I still can't get hold of the poof. It's constantly engaged. Watcher still ain't come home, and lookin' at his place, I'm kinda glad. So I guess me only other option is the Slayer. So you know how desperate I've become. This shit ain't gonna be cured by a well-placed kick to the gonads Cus bless her. She ain't brain of fuckin' Britain is she? And you just know she's gonna be real pleased to see the new, improved Angel...the one who was human...the one she coulda had as her little `boyfriend'...but oh...fuck me...the one I killed yesterday! . But you never know. Red might have something useful for me. Or the other one. The quiet one. Like her.

Just gotta pass the afternoon now with him. So, what's it gonna be? Don't think Monopoly's on the cards somehow. Shit, not even sure how we'd find the bleeding game, even if we wanted to. The place looks as though it's been trashed. All the good stuff's gone anyway. We've broken most of the rest. And then there's the err.spillages. On the counter, on the floor, in the bed, in the bathroom. Shit, guess I know what we'll be doing then. He'll be doin'. Cus I'm the Sire now. I get to order and manage. He's the Childe, he gets to do.

An' it's not like I care really. `Bout the place. Cus I don't. Shit it ain't even mine and I don't give a toss about my place usually. But it's him. He's gotta learn. He's gotta learn not to defy me no matter what it is I'm gettin' `im to do. He's just gotta obey me. He might end up being my investment in eternity, so I want to get it right.

Fucking Childer. They are such hard work! I ended up doin' it all me bleeding self. First he whined. Then he refused. Then he cried. Then he made more mess doing it than there was before. Jesus. Lucky for the poof I never even tried to help if this is what it's like being a Sire! But it does kinda alter your feelings for 'em when they are so.disobedient. Soddin' hell, I'll be getting a bat-face in a minute. But he's really pissed me off this afternoon. I don't really feel like being nice to 'im now. Don't want to join him in the shower he's so vocally enjoying. Definitely don't want to be in the bed with him for a while. He's made me madder than hell. So I go outside in the darkening evening to think for a bit. Fucking hell, I'll be reading French bleeding philosophy next. Wish I could talk this through with Angel.

Is this what I'm like? Do I piss him off like this all the time? I kinda thought I was being endearing. Now I'm wondering if I was just being an arsehole. Cus till you're a Sire you can't know what it's like. You've killed them. Taken all their life blood and made it yours. So you want `em to be good. To be evil. To be strong. To be a companion for eternity. Not some fucking little shit who don't care about you.

Cus I'm not stupid. I've seen the looks Angel's been giving me. I've seen the hurt on his face, felt his loneliness. But it's hard. Hard to break the habits of a long, undead lifetime. Angelus never wanted me as anything else but what I am. He liked me dependent, needy, selfish, greedy. Better to control. Easier to punish. So I was what he wanted me to be. Then he soddin' changed. Got a soul. Next time I see him, he's calling himself Angel an' wearing cashmere. And he's all responsible and broody. Then I get chipped. So what does he fucking expect? We can work all this out overnight. Cus he ain't the most talkative demon himself. He don't exactly open up `bout stuff.

It was me who made all the moves to get us this far. I came to LA. I came to see him every day. Shit, most of the time he couldn't even stay in the same bleedin' room as me. I got Cordelia to throw a party. I made the first move there. I've done fuckin' everything, but I know he wants more. So who's the fuckin' needy one then? Me or him? And I'm so scared. I'm fuckin' terrified. Cus his need is overwhelming. Am I gonna be enough? Or will I give me all and find it's not enough. Find I'm not enough. For him. Cus what then?

Coming to Angel was me last chance really. I'm a chipped soddin' Vampire. Might as well take a lion, tear out its teeth from the roots, pull out its claws and set it loose. What's it gonna do? Eat grass? Shit, that'd be the neediest fuckin' lion you'd ever be likely to meet. But I've been lucky. I had a Sire still around. One who wanted me back. So I wasn't gonna fuck it up by being different. By changing what I knew. Nah, stick with what works. It's worked for one hundred and twenty six years.

But if I could go home right now? Shit, I'm not planning on doin' the ironing or nothing, but I think I'd like to talk to the poof. Think I'd let him watch me shows with me. Think I'd like to lie in bed and just...talk for once. Yeah, that'd be nice. After a good shag that is.

