Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web
10. Your opening line
is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
9. You see a
beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced Netscape 1.1" on
one of the clouds.
8. You are overcome
with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed accept when you encounter
a Webpage with no links.
7. You felt
driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
6. One of your
best friends is Mirsky,
and you've never met him.
5. You are driving
on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending
your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separate you the precipice
of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for
the "Back" button.
4. You visit
"The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again
and again.
3. Your dog
has his own webpage.
2. So does your
hamster.
AND the number
1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:
1. When you
read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined
passages.
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that He was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, He told the three that He was destroying the Earth in three days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and
businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did, He was NOT changing His mind.
So....Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news. First the good news... there IS a God. The bad news is that He is destroying the Earth in three days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff that he had bad news and bad news. The first was, "There IS a God." The second was, "He is destroying the Earth in three days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. The second is, we don't have to fix the bugs in Win95."
This burglar is breaking into some house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!". The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens. After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelery, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!". "Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?". He still doesn't dare to use his torch though. Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!".
Ok, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite. After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age"
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yep!"
Burglar: "Gosh I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"
Parrot: "Henry"
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot?"
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"
When the air traffic controllers went on strike in 1980, who was called in to take their place?
Why, Tattoo and Bob Barker, of course.
Tattoo would point to the sky and yell, "Da plane! Da plane!"
and Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"
TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE 95 IN
WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS
5. The number of minutes to install
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
2. MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was DUE to ship.
Cellar Full of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
KITTY LITTER
When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat. I couldn't afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt. We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the box of dirt. When we got back, the cat looked like a football and could hardly walk. I don't know how to describe what happened when it got to the box of dirt.
Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he
was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months
before......
At this point God created Hell.
The Carpet Man
A carpet-layer is exhausted after a hard day's work--his partner didn't show up and he's finally finished laying carpeting in a large home all by himself. Cleaning up his tools and preparing to leave, he pats his pocket and realizes his cigarette pack is missing. Looking around, he suddenly notices a small lump in the center of the carpeting he just laid--just about the size of his cigarette pack. He thinks for a minute--then quickly takes a board and hammer. Laying the board overthe lump, he hammers the lump absolutely flat--it's virtually undetectable. Sighing with relief that he doesn't need to pull the carpet up again, he loads
his equipment into his truck, only to discoverhis cigarettes lying on the front seat. Just then the lady of the house runs out to his truck, "The carpeting looks great, thank you," she says, "By the way, have you seen my parakeet?"
Speeding
I was driving home yesterday and going 20 above the speed limit. Sure enough, there was a police car with its red lights on behind me soon enough. I had some liquid courage in me so me thinks: "I can outrun this guy," and floor it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as the speedometer passes 110, I figured "what the heck," give up and pull over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the car, leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I
just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going well over 100." I though for a moment and than said: "Officer, three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
. . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny
. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
. . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
. . . when someone accuses you of faking humor
. . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!
