Riley leaned against a chain-link fence on one side of an alley off the Sunset Strip, his eyes turned heavenward. He regarded the stars with no prayer in his heart or on his lips. He dropped the makeshift stake he was clutching and started to walk to his car, but he really didn't want to go back to the hotel just yet. He was still too awake.

+++

After he'd left Spike's crypt two nights earlier, Riley's head had been in turmoil. He didn't understand what had happened... no, he knew what had happened, but he didn't understand why. Why he had not only let it happen but invited it - and why he had liked it so much. He knew his body was just responding to a stimulus, but why had it had been so much more powerful than it had ever been? Was it because Spike was older, stronger than any of the vampires Riley had been with? Or did it have to do with Spike's suggestion that he play Buffy to Spike's Angel? What would that even mean, if it were true? He didn't know anything anymore, except that he had to get out of Sunnydale. He didn't want to see Spike, couldn't face Buffy - and really, without Buffy, there was nothing for him there.

So he'd gotten in his car and left. Hadn't gone home to pack, hadn't called anyone or left a note or anything. Just drove out of Sunnydale. He hadn't thought about where he was going, until he started seeing the mileage signs to Los Angeles. It was a big city, he could get lost there for a couple of days. Yeah, just go to L.A. Not make any plans, just see what happened. Hole up in a hotel room, lock himself in if he had to so he could sort out his head while his body got over this sick addiction. Stay away from the nightlife and demon hangouts, no matter what. No point risking running into Angel. And if Buffy was looking for him, those would be the first places she'd check. If she wasn't looking for him, well, Riley didn't want to know if she wasn't looking.

But his first night in L.A., Riley had discovered the flaw in his plan: if he tried to sort out his head, that meant he had to think about exactly the things he wanted to forget. It had been a rough few months and he decided that what he really needed was a vacation. He should go out and have fun. Hear some local music or something. Get distracted. Get a little worn out, so he could sleep at night. He just wouldn't go any place dangerous. He would avoid the places vampires, whether he knew them or not, were likely to be.

The next night, he had discovered yet another flaw in his plan: he obviously didn't know where vampires hung out in L.A. Because at the first club he went to, he spotted two of them at the edge of the dance floor. A blonde with curly hair and a brunette. He went to the bar and ordered a beer, keeping his eye on the girls from across the room. That way he wouldn't accidentally rub up against them, give them any ideas about him. He didn't want to get caught staring, of course, so he kept glancing around the club casually.

And that's when he had seen the broad shoulders and dark hair and black duster - Angel! His heart began beating erratiiically. He shrank back against the wall, eyes glued to the figure ten feet away, thankful that his back was to Riley. Then the man turned towards the stage, and Riley saw it was not Angel's face. Not even close.

His heart still thumping madly, he had pushed his way through the crowd to the two girls he'd had his eye on. Part of him despised himself for going at all, while the other part just wished he'd done it sooner.

"Hey," he greeted them. He pushed the sleeve on his left arm up, revealing the track marks of bites. "You interested?" The girls looked at each other and giggled.

"You got somewhere to go?" the brunette asked.

Fifteen minutes later, they were in his hotel room, all three on his bed. "One at a time," he had told them. The girls exchanged glances, shrugged, and then Curly-Hair accepted the arm he held out. His body had responded at once to the familiar, almost comforting sensation. But his mind wasn't on it. First he was worried that Angel had seen him and would follow, was on his way to Riley's room right now. He felt a surge in his loins as the girl really got to work on his veins. Then he remembered it hadn't been Angel at the club.