When it's dark we head out to the Slayers place. I'm trying out all sorts of intros in me head...'Slayer, it's me, but...kinda not me.' `Slayer, this is NOT Angel, so don't go all mushy on me.' 'Slayer gets yer mitts off `im, he's mine.' Fuck it, this ain't gonna be easy. Cus I don't even know what I want. Can't go back to LA. I'm already there. So's Angel. Two mes, two Angels. Hey, now there's an idea, get me a little daisy chain goin'. But these pleasant thoughts are rudely interrupted by a loud shout.

`Get `em!'

Two very mean, pissed off vampires in full game face are coming across the street towards us. They have semi-concealed cross bows and I'm not waiting around to see stakes as well. I grab little Bill and start running down an alley. But he stops, turns around, and flashing me a huge grin announces with glee, `Got us a little action.'

He dives into the first Vampire, kicking and punching like...well, like a two day old fledgling who wants to be like his Sire. I scream at him to run, but he gives me a one finger salute. So there's nothin' else to be done. I turn back and throw myself on the second Vamp who's trying to bring his bow up to the aim. He's a pretty easy target, even for a semi-retired Master Vampire. He goes down dusted before he really knew what hit him. I hear a grunt from behind and when I turn, Little Bill has his opponent in a pretty good tackle himself. He uses the vamp's own stake against him and stands up, clearly delighted by his success. He turns and throws me a cheeky, `told you so grin.'

I think the grin was the last thing that turned to dust. I think his body went first, but I remember his grin. In my mind. I remember his grin still being there. Afterwards. When the rest of him was all dust. I must have lived this exact moment over a thousand times in bad dreams since Angel turned me. I must have played out Angel's death so many times in those nightmares you would think I'd be better prepared. That I've have gotten used to it. But it don't work like that, cus every time I woke, every fucking time, the fear had increased. Layer upon layer of fear. So I wasn't prepared. I was paralysed. By fear. Till I heard a chuckle from the end of the alley as the third Vampire, unseen before, fitted another shaft to the bow.

He was over twenty feet away. So you had to be impressed by his aim. He'd managed to hit my young Childe through the heart from over twenty feet. Not as impressive as the speed with which I covered that distance though.

It's not true that Vampires can only be killed by staking, beheading or burning. Lots of other things can kill us. Eventually. It just takes time, and you have to be more inventive. It took me two days. Billy would've enjoyed watching I think. He was pure demon.

There is no trace of his dust at all when I return to the alley. After I've finished. In those two days, he's just gone. I kneel in the dark and run my hands over the spot where I saw him turn to me that last time. I want something I can feel, some small part of that unique unlife I had created. But if I feel anything, it's only despair.

I'm so lost now I'm not even sure I even count as being here anymore.

Seems fitting to see it through in the cemetery. Time to go. I am utterly bereft. In losing my Childe, I lost my last link to my Sire. In losing that link I have lost myself. It's starting to get light. It's almost warm on my, so cold skin. I'm gonna enjoy it while I can. I take a deep drag of my last cigarette. And close my eyes to the approaching fire.

Well, if that's flames, I've been worryin' for nothing, cus that light is just soft and easy. I open my eyes and find myself staring into Angel's reading lamp on the side of the bed. I turn and lay on my back, slowly opening and closing my eyes, just testing the reality. Here. Still here. Here. Still here. My head is pounding like the worst of hangovers. But here. Still here.

Back.

And fuck, by Angel's digital alarm, it's only been one night. But no way was that a dream. I dream a lot. Good dreams, bad dreams, evil dreams if I'm lucky. And I know the difference. No blood pounding, orgasm-in-the-middle-of-the-night dream was as real as that. I was there. He was. Until he wasn't. I hear the TV on in the living room, like it was when I fell asleep. Alone.

So shit, I'm back. And suddenly me list of things to do don't seem so easy. I'm not so brave now. Feel a little dented. Feel a little lost. Need Angel. But I'm not sure now that Angel needs me.

*****
Part 9: Angel's POV

I could sit watching him no longer. For the last two hours he has been thrashing and screaming in his sleep. No coherent words, just a feral snarling that chilled me to the core. I won't leave him entirely, but I need a few feet of distance, a slight distraction. I sit on the couch and stare forlornly at the television screen. When the screaming stops I go back in, until after countless times of disappointment, when he doesn't wake, I stop even noticing when the quiet times come.

