By three in the afternoon, Xander had moved into his room. He had been just lying on his bed, staring at the razor blades and knives on his nightstand for hours.

Everything was happening so fast; he couldn't get his bearing and just when he thought he had, the rug was pulled from beneath his feet once more. First his dad was killed, then his older brother, the man he measured himself against, came back into town. Then he discovered or finally realized, rather, that he liked guys. He didn't just like a guy; he liked Oz. That in itself was confusing. Then after that his other brother came back, the brother Xander loved the most. But everything was off.

Curt was high and mighty; Brian was disappointingly still using narcotics; and Xander, well, he was just as he's always been. Fucked up, confused and struggling to keep his head above water.

A knock sounded on his door, but Xander made no move, no sound to answer it. Slowly the door crept open and Oz entered. Quickly, the older boy's eyes took Xander in then followed Xander's gaze to the nightstand and the instruments of punishment that rested on it. "Xand?"

When he didn't get an answer, Oz moved forward, not even hesitating about slipping into bed with Xander. His head blocking Xander's view of the bedside table, he hoped that Xander would respond. "Xander, talk okay? Please talk to me. You've been so quiet since all this started happening."

Still, Xander didn't answer, he only shifted his gaze from Oz's face to Oz's neck. Pressing closer, Oz slid his hand over Xander's hip and tugged him gently closer. "Baby," he said softly before attempting to kiss the younger boy tenderly.

Xander moved back, pulling out of Oz's arms and sitting up quickly. His legs came up, his thighs pressing against his chest and his arms wrapping around his shins tightly. Oz moved with him, sitting up and facing Xander. "Xander," he started quietly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that would scare you."

"I'm not scared," Xander protested in barely a whisper.

Oz nodded as his hand tentatively reached out and brushed over the knuckles of one of Xander's hands. "You know that being a werewolf has given me some enhanced abilities, right?" Xander didn't nod, nor did he respond verbally. Oz continued. "One of those abilities is really good hearing. It's so enhanced that I usually hear things that I don't try to hear."

"So, what I'm trying to say is that I've heard most of the conversations you've had with your brothers, at least the ones that have taken place in the apartment." Xander's eyes flicked up and caught Oz's. "I'm not going to make you talk about any of it, Xander. In part because I can pretty much guess, the blanks aren't that hard to fill in, some of it is blazingly obvious. But mainly, I'm not going to make you talk about your father because you're not ready to."

Xander's eyes lowered again and Oz's hands latched lightly onto his forearms. "But I'm going to be honest with you, Xander. Someday you are going to have to talk about it. If not with me or with your brothers, then with a therapist because what's happening isn't good, okay?"

"Why are you talking to me like I'm four years old?" Xander mumbled quietly.

"I don't mean to be talking to you like you're a child. That's not what I want and you know me well enough to know that I hate condescension. I'm talking to you slowly, deliberately, for myself, baby. I don't know how else to talk about this with you. Watching you hurt yourself last night was horrible and I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been here and stopped it. Would you have gone farther?"

"No," Xander whispered, just barely shaking his head.

"One day you're going to hurt yourself and it's not going to heal. One day, you'll cut yourself too deep and maybe no one will be around to help you." Dropping his eyes from Xander's face when he felt his emotions bubble up, Oz continued. "I don't ever want to come home and find you in here bleeding and hurt or dead, baby. And before you say that it won't happen, it will, eventually it will. You're killing yourself slowly, from the inside."

Moving closer, Oz's hands cupped Xander face, lifting it until Xander was looking at him. "I don't know exactly what happened with you and your father, but like I said, I can guess. You don't have to talk about it; you have the right to talk or not talk about anything, but there are people and places that can help you."

"Shut up now, Oz." Pulling away from Oz and wiping his eyes, Xander laid back down, taking Oz's hand and tugging him down as well. When he was safely in Oz's arms, Xander spoke again. "I wish I could be Curt."

"Why?"

"Because he never cries and he's never been weak. You know, Dad stopped hitting him a lot because it just didn't hurt Curt enough. It always hurt Curt more when Dad would hit Bri and me or my mom. I mean, that's how he hurt Curt. I feel bad for him because he wanted Dad to hit him so badly, you know? So that he wouldn't hit us."

"Your dad didn't hit Curt?"

"No, he did. He used to hit him a lot but when Curt reached a certain age, I guess all the fun was gone. Dad still hit him after that, but it was just like a slap here, a kick there, not the beatings that Brian and I got. But Dad would beat us in front of Curt. That was his punishment and then when Dad would get tired, Curt would pick us up and take us back to our room and clean us up."

