A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


"Will somebody get this harridan off of me!" Bull Neck spluttered.

"HARRIDAN, eh?" his wife tried to choke the life out of him whilst all the other officers stood round in a circle, watching the show.

"Shouldn't we ought to do something?" The sergeant asked.

"This is a domestic affair. We investigate only when the parties involved actually ask us for help. Unless they are causing a breech of the peace."

"But they are!"

"Garbage. Anyone with half a brain cell can see they aren't disturbing anyone else in here."

Bull Neck looked as if he were about to pass out when his wife suddenly released her grip on him, trying to locate something or someone.

"Where is she?" the woman spat.

"Who?" squawked Bull Neck.

"Your other wife. Your bit on the side. The mother of your troupe of children�YOU DISGUSTING LOVE RAT!"

"I've never met her before!" he repeated.

"Where is she now? Gone back to your love nest, I suppose."

Everyone frowned as they scanned the station with their eyes for sight or sound of Lilith Demodae. "I told you!" Bull Neck hissed. "This is a wind up by all the rest of the boys. And you fell for it, you stupid old Nerf!"

"Stupid? Old?" The woman lashed out at him. "I knew she couldn't possibly have anything to do with you. She's far too young to need her eyes testing!"

"She's gone!" Bull Neck rubbed his battered and bruised larynx. "Where is she? If I find any of you had anything to do with this there will be blood caking the walls!"

A sharp tug on his sleeve brought him back to the real world. "Yes, what is it?" he bit out at the young teenager standing by his side.

"Delivery order for this station of one giant sized Sand Dune Pizza with all the trimmings and extra Takkini sauce." The youth smiled hopefully at him. "That will be 25 credits please."

*******

Rela yawned, bored as hell.

Things had really slackened off since Jem had gone back to the temple. As Obi-Wan and Simeon had disappeared she didn't even have them to tease anymore. Spider was nearly asleep where she sat, Meri had got talking to some young man who had bought her a drink and here she was: stuck in a sleazy looking dive where all the cocktails had very suggestive names. Mind you, she knew a lot worse.

//Not good,// thought Rela. //This is NOT good.//

One of the girls in the red and gold uniform came out of an adjoining room through the back, pulling at her dress as if in a conscious effort to get it to grow in length. Rela couldn't help but watch her agitated movement as she teetered dangerously on ludicrous high heels whilst carrying a large drinks tray laden with glasses.

"You get all kind in here." The dark haired girl was muttering to herself. "I've tied up a few in my time but I've never had to deal with ones that come already trussed up�" She felt Rela's eyes on her and looked at the redhead in wary silence for a moment. "What are you doing here, sweetie pie?" she asked after a moment of deliberation. "We don't have freelancers in here. I suggest you go find a pitch of your own if that's your game. Clear out before Madam Ying sees you and throws you out."

"Waddaymean, pitch?" Rela became indignant. "I'm waiting with some friends. We came in together."

"As I say, you get all kinds in here." The girl shrugged. "Sorry, I'm sure."

Rela's memory recalled the words the girl had said earlier and they began to nip at her for some unknown reason. "You said something about being trussed up?" Rela's bad feeling spread from her toes up to her legs, creeping slowly to encompass her whole body.

"Yeah. There are some weird people out on the streets." The girl snorted. "This one appeared wearing bandages on his arms, do you believe that? And if that wasn't bad enough, he ran out on me! That's loss of earnings on my part! Madam Ying won't be too happy, I can tell you."

"Earnings?" Rela gulped.

"You don't think I'm a charity case, do you? You'd think from his face that he didn't know this was a brothel."

Oh-My-God! I was right! The one time I really didn't want to be right, Rela groaned to herself. I knew this place looked too seedy to be true. If it doesn't spell out 'Get-It-Here' then I don't know what does! And to think poor Jemmy had to work in a place like this�

The thought made Rela shiver.

Well, if Obi-Wan had escaped then he certainly hadn't run this way and neither Jay nor Simeon had made it back either.

There was only one thing for it.

She would have to mount a rescue party to help save them. The thought occurred to Rela that they might not be too keen on being rescued, but it was for the good of their souls and they would thank her for it one day.

Rela sighed.

//Dream on,// she told herself.

*******

"Would any of you beautiful ladies like to�"

"No we wouldn't!" Vernice grumbled as the rather portly, sweaty man retreated back to his table looking thoroughly put out.

"I don't know what's wrong with them all." Leona squinted towards the back of the room where a tall, striking individual regarded her with a small purse of his lips.

Hmmmm, Leona found herself thinking to herself, not bad at all�

"They've been approaching us on average every five minutes and each time it's been 'How do you fancy a Trip to Paradise?' I mean, come on!"

"W-what's that then?" Vernice asked in a tipsy sounding voice.

"It's one of those fancy cocktails, isn't it?" Leona wondered out loud. "The sweet ones with the fruit cubes on sticks and little parasols?"

"He's winking at you." Depa hiccuped, nodding at the smooth, debonair gentleman some distance away.

Leona colored somewhat but politely raised her glass. When the stranger reciprocated Vernice and Depa started making little insinuating noises.

"Wooohooo!" Vernice nudged the healer. "Looks like you've scored a direct hit!"

"Has poor Qui-Gon been discarded already?" chuckled Billaba.