So I feel him standing in the doorway before I hear him. I keep my back turned to him and turn off the television. The silence is eerie. I don't know what to do now. I lay my head down on my hands putting my face into their dark embrace, as if that will keep me from his wrath. His hatred. He sits down next to me and he's not saying anything. I lean back too and we sit there, two broken creatures, in pain. I turn in the gloom to look at him, and yet again he has already turned to face me.

I don't think I have ever seen such pain in his face before. He looks utterly bereft. I cannot begin to imagine where this dark magic has taken him. It's instinctive. I don't care that I did this act to end our endless Sire/Childe games. He is in pain and I can comfort him. I don't know who moves first, me to stretch my arm round his shoulders to pull him to me, or him, laying his head against my chest. But we fold into each other, seeking and giving comfort. I can only hold him while he cries. Desperate, tearing sobs that break my heart.

When the storm is over and he quietens, I push his face away kissing frantically at his wet cheeks, wiping them with my hands, kissing the hollows of his eyes, revelling in their moist, salty taste. But it's the wrong thing, his despair seems to break forth again and again I end up just holding him tightly: rocking him gently to the rhythm of his own sobs. This time when he quietens I only take his hand and lead him to the bedroom. I peel off my clothes and steer him into the bathroom. Turning on the hot, strong shower I stand under it, turning my face up into the stream. After a moment I turn and holding out my hand invite him to join me. He does. I don't expect him to do anything now. He seems past being able to cope. I take the soap and start with his hair, rubbing it into the short, blond strands. He just rests his forehead on the wall and lets me. I continue my ministrations, down the strong muscles of his back, then over his beautiful tightly formed backside, down each leg in turn, then back, rubbing up past his cock and onto his belly.

But the Childe in him seeks more comfort. He takes my hand, and puts it back, down onto his hardening cock. He doesn't say anything, but bows his head, as if in supplication. This is not about sex, or passion or lust. It's about re-establishing bonds and relationships. Re-establishing exactly what I had tried to end. Re-establishing that I am the Sire and he is the Childe and it is my job to give him comfort. I gently start to bring him to full hardness. As I pull to the top of his thick, heavy shaft, I squeeze his foreskin up, milking drops of precum. He tilts his head back and rests it in the hollow of my neck. I kiss the top of his head. He stretches his arms back around my waist to effectively pull him tighter into my embrace. And it is good. He comes quickly with a rigid jerk of his body against mine. His cold cum shoots out over my hand and wrist to be washed away in the swirling hot water. I keep up the pressure on his cock till the very last drops have been milked, then moving up as close as I can behind him, I wrap my arms around his chest and lay my cheek against his shoulder. And we just stand there, the water enveloping us, creating a warm, moving world in which we can try to escape ourselves and our pain.

I sent him into another place to learn to be my companion, my equal and he's come back a broken man. All I wish now is for the old Spike back. He may have been needy, greedy, childish, selfish, but he was mine. Now I'm not so sure that he is. He seems too lost to be anyone's. But I can still give him comfort, I can still play my allotted role. Like I have for centuries. I move him out from the shower and grabbing a towel as we pass, manoeuvre him onto the bed. He turns away from me and puts his arm over his eyes as if to try and hide his tears from me. I can't bear to see him like this. I kneel alongside him on the bed and start to dry him. He tries to push me ineffectually away, but I catch his arm, holding it to me. I know what he needs. I take my wrist and going into game face, slash it open with my razor sharp teeth. He smells the blood instantly and turns to look at me. I rub my wrist slowly over my own lips and tongue till I am saturated and gently bend over him to allow him to suckle the blood from my mouth as I kiss him. I can feel him start to revive as soon as my powerful blood touches him. I probe and explore his soft mouth. I can taste a cigarette, which is strange considering he's been asleep for over fifteen hours. I can taste him, and I am hungry. He responds with a need that overwhelms me. Sucking, tearing at my tongue, his mouth wide, greedy.

When he is ready I press him to my wrist and holding him in my lap I let him feed. He seems ravenous. Whether it is for my blood or for my comforting is hard to tell. He seems to need both tonight. I let him feed well beyond my normal tolerance for draining. Until I can hear the echoes of eternity in my head, till I start to enter down into the dark realm from where we cannot return. I hear a voice. Is it mine? Have I been whispering quietly into dark? Have I been telling him I love him and that whatever I have done; I don't want him to leave? Don't leave me Spike. Don't leave me. Don't leave. Don't.