"Harder," he demanded. The girl at his arm was lost in the scent and taste of human blood, the warmth flowing through her, and didn't seem to notice his command. "Harder!" he repeated, pressing on the back of her head. When he didn't get the reaction he wanted, Riley pulled her off of him sharply. Both demongirls looked at him, startled and still hungry. "It's okay," he said, calming himself. "Here," he put one arm around the curly-blonde and pulled her in again, while his other arm reached for the brunette. He lay between them, letting them feed, but even though the brunette shifted so she could rub against his erection, he couldn't come. He knew he hadn't before Spike, but he thought maybe Spike had changed things-. Abruptly, he sat up and pulled away from both of them. "That's enough for now," he told them, climbing off the bed. "Listen, the night's still young. Why don't we go out for awhile? We can always come back here later for more." He smiled reassuringly, and reluctantly the girls agreed.

While they were in the bathroom, fixing their human faces, Riley was filled with a self-loathing. This was not what the Initiative had trained him for, and even if a lot of their ideas had been wrong, protecting humans from evil was not. He looked around the room but didn't see anything that would work. In the closet, all he found was a wooden hanger. He held one end on the ground with his foot while pulling the other end up until it split off with a loud crack.

"What was that?" one of the vampires called from the bathroom.

"I just knocked a chair over!" he called back, cringing at the terrible lie. He heard giggling from the bathroom as he slipped the make-shift stake up his jacket sleeve.

As they were walking through an alley from the parking lot to the main drag, one of the vamps asked where he wanted to go.

"This'll do," Riley replied, whipping out the stake. They looked at him blankly before he made a lunge at them. But when they fled, he didn't pursue. Instead he leaned against the fence and looked up at the stars, making his mind blank. Then he walked away, in search of a newer, better distraction.

+++

He walked around all night, exhausting himself to the point that he could sleep for a couple of hours when he returned to his hotel room. When he awoke mid-morning, he asked the concierge for a recommendation to a gym with reasonable rates and spent several hours working out. Jonesing as he was for the bloodrush, Riley was determined to work it out of his system with exhaustive exercise and will power.

That night, of course, he was back at another club on the Strip. After casing the place, the only vampire he could identify was a boy who looked about his own age at the bar, brown hair slicked back, Joy Division logo emblazoned across the back of his t-shirt. Riley went over and leaned on the bar near him. When the vampire turned his way, Riley caught his eyeand rubbed the back of his own neck, letting his hand trail to the side as it fell away so the bite marks from Spike were visible. The vampire watched him casually, then looked away and left with his drink. At that moment, Riley's own drink arrived and he had to pay for it, causing him to lose the vampire in the crowd. Sighing, he downed the drink then headed to the men's room.

He didn't know what he expected to find, but it was empty. Riley shook his head at himself in the mirror, and bent to wash his hands. Then the door creaked open and he turned to see the vamp leaning against it. They regarded each other silently. The vampire approached him and touched the marks on Riley's neck, letting his fingers rest there.

"You spotted me pretty quick." He caressed the marks. "You looking for me?" Riley nodded. "You looking for more?" Riley didn't say anything, just inclined slightly into the touch. "You're not a demon hunter, are you?" the vampire teased. Riley blushed a little but didn't answer. The vampire's soft demeanor changed, eyes narrowed as he stepped back and looked at Riley hard, sizing him up. Body tensed, prepared for fight or flight. "You're a demon hunter?"

Riley shook his head. "Not anymore."

It must have had the ring of truth for the vampire smiled and stepped in, caressing the mark again. "Met your match, huh?" Riley moved away and pointed at a stall.

"You want to do it here?"

"I know a place we can go."

As they drove off, the vampire introduced himself: "You can call me Jamie. What's your name?"

"Riley," he answered automatically. The vampire gave him a smile and an amused look.

"That's your real name, isn't it?" As reply, Riley turned his head and looked out the window.

A short time later, Jamie pulled into the driveway of a small house in the Hollywood foothills. Another vampire was sprawled in the living room, watching MTV and looking sated. He nodded to Jamie, who led Riley past without a word. As they entered a bedroom, Jamie pulled the door shut behind them and locked it. "I want you all to myself," he explained with a smile, then crossed the room to face Riley in front of the bed. He started to push him back onto the bed. Riley resisted, but with the edge of the bed pushing against his calves he found himself sitting, looking up at the vampire.

