My Baptism - One
of My Greatest Testimonies
(written by Faith, June of 1998)
I
think the main reason for my wanting to be
baptized was desperately wanting and needing a
change in my life. I guess a lot of people would
say I had it very good - four healthy children, a
good job, a house. But I think my oldest son put
it best a year or so ago, "It's all a show
and you're nothing but a fake." And he was
right, I put on an act for the world to see but
what was inside of me wasn't so pretty. I was
bitter, lonely, and very unhappy.
So, I fixed up the house, changed my hairstyle
and lost 10 pounds. But guess what!
I still wasn't happy and couldn't figure it out.
What was wrong with me?
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It wasn't until after my last romantic break up.
I took a very close look at my life and myself.
Even now months later I can feel his arms around
me, see the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled at
me, the phone rings and a part of me wishes it
would be his voice on the other end of the line.
I'll never forget the day we talked about the
book I'm writing, the story of my life, he
insisted he had to be in the book and I said I'd
already planned on him being the last chapter, he
was very pleased with that.
Must be a really great guy for me to feel that
strongly toward him right? I suppose he was
when you left out his substance abuse and the
mental abuse he heaped on me. This was a man
whose own mother said he was Satan himself and he
took pride in the name. Where do you go after
loving and being loved by Satan? I didn't see
anything lower than that, so could only go up.
Thinking about it now in new light and life I
know he will be the last chapter of my life,
the old one.
So I dug really deep and had to admit to myself
if to no one else that there was something wrong
with me! And believe me it wasn't easy after all,
for years my motto was "There's nothing
wrong with me, it's the rest of the world that's
messed up." I'd spent most of my life hiding
the truth from everyone including myself. And I
was good at it. So good that my mother didn't
know my father had been abusing me for 10 years
until I told her. So good my husband didn't
realize I hadn't left our house for three months
(not even to go to the store). So good that I was
36 years old before anyone but my youngest sister
knew that I was borderline bulimic - 5'10"
and 120lbs, I ate I took a laxative. So good that
until now there was only one person in the world
that knew I almost killed my unborn child and
myself.
I wasn't getting very far finding out for myself
what was wrong. Then one night after weeks of
getting now where, tossing and turning in bed, a
thought came to me. I remembered a similar night
almost 22 years ago when a dear friend of mine
told me to open the bible he'd given me a few
months before. I can still hear his words, he
said, "Just read it, the answers are all
there." So just as I did back then I started
reading. There was no rhyme or reason to what I
read, I just read. After a half-hour or so I
started to see what was happening, nearly
everything I read said something about Baptism!
I had accepted Christ as my Savior at age 18,
didn't really understand it all but said all the
words. Then at 22 I was going to be Baptized but
got side tracked and didn't follow through, only
to sink deeper and deeper into a life of misery.
What I read that night scared me. I'd always
thought when I died I'd go to Heaven but what I
was reading was saying I should be Baptized. What
if I was wrong? The words of a child came to mind
a niece (15) had asked me, "Aunt Faith when
the end comes am I going to see you again?"
Those were the last words she spoke to me, she
went to live with the Lord 2 months later, dying
from life long medical complications.
What if I died and hadn't done what I was
supposed to do. I've heard a million times if
there's a Heaven there must be a Hell. Well, it
worked in reverse for me - I knew there was a
Hell, I'd been living on the edge of it for
years. And the thought of dying and it being y
life all over scared me more than anything in my
life ever had.
If you look at life like a ladder, when you're
born you're in the middle and from there you can
go up or you can go down. I was on the bottom
rung of my ladder and looking at a long hard
climb up or just dangling on that bottom rung
until it turned into eternity.
It didn't hit me until five hours after my
baptism that in a matter of seconds I felt I had
been catapulted back up to the middle rung of my
ladder. I now feel strong and ready for the rest
of my climb to the top, am looking forward to all
the "firsts" in my new life, and
excited about sharing those firsts with my new
friends. I'm sure there will be occasional
setbacks but at lest up here on the top half of
the ladder I have people supporting and cheering
me on my climb, opposed to the bottom half where
I had people constantly pulling me down.
What do I think was wrong with me? I wasn't
listening! Even though I know God was in my life
I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I thank
God for the friends who've stood beside me
through these difficult times, for the new
friends helping me on my climb, and for accepting
me into his arms.
Since writing this I have had several people tell
me that baptism is not a "rebirth" but
only an outward sign of our love for God. For me
it was that sign that turned my life around and
gave me the strength and courage to trust in the
Lord. For me, it was very much like a
"rebirth" because I honestly feel like
a new person now.
I listen to the
Lord with ears wide open now and praise
Our Heavenly Father for providing others who
listen also.
Do you
listen when He speaks?
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