Title: Reasons to Hope, Reasons to Live
Author: HanaHeart ([email protected] or [email protected])
Website: http://www.fanfiction.net/~hanaheart
Keys:
"Common language"
~Elvish language~
[Translations]
//Thoughts//
________________________________________________________
Reasons to Hope, Reasons to Live - One
By HanaHeart
Legolas followed Aragorn's eyes with his and was shocked to see a red velvet cloak lying on the ground.
"No," Legolas whispered.
"He died in my arms, Legolas," Aragorn said softly. "He told me to tell you that he loves you and he always will."
"No," Legolas repeated, louder this time. Not paying attention to what Aragorn was saying, "NO!" He shouted in despair.
He ran towards his lover's dead body and kneeled beside it.
"Haldir," he called his lover, tears were falling freely down his cheeks "Please answer me... Haldir, please!" he begged.
"Legolas," Aragorn placed a comforting hand on the elf's shoulder, "Haldir is gone."
"NO... HALDIR, ANSWER ME!!!"
Prince Legolas startled from his sleep, terrified. His breath was fast and shallow, and cold sweat trickled down his forehead. He threw his head backwards and breathed deeply, closing his eyes in attempt to control his composure. The very same nightmare had been haunting him every night since the death of his lover. Images of his dead lover flashed in front of him even in his dreams. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, Legolas rose from his bed and walked towards the balcony outside his room.
The cool breeze of the early morning greeted him with its soft caresses. Legolas inhaled the fresh air, listening to the awaking life around him.
Everything was cheerful, happy as the evil was finally destroyed and peace had returned to Middle-Earth three months ago. Everything was back to normal. Everything had turned out as it was expected to be before the war of the ring... Well, almost everything.
The hobbits had returned to the shire, but visiting Rivendell from time to time. Gimli had returned to Moria and restored the Dwarven city. Aragorn had claimed his birthright as the rightful King of Gondor and had worked his best to restore Gondor's glory as it was before its fall. However, to everyone's surprise, the King of Men and the Evenstar of the elves did not get married. The two simply said that they weren't meant for each other and the fair lady had sailed to the west with her grandmother.
As for him, after returning to Mirkwood, Legolas had continued to perform his duties as the prince of Mirkwood and the messenger of his father.
However, after the death of his lover, Legolas felt so empty and alone. Nothing seemed to be able to please his heart and fill it with joy and happiness, which he had once felt. He had crawled into a shell full of solitude, preferring to spend the day in his private chambers, when he was not needed. His carefree, joyful nature had overnight changed into a manner full of indifference and contempt.
Everyone tried to comfort him for his loss, but all their attempts were put to vain. The pain was so strong that it had killed every desire in his soul to enjoy the beauty of life around him.
Not even his father or his elder brothers managed to pull him out of his shell. He was crumbling slowly, nothing would matter soon. Eventually, they ceased their attempts to cheer him up. Even though they knew very well that this would only lead to one thing, his death.
Legolas knew that grief was slowly eating at his heart, but he didn't care. His heart was already dead. It had died the moment his eyes landed on his lover's motionless body. It surprised him that he didn't pass away on the day of Haldir's death. And he sincerely thought that he wouldn't be able to hang on so long after the war. But he managed, much to his disappointment. Plenty of times, his caring and worried father and two brothers had suggested for him to set sail towards the west. He was genuinely happy that they still cared for him. But he wanted to die; he wanted to join his beloved in Mandos' Halls. Why was that so difficult?!!!
A sharp, cold breeze billowed and hit him full force. It snapped Legolas from his thoughts, reminding him that he was wearing nothing but leggings. Legolas sighed and entered his room again. He felt bile rise up his throat, the uneasiness of his stomach made his stomach lurch. He rushed towards the bathroom and leaned above a bucket, throwing up everything in his stomach.
Legolas heaved in exhaustion. These unexplained waves of nausea have been attacking him for a few weeks. Legolas wondered if his grief was starting to affect his health, weakening his immune system.