On the brink of unconsciousness I pull my wrist away and hugging him to me, fall oblivious to his side. He has my potency now. It's all I can give him. If throughout that long day I have an impression that he does not sleep, that he lies restless in my embrace, it may have just been my own guilt reflecting into my dreams. If I wake in the late afternoon and find him gone, I thought it was just my own nightmare of him leaving. But as I slowly pull myself up through the layers of blood loss inertia, I realise that it is no nightmare. I am indeed alone. My arms are empty. His side of the bed is cold.

Powerful magic indeed.

*****
Part 10:

I turn away from his side of the bed, now sickeningly empty, and lie on my back, thinking. How many times over the last six months have I awoken to find his hands on my body, childish tickling, greedy sucking, painful biting? How many times have I pushed him away, annoyed at being woken? Annoyed at his thoughtlessness. Annoyed that I have been made to face the long, wearying day ahead earlier than I needed to. How many times have I woken over the last six months to be faced with a barrage of irritating questions, a relentless thumping from his music, loud raucous noise from the television set? It may be trite, but it's true nevertheless, you don't know what you have, until you lose it. How much would I sacrifice now to have him here with me? But it's all gone. I have nothing. He is gone.

But there are some compensations to being alone. You get to cry when you want to. When you need to.

It is the smell that first breaks though the barrier of my tears. Vampires have to be ultra sensitive to fire and I smell burning.

I leap out of bed and run into the living room, grabbing the blanket as I go. Ready to throw it on flames, I almost throw it on Spike, who, fully dressed is in the kitchen. Cooking.

I am stunned. Frozen to the spot.

'Evenin' Pet. Eggs?'

I swear my refusal had nothing to do with the glutinous, burnt offerings he pushed in my direction.

'I don't eat.'

'Suit yerself,' and he plonks himself backwards on a chair and proceeds to fork the.food into his mouth.

I sit down opposite him and stare. I am entranced by this ever-surprising Childe of mine.

'Sorry 'bout last night Mate.'

Alright, I know what has happened. Of course. I should have thought of this. There must have been some magic dust left in the bed. And it got on me. Because this is a parallel universe. This is not Spike. He is dressed in a clean shirt. Alright, it is my clean shirt and two sizes too big for him. But it is still bizarre. He has made us both a meal. Alright, even picking at these eggs doesn't make them any more appealing or recognisable as food. But he did make them for us. But he's just said sorry. And that has no codicil attached to it at all. He did. And he seems to mean it.

'I had a.err, bad dream Mate. It seemed real. Very real. Very bad. I was a bit shook up. So sorry 'bout being all weepy and pathetic. But thanks. For being there.'

Oh God. I don't want to ask. Does he really believe it was only a dream?

'What was the.dream about?' I dread his reply. But he looks up and catches my eye and holds my gaze with his.

'About you.'

Oh. 'Me?'

'Yeah.' He looks down again and fidgets nervously with his fork. 'You got killed.'

'Oh. Hope you got the git who did it?' Good one Angel, try your first bit of humour in two hundred and fifty years now. He looks up again.

'Yeah. I did, Pet.' He pauses, clearly trying to frame his words carefully. 'I'm sorry 'bout all the other stuff too, Luv.' He hasn't called me that in so long it's like an echo reverberating down the decades. I'm so nervous I start to eat the, by now, cold eggs, just to give me something to do with my hands.

'What? What stuff?'

'You know Angel. All the shit I've been giving you. I came to LA to get you back you know. But you didn't seem to want me much. So I kinda panicked. I knew you'd never refuse a Childe of yours though. So I kinda just played at being yer Childe again. But I don't wanna do it any more Angel. I ain't just a Childe Mate. I've had.err.I've been a Master Vampire meself, remember? I've killed two Slayers and the Anointed One. So I'm sick of all this shit Angel. So.what's it to be? Do you want me or not? Make yer mind up and when you have, you let me know.'

Before I can reply to this extraordinary outburst he angrily pushes his chair back and storms out of the apartment. The air and light seem to leave with him.