Leona squirmed in her seat. "Have we stumbled upon a dating agency by accident and not realized?" she frowned, lines creasing her normally smooth skin. "This has got to be the strangest eatery I have ever been to. Infact, if I didn't know any better I'd say�"

"We're in a brothel." Rela announced flatly as she joined the masters at their table.

"WHAT?!?" Vernice said in as shocked a tone as she could manage. She wasn't sure anything would really shock her ever again after this.

"A brothel." Rela repeated. "We are in a house of ill repute. One of the most ill I have ever seen, actually."

"You seen many?" Depa asked.

"Ha ha! If you want to save your precious padawans from being corrupted I would suggest a quick plan of action is required."

"Obi-Wan wouldn't!" Leona cried out.

"You're right. He wouldn't. But what about Simeon and Jay?" she looked round her swiftly. "And where is Kylenn?"

"Oh, Sith!" Ashdal yelped. "The last thing you want to do is get lost in a place like this. Let's go!"

"Where?" Billaba queried.

"Why is it people always ask for information when you haven't any to give?" Vernice grimaced as she shoved aside her seat.

Meri sat and stared into the greenest of green eyes she had ever seen in her life.

The young man sat opposite her, watching her as she knocked back her drink.

"Want another?" he asked.

"You wouldn't be trying to get me drunk, would you?" she grinned, her jaw feeling strained with all the smiling she had been doing.

"Now why should I want to do that?" he asked. "How would you like a Taste of Heaven?"

Vernice passed by, the others all following on in her wake. She stopped only to say the word "Brothel" to Meri and then continued to move forwards in search of her lost party.

Intoxicated as she was, the meaning of the word she had used sunk in nice and clearly. "Taste of Heaven?" she asked with a tremulous voice. "Mess with me pal and you'll get to see it a hell of a lot sooner than you'd like!"

Rela overhead the remark and hovered supportively behind Meri's drinking companion. "How about having something Hot in the Crotch of your Pants?"

"Sounds good to me." The man shook his head, a lascivious leer on his features. "What's that like?"

"You had to ask." Rela replied, tipping her flaming drink onto his lap.

The man screamed a scream that only the male of the species could fully comprehend. "Its other name is a Dead Phoenix." Rela grabbed Meri by the arm.

"Why is that?"

"Because," the smaller girl bundled her companion along, "the chance of anything rising from the ashes for a long time is remote."

*******

Obi-Wan had exited the room in a blind panic and instead of running back the way he had arrived, his legs, in a failed attempt to engineer his escape had hastened him in the opposite direction. He'd stopped for a brief moment on the stairway, unable to decide which way to take, when voices at the far end of the corridor persuaded him to seek temporary sanctuary in one of the nearby bedrooms.

A brothel. He was in a brothel!

It was the second he'd frequented, the first one not through choice at all. He'd hated Nargotria with a passion and only the fact that he'd actually met Jemmy there gave him the slightest crumb of comfort when thinking about the whole experience.

Diving into the nearest room, Obi-Wan commanded the low set lights to switch themselves off completely and then crawled on his knees until he reached the bed. With a slight grunt, he rolled under the gap and contented himself to wait until the voices had disappeared.

A faint brush of a familiar presence touched his mind�and then faded drowsily away again.

There was no time to ponder the curious feeling. Almost instantly the door swung open and two laughing voices could be heard entering the room, one male and one female. Well, just because he'd refused to succumb to the temptations of this establishment didn't mean he wasn't aware of the sorts of things that people got up to in these places. Valorum was rumored to visit brothels. So were many of the senators. Politicians, monarchs and Princelings, business men, actors, celebrities and your common man on the street had the same weaknesses as each other when it came down to it. Singers, entertainers, Jedi�

Jedi?

Obi-Wan recognized the Force presence of another in the room, stronger and definitely more awake than the other. With a shock he suddenly understood that the man in the arms of the giggling female was none other than Jay Abran.

He was even more horrified to realize that the other presence, probably curled up on the bed, was Kylenn! He'd had dreams like this, only it was rapidly degenerating into the stuff of nightmares. Jay barked with laughter. "The others all thought this was an eatery!" he muffled his voice in a small show of remorse. "I'm telling you, they'll be sitting there waiting on a double portion of roast Nerf and tubers to arrive!"

The girl twittered away, hanging onto his arm as if she were glued. "You are a very cruel man!" she smacked him on the arm.

"Careful!" he smiled at her. "You don't want to bruise me before anything more adventurous!"

"That answer deserves another smack!" she hit him playfully on the rump. "Let's turn up the lights a bit. I want to be able to se all the horrible things I'm going to be doing to you!"

Obi-Wan bit his lip to stop him from choking with glee.

"I wonder how my poor friends are getting on." Abran remarked. "Poor Simeon will probably come out in a rash. And Obi-Wan�well, he wouldn't dare. Not if he wants to keep his limbs intact and functional."

"Why?"

"He's got this little problem. It's called a girlfriend." Jay started to undo his tunic top. "Poor man, he doesn't know it but there's a secret bet going on amongst all the padawans that he and his lady love will be able to sneak off together at some stage. If he doesn't manage it by six in the morning I will have made an absolute fortune!"

"You know, you're quite something." The female voice said.