Light knocks on the wooden door of his chambers brought Legolas back to reality. Sighing, he walked out the bathroom and opened the door.
~What do you want?~ he asked the servant, who was standing behind the door, not bothering to hide his annoyance.
The scared servant-elf gulped nervously at the cold glare that she had received from her prince.
~Your highness,~ her tone was inaudible but Legolas managed to hear what she said. ~His majesty and their highnesses are expecting you to join them for breakfast.~
~Tell them I'll be there soon.~ With that, he slammed the door in her face.
Legolas heaved a sigh of despair again.
//Why can't they just leave me alone?// he wondered. //All I want is to be left alone. No one understands my pain, so why bother to pretend that they do?// This annoyed Legolas to no ends.
However, Legolas knew that he couldn't escape from encountering his father and brothers again, they would try to drag him into numerous conversations and activities to pull him out of his shell.
//This is the disadvantage of being the youngest among three sons,// he snorted.
It wasn't that he wasn't grateful for his father's and brothers' care but he simply he didn't see the use of it, since he had lost all hope of being happy once more.
Legolas glanced at his reflection in the mirror and frowned. He was paler than usual, his usually bright violet-blue eyes were dull and clouded, and there were also black lines underneath them. He glanced at the rest of his body and deepened his frown. He has lost so much weight in the past three months. Come to think of it, he hadn't been eating properly and his eating patterns were all jumbled up. The waves of nausea he had been experiencing didn't help too. His father was definitely going to give him another lecture about health today. With a deep sigh, Legolas went to prepare for breakfast.
~~~~***~~~~
King Thranduil frowned as the sight of his youngest son entering the dining hall. Legolas was too pale and thin for his liking. The King sighed, if only he could bring the cheerful, life-loving Legolas back once more. Nothing seemed to manage to capture his son's interest any longer.
~Good morning, father. Brothers.~ King Thranduil winced at Legolas' emotionless voice.
~Good morning, my son,~ he greeted back. ~How are you doing today?~
~I'm fine,~ Legolas replied automatically, sitting in his place next to his brother, Mallorn [Golden-tree].
~I can see that you are not, baby brother,~ his oldest brother, Aredhel [Noble-elf], pointed out.
Legolas glared at his brother, his eyes glinting dangerously.
~Don't call me baby brother again,~ he said, his words laced with uncontrolled anger. ~When I say I'm fine, means I am.~
The three elves raised their eyebrows in shock; it was uncharacteristic for the gentle Legolas to talk coldly, let alone to threaten someone elder than him.
~But it didn't bother you before to be called baby brother, Greenleaf,~ Mallorn said.
~It does now,~ Legolas replied sharply. ~I'm three thousand years old. I'm no baby anymore. I can take care of myself.~
~No one said you couldn't, Legolas,~ King Thranduil decided to interfere, ~your brothers are only concerned about you as well as everyone else.~
~I said I'm fine, father.~ Legolas calmed a little. ~I don't need anyone to fuss over me like-~ His sentence was cut off, as he felt nauseated again. Covering his mouth, he bolted out the dinning hall to his private chambers.
~What happened to him?~ Mallorn asked in confusion.
~I'm not sure,~ King Thranduil frowned. ~I'll go and see what's wrong.~ He stood and walked outside the hall, followed by his two sons.
~~~~***~~~~
Legolas felt his tears threatening to fall down from his eyes as he leaned down, heaving hardly. His stomach was empty but he was still nauseated.
~Why can't I just die?~ he said bitterly. ~I want to die. I want to leave this meaningless life. I miss you, Haldir.~
Legolas whipped the tear that fell down his cheek and stood up. He washed his face and went out to see that his father and two brothers were waiting for him in the room.
~How do you feel now, my son?~ King Thranduil asked; concern was apparent in his voice.
~I'm fine, Ada [Father],~ Legolas whispered, not trusting his voice at the moment.
~What was that, Legolas?~ Mallorn asked. ~What's the matter?~
~It's nothing,~ Legolas shrugged. ~I'm fine.~
~Are you sure it's nothing you want to talk about, Legolas?~ King Thranduil asked, eyeing his son strangely.
