Come And Have A Go If You Think You're Hard Enough
Source: Music365.com
SHANE LYNCH and KEITH DUFFY have had a pop on their new single. They reckon themselves against Westlife, Five, Puff Daddy and Gary Barlow but how would they fare if our pop star favourites went at it mano a mano? Stand back as Music365's hardman assesses the chances of our favourite boy bands...
Goatees score highly as they show the ability to grow facial hair. Marks off for the blonde curtain haircut, the wimpiest haircut known to man.
THE LIKELY WINNERS: BOYZONE
Goatees 2 (Keith, Shane)
Blonde curtains 1 (Ronan, Keith)
Hard Man Keith Duffy, definitely. Was a garage mechanic, got involved in a fracas with Puff Daddy. Certainly the hardest man on show here.
Weak Link Ronan, of course.
Talk A Good Fight? No, unless you count 'When The Going Gets Tough', otherwise it's all soppy stuff.
Other Factors Together they're a good fighting team. The Edge from U2 reckoned 'They're a tough bunch...they'd give you a serious hiding.'
Verdict The hardest boy band. Get rid of Ronan and sing some hard songs and they'd be in the big leagues.
FIVE
Goatees 1 (J) (appears and disappears)
Blonde curtains 0.5 (Ritchie had them changed for a spiky new look)
Hard Man Ritchie, amazingly enough. He used to be in a band called 'Anal Beard' and used to work in a burger van and a pub. he's seen his fair share of trouble and must be one of those people who really goes psycho when he fights.
Weak Link Scott, who once had a curly perm when playing the part of Peter Pan. Lists his favourite record as 'Any 80s love song'. Say no more.
Talk A Good Fight? On record they're the hardest boy band. Check out the almost coherent 'Straight up Funk' 'Ah yes you'll check me out rugged and raw, It's all I can stand and I can't stand no more, I'm bugging, renegade hooligan damn'. Even namecheck 'J Hoffa' on 'It's The Things You Do'
Other Factors Abs licks people if they annoy him. No one hard is going to want to get too close to a licking boy band.
The Verdict Hard-talking and tough-looking, Five need a real hard man, otherwise they'd have to double team on Keith Duffy.
'NSYNC
Goatees 2 (Joey, Chris)
Blonde curtains 0
Hard Man Joey Fatone Jr, a tough 6 footer, with the nickname 'Superman'. His actual name suggests Mafioso links. Got to be a threat.
Weak link They might be let down by Justin Timberlake, the youngest member of the band, who has curly blond hair and admits to being 'scared of spiders'. What if a member of Five drops an insect on him? Finished.
Talk A Good Fight? Not really 'His style is whack, clothes are bad' on 'Makes Me Ill' is the closest they come.
Other Factors The boys regularly jab playfully at each other during press conferences, presumably training up in case they meet the Backstreet Boys down a dark alley.
The Verdict Joey is an impressive figure who needs more support. Five have the edge.
BACKSTREET BOYS
Goatees 3 (AJ, Kevin, Howie)
Blonde curtains 1 (Nick)
Hard Man Nick Carter. despite having the curtain-haircut. Poor Nick must have spend years on the playground defending his incredibly irritating younger brother Aaron.
Weak Link Regardless of the goatee AJ could leave the Backstreet Boys in trouble. He lists his hobbies as 'writing poetry, golf and shopping' he also has two dogs but they're Shih-tzus
Talk A Good Fight? Well, AJ hollers: 'I get ruthless when I get wet' on 'We've Got it Going On', whatever that means.
Other Factors Three out of the five are weightlifters. Lots of muscle then, but do they know how to use it?
The Verdict The weightlifting helps but these boys are to 'deep' to fight.
WESTLIFE
Goatees 0
Blonde curtains 2 (Bryan and Kian)
Hard Man Nick Byrne, used to play football for Leeds. Must have some combative spirit. But frankly doesn't look like it.
Weak Link Erm, all of them. Kian 'loves' aftershave, Mark plays tennis, Shane goes horse-riding, Bryan keeps a Shih-Tzu called Chip
Talk A Good Fight? God no. Even done a song called 'I Don't Want To Fight'
Other factors Bryan is the only member of Westlife over 6ft.
The Verdict Terrible. Down and out.
Is our man right? Are Boyzone the hardest band in pop? Who else could win this fight? Are Westlife that bad? Are blonde curtains that wimpy? Do goatee beards make you hard? Let us know what you think, send an e-mail to: [email protected]
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