"So I've been told! I have numerous admirers around the temple fawning and drooling over me!" he answered in a self-mocking voice, although to Obi-Wan it sounded as if he rather believed it. "Some of them would be quite jealous of me. And as for others�" Jay chuckled. "If only little Kylenn could see me now!"

Obi-Wan could hear the footsteps nearing the bed and closed his eyes very, very tightly.

"Lights up two points." The woman called, her fingers brushing Jay's face. "I'm rather glad your friend can't see us."

There was a slight rustle from the sheets. "Oh yeah?" retorted a young female voice. "Have I got news for you!"

Even though he couldn't actually see his face, Obi-Wan could picture Jay Abran recoiling in shock at the voice of the interloper. The girl that Abran was in "negotiations" with gave a startled squeal of fright and backed away towards the window.

"Lights up five points!" a croaky voice demanded.

Obi-Wan would have placed his hands over his ears had they been free. Instead, he made do with shielding his presence like he used to do when he'd been a naughty initiate and didn't want the cr�che master to find out.

"K-Kylenn?" Jay gasped, audibly embarrassed at being caught with his tunic bottoms round his ankles, "W-what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same." Kylenn eyed him with heated disapproval. "But it seems fairly obvious!"

Jay went to grab his discarded tunic top from the floor in order to partially cover his nudity and whilst he was bent over something under the bed caught his eye�

"What about you!" Abran exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at the floor. "Miss sweetness and innocence! Sitting there with her newly polished halo as if she's just one stage a way from sainthood!"

"What are you talking about?" Imri felt strangely disturbed at her friend shouting at her like that. Jay never shouted at her. Ever.

"You! Having the temerity to insult my morals whilst you've got a man hidden under your bed!"

"I've�I've got a WHAT?" Kylenn looked stunned. "What hallucinogens are you taking?"

"I can see his booted feet sticking out from the side. And if you're so free of guilt then why have you got the lights out, lying on a bed with a man hidden underneath it, in a brothel? Checking for carpet mites, is he?"

"I'm lying on a bed," Kylenn trembled with untypical annoyance, "because I have spent the last half hour being sick in a fresher room that looks as if it has been visited by a dog with dysentery! I'm in the dark because my skull is being inhabited by a noisy Ewok playing the tree drums." Kylenn groaned. "And I'm in a brothel because - SITH! I'm in a brothel!" Kylenn clasped a hand over her mouth. "Jay Abran, you despicable object! You've taken us to a brothel!!!"

"As if you didn't know!" Jay pulled his tunic trouser pants up in two swift pulls on the legs. "How else do you explain your own piece of 'entertainment' that you've got stashed away under the bed?"

"I've done nothing of the sort." Yelled Kylenn.

"Then who is he?" Jay demanded.

"I don't know!"

Jay's female companion, who was in the process of covering herself up with the curtain drape, noticed one of Obi-Wan's boots moving and gave a scream.

"There IS someone under there!" she gestured frantically. "Perhaps it's some lunatic! You hear about them attacking girls�he could have a vibroblade on him!"

Jay gestured Kylenn frantically away from the bed and as soon as she had reached the relative safety of the other wall, the young Jedi stretched down in a lightening fast move and grabbed the boots, pulling on them hard and fast. Without unbound hands to stop him, Obi-Wan was dragged unceremoniously clear of the bed in a matter of seconds, his footwear finally coming off in Jay's hands.

"Sith!" Abran exclaimed in shock. "Kenobi?!? What are you doing under�"

He turned hurt eyes on Kylenn. "You and HIM?" he asked uncertainly. "What about poor Jemmiah?"

"I am NOT doing anything with Kylenn that I shouldn't." Obi-Wan scowled. "Unfortunately, as things stand the same can be said for me and Jemmy."

Jay stared at him in disbelief. "Well, you said it could be a lunatic. Here's your proof." He raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing under the bed?"

"I'd like to know that too." Imri sniffed.

"And me," the girl added. "I'm sure Madam Ying would like to hear it as well.

"I was hiding," Kenobi said, grinding his teeth.

"From who?"

"The carpet monster! What do you expect?" Obi-Wan hissed indignantly. "There's a half dressed, half crazed female chasing round after me with designs on my body! I ran and hid in this room, switched the lights off, heard you two arrive and secreted myself under the bed. If Jemmy ever finds out that I visited a brothel she will go banoodly! You have no idea how much she would hate it! Now," he growled in a low voice, "give me back my boots and socks, if you please."

"It does please." Abran pulled a disgusted face, tossing Obi-Wan his boots with the Force. "You've no idea how much. The smell is awful! How does Jemmy ever put up with those things that jokingly masquerade as your feet? You could irrigate a desert by wringing out one of your socks."

"Is that what the smell is?" the girl commented ruefully. "I thought a Corusca Pigeon had got stuck in the water pipes again."

Kenobi shot them all a blazing look. "Jemmy likes me fine the way I am." He sounded stung.

"Then she must really love you." The girl replied, replatting her golden hair. "Either that or she has no sense of smell."

"Get your shirt on, Jay. Stop showing off." Obi-Wan remarked, noticing how Kylenn's eyes couldn't help but stray to Abran's broad chest.

"Give me a chance!" grinned Jay, deliberately taking as long as he could. He turned to the girl. "What's your name?"

"Tabby," she replied.

"Well, Tabby I think maybe you should put on that very fetching little red and gold number again." He smiled at her, batting his lashes.

