've always been acutely critical of myself. This can be a very good thing when wanting to excel at something such as sports or music. To be the very best that you can be is what the ideal standard is for a lot of people. It could, however, lead to things like depression or anxiety, and could prove to be very torturous to the soul. In my past, I have a lot of skeletons in the closet, failures that I've had to own up to. I've now come to the conclusion that I must release these "demons" that haunt me, for to linger on these are just too painful to bear. In college, I was an aspiring symphony percussionist. To be a symphony percussionist was the ideal achievement for me and I'd had this dream since about 9 years of age. I passed my audition with flying colors and I was acknowledged by my professor as being a very promising percussionist. I remember him telling me after my audition that he was so impressed, that I would have to teach him some of the stuff I did that day. By him saying that, he possibly did not realize that it was one of the best compliments of my life. I cherish the day of my audition at the university, even to this very day. And today it is the achievement of my childhood and adolescent musical years that keep me going. Well, as the months passed at the university, I realized I was in demand. They wanted me to be in the Percussion Ensemble, The University Symphony, and Wind Ensembles and all the other bands. I was doing great I thought, my dream come true, to be going to a major university and being a percussion major. My dreams however were shattered when one day, in the Wind Ensemble, which was considered the very best at this university, the director started to become abusive toward me. As I played the bass drum during one of our rehearsal pieces, this director suddenly stopped the ensemble and started to "go after me" so to speak. He asked me in a very sarcastic tone, "Where did you learn to play that?" Being in front of my peers, I was truly humiliated. Here I was doing great when I was suddenly put into a position where I didn't know how to respond. This director was "the man" at this university, and along with his clout, he was a very powerful figure, so for him to start on me was just a major blow to my self-esteem. The rest of the rehearsal he just kept on "ragging" on me which by now, because of my "shell-shock" my performance was truly suffering now. Now from here on this type of abuse went on for the rest of the semester, and it got to be too hard for me to bear. I believe in the goodness of all people, but I was almost wondering if this constant harrassment was do to prejudice on this director's part, since I'm obviously a minority in a predominantly white school. Well, the months had gone by, and I did complain to the Dean about this. I didn't really get any action from anyone at the administrative offices. And, this director was a very powerful figure in the Music Department. I finally just didn't bother going to the rehearsal anymore when one day, after one of our performances, he came up to me and whispered something which devastated me to the depths of my soul, so it seemed. He told me, "YOU WILL NEVER, EVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN MUSIC". There really wasn't anything I could say at that point. Being the type of person I was at the time, I had to accept defeat. I just walked away from that scene not knowing what to think and I never went back to that Wind Ensemble ever again. Well, for months I was in a severe depression. I eventually dropped out of the music program and out of college. I never was into music with that much intensity after that experience, even though music was a big part of my life. It wasn't until years later that someone, an old friend from one of the past jazz bands that I used to play in, suddenly kept coaxing me to get back into music. She would call a few times a month, but with a certain persistence. Well, after a few months, I finally gave in and went to a rehearsal. This proved to be the beginning of where I'm at now. And today, I'm performing at my best since my days at the university, even better. I seemed to have gotten "it" back. So, nowadays, I look back at those bad times and I feed off of them, and it's sort of like "turning a bad thing into a good thing". I'm out now to prove this director WRONG. And it was all a matter of changing my attitude toward the situation. I guess it took me awhile to see it, but at least I'm back at doing the one thing I truly enjoy in life, and that is to play music to my heart's desire...
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