Xander pressed against Oz burying his head in Oz's chest. "I remember, at one point he... It was like he closed himself off. He'd take care of us, but he wouldn't BE there, you know? Like he wouldn't look at the bruise or the cut. Brian would get mad at him because he thought Curt should be more comforting to me, but I don't think Curt could let himself. I think it hurt too much to see Bri and me all fucked up at the hands of our father when he wasn't."

"Were you upset when Brian and Curt left?"

Xander nodded. "They just left me there. They knew what went on in that house. They could have taken me, Oz. Dad wouldn't have looked for us. I would be a lot different if they had just taken me to New York with them. But they didn't."

The two just laid in silence until the doorbell rang. Oz got up and helped Xander up as well. Looking at the blood soaked bandage, Oz made a mental note to change it soon. While Xander got dressed, Oz answered the door, allowing Curt into the front room.

Xander's brother sat down, rubbing his forehead as if trying to soothe a headache. Asking if Curt wanted anything to drink, Oz moved to the kitchen when Curt asked for a beer. When he came back out, Xander was sitting on the other side of the couch from Curt, looking extremely nervous. Handing the older man the bottle of beer, Oz gave a final look of support to Xander before exiting the room.

"What's up, Curt?"

Taking a hefty swig from the bottle, Curt swallowed before bluntly asking, "Did Brian do some coke last night?"

Xander looked up in surprise. He had figured that Brian had told Curt about walking in on Oz giving him head. "I, I...well," he stumbled for an answer, torn between covering up for Brian and telling the truth.

"Xander, I'm not mad, I just need to know. I can't help him if I don't know what he's been doing."

What Curt said made sense and Xander wanted to help Brian. "Yes, he did."

"Do you know how much?" Curt asked, his voice calm and not at all accusing.

Shaking his head, Xander replied, "I saw him do one line but I don't know."

"He said he stayed over here last night, is that true?"

"Yeah," Xander said quietly, preparing himself for what he felt was inevitable. Curt was going to ask him about being gay.

"Good," the older brother sighed. "At least he wasn't out getting in more trouble." Quickly finishing off his beer, Curt stood up. "You want to go get something to eat, Xand?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Will you just take a walk with me then?"

**

Xander and Curt wandered around for an hour, walking here and there, neither really talking until they found themselves in Hansen Park. Sitting down on a bench, Curt looked over to Xander and smiled. "You've gotten so big."

Turning questioning eyes to his brother Xander said, "I'm not even six feet. Both you and Bri are well over six feet."

Shaking his head, Curt asked, "Why do you measure yourself against me and Brian?" Xander didn't answer, he only stared off at the deserted swing set. "Brian's a junkie, Xander. And I'm nothing better."

"What are you talking about?"

"You look up at me like I'm the perfect guy and you look up at Bri like he's the fucking Messiah. Xander, we're fucked up and I can name a hundred reasons why you shouldn't compare yourself to us."

"You guys are..."

"Did you know that I have a son, Xand? He's four and I've never seen him. I have a picture and that's it, because when I found out about him that's all I wanted. I never loved his mom. I could never love his mom." Curt sighed then smiled. "His name's Trenton and he's a cute little shit."

Xander hadn't known that. He hadn't even known that Curt had been seeing anyone. Curt never talked about that kind of stuff. "Why don't you want to be his dad?"

"I do want to be his dad, Xander," Curt sighed. "But I can't be. You know as well as I do that it wouldn't turn out good."

"You'd be a good dad," Xander said softly.

Ignoring his brother, Curt went on. "It's better this way. His dad, stepdad, whatever, is real nice. He's a good solid man. Tracy, that's Trent's mom, seems to like him a lot. He's a little more, uh, emotionally involved than I ever could be. But I send them money. They don't need it, but I still send it. Tracy's owns her own little restaurant, it's like a diner only classier. Her husband's a lawyer so they pull in a good amount of money. I send money mainly so that Trenton can go to college someday, if he wants to. They set up this little account for him and I just deposit money in it. They send me Christmas cards, it's nice."

Before Xander had a chance to respond, Curt asked him quickly, "Do you know I love you?" His voice was low and strained and it caused Xander's brow to crease. "Sometimes I think I'm too hard on you. I don't mean to be. I do love you, Xander. Sometimes I just can't... It's hard for me to do anything other than try to take care of you and sometimes I don't know how to take care of you. I'm not good with my emotions like Brian is. He can just express himself whenever he feels like it but I can't."

"I know you love me, Curt."