The girl sighed dramatically. "You Jedi are VERY strange. Strip one minute, dress the next�do you want me to do a head stand now?"

"Enjoyable as that would undoubtedly be," Jay's eyes twinkled wolfishly, "I think that perhaps�"

A sound caused Abran's jaws to snap shut suddenly and Obi-Wan strained his ears to pick up the noise that had prompted Jay into silence. There was very little that could normally achieve that. When he picked up on the source of terror his eyes became as round as saucers.

"QUICK!" He yelped, falling to his knees and beginning to crawl back to his old hiding place. "Under the bed, everyone!"

"But�" Tabby began, still in a partial state of dress.

"Just do it!" Jay pushed her after Kenobi who was still inching his way under on his stomach like a drunken centipede. "You too, Ky!"

"Awww, flip!" Kylenn, wary of her sore stomach muscles, lowered herself onto the ground. The surreal quality of the whole affair struck her suddenly as she realized that of the four of them crawling to safety, she was the only one who was fully dressed. When they had all hidden underneath in a row and squashed together like pilchards in a container, the only thing that could be seen were eight glittering eyes amidst a black backdrop.

"Why are we hiding?" Tabby whispered.

"Trust me, you don't want to know." Abran swallowed. "If all this becomes public knowledge then my life won't be worth a Bantha's ass!"

"You mean if Master Amaline finds out," Kylenn said devilishly.

"I think you've got a closet mean streak in you," he replied flatly.

"Nothing closet about it," Kylenn retorted matter-of-factly. "If you want silence it is going to cost you."

"What?"

"I won't tell anything about you and this person here," Kylenn nodded at Tabby, "If you forget about that, er, incident in the kissing game."

Jay frowned. "I'll think about it," he mumbled.

"What was that?" Kylenn managed to kick him on the leg.

"I said it is a deal."

"I thought that was what it was." She smiled to herself.

"Hush up, you two!" Obi-Wan chided as he closed his eyes again, concentrating. "If we get rumbled this is going to look very bad! Now start shielding."

The door creaked open and all four of the fugitives found themselves holding their breath. "Nothing here." Leona's voice sounded tense and frustrated. "Where could they have got to?"

"I hope they're alright." Depa answered back, concern flooding her words. "I knew I shouldn't have let Kylenn wander off like that! It was the Force trying to warn me! If anything's happened to her�especially with what nearly happened with Kryztan and Jemmy earlier."

"Yeah, poor Dex." Leona said quietly. "Well, I suppose we'd better check and see how Rela and Meri are getting on. There's nothing here�"

Depa cut her off by a single raised hand, walking slowly towards the window. "What is it?" Leona frowned. "Depa?�

"This." Depa found Jay's hastily dropped tunic top on the floor and dusted it down. "Abran's, who else?"

"The plot thickens." Leona blinked. "His master will ground him for a century."

"I'm not surprised." Depa picked up what at first glance appeared to be a small scrap of glittery cloth, which unfurled itself into the shortest of micro dresses imaginable. "Look at this! How can these girls allow themselves to wear things like this? I've seen larger bacteria!"

"The color's nice," Leona replied.

"You think so?" Depa held up the rich fabric against her own, plain Jedi robes.

"Hmmm. Maybe you're right. Think anyone would notice if I took this home?" Billaba joked. "Perhaps we could issue it as the new Jedi uniform!"

"I can't see Qui-Gon in one of these," Leona protested with a chuckle.

"With that hair? He's only one step away." Depa's eyes scanned the rest of the room. "Well, they couldn't have got very far without their clothing."

"Would a rude comment be appropriate at this stage?" Leona whistled.

"You've been spending to much time with Jemmiah." Depa shook her head. "Hello�what is this?"

Leona strained to see what Depa was referring to now, staring in surprise when the master held up a single calf length dark, standard Jedi boot. "Kenobi's." Billaba said without any hesitation.

"How can you tell?" Leona wondered.

"Take a sniff." Depa dropped the boot back onto the floor.

Under the bed, Obi-Wan bit the inside of his cheek to stop him from protesting. "So. What have we got evidence wise? One tunic top (Jedi issue), one red and gold dress (not Jedi issues as far as I know) and one rather mingy boot. What does that add up to?"

Leona thought about it briefly. "That divorce that Jemmiah was talking about." The healer rolled her eyes. "She will mince him if she thinks that he's been up to no good in a place like this."

"Yes, I'm surprised at Kenobi." Depa admitted. "I'm not surprised at Jay. Or Simeon for that matter."

Jay felt his nose begin to itch with all the dust. //I'm not going to sneeze, I'm not going to sneeze, I'm not�that would be a clich� and I hate those! I'm not going to.. //

Kylenn mouthed "What's wrong?" at him and Jay managed to wrinkle his itching nose. With his hands trapped tightly at his side he had no chance to stop himself should a sneeze render him helpless. Kylenn shot out a hand and held it mercifully under Jay's nose.

DON'T-YOU-DARE! She mouthed back.

"Should we wait here for them to return?" Leona wondered.

//No!// Obi-Wan thought.

"Yes, I think we should." Depa sat on the bed, twirling the dress round her finger. "You know, I think maybe you should try this dress on."

"Me!" Leona squeaked.

"Who is going to know? I won't tell anyone. And it looks like it's your size. Take off the dress that's falling to pieces and put this one on instead."

