From the backseat of Curt's rented car, Oz could see that Xander was just sitting in the passenger seat, blindly looking out of the front window. Curt had tried to strike up a conversation but all Xander would do was grunt his responses.

They made it down to LA in a little over two hours, and spent another forty-five minutes getting to the airport. It took them another twenty-five minutes to find the terminal Brian's plane had been assigned. When the three guys got there, Brian was no where to be seen.

"Excuse me," Curt asked the attendant behind the desk. "Is everyone off the plane?" The pretty brunette quirked an eyebrow in question. "I'm looking for my brother, he was supposed to wait here until we showed up."

Smiling, the attendant nodded. "Everyone's off. There was a man who had been waiting around, but he left a little bit ago. He went that way," she said as she pointed to her left.

Thanking her, Curt walked off in that direction with Oz and Xander following behind.

"I hope he's still here," Xander mumbled in a worried voice.

"He's still here," Oz assured. "Where would he go?" Xander just shrugged, his hands finding their way into the pockets of his jeans.

The two younger men caught up with Curt and all three stopped in front of one of the airport's lounges. Knowing that if Brian were anywhere, he'd be where the alcohol was being served, Curt led Xander and Oz into the smoky establishment. Winding their way into the bar area, they saw a young man sitting at the end of bar. His hair was dyed blonde on top with brown roots showing at the bottom. The man threw back another shot of an amber liquid and Curt took that moment to clap him on the back. "Brian. Why are you in the bar?" Curt asked in a chastising way.

Picking up his cigarette from the ashtray and taking a long pull, Brian smiled. "I knew you'd find me in here. Thing is, is that I've got this tab now and hell, you know that they took all my money when I went to the Center."

Sighing, Curt asked, "How many drinks have you had?"

Scrunching up his face, shaking his head and shrugging, the younger brother replied, "Couple."

"Right," Curt said, unbelieving. Turning and catching the bartender's attention, Curt pulled out his wallet and asked how much Brian owed.

Brian turned around, his movement languid and sloppy. A slow smile spread over his face when his eyes settled on Xander. "Damn but you got big."

Xander nodded, a nervous smile playing on his lips. "Yeah. Growth spurt. It happens." Unlike with Curt, Xander didn't have to be asked for a hug. Moving quickly, he hugged his brother tightly. "I missed you, Bri."

"Yeah." Brian's arms tighten around his younger brother carefully so his cigarette wouldn't burn him. "I wish you'd moved to New York after your eighteenth birthday. You and I could've..."

Curt cut him off. "Xander has a life here, Bri."

Still within his brother's embrace, Xander said quietly, "I wanted to."

Pulling away, Brian took one last drag from his cigarette before snubbing it out in the ashtray. Blowing the smoke out before returning to Xander, he noticed the other guy who was just standing off to the side. "Oh," Xander said, noticing where Brian's gaze was and remembering Oz. "That's Oz, my roommate." He turned a little more to Oz. "Oz, this is my brother, Brian."

"Nice to meet you," Oz said politely as he shook the other man's hand.

**

"So are you still seeing Alosia?" Xander asked, his voice conveying his excitement.

Brian shook his head. "Nah. She kicked me out when I stole a hundred bucks from her. I mean, I was going to pay her back but... I miss her though. She was good in bed." Looking at Xander, he smiled. "You don't still blush whenever sex is mentioned, do you?" Studying Xander closely, Curt spoke quietly. "Yeah, she used to do this thing with her mouth that made all my hair stand up straight. She must have been sucking on bottles until she was like fourteen because that girl had the strongest facial muscles I've ever seen. She could suck and suck and her jaw would ever get tired."

Brian's smile widened and he clapped his hands. "Xander! You still blush! I thought you lost your cherry back in high school."

"I did," Xander said quietly with a smile. "But it wasn't anything to write home about."

"Shit, first times never are." Wrapping an arm around Xander's shoulders, Brian drew Xander in closer, so that Xander's head rested on the older brother's shoulder. "Damn, did I tell you about Kate and her friend Katie? Xander, you should have seen them. They were something else."

Xander raised his eyebrows. "Yeah?" he asked, showing his interest in the story. Brian could be talking about what kind of shampoo was the best and Xander would be interested. It didn't matter what the subject was; Xander was interested in every story and every word that had ever come out of Brian's mouth.

"They were so hot, Popeye." Xander smiled brightly when Brian used his nickname. It had been explained to him that when he had first been born, Xander had only ever opened one eye and Curt and Brian had taken to calling him Popeye after the cartoon character. The name stuck.

"They were strippers I met at some club. They did this thing with glittery oil that damn near made me come in my pants. I'm telling you. And I was lucky enough to get to spend time with them after the show. They had an apartment over the club and we went up there and good God almighty! I thought I knew everything about sex, but those girls showed me some things that night that I ain't ever seen before. Katie had this..."

"Brian," Curt said loudly, his eyes flicking from the road back to the rear view mirror several times. "Don't go filling his head with that shit."

"He's a goddamn adult, Curt. If I want to tell him about bisexual strippers, I can. You're not his dad, so stop trying to be."

Sighing loudly, Curt refocused his attention on driving. "Didn't know that Xander had such a fucked up life, did you?" he asked Oz quietly.

Oz just shrugged.

Half way back to Sunnydale, Oz turned around quickly, observing Xander and his brother for a moment. He had never seen Xander like this. He wondered at the way Xander had just sort of melted into Brian's embrace. All during the car ride back to Sunnydale, Xander allowed Brian to hug him. From the front seat, Oz could hear Xander crying softly and he could hear Brian tell him softly that he had to toughen up, that he couldn't let everyone see what his father had done.

Although the brothers were talking in ultra-hushed tones, it was easy for Oz to pick up their voices. Ever since his first senior year of high school, he had noticed that he had sensitive hearing, most likely a werewolf thing.

"Bri, it's so hard, I don't know how to feel."