"Do you? Because I'm not sure if you know that anyone loves you." Taking a deep breath and turning away from Xander to look at the playground, Curt spoke in a voice that Xander had never heard before. "I'm sorry we left you, Xander. I'm sorry that we didn't take you with us. I'm sorry for what Dad did to you after we left."

Studying his brother closely, Xander asked, "Did Brian tell you about last night?"

Curt nodded, then looked to Xander. "It's okay, I'm not going to make judgements or say anything stupid. You are who you are and it's okay."

"Do you mean that?"

"No, I'm lying," Curt said as he smiled at Xander. "Of course I mean that. You're my favorite brother named Xander."

Despite himself, Xander laughed. "I'm your only brother named Xander."

"Yeah, but if I had another one named Xander, you'd still be my favorite."

Xander's smile widened momentarily before he sobered again. "Why do pretend that what Dad did to us doesn't matter?"

"Because it's easier than dealing with the fact that it DID happen. I think about it all the time, Xander. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I can't even sleep without dreaming about it. I've yet to go to bed without hearing you cry or Brian scream or Mom sob. It's all here," Curt said, tapping his index finger against his head.

"When are you and Bri going back to New York?"

"Couple of days, but I think I might move back. I don't really have friends there and someone has to watch out for Mom and I know you don't want to do it." Xander sighed and lowered his head as the familiar guilt washed over him. Noticing, Curt got Xander's attention by moving his leg to knock against Xander's. "Hey, I didn't say that to make you feel bad, you know."

Nodding, Xander noticed that it was nearing nightfall. "We should get indoors," he said, remembering that the town he lived in wasn't safe after dark."

*****
Part 14:

"Curt's okay with me and you."

Oz looked up from the computer and arched an eyebrow. "You told him?"

Xander shook his head. "We didn't really talk about it. Bri told him and then Curt just said it was fine with him. That I am whoever I am and that it's okay and then that was it. We didn't talk about it anymore," Xander finished with a smile.

Flipping off the monitor, Oz rose and moved towards Xander. "So, your brothers are okay with it?" Xander nodded. "And how are you with it?"

The smile faded as Xander looked at him in question. "What?"

"You've just had a lot of things going on and I want to make sure that the stuff that's happened with us is something more than just_"

"What? You think I want to take it back?"

"No," Oz said, shaking his head gently. "I just want to be sure that you and I are okay, you know? I want to make sure that we're going at the right speed for you and that I'm what you want."

"You're what I want," Xander confirmed.

"Am I?"

Raising his eyebrows, Xander asked, "Going back to short noncommittal phrases, Wolfboy?"

Smirking, Oz answered, "Maybe."

Xander reached out, brushing the tips of his fingers against the other boy's forehead. "Oz," he whispered.

Grabbing his hand, Oz gently tugged Xander out of the front room and down the hallway. Leading Xander into his room, Oz sat the younger boy down on his bed then moved back out into the hallway. When Oz came back, Xander sighed and stripped off his shirt. Lying back on the bed, Xander watched as Oz sat down next to him and began to redress the wound on his stomach.

"Xander," Oz said softly after he finished cleaning the cuts. "I don't know where you want us to go, with our relationship," Oz added as he taped the fresh gauze over the wound. "But_ I love you."

Oz watched as Xander closed his eyes and exhaled. "Don't say that."

"That scares you?"

"I'm not scared." Xander's eyes opened and he looked at his roommate challengingly.

"Yes you are." Oz slid down until he was lying next to Xander. "You're scared that someone else cares enough about you to want to help you. You're scared because you have no idea what love is. You've seen so many different people's versions of love, but you've never experienced pure, true love. I'm sure that thought your dad's love was his fists and that your mom's love was her needy silence. Curt loves you, but he can't connect with you, so it's a distant love. Brian loves you and comforts you but in the end you feel used because he can't help but use your love for him as a way to get something."

"You don't know all that," Xander said sharply before Oz could continue.

"Xander," Oz said a little sadly. "You don't have to be defensive, okay? I just told you that I loved you and I don't want to fight about it. I'm not asking you to say it back to me and I'm not asking you to understand why I love you or even that I DO love you. Just know and accept that I do."

Xander's mouth closed as his eyes shut once again. "What was your dad like, Oz?"

Running a light hand over Xander's chest, Oz replied, "From what I remember, he was quiet. But that probably had a lot to do with him being sick."

"What else do you remember?"

"He had big hands. They were strong, like him. I'm built more like my mom and her people. My dad was tall."

Moving slightly towards Oz, Xander asked, "Was he nice?"