"I�I can't," Leona refused.

"Wonder what Qui-Gon would think if he saw you in this." Depa smiled.

"It's too young!" Leona blushed. "Jemmiah might get away with it but I certainly�"

"�Will never know if you don't have a go." Depa smirked. "Go on!"

Leona only gave in after a further minute of Depa's persistent arguing, although she too secretly wondered what she would look like in the opulent fabric. Would Qui-Gon like her in this? "Okay,"sShe sighed. "Give it here."

Jay closed his eyes furiously. The dust was really beginning to play havoc with him. If he didn't breathe so much�perhaps if he held his breath then that might help the irritation to calm a little. Abran inhaled deeply and willed his disquieted nose to stop itching. It was deeply unfortunate that this one little act of self-preservation had a knock on effect of seismic and embarrassing proportions.

The holding of his breath may have quieted his nose but it did not help the build up of gas in his lower intestinal tract. //Oh, Sith,// thought Abran with sudden clarity of thought. //Those sausages//

"Can I look yet?" Depa smiled. "Is it okay to peek?"

"Wait a moment." Leona tugged down on the fabric, hoping not to tear it. She was both petite and slender but this dress must have fitted someone of even more modest proportions than her. All she needed was a mirror.

"There's one over the bed." Depa pointed with a sneer.

Leona discarded that idea and decided to settle for Billaba's opinion instead. She held her arms out widely and gave a small pirouette. "What do you think?" she asked, posing.

The resounding noise that met her was not the answer she had expected.

"What the heck!" Billaba jumped back at the sudden flurry of activity from underneath the bed, as semi clad bodies began to retreat as rapidly as they could from their cramped positions.

"Sith! Abran, what the hell did you have to eat!" Kenobi couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"Sausages," Jay groaned.

Kylenn gave a small scream and extricated herself in as much haste as she could manage. "Remind me to never be stuck in a lift with you, EVER!" she yelped.

"This might be your idea of showing a girl a good time, but it sure isn't mine!" Tabby shrunk back.

"You are disgusting," Obi-Wan said simply.

Leona and Depa stood with open mouths at the shocking display infront of them. Kenobi had a boot missing (which was never a pleasant thing), Jay was missing his top, with his trouser pants threatening to fall at any moment, and the unknown girl that was with them was wearing her underwear only. Obi-Wan had stopped to briefly wish it was Jemmiah who was trapped with him and then sheepishly hauled himself to his feet.

This looked WORSE than bad, he admitted.

"What kind of sinful orgy of depravity is this?" Billaba snapped.

"Obi-Wan, what will Qui-Gon think?" Leona looked disappointed.

"Probably wish he'd been invited." Depa said out the corner of her mouth. "But that's irrelevant. I'm waiting for an explanation as to what you were doing under that bed."

Obi-Wan looked at his companions and nervously took the lead.

"Playing sardines?" he said hopefully.

*******

"Master?" Tanni's feline voice purred over the comlink. "Have you found anything yet?"

"No, not yet." Vernice sighed. "Rela and I are going to start searching the next floor. Apparently this 'business' extends further than we thought."

Tanni yawned hugely, a sound that Vernice managed to pick up over the transmission.

"Feeling tired, padawan?" she smiled. "Not to worry. As soon as we've found our miscreants we will be heading back for the temple."

"Is it that late?" the Togorian asked.

"No it isn't. It's that early. Keep on with what you are doing."

"I certainly will, Master," Welasa said smugly.

"And�well, I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for not getting mixed up in all this. Your behavior has been exemplary and I will heartily commend you for it when the inevitable enquiry into this affair is conducted. "

"Conducted, yes. Probably through a bowl of water and a large cable," Tanni rumbled. "If Master Yoda has anything to do with it."

Vernice was tempted to correct him but thought better of criticizing him for telling the truth. Yoda would get very annoyed, although probably more with the masters than the padawans. She imagined that Qui-Gon and Mace in particular would come in for some flak. Especially Qui-Gon, seeing as how he'd been Yoda's padawan for so many years.

He made for a very large and tempting target.

"I'll check with you in another ten minutes, okay?" she asked.

"Yes Master."

The Togorian cut the transmission and sank back into the cushions with a very contented expression on his bewhiskered face. Arching his neck so that the caressing fingers could continue their petting, the big cat eyed his companions with faint amusement.

"We've got ten minutes," he mewed. "What can we get up to in that time?"

*******

"Do I have to do this?"

"You'll be fine."

"But�"

"Just focus on what you are doing."

Frantic scrambling sound of moving material and bedsprings.

"Look, this wasn't a smart plan."

"But surely you want to please me? And I'll even pay YOU."

"I'm only doing this for the cash, just so long as you know. I spent all my money on Takkini chips."

"You'll be well rewarded for your services."

"I s'pose it might work up an appetite. Mind you, I'm already quite hungry."

"I'll see what I can do to accommodate you."

Pause.

"I like to see a man flex his muscles."

"Sorry?"

"Here, you're making a mess. Let me help."

"I'm not used to this sort of thing."

"I can tell."

Giggle.

"I don't normally hire myself out like this."

"As long as I get what I pay for."

"Oh, damn. It's fallen again."

"Can't you keep it straight?"

"What do you think I'm trying to do?"

Giggle.