~It's nothing, father.~ Legolas shook his head, feeling a little bit dizzy. ~I'm totally- Ada, help-~
Legolas suddenly felt the whole world was spinning around him and fell onto the ground, unconscious.
~LEGOLAS!~ The three elves rushed to him.
~Aredhel, go and fetch a healer,~ King Thranduil ordered as he gently carried his unconscious son off the ground and laid him on the bed.
Mallorn watched his father wiping sweat from his brother's forehead. He bit his lip at the very thought of his brother dying. Legolas was the youngest among them; it wasn't fair for him to suffer that way.
~Is it his grief, father?~ he asked worriedly.
King Thranduil shook his head. ~I'm not sure, my son.~
~But father, Legolas was retching... elves do not get ill, let along feel sickness.~
~That's right, my son,~ King Thranduil said softly, ~that's right.~ //Unless...// he added mentally.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the healer and Aredhel entering the room.
~~~~***~~~~
Legolas blinked several times, his vision slowly clearing. He looked around him and found his father standing by the balcony, staring outside.
~Ada,~ he whispered.
King Thranduil turned around and walked towards the bed.
~How do you feel now?~ he asked, there was a strange look in his eyes and it sent shivers down Legolas' body.
~I feel tired, father,~ Legolas admitted, ~both inside and outside.~
King Thranduil sighed deeply. His stern gaze softened at his son's confession, it was unusual for his proud son to admit weariness, even if his life depended on it.
~Legolas, we have to talk.~ The elven King sat on a chair beside the bed. ~You have to open your heart to me, my son. Just tell me everything in your heart, as any son should tell his father.~
Legolas nodded and got up to a sitting position. ~Anything you wish, father.~
~Tell me, Legolas,~ King Thranduil asked carefully, ~have you been seeing someone after your return from your quest?~
Legolas widened his eyes, staring at his father in disbelief.
~Seeing someone?~ he whispered confusedly.
The King nodded.
~No, father,~ Legolas answered, lowering his gaze in sadness, ~I haven't been seeing anyone since...~ He bit his lower lip, fighting the tears that threatened to fall down. ~Since my return,~ he said after a momentary pause.
King Thranduil took another deep breath, his worst fears were confirmed. ~Then it was Haldir,~ he whispered to himself more than to Legolas.
Legolas looked up at his father in confusion, what has Haldir to do with this conversation? And where was this going?
~Haldir? What are you talking about? What had Haldir done?~ he asked, pain obvious in his tone.
The King sighed, thinking how to inform Legolas of his current situation without causing the young elf more pain. The moment he opened his mouth to speak, Aredhel and Mallorn burst into the room, shock and disbelief expression written all over their faces.
~We talked to the healer,~ Aredhel said, eyeing Legolas strangely, ~and he said that Legolas is...~ His voice trailed off.
The King nodded ~Yes, my son. What the healer said is true.~
Legolas felt his blood boiling; they were talking about him as if he didn't exist.
~In case you've forgotten,~ he said in annoyance, ~I'm still here in the room, and I want to know what is happening to me too.~
The King looked at him for a moment and then took a deep breath. ~Legolas, you are pregnant.~
~I'M WHAT?~ Legolas snapped. He looked at his father as if he had grown an extra head.
~I said you are pregnant,~ King Thranduil said quietly, as if he was talking about the weather, ~as in carrying a child inside you.~
~Impossible. I'm a male, father. I can't carry a child. I can't be pregnant,~ Legolas argued. ~It can't happen, can it?~ he asked uncertainly, seeing that his father, unlike his two brothers, was not surprised at his supposed pregnancy.
King Thranduil nodded. ~Yes, it can, my son,~ he said, moving from his place and walking to the window. ~I was hoping that what I'm going to say would remain unsaid. But I believe that you are old enough to know the secret, which our kin had kept for so long.~
~What secret, father?~ Aredhel asked, not sure if he really will like the answer.
