A sexist joke?
A man is talking to God and
asks Him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" to which God responds:
"So that you would fine them attractive." Then the man asks: "God, but
why did you have to make them so dumb?" to which God responds: "So that
they would find YOU attractive."
MEN VS. WOMEN
A compiled edition from various sources
Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do
Three Wishes??(revenge is soooo sweet)
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstacy. For my last wish...
"I'd like to give birth to
twins"
Divert Your Course!
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95,
MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats...they taste like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.....Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Tow-ers will be violated
Montana--At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think...they are out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
like the IRS
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Wink! I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? It's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about world peace....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may
be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is ''abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Didja hear about the group of hillbillies who were celebrating all night in a bar? "94 days!" they kept shouting and hooting all night long . . . "94 days!!" The barkeep was really pleased with the increase in business, but totally puzzled by their repetitious yelling of, "94 days!!" He finally managed to pull one of them aside.
"This is quite a celebration, isn't it?", he asked.
"Sure is," as the drunken hillbilly swayed, "we did it in 94 days!!!"
"Did what?", probed the bartender.
"We put that puzzle together in 94 days!!", the hillbilly beamed back.
"That must have been quite a challenge", retorted the bartender.
"It sure was", the hillbilly boasted, "on the end of the box it said '5 to 7 years' . . . !!!"
A priest, doctor and lawyer were visiting a wealthy eccentric who was on his death bed. He believed that he could take his wealth with him after he died and so the eccentric gives each one of them $100,000 cash with the request that they place the money in his casket at his wake so that he could be buried with it. The eccentric dies a few days later and at the wake, the priest comes up and places an envelope in the casket. The
doctor likewise places an envelope in the casket and finally the lawyer places an envelope in the casket. Later that day, the three of them are at a bar reminiscing about the eccentric when the priest says, "I must confess, I did not place all $100,000 in the casket. I took $20,000 out and gave it to the homeless children. I'm sure he would have wanted it that way." "Well,"
says the doctor, "I, too, did not place all $100,000 in the casket. He owed me $5,000 for unpaid medical bills so I took only the money he owed me and placed the rest in with him." "I'm ashamed of both of you," pipes up the lawyer. "You put it all in?" asks the other two. "I certainly did," responds the lawyer. "All $100,000 - my personal check."
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick
fogbank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk. "Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect landing at the Seattle Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I knew I was at Microsoft tech support."
Dog Rules
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't
believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's the letter M!"