Nodding, Brian tightened his arm around Xander. "It's okay. I mean, Curt's forgiven him practically, and I hate him, so it's only natural for you to be the one who doesn't know yet."

"Most of me hates him, but there's this small part of me that just can't."

"My advise? Fuck it. He doesn't deserve you feeling this bad. He got what he deserved. A nice fiery death with alcohol included."

Sniffling, Xander pulled back a little from Brian. "Are you going to stay off drugs this time?"

Rolling his eyes, Brian replied, "Don't you start. I already have Curt on my ass..."

"No," Xander said quickly. "I'm not going to. I just..." His voice trailed off as he shrugged. "I just want you to be safe. I worry."

"It's all under control, Popeye. Don't worry about me. I'm in detox. I'll get clean. I mean, It's been a week. No drugs so far."

"That's good," Xander smiled.

"Doesn't mean that I wouldn't do any if I had some."

"Why? I mean, why do you use?"

Looking him in the eye, Brian asked Xander in a low whisper, "Why do cut yourself?" Xander's eyes dropped immediately as his chin began to quiver. Noticing, Brian asked, "What? You think that I was just going to forget that phone call."

Swallowing against the newly formed lump in his throat, Xander mumbled, "I had hoped you had. You haven't mentioned it..."

"There isn't any way I'd forget it, Xander. And I haven't mentioned that call was because I know it sucks to have certain things brought up over and over again. But I haven't forgotten. You still do it?"

Xander nodded, but stopped quickly and glanced up to the front seat with a horrified look on his face. Turning back to Brian, Xander clutched his arm. "You didn't tell Curt, did you, Bri? He doesn't know, does he?"

He shook his head. "No, I didn't. Have you told anyone else?" Xander nodded. "Who?"

Nodding up to the front, Xander indicated Oz. "Oz. I told him that he was the only one who knew."

"Why?"

Xander shrugged. "To make the moment more special?"

"Be serious, Xand."

Shaking his head, Xander shrugged again. "I don't know. I guess maybe wishful thinking that you didn't still remember?" More tears sprang up in his eyes. "I don't know. I just..."

Seeing his brother's tears, Brian pulled him back into an embrace. "It's okay. Xander, it's okay. Sometimes I say things and I don't know why I did. It's okay." Pausing for a moment, he ran his hand once through Xander's hair. "I know you don't hear this enough, but I love you and I hope you know that. Curt loves you too and so does Mom. We don't say it enough, I think. We were trained by Dad too well."

When Xander didn't respond, Brian began to speak again. "So you want to hear about what those strippers and I did? It involves candle wax and ice cream and a couple pairs of those Strong Hold hand cuffs."

Xander smiled and a small laugh erupted from him despite himself.

*****
Part 9:

"Brian, you can stay with me and Oz, if you want," Xander offered as they passed the Welcome to Sunnydale sign.

Before Brian could answer, Curt said, "We're going to see Mom now."

"Could you drop me and Oz off first?"

Curt shook his head as he turned the corner. "No."

"Why?" Xander asked loudly, a small panic rising within him.

"Because she's your fucking mother too and you can visit her with us."

Xander pulled out of Brian's embrace and pressed himself to the opposite side of the car. "You know, Curt," Brian said as he slid over next to Xander and ran his hand through his brother's hair. "You shouldn't make him go if he doesn't want to go."

"Thank you, Brian, for saying that. Maybe one of these days you can start defending me some time."

"Like you need defending, Mr. I'm-Always-Right-So-Do-As-I-Say. Have you thought about the fact that maybe Xander doesn't want to go back to that house? Huh? That maybe that'd be a little too much for him right now?"

"I'm staying there and it's not..."

"Well out of all three of us, Curt you had it the easiest."

Pulling over to the side of the road, the oldest brother stopped the car, put it in park and turned around to face the two brothers in the back. "Fuck you, Brian. Like you know shit about it."

"I was there, asshole. I remember. I'm not saying that you had it good or nothing, but you definitely had it the easiest." Brian shook his head as he saw Curt roll his eyes. "How many times a week did you get the belt, Curt? 'Cause I know that Xander and I got it at least five times a week and one a good day we'd get it twice, once when he came home and once before bed."

"Awww, you had it so bad. Are you angry with me because you got hit more or because I didn't? Because you know what? Every time that he hit you or Xand, I had to clean it up. Did you forget that I'm the one that wiped your goddamn bloody noses and took care of the welts on your backs?"

"No," Brian said quietly. "I didn't forget that. Look, all I'm saying is that Xander had it the worst and maybe he doesn't feel like he can go back there."

"Dad's dead."

"No shit but what he did to Xander is still inside him, Curt. Just because you can forget or forgive or ignore or whatever the hell you do, doesn't mean that Xander can."

Sighing and running a hand through his closely cropped hair, Curt said, "You always tell him to toughen up, but then you always turn around and baby him."

"You don't know him, Curt."

"And you do? I'm sorry but I seem to remember you being blasted out of you mind during most of his phone calls."

Ignoring his brother, Brian continued. "You don't know what he went through; you don't know what he's going through. You don't know what dad did to him. Yeah, you know about the hits and the belt and the closet and all that, but you don't know about..." Brian's words trailed off as he heard the car door open. He turned when he felt Xander slip away beside him. "Where are you going?"

Xander shook his head as he dried his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I just thought you and Curt could have a better conversation about me without me being in the car." Looking to Curt, he said, "I'm not going to visit her." Xander turned around and started walking, ignoring his brothers' voices to get back in the car.

Oz, who had been silent during the whole argument and most of the ride to Sunnydale, opened his eyes and unfastened his seatbelt. "I'll get him," he said quietly as he opened the door. "I'm going to take him back to the apartment. Hopefully, he'll get some sleep." Not feeling that it was his place to chide the two brothers for their behavior, Oz simply got out, closed the door and walked after Xander.