~You know that females were created with the necessary organs to bare children... this rule is applied in every race in Middle-Earth, including our Kin, the Sindarin elves.~ The three brothers nodded in agreement. ~However, there are some exceptions considering our kin,~ the King continued, looking outside the window. ~Sindarin males, my dear sons, are capable of carrying children like females.~
The three brothers gasped in shock.
~But father, how?~ Mallorn asked.
~You see, Mallorn,~ the King turned his face towards his son, ~the Sindarin males possess the needed organs to bare a child as females do. They are fertile.~
~You mean I have a womb.~ Legolas placed his hand on his stomach, disbelievingly.
The King nodded. ~Actually all Sindarin males have, that includes me, your brothers and every Sindarin male-elf in Mirkwood.~
Aredhel and Mallorn looked at each other with an uneasy look, putting their hands on their stomachs too.
~Does anyone else know about this, father?~ Mallorn asked, finally.
The King sighed. ~Well, in Mirkwood elder-elves usually don't inform their children about this little fact unless it's needed to be revealed. As for the other elven realms, no one knows except Elrond, Glorfindel, Gandalf and the lord and lady of the Golden woods.~
~If this was characteristic of our kin, then how come, no one outside Mirkwood knows about it, father?~ Aredhel asked.
~Having a mate from the same gender is rare, even among elves. However, when it happens, the two mates would usually be from Mirkwood, so there is no need for secrecy. And even if one was from outside Mirkwood, they usually swore not to reveal this secret, because it was decided long ago that this fact must kept hidden, for the ancients had feared that this may lead to dangerous consequences.~
~Why weren't we told about this before, father?~ Mallorn asked.
The King Thranduil sighed. ~I didn't see the need to inform you about this, seeing that you prefer females. And even when Legolas told me about Haldir... he was too young to understand. However, I had warned him not to give up himself to his lover without an official marriage, which I can see, that he had disobeyed me.~ He said the last sentence with apparent annoyance.
~Then Haldir is the child's sire,~ Aredhel said as-a-matter-of-fact.
The King nodded, eyeing his youngest son, who had been lost in deep thoughts.
The elder king took a deep breath and addressed his son. ~Legolas.~
The said elf looked up at his father. ~Yes, father?~
~You are aware that you have disobeyed me when you gave up yourself to Haldir without an official marriage, aren't you?~
~Yes, father,~ Legolas nodded quietly, ~though I must say that I don't regret it. I have loved Haldir with all my heart... and I still do.~ He looked at his father with teary eyes. ~Father, Haldir was the only one my heart wanted, he was my only love. We were boned as one.~
~My boy,~ the King sighed, ~there are things that cannot be done just to satisfy a desire or passion. It's not wise to run after our feelings all the time, you are a noble elf, prince of great kingdom, you should be knowing this. However, what happened had happened, there is no way we can change the past. But, what had been broken must be repaired.~
~What do you mean?~ Legolas whispered.
~Legolas, I hate to say this, but the child you're carrying cannot be born,~ the King said firmly.
~What?~ Legolas looked at his father in horror, one hand covering his belly protectively.
~You must abort the child, Legolas.~
~NO,~ Legolas cried, getting up from his bed and standing in front of his father. ~I won't let anyone kill Haldir's child.~
~Legolas,~ the King said in warning tone, ~this child was conceived out of marriage bond... if Haldir was alive, I'm sure that he would carry the responsibility of his actions and marry you. But Haldir is dead, and the news of this pregnancy would touch the honour of our family name.~
Seeing the pain that flushed in his son's blue eyes, the elder-elf regretted his words. But it was too late to back off now, besides, it would do no good for the royal family, if the news of Legolas' pregnancy without marriage spread out.
Legolas stared at his father silently. He couldn't believe that such hurting words would come out from the very mouth of his own blood. He wanted to kill Haldir's child... the only thing left from his beloved, the only thing that symbolized their love, the only thing that is connected to his lover by blood...