Jesus, did I say Powerful Magic already? Who was that? Was that my Childe, my Spike?

And have I really been so stupid. He came for me? He wanted me? All those times he turned up and hung around.he wanted me? And all this.all the needy, clingy, weak, bimbo blond behaviour has been an act? To ensure my continual acceptance of him?

Oh.bloody hell!

He's sitting in the office with Cordelia and Wesley when I finally pluck up the courage to go upstairs. Even though it's late evening by now, my friends were clearly worried about me. They haven't seen me for over twenty-four hours.

As usual when he is worried, Wesley starts on me.

'Really Angel. This is too bad. You cannot just swan off for two days and leave.'

'Shut up.'

Two human heads turn in astonishment to the blond figure sitting nonchalantly on the couch. I am so used to being lectured and chastised by my humans, I'm already in my defensive, hang-dog look. But I let it drop and look fully at Spike.

'Err.I don't think I quite like your.' Wesley is clearly at a loss too. 'What did you say Spike?'

'I said, shut up. He's not your bloody apprentice. He's your boss. It's his office. His apartment. His agency. And he can fuckin' do what he likes.'

'Angel, are you going to let him speak to me like.'

'Angel don't say what I do Mate. Or what I say. But from where I've been sittin' these last six months, seems to me, you need him. He don't need you.'

He's gone too far now. Wesley's face is starting to revert to the lost expression he had when he first arrived in LA. I'm about to intervene, when incredibly Spike seems to notice this too.

'I said he don't need you Pet, not that he don't want you. He wants all of us. But yer gotta stop givin' him such a hard time.' He has the grace to look slightly abashed at this total hypocrisy and he casts me a shy grin of apology. 'We all gotta stop givin' yer a hard time, Luv.'

Wesley looks over at me. I resume my whipping boy stance, just in case. `I'm sorry Angel. Spike's quite right. Though it does rather pain me to say so. It's none of our business. If you choose to spend time away from the office that's entirely your prerogative.'

I can see Spike smirking out of the corner of my eye.

'Thank you, Wes. In that case, I'm going to exercise my prerogative right now,' and with that I spin on my heel and start towards the stairs. I cast a look at Spike over my shoulder. 'Coming?'

He knows.

With a grin at me he gets up and together we descend the stairs.

I start to explain. About Buffy, about lying, but he pushes me against the stairwell and silences my mouth with a deep affectionate kiss.

'You shut up too. Tosser. I worked that out for meself,' and he slaps me playfully on the back of the head. He pushes me towards the bedroom, practically tearing at my clothes. I would try to fight him off, just to retain some dignity, and preserve my clothes, but I've started laughing. And it's been so long, it's so unusual for me, I can't control it. It erupts from deep within my body where the fear was. Where the anguish was. Where the need for Spike was. I have experienced the loss of him. So I do know what I've got now. And I do intend to appreciate it. I intend to appreciate it a lot.

*****
Part 11:

He takes advantage of my temporary lack of any physical control to push me face down and now naked onto the bed. He sits on my legs and pins my arms above my head. He's laughing too, but even without this I can sense a whole new mood in this Spike. He's never taken control like this, never manhandled me. I love it. It's letting go. It's dangerous. It's total trust. In him.

'Spike.' I start to try and tell him how I feel.

'I said, shut up. Poof.' His voice is low and husky. I feel a frisson of excitement trickle down my spine running into my balls and making my cock hard beneath me. 'We've got a few little scores to settle first, Mate. Number one,' and he gives me a playful slap on my backside. Not too hard, but hard enough from a very strong Vampire.

'Err.Spike!' He smacks me again, definitely harder. I decide to keep quiet. That hurt.

'Now, I'm gonna let you have the benefit of the doubt that that was a dream, Pet.' Oh God. Does he know? 'Cus, I don't really care, Mate. What it was. Cus it's brought us here. You and me. Not fuckin' Angelus or Liam or Angel or Will or William or Spike or Hey You. Just you and me. New start, Mate. But dream or not, this.' and he slams his whole weight into the smack.'this, is for givin' yerself a bigger dick. And this.' he does it again, only unbelievably hard.'this, is for knocking three inches off mine. And just in case you've genuinely forgotten how big me dick is, this is to get you reacquainted.'