"Xander!" he called as he picked up the pace. "Xander, slow down." The taller boy slowed and Oz was able to catch him. "You okay?" he asked as he came up beside him.

"Do you think I'm okay?" Xander snapped.

Oz shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"I just want to go home," Xander said in a strained, quiet voice.

**

Once they walked through the front door, Xander mumbled, "Night, Oz." Walking quickly through the front room and down the hall, Xander made it to his room and stripped off his shirt, pants, shoes and socks. He crawled onto his bed, pulling the covers up over him. All he wanted to do was sleep.

Two hours later, he realized that he couldn't sleep. His mind was too full and he had the urge to go back into his closet and find the towel, splattered with crimson, and the implements wrapped within it. After a silent debate with himself, Xander threw the covers back and stood up.

Instead of walking to the closet, he walked to the door, opening it and then moving out into the hall. He knocked softly on Oz's door before opening it quietly and slipping inside the room. "Oz?" he whispered.

"Yeah?" came the muffled, quiet reply.

Xander didn't say anything, he just moved to Oz's bed and slipped in beside the older boy. Oz's arm moved around Xander's waist and pulled him closer, tighter against him. Xander molded himself against Oz's body. He tucked his head under Oz's chin and almost smiled at how good it felt.

Oz wasn't quiet sure what to do. He wasn't sure if he should attempt to talk to Xander about what had been said in the car, or if he should just let it go and just hold Xander until they fell asleep. Shifting, Oz touched his lips to Xander's forehead.

"I have to go to work tomorrow, Oz."

"I know."

"I don't want to."

After a long silence, Oz asked quietly, "What are you thinking about?"

"Couple things," he returned. "I bet you wish you never met me. Then you wouldn't have to put up with all this."

"Don't say that. I'm glad I met you. And I'm not putting up with anything, Xander. I like being with you."

Xander pulled back a little, his eyes drifting you to meet Oz's. "Brian knows about me hurting myself."

Nodding, Oz replied, "I know. I heard."

"Are you mad 'cause I lied?"

"No."

"I feel like doing it now. I feel like cutting," Xander said quietly. "But I don't really want to."

"Then don't. Stay with me." Leaning down, Oz brushed his lips over Xander's then gently sucked Xander's lower lip between his. Pulling back, Oz leaned his forehead against Xander's. "I'll hold you."

**

Around four in the afternoon, Oz returned home from work, knowing that Xander would be home as well. Walking into the apartment, Oz found Xander spread out on the couch, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the television. "Hey, Xand."

Looking up, Xander yawned. He hadn't got much sleep the night before. "Hey. How was work?"

"Crappy, but what's new? How about you? How was your day?"

Xander sat up. "Busy. Carol seems to think that because I called out before that I deserve extra work now that I'm back."

"Did you tell her that you had a family emergency and that your dad died?" he asked as he sat down next to his roommate.

"No." Eyeing the bag that Oz was holding, Xander asked, "What's that?"

"This?" Oz smiled. "This is for you."

"Why? And what is it?"

"Because and here," he answered, holding the bag out to Xander.

Reaching into the orange plastic bag, Xander grasped the rectangular object and pulled it out. A smile crept onto his face as he looked at the box. "Cool," he said as his eyes read over the words. It was the latest James Bond Nintendo game he'd been wanting for over a month. He'd never had enough money to spare to buy it and he was waiting for the price to go down. "Thanks, Oz." Xander turned to face him. "Why'd you do this?"

"Because I wanted to." Smiling, Oz reached out and cupped Xander's face. "Besides, it was on sale." Oz moved closer, his arms moving to encompass Xander as his lips bushed against his cheek. Xander tilted his head until his lips were moving against Oz's.

The game fell to the cushions of the couch as Xander let himself be swept away with the kiss. He moved within Oz's embrace so that their chests were pressed against each other. The kiss deepened and their tongues tickled the other's mouths as their hands began to explore each other's body. Oz leaned back until his was lying on the couch. He brought Xander down on top of him.

The kissing continued until Xander felt himself harden and then felt Oz harden in response. He pulled back, moving off of Oz and wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "This is a multi player game," he said quietly as his hand found the box and held it up. "You want to play?"

Closing his eyes tightly for a moment, Oz sat up. When his eyes opened, he saw how Xander's leg was nervously bouncing up and down. Smiling, trying to reassure Xander, Oz placed a hand on Xander's knee, stilling the hyper appendage. "Sure. But I get to Bond."

Xander smiled. "No fair. You're always Double-Oh-Seven in the other game. You can be the bad secret agent lady with large breasts and a big gun."

**

The large breasted female agent was kicking Bond's tuxedo wearing ass when a knock came on the door. Oz paused the game then hopped up and answered it. "Hey, Brian," he greeted as he let Xander's brother inside.

Xander smiled and hopped up, moving to his brother for a hug. "Where's Curt?"

"Grocery shopping for Mom," Brian replied as he embraced his brother. "You know him, goody-goody to the end. I swear, he was up at the butt crack of dawn mowing the lawn and fixing the shingles on the house."

"No wonder Mom loves him best," Xander mumbled.

"Listen, Xand, about last night..."

Not wanting to discuss it, Xander cut him off. "So what's up, Bri?"

Letting it go, Brian smiled. "Not much. Just thought we could go out to dinner or something. Curt's too busy playing the good son, so it'll just be me and you."

"Cool. Can Oz come?" Brian shrugged in indifference and Xander turned to his roommate. "Oz?"

"I can't. Band practice. Devon's on the warpath because I flaked out on him last night."

"Oh. Okay."

"But you guys go and have fun. I'm going to turn off the game, okay?" Xander nodded and Oz flicked off the TV and then the Nintendo.

**

A half an hour later, Xander found himself in one of Sunnydale's many strip clubs, a plate of French fries and shrimp in front of him. "I thought you said that the rehab center took all your money."

Brian smiled. "I lied. It's easier to get Curt to pay my bills when he thinks I have no money."