Rela pressed her ear hard against the doorway of the last room before the stairway that led up to the next floor, listening intently to the two voices that bantered back and forth like two people haggling at a market. The lower, older voice was definitely that of a woman. The younger voice was male, slightly scared and -above all else that was apparent to Rela Quinn - Simeon Cates.

Found him, thought Rela as her evil grin intensified. Sounds like he's up to something that the naughty boy shouldn't be. Now, what could that be?

Did she really want to know?

Yes she did!

Rela got even closer to the door, if that was possible, desperate not to miss one single part of the conversation. Mind you, it wasn't difficult to miss.

"Maybe I've not got this in the right position�" Simeon said hoarsely.

"At least you keep trying. I like a trier."

"I'm still not satisfied."

"It'll be okay. Trust me. You just need some patience."

"But it's all wrinkled!"

"Such is life!"

"Oh, no�"

"Rela! What do you think you are doing?"

Rela spun round guiltily to face the suspicious figure of Vernice Ashdal making her way over from the room directly opposite. How was she supposed to tell her the kind of things that she imagined Simeon was getting up to?

"I'm listening," she said uncomfortably.

"To what?"

"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. Sounds like Simeon having his wicked way with some floozy."

"Rela! You can't listen to that! Get your head away from that door this instant! It's not proper." Vernice motioned a clearly reluctant Rela away and then put her own ear to the door.

Hellfire!

"It just doesn't seem to be working." Cates said in a dejected voice. "It doesn't want to hang correctly no matter what I do. And if I put this along here then�whoops! You see? There it goes again! Talk about frustration!"

"It does seem to have a mind of its own." The woman agreed. "Try holding it to the left�"

"Owch!"

"Have you hurt yourself?"

"Just a small injury."

"Let me kiss it better."

"Very kind of you, I'm sure. But I think I'll just keep going with this, if you don't mind."

Vernice couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Simeon's mouth. An-Paj would have a fit if he were to hear all this vulgarity�and as for what was going on inside Vernice shuddered to think.

"We're going to rescue him." Ashdal decided in a firm tone of voice that brooked no question.

"How?"

"I don't know! If he won't come quietly then we'll have to�tie him up."

"Sound as if he'd quite enjoy that." Rela sniffed.

"Don't argue." Vernice put her fingers on the handle.

"Hey! It's up and working!" Simeon crowed.

"I knew you could do it." The female voice replied warmly. "And just to show how grateful I am, how about I treat you to a half price�"

"NOW!" Ashdal burst through the door and charged over to a shocked Simeon and a faintly amazed Madam Ying.

"You're coming out with us." Vernice shouted. "Rela, get his shoulders."

"No way! I don't want the end that bites! I've heard all the horror initiate stories from Obi-Wan. I know the cr�che masters still have his dental imprints on their arms after all these years and show them off as trophies!"

"I've got the end that kicks! Do it!"

Simeon went from shock to terror in one fell swoop.

"Wait a minute, I haven't been paid!"

"You cheeky young scamp! An-Paj will tan your hide!" Ashdal dragged him away by the middle.

"That's if someone else hasn't already, huh? Huh? HUH?" Rela insinuated.

"But I was only�"

"I don't care what you were only!"

"I haven't finished with him yet." Madam Ying grabbed hold of Simeon's arms and pulled him back towards him. "I've an account to settle up."

"You're not having him!" Vernice pulled back.

"Too late, I fear." Rela grinned, stepping back to watch the great Cates tug-of-war that was taking place in the middle of the room.

"I pay my debts, just like I expect all my customers to pay theirs!" Madam Ying's eyes narrowed into reptilian slits. "I have some unfinished business to attend to."

"She has, she has!" Simeon panted.

"No she hasn't!" Ashdal pulled him back.

"Yes I have!" Ying hauled him in her direction.

Rela stood with folded arms as Simeon was unceremoniously tugged backwards and forwards like two dogs scrapping over a favorite blanket. She began to feel very sorry for the poor padawan. If Obi-Wan thought he was unlucky then he had nothing on this boy.

"I know I said I wished I was taller but this is ridiculous!" Simeon gasped as he was pulled back towards the proprietor.

"For the last time." Ashdal steeled herself for a Force-energized effort, "You are coming with me!"

"Please, wait a sec�" Simeon felt himself being sucked backwards like a torpedo launch in reverse, only this time Madam Ying made a last ditch attempt to hold onto her young prize. Grabbing him by the bottom of his tunic, the sultry female struggled to propel the boy towards her but this time only succeeded in pulling his top over his head so that Simeon was temporarily blinded.

Whilst Madam Ying had grabbed Simeon's top, Vernice had grabbed his trouser pants.

Cates was at first struggling to find a reason as to why he it suddenly felt very chilly round his nether regions and his middle. Vernice, however, was quick to seize her chance.

"Quick, let's go, go, GO!" she yelled.

"Don't you think you're getting a trifle excited?" Rela wondered as she helped Vernice to toss the young man over her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Ashdal panted as they began to jog down the corridor. "It's just that they always say that on holo shows and I've always wanted to do that."

"Put me down!" Simeon's cry was muffled but indignant.

"Better pull your pants back up, Cates." Rela drawled. "You don't want to come out in Goosebumps�oh, sorry. You already have!"

"You just wait!"

"Why? What are you so scared that I might do? Draw smiley faces on your buttocks?"