He takes my hot, red, throbbing cheeks, parts them with his strong hands and I feel the tip of his cold, slick cock against my entrance. For all his previous bravado, I can still sense just the smallest hesitation. So I raise myself up and spread my legs wide for him. I turn to look over my shoulder at him.

'My prerogative. Remember?'

He smiles and starts to pull gently at his cock, moving and squeezing the foreskin up and over the tip, milking his beads of precum, slicking them away with his thumb to use as lubrication for this long-awaited, long-desired act. He pushes his moist thumb against my hole, probing, stretching, till I can stand it no longer.

'Spike. Now, please!'

He smiles at me and leans forward, bracing his hands on my hips. Keeping complete eye contact with me, he pushes in slowly. His face is a picture. He looks like he's coming home. Like he knows every inch of my tight passage. He lets out a slow, unnecessary breath.

'Good?' I grin at him. I don't need a reply; I see it in his face. He closes his eyes, kneels up, throws his head back and starts thrusting in with hard, long, fast thrusts.

I didn't know anything could feel like this. It's total abandonment. I feel totally filled, used, loved. But just as I'm thinking nothing could feel any better, he lifts me up slightly higher, changes his position and thrusts back once more. I gasp in shock. It's like he's hit a button inside me. I feel my balls contracting, pulsing, my cock is throbbing and swelling and he knows. He knows.

He puts one hand around my waist and finds my cock and matches the rhythm of his thrusts. Again, and again he hits this incredible spot inside me. I had no idea. This is any orgasm I've ever had multiplied tenfold. I can hear a light, high keening sound of Vampire cuming, and I don't know if it's him or me, or both of us. I feel my cum traveling cold and fast up my shaft and he feels it under his hand cus he leans down and sinks his teeth into my raw backside, ripping and tearing as my cold seed spurts violently through his fingers onto the bed and his seed implants deeply into my willing body.

He collapses on top of me, still in me and starts gently just moving around on my backside, mixing and spreading my blood with his spilling cum over my wounds. Then he gently pulls out and slides down to finish his work with his tongue. He licks the cold, potent mixture from both stinging and bleeding cheeks, then with no hesitation, opens me again and pushes his cold tongue into my puckered, tight entrance. I hiss and rear up with delight. As he gently tongues me, he reaches under and scratches his nail along my perineum. I can't believe it, but I'm getting hard again already. I groan and he laughs, a low chuckle.

'Wanna go again?'

'My turn.'

'OK with me, Pet,' and he flips me over and with no other preparation than a deep, loving kiss on which I can taste my blood and his salty essence, kneeling up he impales himself on my cock. With a seductive raise of his scarred eyebrow, he takes himself in his own hand and starts to make a matching rhythm with his rising and lowering. Every time I put my hand tentatively out to touch that swollen shaft or flick my finger nail lightly over the glistening tip, he bats my hand away. His suggestive smirk becomes positively obscene and he starts to run the tip of his tongue over his lower lip. 'Shall I tell yer what I'm thinking.doin' this? Shall I tell you, Pet?' He flicks his own thumb lightly over the top then resumes his long, slow, hard strokes. We're back in that office again. The Watcher's giving you another little lecture and yer just taking it, so I come up behind you, an' get it out for you an' I start to do this to your cock, while I thrust deep in you, an' he's watching and he stops lecturing you, an' he comes over and kneels down and you put your cock in 'is mouth and I'm deep inside you when I make you pull out and do this all over 'is face an' me hand.' as he says the last words he leans back a bit and his cold seed empties from his throbbing cock into his hand and onto my unresisting face. Then mirroring his own words, he continues his own fantasy.'then I take me hand covered in yer cum and put each finger in yer mouth till I'm clean...' and he puts one finger after another in my mouth. As soon as I taste his cum. I feel a painful tightening of my balls and biting hard on his finger, almost through to the bone, I jerk my hips up as I cum deep inside his slim body.

I suck gently on his badly bitten finger, relishing, as he did, the taste of blood and cum mixed. He has sunk onto my chest and is swirling one finger around my nipple, just teasingly and with no real aim in mind. I don't think he could have done anything else. He's exhausted. But he's not through surprising me, even now, because he suddenly slides off me and pulls me in to a deep, possessive embrace, spooning my back to his chest before placing his injured finger back to my mouth. How long we stay like this I couldn't say. Time rather seems to have lost it's meaning in this bed. What was, is no more. What we were, we don't seem to be. All the old certainties have been swept away. Yet for all that, I don't really think he is a different person to what he always has been. Only he hid this part of himself well. Or maybe I just never took the time or made the effort to peel away his masks.