The bouncer hadn't bothered to card Xander and neither had the waitress, so he had a large schooner of beer in front of him. His wasn't at all comfortable with the setting, but he couldn't very well tell Brian that he'd rather eat at Denny's.

As Xander took a gulp of his beer, Brian coughed loudly as a girl walked out onto the catwalk. "Damn, Xand, look at her."

Xander's eyes drifted over and he saw a girl who looked a little like Cordelia dancing to loud, bass driven music. She was very pretty and had dark raven colored hair and bright hazel eyes. She looked to be not too much older than Xander. "She's pretty," he mumbled.

"Pretty? She's fucking gorgeous, Xander."

Xander nodded in agreement then went back to eating his meal. By the time the girl on stage was finished, Brian had finished his food. He stood up, crushed his cigarette and flashed a grin at Xander. "Be back in a sec."

Xander nodded and took the last gulp of his beer and waited, wondering when they could leave. Nearly ten minutes later, Brian returned, being followed by the girl who had just finished stripping on stage and another girl. "Xand, this is Mandy," Brian said, pointing to the stripper who had put on her bra and g-string again. "And this is her friend Natalie."

Smiling politely, Xander said hello to the two females. Mandy moved around the table to sit next to Xander as Natalie took a chair that Brian held out for her. Uncomfortable with the situation, Xander just stared at his hands in his lap. He felt a hand sweep down his arm. "You look nervous," Mandy said in a breathy voice.

Xander's eyes slid over to Brian and saw that he was busy talking to Natalie in a hushed tone. Training his eyes on the girl next to him, he said, "I'm not nervous."

"You ever have a lap dance before?" Mandy smiled as Xander began to rub his hands up and down on his thighs, trying to dry his sweaty palms. Standing up, she pivoted, lifting one leg so that she now straddled him. Gently, her hands closed around his wrists. Pulling his hands up, she placed them at her waist then sat down on his lap. "Now normally, you're not allowed to touch, but I like you and your brother pays well."

Once again, Xander's eyes moved to Brian. This time his brother flashed him a smile then stood, taking Natalie's hand. "We'll be right, Xander. Have fun."

Before he could say or do anything, Mandy turned his head towards hers. "They'll be back," she said with a smile as she pressed his face to her chest and rocked her hips on his. The next thing Xander knew, Mandy had her little bra off and was rubbing her nipple over his lips. Natural instinct took over and Xander pulled the nipple into his mouth, worrying it with his lips. The stripper moaned and pressed down into his lap. Xander's cock, already semi hard, bolted up, straining against his jeans.

"Come with me," Mandy moaned sensually. Moving back, she moved off of Xander, taking his hand and pulling him to his feet. Xander, his head spinning, let himself be led by her to a small backstage area. She sat him down on a folding chair and before he had time to think or to question anything, she had already unfastened his jeans and was freeing his erect cock.

He barely had time to moan before her mouth was on him, her wet lips slipping up and down his shaft. Pressing himself back into the chair, Xander threw his head back, the overwhelming sensations flooding him. Sweat began to bead on his forehead as she took his entire length into her mouth. His hips thrust up of their own volition as his hands gripped the sides of the seat, his knuckles turning white.

With a few grunts, Xander came, his eyes closing. The stripper swallowed her mouthful of cum then tucked him back into his pants. Mandy stood up, only to sit back down on his lap.

His eyes opened and his head rolled to the side. He squinted. Through an open door, he could his brother, Brian, sitting on a couch, bent at the waist as he held a small, thin tube to his nose. Xander watched as Brian snorted a line of coke.

Pushing Mandy off his lap, he stood up and made his way to the doorway. "Bri?" he called with a calm voice. "Bri, you almost finished?"

Brian looked up, sniffed twice and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "Yeah," he said in a weak voice. He didn't look the least bit embarrassed that Xander had caught him. He stood up, leaned down and gave Natalie a long, drawn out kiss. "I'll see you soon." Natalie smiled then waved lazily at Xander.

Turning, Xander made sure that his brother could walk before moving out of the backstage area. Mandy was already gone, so Xander just led Brian to the cashier's station. After paying, they stepped outside, Xander with a frown and Brian with languid smile.

"You didn't have to pay her to give me a blowjob just so you could sneak off and get high."

Xander watched as an amused look crossed his brother's face. "She gave you head? I only paid her for a lap dance. Way to go, Xander," he said proudly.

"I'm glad I can impress you, Bri."

"Aww, don't get pissy with me. I just thought you needed some fun, so I asked her to show you a good time. I swear I thought she was going to stick her tits in your face."

"Whatever," Xander said. He wasn't really mad. He could never really be mad at Brian, but he didn't feel right. He felt dirty and sick.

"Hey, Popeye, can I crash at your place? If I go back to Mom's like this, Curt'll know that I got tweaked and then I'll have to listen to his shit all night and all day tomorrow."

"Yeah, you can stay with me."

*****
Part 10:

Xander opened the door, pulling the keys from the lock then waiting for Brian to stumble in. Brian had explained to him that it felt weird since he hadn't used in a while. He felt uncoordinated and dizzy, so naturally he kept bumping into things. After his brother had made it in, Xander closed and locked the door.

The apartment was dark which meant that Oz was still out. Flicking on a small lamp, Xander turned back to his brother. "Bri, I'm going to bed. Is the couch cool?"

"Dude, I'm still too tweaked to sleep." Wiping his nose in a nervous fashion with his index finger, Brian looked to Xander and asked. "You don't have any weed or downers, do you?"

"Yeah, Brian, I'm a fucking dealer," Xander said harshly, his brow furrowed.

"Fuck, Xander, I was just asking."

He looked down, his eyes filling with tears. "Sorry," he whispered.

Brian moved closer to Xander and reached out, the fingers of one hand brushing his brother's forearm. "It's okay, Xander. I know you're disappointed. You weren't supposed to see me doing it."

"Does that make it better?"