"Just the arm," Riley said, holding it out. The vampire knelt and pushed his legs apart. Heart thumping with anxiety, Riley grabbed the vampire's hair and pulled his head back. "Just the arm, I said!"

Kneeling between Riley's legs, the vampire said "OK." He took the arm, ran his fingers up and down it, pausing at each scar. Holding Riley's hand palm up, he drew his thumbnail across the inner wrist, slicing it open. He smiled as Riley hissed in pain but didn't flinch. Riley closed his eyes as the demon face took over and the vampire bent his head, lapping at the blood oozing from the wound. Riley began to writhe impatiently in the eternity it took before the teeth sank into him -

Relief and pleasure washed over Riley, his entire body humming and attuned to the thrill radiating from his wrist. Not wanting another unfulfilling experience like the previous night, Riley began to fantasize about Buffy. His erection grew as he imagined her on her knees before him, but he couldn't reconcile his fantasy with the sensation emanating from his wrist; the sucking there was so insistent it demanded recognition, but he couldn't imagine Buffy as a vampire (nor did he want to sully her with such sordidness), so he cast about for something else. Of its own accord, his mind conjured up the image of Spike, the blond vampire kneeling before him - but that was no good either! In fact, it was worse! He didn't want to think about Spike as his body started to approach climax. Accommodatingly, the shoulders in his mind's eye broadened, the platinum hair turned dark brown...

The next thing he knew, he was on his feet in the middle of the room, the vampire holding him roughly by the neck, staring at him.

"You know Angelus?"

A cold wave swept through Riley, erasing all the pleasure of moments earlier.

"What?" he gasped.

"Angelus. You were saying his name. You called him 'Angel.'"

Riley just stared back, feeling nauseous and starting to wheeze for air. The vampire released him to pull the shirt collar down, revealing the near-healed puncture marks. He pointed at them.

"Is that from him?"

"No," Riley said. His hand went up to hide the marks.

"Are you his?" the vampire persisted.

"No!" Riley insisted, shaking his head. The vampire shoved him hard against the wall.

"Don't fucking lie to me!" The vampire was growing more agitated. "How do you know Angelus?"

"Please," Riley whispered. He didn't know what to say.

The door crashed open, the lock broken as the other vampire rushed in, alerted by the shouting. "Everything okay here?" he asked.

"Get out!" Jamie shouted. The new vampire started to leave, but Jamie turned to him. "Not you! *Him*! He's a friend - or *something* - of Angelus." He turned his attention back to Riley and stepped aside, gesturing emphatically towards the doorway. "Go on, get the fuck out! You aren't welcome here!"

Riley didn't have to be told again. He knew he was probably lucky to be leaving with his life. Hand still covering the marks on his neck, he exited quickly.

+++

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

Riley rushed away from the house, feeling frightened and sick. He didn't really know where he was. He started shaking. Why would he have called Angel's name? This whole obsession with Buffy and Angel was growing out of control. Maybe he should just go to Angel's office at that hotel, just confront him. Get it all out of his system. Once he had a plan, he started to calm down. When he finally found his way back to his hotel, though, he just lay on his bed staring at the ceiling in the dark.

He had been up for nearly thirty-six hours when he went to Angel's hotel that evening. When he got there, he couldn't bring himself to go in. He waited for Angel to come out, though, and pressed himself into the shadows of the building across the street so as not to be noticed. Day after day, Riley went to the hotel to look at Angel. Beautiful and *good* in a way Riley couldn't be. That's what Buffy was attracted to. That's what she loved. It wasn't "The Vampire's Thrall." It was *this* vampire, this perfect being, with a perfect body and a perfect soul.