Simeon remembered the practical joke the pair of them had played on Obi-Wan in the infirmary and nearly died at the thought. "I've done nothing wrong!" Simeon protested.

"Not from what we heard." Ashdal growled.

"I was only helping her to hang up the curtain!" Simeon replied.

Ashdal stopped in her tracks. "Sorry?" she asked disbelievingly.

"The curtain! It had special ornamental hooks that she couldn't get to clip on properly, so she asked if I would help her to put the curtain up."

"Oh dear." Rela sighed, looking anything but unhappy.

"Ah,"was Vernice's only comment.

Simeon wriggled and struggled against his imprisoning cocoon of Jedi tunic fabric to no avail. "What did you think I was doing?" he asked.

"Well," Rela laughed, "You ARE in a brothel, you know."

"A WHAT?!?" Shrieked Simeon. "Get me out of here! My master will skin me alive and serve what's left of me to Quirida-Xac in a nourishing casserole!"

"Heaven forbid." Shuddered Vernice. "The idea of Quirida-Xac getting his teeth round anyone is enough to make a person violently sick."

The sound of multiple feet, tired and weary by the way they scuffed the carpet, making a slow progress towards the threesome cause Vernice to wonder about her own padawan. Voices, emotional and disgruntled echoed against the walls, distorted but none the less fed up in tone.

"There's nothing wrong with my feet!" a familiar voice caused Rela to chuckle quietly.

"You are kidding." Abran was saying. "On a scale of putrefaction your feet come in somewhere between the evil undead and a decomposing skunk!"

"At least I wasn't responsible for the repulsive odor under the bed," Kenobi grumped.

"Yeah, Jay. I think that's a bit rich, coming from the Flatulence King."

"Shut up." Abran tried to control the ominous sounds from his stomach.

"What about that dress?" Depa asked Leona. "Aren't you going to give it back?"

"I can't get it off! It's too tight. I might have to cut it off when I get back. That Tabby creature made me pay for it, and it considering the almost non-existent size of the thing I'm not sure it was worth it!"

Depa smiled. "Just think of all the workmanship, all the hand embroidery and rich, luxurious threadwork. Think of all the people who sweated over that garment whilst creating it."

"Think of all the people who've sweated over it, full stop." Meri grumbled.

Leona screwed her face up at the very idea.

"At least we weren't the ones who got caught with our pants down." Kylenn said virtuously with a side-glance at Jay. "I can't believe you would do something like that�it's so disgusting!"

"Give me a break." Jay moaned.

"It's not like any of the rest of us have misbehaved�"

Kylenn's words were no sooner out of her mouth when they stumbled over the wheezing Vernice, accompanied by Rela and a still semi-naked Simeon draped over the Jedi's body.

"Oh, not you as well,"groaned Depa. "What is it with the youth of today? Can't they keep their mind off it for more than fifteen seconds?"

"Actually," Obi-Wan said in an authoritative voice, "I think you'll find that's ten seconds on average."

He saw everyone's stares alight upon him. "Allegedly." He gulped.

Vernice deposited Simeon on his feet and left Leona to help sort out the poor man's clothes into a more dignified order, much to the amusement of the others. "Pipe down, all of you." Vernice instructed sharply. "You are in enough trouble as it is. I have to collect Tanni. Quite what he's going to say to all this I really wouldn't know�"

*******

Vernice would have shook her head at the goings on during the course of the night but feared that with the amount of alcohol she had consumed that might not be the best thing to do. Her hand strayed instinctively to the comlink so that she could summon her dutiful padawan to her side, one of the few who were entirely blameless. Tanni had been an absolute blessing.

Maybe she was being too critical, she considered briefly. After all, boys would be boys and girls would be girls whether they were Jedi or not. Sometimes she felt that people would mix up Jedi with saints and be disappointed if they didn't meet with their overly high expectations.

Something began to tug at Vernice's mind. A feeling�something nagging her.

The comlink was replaced into her robe pocket and cautiously and extremely stealthily the Jedi began to creep towards the place that the Force seemed to directing her towards. Her feet skimmed the plush carpet and barely made an indent, so careful she was to remain undetected.

She tried to brush minds with Tanni and found to her shock the padawan was shielding from her.

Thinning her lips, Vernice once again found herself waiting by a door in order to spy on a padawan. Only this time he was hers. She tried to probe mentally at the shields but found the barriers to be strong and unpenitrable. Damn!

Well, there was only one thing for it�

Putting a shoulder to the door, Vernice burst into the room in search of her apprentice. The sight that met her stopped any coherent words for the best part of a minute.

Tanni looked up guiltily.

"Why can I smell fish paste?" Vernice asked menacingly.

*******

Rela looked up at the vast array of stars twinkling above them as the little group trudged back towards the temple bus that would carry them home. It all seemed something of an anti-climax, when all was said and done. The mayhem, the madness, the laughter, the arguments, the frayed tempers, the general chaos�all banished from the minds of the individuals who had now only one concern: to locate their beds and sleep the centuries away.

//I never even noticed things like stars whilst I was drinking,// Rela thought with wonder as she stared up at the night sky. Little things that people took for granted such as sunsets and the cold, purple dawn of morning just completely passed her by in a haze of alcohol induced insensibility. She'd visited that particular hell and was determined, now more than ever after tonight's drunken display by her Jedi friends, never to return there again. For the moment she was content to regard her companions as they struggled towards the transport that awaited their return.