Moving to the couch and throwing himself down on it, Brian looked up at Xander. "Don't start. You're not Curt, quit trying to be like him."

"I'm not," Xander said breathlessly as he sank down into the armchair.

"The fuck you aren't. Your disappointed expression, the reprimanding voice. Hell, Xander, just grow another inch, age a few years and you're him. Oh, don't forget the stick up the ass too. Wouldn't be Curt without it."

"He's just trying to take care of you, Bri. He's just trying to take care of us like he always does."

"Now you're defending him?" Brian shook his head and mumbled, "God, you're a headcase."

"What?" Xander asked, not quite catching it. "I'm not defending him. Okay, I am, but I defend you too, Bri." He sighed. "He's the one kept us alive, you know that. He's the one who took me to the emergency room when Dad threw the full coffee pot at me."

"Yeah, he's also the one who lied to the doctors and said that you had been messing around and had knocked it off of the table when he was babysitting. He covered for Dad."

"What else could he do? You covered for Dad. I covered for Dad. Mom still covers for Dad."

"Whatever." Brian got up off the couch then moved to the TV. "The new Bond game? Want to play?" Xander shook his head. "I haven't played it yet, is it good?"

"Yeah, it's good. I just got it today, so I haven't played it much."

"Well, play now." Xander shook his head again. "Come on, Xand." When he saw his brother shake his head again, Brian shook his head too. "Fine. Be a dick."

"Why are you being mean?" Xander asked in a teary whisper.

Looking down, Brian fiddled with the game controller. "Because I'm becoming Dad."

Xander shook his head firmly. "You weren't like this before you got high." Brian nodded. "I don't want you to be mean to me. You're the only_ Curt feels like he can't be close. I don't want to be close to Mom, so you're the only one that_"

Standing up, Brian moved to the chair, sitting on the leg and sneaking a hand around Xander's hunched shoulders. Pulling him closer, he ruffled his younger brother's hair. "I'm sorry. I'm a dick. I shouldn't treat you like that. No one should."

Xander pulled away and stood up. Nodding to Brain, he let him know that every thing was cool between them. "I don't know when Oz's going to get home, but he might have some pot. If Devon's with him, he definitely have pot. If not or until then, I think we have some hard liquor in the kitchen if that'll help."

"Where are you going?"

Shrugging, Xander replied, "I'm tired. I'm going to take a shower then go to bed. I have class tomorrow. I haven't read shit for the class, but I might still go. You going to be okay on the couch?"

Brian smiled when he nodded. "Yep. I'm going to play your new game, is that cool?"

"Sure."

**

Xander stepped into the shower and immediately closed his eyes, ducking his head under the steaming hot water. He felt horrible. The words dirty, empty and ashamed kept creeping up in his head. He had let that stripper make him come. And she had gotten paid for it. He was theoretically with Oz. In a relationship or something with him and he had let some girl just_

Disgusted with himself, he grasped his cock roughly then scrubbed it hard, making himself hiss as he tried to rid of the dried semen and of the invisible residue clinging to him from the stripper's mouth. He scrubbed his penis with the rough washcloth until it was red, throbbing and very painful.

Not bothering to wash his hair, he turned of the water and stepped out of the shower, dripping with water. Physically he was clean, but he still felt very dirty. He quickly dried himself off before wrapping the towel loosely around his waist. He moved from the bathroom to his room, turning on the light, closing the door behind him and dropping the towel.

Bending down, Xander picked up a pair of relatively clean boxers and slipped them on as he moved to his closet. He wasted no time dropping to his knees and searching the floor with his hands. Pulling out the wadded up towel, he moved to his bed. Throwing the covers down a little, he sat down, unrolling the towel and lining up the implements as he had the time before; as he always did.

In his mind, he was debating. Which one should he use tonight? How bad did he feel? Bad enough to break the skin? Empty enough to bleed? What was he in the mood for?

Without really deciding, Xander's hand moved to the razors, his fingers picking out one of the newer ones. It was clean. He had always been very conscious when it came to not getting infections. Running his index finger down the length of the scar on his stomach, Xander held the razor between his middle and ring fingers and let it skim across his skin, not slicing yet. He just wanted to let the area around the old scar become sensitized before he actually did anything. It was the same every time he cut there. He always did it the same way.

He closed his eyes in as he prepared himself to do what he was about to do. He had just pressed the razor to the slightly raised skin of the scar when there was a knock on his door. Quickly, he pulled up the covers to hide the towel and implements. He just barely had time to slip the razor partially under the covers as the door opened.

"Xander?" Oz called as he peeked his head in. His eyes fixed on Xander's and he smiled, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. "How was dinner? Brian's out there bouncing off the walls," he said as he moved towards Xander.

"Yeah, he did a bunch of coke tonight."

Oz's brow furrowed as he sat down on the bed. "What?"

"He's high. I don't know how much he did, but I saw him do at least one line."

"Did you try to stop him?"

Xander's face hardened; his brow creased as his lips pursed. "You can't stop someone if you don't know what they're going to do. And I learned a long time ago that people are going to do whatever it is that they want or need to do, regardless of what I do to try to stop them."

Oz gave him a half smile. "I wasn't accusing you."

"Oh," he said quietly.

Oz scooted forward a little, his hand moving up to brush against Xander's cheek. Swiftly, Xander turned away, avoiding Oz's hand. Again, Oz tried to touch him, this time bringing his hand to Xander's arm, but again, Xander avoided his touch. "What's wrong?" Xander shook his head, his eyes carefully avoiding Oz's. "Xander?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Why don't I believe you?" Xander shrugged in response to Oz's question. "Xand?" Oz moved closer, his arm still outstretched.

"Stop it, Oz," Xander said quietly as he slid away.