Riley knew he himself was not perfect. He could never make the sacrifices Angel made or save the souls Angel saved or find the redemption Angel had. As he accepted this, Riley also accepted his addiction as just another of his flaws. He couldn't stop himself, and he wasn't particular anymore about who it was with (though he still only let them do him in the arms). He gave up fantasizing - the suckjobs didn't even provide joy anymore; they were just a way to keep the emptiness inside him at bay.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

One night, instead of leaving after watching Angel emerge, Riley followed him. Angel just seemed to be wandering the streets aimlessly, like Riley himself. He took a measure of comfort in that and didn't know why. It was like a companionship he'd been craving without even knowing he was missing it. So for the next three days, he sat outside Angel's hotel and for the next three nights, whenever he could, he walked the streets of L.A. as Angel's near-distant shadow. Every time he followed Angel, he was afraid of being discovered... and yet he prayed for Angel to notice him.... Somehow it had all gone wrong: first he just wanted to understand Buffy, then he just wanted to get her out of his head, but now all he could think about was Angel.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

More than that, Riley was losing his own sense of self. One night while looking for Angel, he heard struggling and muffled shouts in an alley. He stopped walking, but didn't go in to check it out. Instead, he stood where he was until he became certain it was a woman in trouble of some sort. He waited for a moment, then walked away. Riley didn't know why he didn't try to help. He started to shake again and sat down on the sidewalk, head in hands. He wanted to cry, but though the ache was there, the tears just weren't. Something darker than despair had set in, and Riley couldn't figure the way out. He felt like he'd gone over the edge of a precipice. He knew he should try to scramble back up, but it was so much easier just to slide....

+++

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul

That night Riley went to yet another club on the Sunset Strip. He'd been there for an hour or so and was about to leave because it was getting so crowded, when his heart leapt at the sight of a vampire who could almost have been Angel. Riley knew it wasn't Angel, but this vampire was tall-dark-and-handsome, and dangerous, and so Riley waited for his chance. When the vampire went over to a corner, he made his move. He leaned against the wall next to the vampire, but before he could reveal the scar, the vampire stopped him, taking Riley's hand in his own as he leaned in and whispered, "I know who you are." Riley kept his eyes down, didn't move a muscle. "I know who you are," the vampire repeated, "I know what you want, and I can give it to you."

Riley turned his head slightly and whispered back, "What do I want?"

The vampire pulled down Riley's collar and touched his lips to the scar, opened his mouth and licked the punctures, pressed his teeth against them without breaking the skin. His breath grown shallow, Riley closed his eyes and shivered.

"You want to be one of us."

Suddenly it all seemed so simple. Riley swallowed and nodded.

But the vampire pulled away and regarded him calmly. "Say it, then. Ask for it. I want to hear the words." His lips curled in the faint echo of a smile.

Riley shivered again, recalling the last time someone had made such a demand of him. His stomach tightened, remembering that night with Spike. He took a deep breath to steady himself, then opened his eyes and looked the vampire in the eye, matching his surface calm.

"I want to be one of you. I want you to make me like you."

"Like me?" the vampire questioned him. "Or like Angel?" He smiled again as Riley flinched.

"Not like Angel," he said evenly, recovering his composed veneer.

Swiftly the vampire leaned in and kissed him on the mouth. Startled, Riley automatically accepted the cold tongue that flicked over his lips, letting that tongue lick along the roof of his mouth and his teeth before pushing his own tongue into the other mouth. He had never kissed any of them before, but this one was different, Riley himself was different tonight, the whole night was different. Then the vampire pulled back and ran his fingers through Riley's hair.

"Good boy," he said with a wider smile. "Come along now." He turned and led Riley outside. They walked away from the club and Riley thought they were going somewhere safer, nicer. But then they turned down an alleyway.

"Is your car down there?" he asked stupidly, and immediately wished he hadn't. The vampire merely smiled at him again.

"No, my friend. It's just your eternity."

Riley nearly gagged as they passed an open dumpster, but he didn't have time to consider the stench, for in the next moment the vampire had him against the brick wall, his arms held above him at the wrists in a steel grip. The vampire pressed the length of his body against Riley's and kissed him again. The boy's body was rigid with anticipation, but when he broke the kiss, the vampire only touched his forehead to Riley's.

