Boy band success closer than you think
Source: U-Wire
By Andrew Pagano
Columbia Daily Spectator
Columbia U.
(U-WIRE) NEW YORK -- Eminem, the hottest rapper in the music business, has begun a crusade against the numerous boy groups in existence, with their bubble gum sound and pretty boy looks.
But 'N Sync's newest album sold more than two million copies in its first week in record stores. And the Backstreet Boys have sold somewhere close to, oh, a gazillion copies of their second major release. So the question is: why are guys following Eminem in their bashing of these boy groups? Shouldn't you be looking to start your own group?
This question has been on my mind since ... well, since finals started in May and I was left looking for something to distract me from writing papers and studying for exams. I have done extensive research, from watching hours of TRL and boy group biographies on MTV, to scouring the Internet for the hottest 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys Web sites. And I am now prepared to present to you, the anxious public, the most anticipated research results since the Human Genome Project.
This is how you start your very own boy group:
1) You must come from a small town--nothing spells boy group success like spending your childhood in Podunk, America. If you're from a big city, success is pretty much expected of you. But if you're from somewhere in Mississippi or Delaware, like some of the members of 'N Sync, then you can play up the ''boy from a small town never gives up on his dreams and makes it big'' angle. I'm from Queens, which is too much of a part of New York City to count as a ''small town.'' Of course, if I use the town I grew up in, Elmhurst, I suddenly have small town status. Elmhurst, NY sounds like it's upstate, right next to Rochester or something. A little creativity goes a long way on this one.
2) Dad recognizes musical talent--the father of the potential boy group member must reach that moment when he realizes that his boy is not like the others. Whether it's because he's always singing in the house or because he always stars in the school plays, dad will see that his son's talents need to be further explored. My story emerges when, eagerly anticipating dinner to be served, I start tapping on the glasses and plates with my fork and knife. My father, taken aback by the melodious sounds coming from such ordinary stainless steel kitchen utensils, finally sees that this fish needs a pond much bigger than sleepy-town Elmhurst.
It's at this point that every father acts on this realization and ...
3) ... Sends his son to Orlando--apparently the hotbed of musical and dancing talent, Orlando is the meeting place of both the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. Most of the groups spent a substantial amount of time there.
It's not really important to hone your musical skills in Orlando--it just matters that you be there. When I get my group together, we'll just set foot in the airport in Orlando and hop back onto the plane. That way, we can fulfill the next step on the way to boy group success ...
4) You must make it big in Germany--none of the groups are ever big in the States at first. 'N Sync first found musical success in Germany, and the Backstreet Boys were named Artists of the Year in Germany four years ago.
The phenomenon of the boy group is bigger than any amount of talent that the group might have, so you can pretty much make it big in Germany without actually having a song completed or a dance step choreographed. As quickly as you quietly stepped into and out of the Orlando airport, you will just as rapidly be mobbed by thousands of screaming German fans who know everything about you. Speaking of which, you'll need an identity and a name.
5) The identity of the band members is crucial--boy groups need to select members based on their ability to attract a wide variety of pre-teen girls. There has to be the weird guy, usually the founder of the group. Kevin of the Backstreet Boys walks around with a cane, and Chris of 'N Sync just looks weird. There always has to be the young heartthrob, and there always has to be a mature member of the group--the elder statesman, if you will--just in case some girls prefer more seasoned, mature guys.
6) The name--here's another area where you can be a little creative. The name should reflect what your group will represent. The one thing these groups have not capitalized on, for example, is an ethnically or racially mixed collection of guys. And the name should be creatively chosen--like the way Pearl Jam once did, originally naming themselves after Mookie Blaylock, an NBA point guard. So, how about naming your group after Jason Williams, the white point guard, who plays as if his game came from the West 4th Street courts, earning him the nickname ''White Chocolate?'' It's catchy, it represents your diverse image, and you could probably create a great logo that could be plastered all over notebooks and calendars.
You see, it's easy to start your own boy group and catapult yourself into pop music stardom and financial success. So why waste your time dissing the boy groups Eminem-style, when you could be reaping the benefits of boy band success?
So screw principles. Forget the concepts of ''musical talent,'' ''rhythm,'' and ''melody,'' and jump onto the boy group bandwagon with me. Call or e-mail the Spectator to audition for White Chocolate. We're already huge in Germany, and we don't even have a song out yet.
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