"Why won't you let me touch you?" Oz moved even closer and his brow furrowed as he felt something beneath him, beneath the covers. He moved back, then pulled back the covers, noticing how Xander retreated even farther on the bed. Oz's breath caught when his eyes fixed on the bloodied towel and the mostly metal instruments lying on top of it. "Th-this is why? Xander, you were going to cut yourself." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.

Oz looked up and saw that Xander's gaze was fixed on a wall and his arms were wrapped around his drawn up legs. "Look at me, Xander." Xander didn't move and Oz hurried next to him. "Look at me," he said again, this time using his hands to force Xander's face towards him. "You were going to cut yourself?"

"Go away, Oz. I don't need this shit from you."

Oz nodded. "No, you don't." Backing up, he picked up the lone razor blade and held it out to Xander. "Here," he said, waving the blade a little to get the other boy's attention. "Take it."

Xander looked up again. "What?"

"Take it," Oz enunciated slowly. "If you're going to cut yourself there isn't anything I can do to stop you." As Xander's eyes narrowed in suspicion, Oz continued. "But you're going to have to do it in front of me. I'm not leaving."

"Oz," Xander whispered as tears sprang up in his eyes.

"Nope," the older boy said. "I'm staying, deal with it." He waved the razor again. "Here. Take it."

A fierce battle waged in Xander's mind. He needed to cut himself, but he wasn't sure he could do it in front of Oz. He wasn't sure it could cut himself while someone he cared for, someone whose opinion of him mattered, watched with horror. But Xander still felt dirty; he still felt empty.

At the moment he couldn't let Oz touch him and he desperately wanted Oz to be able to touch him sometime in the future.

With a trembling hand, he took the razor out of Oz's hand and noticed the expression of the other boy's face. Shock, disbelief, horror and sadness. Shifting to sit cross-legged, Xander looked away from Oz. He looked at his stomach and the large scar that blemished it.

He could hear Oz's breathing quicken as he brought the blade to his stomach. Sealing himself off to everything else, Xander made a small cut. It was to be the first of many that night. The following would only be bigger and deeper. Xander lost himself in his actions. He no longer cared that Oz was watching. He no longer cared if Oz was disgusted by him. All he could think about was the cutting.

*****
Part 11:

After six cuts, each one going deeper and longer, tears spilled from Oz's eyes. Pulling on the towel, forcing the other implements to slide off onto the bed, Oz choked out, "Stop it, baby." As soon as Xander looked up, Oz quickly pressed the towel to Xander's wounded stomach.

One hand took the bloody blade from Xander's fingers and threw it onto the nightstand as the other held the towel, growing redder by the second, to Xander's self-inflicted wounds. "God, Xander. Why do you do this?"

Xander opened his mouth to answer but found out that he could not. He gave up on even trying when Oz kissed him. "Baby, you do this anymore. I can't let you," Oz said in a voice filled with raw emotion when he pulled back.

Xander's brow furrowed. Oz had called him baby twice. What did that mean? He couldn't remember a time when someone had given him a term of endearment like that. Brian called him Popeye, but that was more of a second name then a term of endearment in Xander's eyes. 'Baby." That word was new and scary. Finally, he looked down at Oz's hand, still holding the towel to his stomach and he pushed it away. More so, he pushed Oz away and stood up. He walked slowly, his head a little dizzy.

Looking in the full-length mirror attached to the inside of his closet door, Xander studied his cuts. All lined up in a row, they looked from a distance to be just one big cut. His finger ran over the length of the longest one and he shuddered. He had done it again. He had cut himself again and worse yet, Oz had watched him. Xander had let Oz see him do this_intimate thing.

In the mirror, he watched his fingers slide through the sticky, slick blood that was still seeping from him. His eyes shifted and he saw Oz, still sitting on the bed, watching him in the mirror. Oz's eyes were focused on the reflection of his stomach.

His fingers hooking into the blood soaked waistband of his boxers, Xander pulled them down and stepped out of them. He shouldn't have even put them on, but he hadn't planned on cutting himself that deeply or so many times. Taking the ruined boxers in his hand, he held the fabric to his stomach, gently wiping away the blood. Dropping to his knees carefully, Xander dug into the clothes at the bottom of his closet, searching for his bottle hydrogen peroxide.

When he finally found it, he unscrewed the cap and lay back on the floor, tipping the bottle over his stomach. Xander hissed as the liquid hit his wounds and burned as it bubbled. His abdominal muscles clenched and he fought the urge to sit up right and clutch his stomach.

"Baby," Oz nearly sobbed this time as he launched himself off the bed and onto the floor. He was kneeling next to Xander in no time. One hand went to brush Xander's cheek as the other hand took the boxers and held it to Xander's stomach.

As if touched by fire, Xander shot up, giving a groan as his sudden movement made the flesh of his stomach ripple and Oz's hand press closer. Ignoring the pain of it, Xander moved away, scooting backwards until his back hit a wall. His legs drew up and his arms wrapped around them even though that position nearly caused Xander to pass out. "You can't touch me, Oz," he informed the other boy through pain clenched teeth. "Not like this. You can't."

"Baby, please," Oz said quietly, his hands held out in front of him in supplication as he moved forward on his knees.

Xander looked up. "Why are you calling me that?"

Oz just shook his head and continued to move forward. When he was a foot away from Xander, who was trembling, Oz replied, "I won't call you that if you don't want me to."

"You don't understand anything," Xander mumbled as he rested his forehead on his knees.

"You're right, I don't and I'm not sure that I ever can. I don't know why you feel like you have to hurt yourself. I don't know why you push razors into your skin then drag it down until you bleed. I don't understand it. All I know is that was about the worst thing I've ever seen and I don't want you to do it anymore."

"I'm sorry," Xander whispered as hot tears splashed down onto his thighs.

Reaching out, Oz stroked his hair, "No, don't apologize to me. Say you won't do it anymore."

Xander shook his head. "I can't." When Oz stood up, panic flooded Xander. He looked up, his fear evident in his wild eyes. "Where're you going?"