"Yeah. I used to lay on his bed with him and watch The People's Court. He used to make all the right decisions. He told me that he loved me all the time and told me that I'd have to take care of my mom when he was gone. I didn't know then what he was talking about. No one thought to tell me that he was dying."

"What did he have?"

"Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease."

"What's that?"

Oz shrugged as he sighed. "A brain thing. It just deteriorated until one day he died."

Slowly, Xander opened his eyes and slowly turned towards Oz. "Do you miss him?"

"I guess. I was only eight when he died, Xand. I don't remember that much. It's hard to miss a man that you only have scattered memories of, although I do wish that he hadn't died so that I could know more about him."

"My mom got sick once. Really sick." Seeing Oz look at him like he was interested, Xander continued. "She was pregnant and she got really sick. I don't know what was wrong with her but she was in the hospital for almost a month and when she came out, she wasn't pregnant anymore."

"So you and your brothers were alone with your dad while she was in the hospital?"

"Yeah," Xander answered slowly and softly. "That was sort of when things got really bad. I mean he was mean when she was around but he just got meaner when she wasn't."

"Were you scared?"

This time, Xander didn't lie, he nodded his head. "Yeah. I thought she was going to die. Who knows what could have happened to Brian and Curt and me. But she got out of the hospital and came home and for some reason my dad stopped being so mean for a while."

"Baby? The next time you feel like hurting yourself, will you tell me?"

Xander shifted in surprise at the sudden shift of topic. "Why?"

"Because I want to know. I want to try and give you other stuff you can do besides cutting and pinching and hurting. I'll try holding you until you don't feel like doing it anymore. If that doesn't work, we'll go for a walk or a drive or go to a movie. And if all my plans don't work and you do end up cutting yourself, then I want to know, so I can check on you and make sure that you're okay and you're not cutting too deeply." Seeing Xander's narrowed eyes, Oz smiled a little and continued. "Look, I don't want you doing it, but I've read enough to know that you can't stop just because I want you to, so I accept it, but not unconditionally, okay?"

When Xander didn't respond, Oz kissed his cheek. "What did that feel like?" he asked.

Raising his eyes to Oz's Xander quirked his eyebrows in playful confusion. "Like a kiss on the cheek, Oz. What was it supposed to feel like?"

Cupping Xander's face in his hands, Oz turned it more towards him then leaned down and brushed soft lips against soft lips. "How about that? What'd that feel like?"

Pressing his lips together then running his tongue over them, Xander smiled gently. "Like warm pudding."

"That's good." Moving lower, Oz flicked his tongue out over one of Xander's nipples, then drew it into his mouth, sucking gently. After a moment, Oz's mouth moved away even as his fingers had begun to stroke the other nipple. "How about that?"

Xander took a shaky deep breath. "Like fire."

"Mmm, that's a good one. Fire, huh? What about this," Oz whispered right before his mouth descended onto Xander's. Tracing Xander's velvety lips with his tongue, Oz took a deep breath through his nose and pressed in harder, portraying his passion for Xander easily.

Xander's lips parted and Oz's tongue was granted entrance. Slowly and delicately, Oz's tongue explored every crevice of Xander's mouth. It felt every bump of flesh that lined his inner cheek; it felt every crack of every tooth; it felt the ridges of the palate. Xander's moan reverberated through Oz's tongue and tickled Oz's mouth. After what seemed like forever, Oz pulled back and smiled down at Xander. "What'd that feel like?"

Xander just shook his head, his eyes still closed. "It felt like_ You know those summer nights that just sort of linger? There's just enough breeze so that it's not uncomfortably hot and the stars are out and that's all you can see for miles? It felt like sitting outside, eating pudding on one of those nights."

"My kiss was all that?" Xander nodded. "Want another one?" Xander nodded again. Leaning down, Oz kissed him again, only this time he didn't stop to ask how it felt. Instead, he deepened the kiss as his hands moved lightly over Xander's body.

Oz was no longer the only one doing the exploring. While Xander surrendered his mouth to Oz's attack, Xander's hands moved all about Oz's body, pushing his shirt up, running though the older boy's red hair, daringly cupping Oz's firm ass and then finally cupping the front of Oz's pants.

Thrusting down in response, Oz couldn't help but moan into Xander's mouth. "Xander," Oz whispered as he pulled back. Xander's eyes opened. "How far do you want to go?"

Xander's only response was a shrug, right before he started to pull off Oz's shirt. The next few minutes was nothing but each of them trying to get the clothes off the other. Finally, they were both naked, panting and wanting. Reaching down between the bed and the wall, Oz found the condom and lotion from before. He brought them both up and laid them on the pillow next to Xander's head. Noticing that Xander just sort of looked at them, Oz asked, "Xander? Do you want me in you? We don't have to go that far."