"You know, I only said I *could* give you what you wanted," he growled. "I didn't say I *would*." Still forehead to forehead, he shifted to his demon face and laughed. "I haven't made up my mind yet. But never fear, whatever happens, the human who walked into this alley tonight will *not* walk out." And without further ado, his teeth found the exact spot of Riley's scars and sank in.

As he felt the addictive suction begin, Riley gave in completely, body, heart and mind. He pictured Angel pressed against him, Angel's mouth on his throat, Angel's tongue lashing the opening his teeth had torn there, Angel feeding on him, taking everything he had to offer... He wrapped one leg around Angel to pull his body closer, aching for more contact, more pressure....

When his wrists were released, Riley brought one hand down to tangle in the vampire's hair while he slipped the other inside the waistband of his own jeans. He squeezed his swollen erection, moaning as he imagined Angel's hand there. Before he could do any more, however, he felt a cold hand encircle his wrist, pull it away roughly and place it at the top button of the vampire's jeans. Riley groaned as he struggled with the button, then got it undone and reached for the cock. Angel's cock. He started to tease it with his fingers, exploring the size and shape and texture, but the vampire's hand closed firmly over his, propelling his hand the length of the shaft, forcing him into a rhythm from the balls to the head, closing over the head only to plunge back to the base, stroking up and down, over and over. Riley was in delirium as Angel's cum splashed them both, pushing Riley to his own shuddering climax. He went weak in the knees, felt himself sliding down the wall, the vampire going with him. Oh yes, so much better not to struggle, not to fight, just to slide away....

As his orgasm subsided, his fantasy faded and they sank to the ground, Riley had a moment to consider the vampire's last words to him. At first he felt betrayed, and foolish for having trusted a demon. But then he realized that it didn't matter, that whether the vampire killed him or turned him, his agony would be over. Over forever. The vampire had not lied; he was going to give Riley exactly what he wanted, one way or another.

He felt lightheaded, his body almost weightless. His heart was at the stopping point. He was almost beyond it all now. He couldn't feel the pull of the bloodrush anymore. Now there was only his name... and Angel's face before him... and then, finally, there was nothing.

+++

Angel went to the Key Club because he remembered Cordelia telling him about one of the bands playing that night. Maybe he even wanted to see Cordelia. But he didn't, really, because she would start prying and nagging. He wouldn't mind a little company, though, even if Cordy wasn't his first choice. So he wasn't sure if he was relieved that she wasn't there, or disappointed.

The first band had been okay, a little unpolished but they had done a pretty decent cover of The Carpenters' "Superstar." Angel was at the bar waiting to order when he saw an old acquaintance in the corner. Not alone. Definitely in seduction mode with some hapless human whose back was to Angel. When they left together, Angel decided to follow them. He'd never liked the arrogant son-of-a-bitch, and thought he might as well dust him.

He got hung up before he could even leave the bar, by a cute redhead who wanted to dance. She was drunk and clingy, and it was a moment before he could disengage himself from her. He had to ask around outside the club before someone finally told him which way his "friends" had gone.

So by the time Angel caught up with the vampire and the human in an alley a couple of blocks away, they were already locked in a deadly embrace on the ground. Certainly not aware of him standing there. He knelt and drove the stake in. As the dust settled, he peered at the human lying there. Probably too late for him.

Then, with a start, Angel recognized him.

"Riley?" he said. There was no response, so he repeated it. "Riley, can you hear me?"

His eyes fluttered open weakly. Although Riley appeared to be looking at him, Angel couldn't be sure the boy even saw him.

Then Riley slumped over. Angel felt for a pulse, pressed his ear to the boy's chest. Yes, the heart was still beating, almost imperceptibly. He gathered Riley in his arms and hurried to his car.

*****