Oz smiled down at him. It wasn't a real smile; it was a smile of sorrow and pain. "I'm going to get bandages and stuff so that I can take care of you."

"Oh."

"I'll be right back. I promise."

**

Oz returned to find Xander lying on his bed, his legs crossed at the ankles as he stared up at the ceiling. All of Xander's 'tools' had been moved to the nightstand. "What's Brian doing? Did you check on him?"

"Yeah. He's sleeping. All my tequila's gone, but he's sleeping," Oz responded as he shut the door and moved to the bed.

"I'll buy you another bottle, Oz."

"It's okay. How are you?"

"Fucked up."

"Baby_"

Xander turned his head and looked at Oz. "Why are you calling me that?"

Oz sat down on the edge of the bed. "Do you not want me to?"

"I just want to know why you're calling me that. You see me cut myself then all the sudden you call me 'baby', why?"

Shrugging, Oz turned so that he was all the way on the bed, sitting next to Xander's torso. "I don't know. I just call people that when_"

"You called Willow that." Xander eyed the wet washcloth in Oz's hand and nodded to it. "Is that going to hurt?"

"Probably, but no worse than_ Yeah, I just put some more peroxide on it. I don't want you to get an infection." Trying to be careful, Oz ran the washcloth along his cuts, wincing in sympathy when Xander hissed.

"Do you hate me now?" Xander asked quietly, his eyes closed.

"What?" Oz cupped Xander's cheek with his free hand, his thumb brushing right below his fluttering eyelashes. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

"But you do."

"I don't. I'm just_ I've never seen anything like that. I've never known anyone like you and I'm struggling to understand. I want to be here for you and I want to help you but I'm not sure how I can do either. I thought that staying in here while you_but it didn't work, you did it anyway and all it did was_ I'm sorry."

Oz set the red tinged washcloth to the side and opened a tube of thick, clear ointment. "Now I know why you have all this stuff. Squeezing a generous amount onto two of his fingers, Oz lightly trailed them over the cuts, coating the inflamed, open wounds with the cool ointment. Xander took in a sharp breath. "That hurt?"

Xander shook his head. He waited until Oz was placing the gauze bandage over his cuts and then cutting pieces of the white sports tape to hold it, to open his eyes. "I let some stripper named Mandy suck me off, Oz. Brian paid her so that she would distract me while he snorted coke."

Oz's eyes locked with Xander's. "Xander_"

He turned away. "Now you don't call me 'baby'."

Oz gave a sad chuckled that resembled more of a sad sigh as he finished taping up Xander's bandage. "Baby, I didn't call you 'baby' then not because I was making a comment or a statement about what you just said." Oz cupped Xander's face again, turning it back towards him. "I wasn't making a judgement, I just used your name. I thought you'd want me to."

"Are you mad?" Xander asked, his eyes sliding away.

Setting all of the supplies on the nightstand, Oz slid down until he was lying next to Xander. He placed a kiss on the younger boy's shoulder. "Not mad. It's okay, Xander."

"No, it's not okay."

Moving his arm so that it rested lightly on Xander's chest, Oz nodded and placed another kiss on his shoulder. "How'd it make you feel?"

"Bad," Xander answered in a small voice. His eyes closed again as he continued. "Dirty and empty and wrong. It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let her do it and I_"

"Don't beat yourself up over it." Oz stopped and thought for a moment. "And I swear there was no pun intended there."

Ignoring the Oz's addition, Xander said, "I feel like I did something against you. Like I betrayed you."

"You didn't. I don't feel betrayed, Xander. Something happened and we'll deal. It's not like we had anything set in stone. I'm not angry about it. And don't take that as I don't care, because I do and I don't think sex with random people is okay, but I'm not going to get all huffy and puffy about it."

"Have you ever gotten all huffy and puffy about anything in your life, Oz?" Xander asked, cracking a small smile.

"Yes. You didn't see me when my mom was dating that asshole Derrick. He used to yell at her all the time. And he'd take her money and go out gambling and make her bring him beers when he had two perfectly good legs. I used to get all huffy and puffy then. I'd get so angry with her for letting him do all that shit and I'd yell at him for doing it. None of it mattered much. In the end Mom found him sleeping with his sister in law so she kicked him out."

"When was this?"

Oz shrugged. "I guess I was thirteen."

"Your mom's a lesbian though, right?"

Oz smiled, letting his fingers dance over Xander's nipples as he placed one more kiss on that lovely, lightly freckled shoulder. "Now she is."

"What's that like?"

"Having a lesbian mother?" Xander nodded then carefully rolled onto his side, facing Oz. "It's nice, I mean, it's sort of freeing not to have all those stupid gender roles stuffed down my throat. All she did was smile when I told her that I thought I was bisexual."

"When was that?"

"When I was sixteen. I had just met Devon and you know him, he radiates sexuality and I couldn't help but pick up on that vibe."

Letting his arm wrap around Oz's waist, Xander asked, "Did you and Devon ever_"

Oz smiled and cut him off. "No. Devon's straight. He's so straight it hurts."

Xander smiled in return. "He can't be that straight. Have you listened to him when he talks about lead singer of for Murderous Blessing? He's totally crushing on him."

"You think?" Xander nodded and Oz's smile widened. He leaned in closer and brushed his lips against Xander's then pulled back. "How are you?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to kiss you now." Xander smiled, then nodded his head. "I'm going to kiss you a lot."

"Okay. I'm going to kiss you back a lot."

Cupping Xander's face with both hands, Oz moved in for the kiss. He kissed gently at first, trying to portray his emotions with the touch of his lips against Xander's. After a while, the kiss deepened and quickened becoming more passionate as they both lost themselves in it.

*****
Part 12:

"Baby?" Xander rolled his head away from the voice, but it persisted. "Xander, you have class." Blindly Xander flung his hand out, hoping to hit the annoying alarm clock that sounded an awful lot like Oz. Xander's left eye opened when he heard a laugh. "It's going to take a lot more than that to shut me up. You've. Got. Class."