I don't think I have ever left so loved, so fulfilled as I do. Right here. Right now.

Won't be catching Wesley's eye for a while though.

*****
Part 12:

Spike's POV

I'm on number two on me list now. I've sorted the Slayer and now I've shagged me Sire. Can't be bothered with the rest now, cus the rest have all suddenly become redundant. This was all we needed. But I think I surprised him. Fact, I'm not sure which I'd put me money on being the more difficult to do, shaggin' 'im or surprising him. But I've done both.

It's been a roller coaster ride since I got back. Think I was in shock that first night. It felt so real being there.so when I came back here, this didn't. I kept expecting to leave and go back to where Angel was dead. So I was shook up.ok, I was pathetic. Girls' blouse kinda pathetic. He musta thought his little spell backfired on 'im a bit there. Oh yeah.I know now it was a spell, cus Angel's kinda talkative in his sleep, when he's drained.kept saying he was sorry, over and over.

I'm not. Sorry that is. Don't care what he did, cus it's brought us together. Like this. Told 'im so over eggs. Don't think he was really givin' me his full attention though at the time. He seemed kinda bemused. Didn't even notice he was stark bollock naked. I did though.

I had to hand it to the Watcher. He took it like a trooper. He's gonna have to get used to it. I'm here, and I'm here to stay. Cus Angel wants me. He wants me. He wants me. Think I'll say it again, cus I like it. He wants me. All that pain, all that fuckin' anguish, but he wants me. And if a tiny part of my heart is still broken for a non-existent Childe? It is a very tiny part, cus he's here with me now, in this bed. He was here when I pushed Angel unresisting onto the bed. He was here when I entered Angel's slick, tight hole, he was here when I came over Angel's face and hands. He will be here every time I am the person with Angel, that I was with him. If I've changed, then so will Angel. He's gonna have to learn to let go, lighten up and share his life. He's gotta learn to be dependent on me sometimes. Like.he was. And I won't fail Angel, like I did my Childe. Cus Angel wants me. He wants me. He's the only person in well over one hundred years who has ever really wanted me. And if there was still a slight hesitation when I saw my Sire's tight, enticing entrance ready for plundering in front of me? Well, Angel's still had over a hundred years of shagging me an' I didn't want to let him down for his first time. But he helped. Oh yeah, just lookin' at me like that. I'd have fucked him for eternity after that inviting look. Fact, that's exactly what I intend to do. And shit was it good. Specially when I hit that spot for 'im. Thought he was gonna explode there and then. Don't matter what happens between us now, how much angst and shit he gives me, I'll always have that picture in me head. My Sire, spread-eagled on the bed, his ass in the air, open and inviting with my thick shaft embedded deep within him.

The intense pain in me finger is lessening now under Angel's soft, gentle sucking. I won't tell 'im he bit actually into the bone. Might upset 'im. Shit, musta been some orgasm. Guess he liked the spanking. Guess he liked me little fantasy. Just know it's gonna effectively make the Watcher less intimidating every time he starts one of those poncy little lectures! Maybe I'll work on old Wes to give it a go for real some day. Sell it as an employee perk!

I hug the poof closer to me and burry my face into his soft hair. It's gonna take some adjustment for both of us, this new start. Cus if I was playing a role, then so was he. He does it all the time. The barriers he puts up to defend himself from the world. He's gonna have to drop 'em with me. Cus if he thinks he's seen needy? He ain't seen nothin' yet. Cus I'm gonna need all of him.all his attention.all his notice.all his concentration. He ain't gonna have time to brood. He'll be too busy being looked after by me. I'm good at lookin' after things. When I want to. Did it for Dru for a fuckin' century.

Shit, so I guess I'll need to start a new list. Like lists. You know where you are with 'em. Might start a new plan too. Like plans. Need to plan how things gonna change. How we're gonna change in this new place we've found for ourselves.

So, lying together in the dark, him sucking my finger, me playing with his nipples and stroking my hand across his smooth belly, I start a new plan. It's gonna be my investment in eternity.