//NO,// Legolas' mind screamed, //NO ONE WILL TOUCH HALDIR'S BABY. NO ONE WILL TAKE HIS ONLY MEMORY FROM ME. NO!//
~No,~ Legolas looked his father directly into his eyes, ~you will not kill my child.~
~Legolas,~ the King said firmly.
~I said No,~ Legolas yelled. ~No one will touch my child... Haldir and I were bonded by love. I would never deny that and I'll protect his child with all my strength, even if it means my life.~ With that the young prince bolted out of the room.
~Aredhel, Mallorn, follow him,~ the King shouted in despair. The two elves nodded and ran after their fleeing brother. King Thranduil took a deep breath, resting his head between his hands.
He should be happy to hear that he's going to be a grandfather soon, not to mention, that the child will be Legolas', his favourite little son. But, since this pregnancy might cost the family and the kingdom their reputation, he cannot allow it to happen.
The elder King prayed to the Valar, that he was doing the right thing. For he knew, that if anything happened to his youngest son because of this, he wouldn't forgive himself for as long as he lived.
His sons' footsteps brought him back to reality. He looked up and saw Aredhel and Mallorn standing in front of him.
~Well, where is he?~ the King asked.
Aredhel shook his head. ~I'm sorry, father... we couldn't catch up with him. He had taken his horse Laure and rode outside the palace. Do you want me to arrange scouts to search for him?~ he said reluctantly. He didn't like the idea of chasing his brother, but as a crown prince of Mirkwood, he does understand his father's reasons too.
~Yes, my son,~ the King sighed, ~go and bring your brother back home.~
~Father, can't you let Legolas have this child?~ Mallorn asked. ~Haldir's death was a great shock to Legolas. He was his first love. Having a child from Haldir would be a great consolation for him... a reason for him to go on and enjoy life.~
~I wish I could, Mallorn,~ the King said, sorrowfully. ~This child would be the light that brightens up his life again, but I can't allow it. For the sake of our family name, I can't. If Haldir was alive... if only Haldir was alive, so many things might have changed. Go with Aredhel, Mallorn. Go find your brother and bring him back. He won't be able to take care of himself in his current condition.~
The two elves nodded and went outside, leaving the King alone.
~~~~***~~~~
Legolas rode through the great woods of Mirkwood as fast as his horse could. He rode for hours, determined to get out of Mirkwood as soon as possible. He knew that his father would send scouts after him, hoping that in his present condition, they could bring him back easily. But this is not going to happen, he vowed. He would pass Mirkwood's borders today. He wasn't going to let anyone harm his child, no matter what their reasons were. No one was going to kill Haldir's child.
But where would he go?
Legolas frowned at this thought. He couldn't possibly live in the wild with a child growing inside of him. He must find a place to settle down. A place where it would be comfortable to live in and where he could get a proper health care until his child's arrival, and, most importantly, a place where he could be safe away from his father.
The first place one could think about was Lothlórien. The golden woods were well protected with the magic of Galadriel's ring. Even after her departure to the west, Galadriel's powers were still protecting the elven woods.
However, Legolas knew very well that he cannot go there again. Not only would the memories of his dead lover haunt him, but also his lover's brothers, Orophin and Rűmil.
Ever since he had met the Marchwarden, his two brothers had developed a strong hatred for him, or strong lust... he knew very well that they had desired him and were jealous of their eldest brother who had gained his affection.
So going to the golden woods and facing Haldir's brothers with his child wasn't an option. Only Valar know what the two Lothlórien-brothers would do to him and his child, even if it was their brother's.
Then where would he go?
He can't go to Gondor or Rohan either. Even if their Kings were his friends, he can't go there in his present condition and blow up Mirkwood's secret. That left him with only one option. Imladris.
Yes, he would go to Imladris, Elrond and Glorfindel would help him. They already knew about Mirkwood's secret, so they won't be shocked... and he was sure that they'll help him confront his father and try to make his father change his mind to keep the child. Besides, Elrond is a healer, and knows how to properly take care of pregnant males.
Yes, Imladris was the perfect place.
And so Legolas urged his horse to go faster, heading towards Imladris.