Xander's other eye opened and he finally focused on the person lying next to him. The alarm clock didn't just sound like Oz. Oz was the alarm clock. "Time?"

"Nine-thirty-two in the morning."

"Class?"

"I don't know. Whichever class you usually have. Statistics?"

"Not going," Xander mumbled as he closed his eyes again and rolled over. Pain lanced through his stomach and he nearly leapt off the bed. "Fuck!"

Sitting up, Oz looked at him concerned. "You okay?"

Xander pressed his hand against the gauze bandage. He could feel the heat of the wound and the sticky, wet blood that was now seeping through. "No," he said harshly, remembering what he had done the night before. Slowly, he sank down to the floor, not weeping or sobbing, just breathing harshly. His eyes closed as he stretched out.

"Xand? What are you doing?" When he got no response, Oz moved off the bed and knelt down by Xander. "Want me to change your bandage?" Xander shook his head. "Are you sure you're not going to class?" Xander nodded. Running his fingers over the other boy's chest, Oz asked, "You going to go back to sleep?"

Xander grabbed Oz's hand, stilling his tickling fingers. "I want you to kiss me. Like you did last night," he said quietly. His eyes remained closed, even as he felt Oz's warm lips gently brush over his own. After a moment, Oz's tongue traced over Xander's lips and he opened them, allowing the questing tongue to enter and explore. Slowly, Xander moved Oz's hand lower on his chest.

When his hand was moved to Xander's groin, Oz pulled back and looked down at Xander seriously. "Is that what you want?" Xander nodded. "Open your eyes, baby." It took a moment, but Xander finally opened his eyes, focusing them on Oz. "Is that what you want?" Oz asked again. When the other boy nodded, Oz's hand snaked into the open fly of Xander's boxers and gripped the hardening flesh.

Sliding down until he was lying next to Xander, Oz's leaned over and began to kiss him as he continued to stroke and manipulate Xander's sensitive flesh. A shiver ran through Xander as Oz's fingers lightly tickled the head of his cock. "Oz," he moaned into his lover's mouth. "Please."

Wrapping his hand around Xander's erection, Oz began to pull and tug at it, stroking him softly yet firmly. "Harder," Xander said as his head tilted back, exposing his neck to Oz's kisses. The older boy did as requested, stroking Xander not only harder, but faster as well. Xander's hips bucked up as his back arched up off the floor. Oz kissed him once more on the lips before sliding down and attaching his mouth to the head of Xander's cock. "Oh, god," Xander moaned, his hands moving to lace through the other boy's hair.

His hips created a rhythmic thrusting as Oz bobbed his head up and down, his lips sliding from the base to the tip then back again. Xander's hands tightened as his breathing quickened. Tilting his head back more, Xander opened his eyes as he felt his orgasm near. His thrusting stopped and his heart beat even faster as he saw Brian just standing in the doorway, his jaw hanging open. "Br-Brian?"

Xander's brother just shook his head and said, "I knocked. I said your name and knocked." As if the shock just wore off and the scene before him truly set in, Brian backed out of the room, hastily closing the door behind him.

"Brian," Xander called after him loudly.

It was loud enough for Oz to finally let the cock slip from between his lips and look up at Xander. "What?"

"Brian," Xander repeated, this time to Oz. He moved away then stood up as quickly as he could. His stomach burned with every movement. Tucking himself back into his boxers, Xander opened his door and went out to find Brian, hoping that he hadn't left.

Xander found his brother sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. When Xander crossed his line of sight and sat down next to him, Brian asked, "So when were you going to tell me you gay?"

Opening his mouth, Xander realized that he hadn't thought of any answers to any questions his brother might ask. There was no way around it. "I'm not_ Brian, it's not like_" He closed him mouth, knowing that nothing intelligent or good would come out of it at that moment.

"How long has_that been going on?"

"Couple days."

Brian nodded, not really knowing why he was nodding. "Dad?"

"What?" Xander asked, panic rising within him.

"You think I don't know?" Brian slowly rolled his head, looking over at his younger brother. "You think_"

"Shut up."

"Xand_"

"No, shut up."

"Look, Popeye, I'm not mad or anything. I want you to be happy, and if doing_that makes you happy, then do it. But you know what Curt's going to say." Xander just looked at him blankly. "Never mind, Xand."

With tears glistening his eyes, Xander asked, "What?"

"Dad," Brian said haltingly. He hesitated, but finally continued. "He made you like that, didn't he?"

The tears spilled over and ran down Xander's cheeks as he backed away from Brian. "Shut. Up. Brian."

Slowly, his brother nodded and swallowed as his eyes fixed on Xander's bandaged stomach. "You cut yourself last night?" Xander nodded, the tears still rolling. "You do that because what happened at the strip joint?" Xander continued to nod. Feeling like shit, knowing that he was at fault for what happened at the club and therefore the reason why his brother felt the need to cut himself, Brian stood up. "I'm sorry_ I didn't mean_ When did we get so fucked up, Xander?"

Moving for the door, Brian called over his shoulder, "I really am sorry about last night. I didn't think you'd_ I'm going go before Curt has a fit, alright? We'll do something later." When he got no response, he unlocked and opened the door. "Xander? I love you, okay?"

Xander watched his brother leave, emotions that he just couldn't define coursing through him. Curling up into the tightest ball he could, he closed his eyes, the tears still leaking. "Xander?" Oz called tentatively.

"Go away," he returned.

Oz moved towards the couch, noticing how Xander seemed to be curling himself tighter into a ball. "Xander, I'm sorry, I heard_"

Raising his head a little, Xander's eyes fixed on Oz's. "Go the fuck away, Oz."

Oz tried again. "Xander, you know_"

"Oz, please?" Xander begged.

Biting his lip, an action Oz gave up when he was sixteen, he conceded. Nodding a little, Oz turned around and headed for his room. He didn't know what else to do.

*****