So I don't think either of us sleep much this night. I sensed him lying awake in the dark in my tight embrace. Not restless. Calm and content. I never released my hold on him. Every time I woke from a light sleep, I tightened my hold on him. I hold him now. I don't want to sleep. I want to play out in my head my penetration of him. I want to feel again my thick shaft as it slid past his tight entrance for the first time. I want to picture his face grinning at me, a look of pure satisfaction across his beautiful features. I want to enjoy his strong, perfect body as we pass this long night together. But all good things have to end. He will have to get up soon and go to work. As much as I hate it, I know it pays for stuff. Stuff I want. Besides which, we stink. We would to mortal senses, let alone to keen Vampire ones. Cum, blood, sweat. Time to surprise the ole Sire again.

I pull away from his lightly dozing figure and go into the bathroom, running a deep, hot bath. When it's ready I go back into the bedroom to find him watching me with, what I can only describe as pure lust on his face.

'Come back to bed. I'm not finished with you yet.'

'Sorry Mate, time to get up.' He couldn't be more surprised if I'd announced I was turning vegan. 'Come on, we don't wanna be late for work, Luv,' and I pull his heavy, resisting body out of bed towards the bath. If he thought I was gonna get in with him, he is disappointed, cus I kneel down alongside the tub and picking up a sponge, start lightly washing and rinsing the water over every inch of his body. I start with his feet, working up his hard calves and thighs. I deliberately avoid his swelling cock and swirl the sponge over his tight belly.

'Yep, definitely fatter.'

'Fatter? What do you mean?'

'Nothin' Pet. Just thinking of your wishful thinking. Nothing. Go back to sleep,' cus bless 'im, he almost is still asleep in this warm water, under this caressing treatment. I continue up his chest, stopping over each nipple to feel their hard, pertness under the thin sponge. I'm so hard I'm almost denting the side of the tub. I push his head gently under the water and taking a handful of shampoo, scrub it into his thick, silky hair, rinsing and scrubbing, rinsing and scrubbing till it is shinning and slicked back. Now for the best part. I return to his cock. Gently pulling the foreskin back, I wash around the tip, then pull it back up, keep up that cleansing action till I think he's had enough. He ain't sleepy now. Now he's groaning and arching back in the water. He grasps my arm in a very tight hold.

'Get in. Now!'

Sometimes it's best not to argue with yer Sire. Specially when yer about to come all over his bathmat. So I climb in, kneeling, facing him. Not the most comfortable position to shag in, but not the worse we've ever been in either. I take his thick shaft in one hand, holding mine with the other. And I can't resist it, his foreskin is still pushed back, his tip swollen and exposed. It is so easy. I put the end of my cock against his, and pulling my foreskin up, enclose his tip as well. He looks at me as though I were someone he has never known before. And I guess, in a way, I am. Not someone he has ever known. Cus I'd never have dared stuff like this before. I pull back and over his tip and mine, both being stimulated to orgasm by the same friction, the same motions. In a surprisingly agile move, he kneels up too so we are inches from each other as I perform this act on him. He puts his hands up to my face and cupping them behind my head pulls me into a deep and loving kiss. He moves his tongue in my mouth to the same rhythm of my foreskin on his cock. He is insatiable, his mouth wide, his kisses frenzied. As usual under such intense stimulation it doesn't take us long to cum. I feel his cold seed emerge first and the feel of it striking the engorged tip of my cock makes my cum erupt to meet it. By the end you couldn't tell what was mine, what was his. Shared orgasm, shared seed.

He stops kissing me and we just stare into each other eyes. I'm trying to read his expression. I know I can see lust there. I know I can see guilt, I guess that'll always be there. This is Angel after all. I know I can see love there. But I can also see doubt. Not doubt about my love for him. He knows how powerful that is now. No, there is doubt about how what we have shared here tonight will survive the every day world. He knows we have to go upstairs now. He knows that real life will intrude into this. Our new life. And he is afraid. And he sees that I am too. But then he smiles. A strong, radiant smile. So I grin back at him. Cus I get it. I get that it don't matter. It don't matter what's up there. Cus we'll be facing it together. And when it's faced? Then we'll be here together. And as I said, I ain't talking laundry or shit, but there's still a lot of stuff I want to share with him down here.

I ain't even started surprising him yet.

*****