Choosing once again to remain silent, Xander craned his neck, leaning up to kiss Oz again. His hands moved over Oz, pulling and tugging him until he was lying on top. The two thrust against each other, each of their cocks hardening further with each movement. Moving his mouth from Xander's, Oz sucked on his neck, his tongue darting out to flick against the pulse point.

Almost as if they were working by themselves, Xander's legs opened, allowing Oz to nestle between them then clamped around Oz's hips, trapping the other boy in. "You don't want to be on your stomach?" Oz mumbled against a nipple.

"No," Xander said quickly, his voice not leaving room for any debate. "This way."

Pulling back until he was on his knees, Xander's legs still around him, Oz nodded. "Okay. You want this right?" Xander's nod was all he needed to begin tearing open the foil package and rolling the condom down his cock. His eyes locked with Xander's as he grabbed the lotion and squirted a generous amount onto his hand. The condom was lubricated, so Oz concentrated on preparing Xander.

Moving Xander's legs one by one until they were thrown over his shoulders, Oz smeared the odorless lotion over Xander's tight entrance. When he slipped a finger in, Xander tensed, but then, searching Oz's eyes with his own, he relaxed as he realized that Oz wouldn't hurt him; that Oz would never hurt him.

As Oz continued to manipulate him with his fingers, Xander's eyes slipped closed and he whispered Oz's name. The fingers withdrew and as Xander's eyes began to open, he felt hot pressure pushing against his opening. His eyes stayed closed as he consciously tried to relax. Oz wouldn't hurt him, Oz wouldn't hurt him, Oz wouldn't hurt him. He kept thinking that until he heard his name.

His eyes opened and he looked up at Oz who was now over him, his entire erection hidden within Xander. "You okay, baby?" Xander nodded. Oz leaned down to kiss him gently, then pulled back saying, "Tell me to stop if you need me to." His voice was gentle, but there was an underlying urgency and need to it.

Oz began pumping, slowly at first but then picking up speed when he saw that Xander was enjoying himself. Oz's hand moved around Xander's thigh and grasped the other boy's erection firmly, then smiled when Xander's hand moved on top of his, covering his hand and helping him stroke.

Oz closed his eyes for a moment, just enjoying the feel, but when he opened his eyes again, the smile faded from his face. A quick glance showed him that the white gauze covering Xander's stomach was slowly turning crimson. "Xander," he said as he slowed his thrusting.

Xander bucked up, unwilling to let Oz stop the rhythm.

"Xander," Oz repeated. "You're bleeding, baby."

Xander's eyes darted to his stomach then back up to Oz. "It's okay, Oz. It doesn't hurt. Please, let's just_" His free hand pulled Oz down, which forced his stomach to scrunch up more, but Xander didn't notice. His lips found Oz's and after a moment of intense kissing, Xander whispered, "Please. I'm going to come soon, please don't stop."

Oz's fear of hurting Xander abated as he began to build up his pace again. He began to grunt as he neared his own orgasm. Tightening his fist on Xander's cock, Oz tugged sharply twice and that was all it took before Xander came, drenching both the hands on his cock and his stomach. He came silently, with only a whisper of a sigh marking the moment.

After another five minutes of thrusting, Oz felt the pressure within him snap and he tumbled over the edge where Xander had been waiting. After he had emptied himself into the condom, Oz pulled out quickly, grabbing the base of cock tightly, not allowing the condom to slip off or himself to go soft completely.

Standing up, Oz removed the condom, tied it off, then tossed it into the trashcan. He returned to Xander immediately, slipping into the bed then pulling up the covers around them both. Rolling onto his side, Oz propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand. He looked down at Xander, taking in everything.

Xander's eyes were closed, his lashes brushing his the tops of his cheeks. He was breathing through his mouth and his hands were lightly clasped over his chest. "Baby?" Xander's eyes fluttered open and one hand moved up to touch Oz's face. "You okay?"

Smiling, Xander nodded. "I'm good. You?"

"Good."

"That was_good, Oz." Stretching, Xander moved up to kiss Oz. When he laid back down, his eyes closing, Xander whispered, "Tired now."

"Me too." Sliding down, Oz curled up next to Xander, his body shifting and shaping to fit Xander, as if Oz was shielding the bigger guy from everything bad in the world with only his body. "I love you."

Xander smiled and mumbled, "Sleep."

Placing a small but loving kiss on Xander's forehead, Oz whispered to Xander, to himself, and to no one at all, "I think we're going to be okay."

~end~