That last round of drinks had been an absolute killer.

After the events of the brothel, Tanni had tried to suck up to his master by offering to buy everyone a couple of drinks in the nearest cantina. It had worked, too.

They'd all entered the establishment in varying degrees of inebriation and had exited; one and all, feeling utterly confused. Simeon had to be reminded at one stage who he was. Rela couldn't help but smile, feeling certain that An-Paj would come up with the most imaginative ways to jog his memory. And when he did finally remember he probably would wish he hadn't.

"Hey, er�" Simeon frowned, dark eyes contriving to look red and wasted even in the dark. "Sorry, I've forgotten who you are."

"Rela," the girl supplied.

"No kidding? I know someone called Rela, I'm sure of it."

"Yeah, me." Rela glared. "I didn't think I was that forgettable."

"Oh." Simeon blinked.

"Cates, you are plastered, blotto, molassed�should I go on?"

"No thanks." Simeon swayed unsteadily. "You're dressed funny."

Rela looked down at her clothing. What was that strange boy talking about now? "What's so funny about it?" she asked, looking at her still vomit-stained boots. She was never going to let Jemmiah forget that.

"You know." Simeon pointed a wavering finger. "Different."

"In what way?"

"I think he means," Abran staggered over to Simeon and placed an arm on his shoulder to stop him from falling over, "you're not like us. You're not a Jedi."

"Are we Jedi then?" Simeon asked. "Is that what we are?"

"Why do you think we are going back to the Temple?" Jay slapped Simeon on the face a couple of times. "Hello in there! Wakey-wakey! Coruscant to Simeon?"

"Where's the Temple?" Cates asked in a fatigued voice.

Jay turned round and pointed into the distance at a tall shape against the inky sky, lights shimmering and winking like multiple heartbeats.

"You see that?" he asked.

"No."

Jay took hold of Simeon's jaw and pulled his head round. "It would help if you were looking in the right direction," he mumbled. "That thing there? The big object shaped like an ob�an obel�an�oh, I dunno!" Abran gave up. "The tower."

"You mean the sticky-uppy pointy thing?" Simeon squinted.

"Yes. The big sticky-uppy pointy thing. That's it exactly. You see that?"

"No." Simeon sighed.

Jay groaned. "I give up. He's wasted."

"Are you any better?" Rela asked as the temple bus became visible.

"I don't care. I'm going home where I shall fall into bed and not even bother to get undressed." Abran said without a care in the world.

"What, after taking all your clothes off in the brothel?" Rela cocked her head to one side. "Have you tired of it so soon?"

They traipsed up the ramp that led into the transport looking exhausted, drunk, ill and any number of descriptive words that Rela could have chosen. Obi-Wan in particular looked as if he were about to sleep on his feet. He stopped at the top of the slope and turned to his friend.

"You won't mind me asking this?" Kenobi said seriously.

"I don't know. What were you going to say?" Rela felt alarmed. "What's wrong?"

Obi-Wan tried to find the right words. "It's not wrong." He continued. "It's just that�"

"What?" Rela pressed.

"You don't live at the Temple. What the Sith are you doing with us?"

"I tried to tell her," Simeon's voice echoed from inside.

"No you didn't! You said I was dressed strangely!" Rela swore.

"Same thing," Cates replied.

"Baldrons!" Rela caught Spider's arm as she started to follow Obi-Wan sleepily up the ramp. "Uh-uh. No you don't. We have to walk all the way back where we came from. Thanks to some people." She gritted her teeth.

"Don't have a go at me. I am not the keeper of Rela Quinn's mind." Obi-Wan's eyes shut.

"My home is nearer than yours," Spider said feebly. "How about you crash there for the night?"

"Fine," Rela said reluctantly. "See you later, Scrub Brush. Hope Qui-Gon doesn't kill you too badly."

Obi-Wan stared at the pair as they walked back in the direction they had just come from. He felt sorry to see them go. In a way he was disappointed that it was all over. Especially as Rela had so cruelly reminded him that there were only a few hours between now and the threatened lynching that Qui-Gon had promised for both he and Jemmy.

He could just about make out Rela's voice as she retreated into the night informing Spider that under no circumstances was she sleeping in the same room as her snakes. "The airing cupboard is free." Spider remarked distantly.

"Ah, shut up!" Rela pulled the girl along.

And then they were gone.

"Are you planning on spending the whole night out there or do you wish to walk home?" Depa asked tersely.

"I can feel a through breeze," Simeon complained.

"Try closing your mouth," Meri answered.

Obi-Wan sighed and took up his own seat on the transport. On the way there he had been sitting with Jemmiah, her head resting against his shoulder. Now he was returning separately. Not what he had expected when the evening had begun. Then again, many things had happened that he wouldn't even have given credence to. Looking about him he could see the same misery reflected in the faces staring vacuously ahead. They were all thinking the same thing.

They were in big, big trouble.

He still hadn't been able to spend any time alone with Jemmy. He was beginning to think he'd been cursed. And the idea of Jay Abran and several others making money out of his predicament annoyed him immensely.

Well, the night wasn't over yet. If anyone thought the little matter of two broken wrists, a girlfriend with concussion and healers putting out roving patrols on the wards was going to come between him and a night of passion they had another think coming