A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


Cough.

"Do you HAVE to do that?" Jemmy grumbled as Letina tried to choke back the irritation in her throat.

"It's hardly my fault," she wheezed. "And don't have a go at me, Jem. It's not my fault you attacked that gambler with a bottle and got yourself all sliced up."

"Yeah, yeah," she replied, holding tightly onto the camera. "Sorry."

Sybelle, who had been fussing over her smuggler boyfriend, exchanged amused glances with Letina. "Awww. Isn't that sweet?" she cooed at the Corellian.

"What?"

"Your face. If you could only see it."

"What's the matter with my face?" Jemmy frowned.

"It's got I'M A SAPPY LOVESICK TEENAGER written across the forehead in big thick letters," Sybelle laughed.

"No it doesn't," Jemmy denied it instantly.

"Yes it does!" Sybelle snorted. "You've been moping around ever since this crate took off for the Temple."

"I just don't like the infirmary. The idea of going back there doesn't exactly fill me with joy," Jemmy shot back a little too quickly.

"Of course, that's it." Sybelle smirked. "We believe you. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that lover boy was left behind whilst you've been shipped back in pieces."

Jemmiah said nothing.

The idea of being in love with someone, properly in love - not infatuated or just having a laugh - was a completely alien concept to her. She'd been out with a good few individuals in her time. On Nargotria she'd been forced to do things that she'd rather not recall, but none of it was done for love. The feelings she had for Obi-Wan were different to the others she'd experienced before but they'd only been going out for a matter of four weeks. To start with she'd said yes out of the excitement and daring of the idea, but then her feelings and emotions had become surprisingly strong. It wasn't something she was used to and it wasn't necessarily something she liked�

"I just wished both our pieces were shipped back together," she caught herself saying.

Letina raised a quirky brown eyebrow and met Sybelle's stare. "BESOTED," they both nodded together.

*******

"What is she doing?!?" Obi-Wan gestured with his head.

"I believe this is your diversion. Get ready," Spider answered.

"To do what?"

"This is your plan! Why don't you actually work something out?" Spider despaired of him.

Obi-Wan cast a final look over to Rela and scurried away like a cockroach trying to avoid a pest exterminator. He saw his master sit back smugly and suddenly got the idea that something new was afoot.

"I have perfect musculature," Jinn was saying.

"For a bacteria, yes!" Dex laughed as he removed his other sock.

"Is that right?" Qui-Gon gritted his teeth. "Then I challenge you!"

"To what?"

"To do what Sal-Fina did. Once round the block. No clothing. No cheating."

"Done!"

"Good!" Qui-Gon grinned. "Step outside!"

The moment Obi-Wan made it to within hailing distance of the table he knew he was too late. That look in Qui-Gon's eye told him as much. He saw his master stand and move to the door, with his clothing (what he wasn't wearing) rolled into a bundle under his arm. Dex followed suit and headed towards the exit.

No, please! Not what Sal-Fina did, Obi-Wan could have cried.

Rela deftly jumped up on the bar looking as if she had done it several times before. She put two fingers in her mouth and quickly produced a shrill whistle, which broke through the noise in the bar.

�Excuse me! Can I have everyone�s attention, please!� she yelled out.

All eyes quickly turned towards her. Although some screamed in protest at having to be torn away from the show the Jedi were putting on.

�I would like to sing you a little song in honor of the illustrious Jedi, who have blessed us with their presence tonight.� she announced with a grin. �Ladies and Gentlemen and beings of all ages! I give you The Jedi Master Drinking Song!�

Sarsee Tinn is very into gin
And is very rarely stable.

Yaddle, Yaddle has a boozy battle
And can drink you under the table.

Plo Koon who can out consume
Master Depa Billaba,

And Berlingside is a beery swine
Who is just as blitzed as Biwo.

There�s nothing Mace Windu couldn�t teach you
�Bout the raising of the wrist.
Master Yoda, himself, was permanently pissed.

Even Piell, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shady was particularly ill.
An-Paj, they say, can stick it away-
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Adi Gallia, Adi Gallia is a bugger for the flask.
Jinn is fond of his dram.

And Eeth Koth is a drunken froth,
�I drink, therefore I am.�

Yes, Master Yoda, himself, is particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he�s pissed.

Amid the applause and laughter Rela jumped off the bar and walked back over towards Obi-Wan, who was left staring after the exit in a somewhat distressed fashion.

�That was helpful,� he muttered sarcastically.

�It was all that I could come up with on short notice,� Rela protested.

�All I want to know is where did you hear it.� he calmly asked.

�What do you mean �hear it�? I just made that up!�

Obi-Wan looked at her. "Then you'd better start making up a plan of action." He grimaced. "Because it looks as if we are in BIG trouble."

*******

"OK." Jinn stared straight ahead of him.

"Wait a moment�" Dex struggled to free himself of the last of his clothing. "That's it. What do we do with our tunics and stuff?"

"Leave them here. We'll get them when we come back. Hide them under that step with the hole in it." Qui-Gon started to shiver with the cold.

"Once round the block?"

"That's what I said."

Dex rubbed at his freezing arms. "Sith it's cold," he complained.

"Just remember. Your focus determines your reality."

"Does it? Well, in that case my reality is very cold and limp on account of my focus having icicles hanging off it." He shook.

"Okay, don't moan about it." Qui-Gon took a deep breath, forcing a smile. "We are going to be off and around that block before you can say Master Yoda! May the least flabby and fittest Jedi win. Which is me."

"Me!" grinned Dex. "Time to do some serious running�"

That's what you think," a voice from the shadows replied.

Qui-Gon and Dex spun round.

"Well, Master Jedi. We meet again."

"I don't think we've met." Dex frowned.

"Not you, mister. Him!" The strangely familiar sounding voice was matched by an unfortunately memorable face. "The wiseguy who thinks it's funny to leave people stranded up fountains as naked as the day they were born."

Bull Neck grinned and spoke into his comlink. "I've got them Sergeant. Take them away!"

The two Jedi stared at each other in disbelief.

"That's it boys, round 'em in!"

*******

Krelo and Lilith poked their heads around the corner, Krelo with the holo cam she remembered she'd shoved in Lilith's bag catching every detail and word, as the two masters looked at each other and set off at a Force assisted run, the Watch hot in pursuit.

Lilith burst into laughter, holding herself up against the wall, trying to keep from falling. The shorter Jedi woman tried very hard not to laugh and succeeded, her eyebrows quirked in an extremely puzzled and worried manner. "Well, Lil? Are we going to help them, or steal their clothes so that they'll have to buy them off of us when they eventually get back?"

Lilith smirked at the two retreating backsides and thanked the Force she had remembered Krelo's holocamera. She stared back and forth between the cops with the skyclad Jedi Masters and the pile of tan clothing peeking out from under the step.

"It's not like Qui-Gon has any money left to buy his clothes back with," Lilith reminded Krelo with a mournful tone. The red head turned to look at her friend and noted the wicked gleam in her eyes with only mild trepidation.

"What are you thinking, Lil? You worry me when you smile like that."

"I'm thinking that there has to be some poor, homeless soul around here somewhere who would be horribly grateful for clean, warm clothing like what's sitting abandoned under that step behind us."

"Lil, you can't mean to sell their clothing to a homeless person?!" Krelo exclaimed.

Demodae affected a shocked, scandalized expression. "Absolutely not." The wicked smile came back full force then. "I'm just going to give those clothes away."

That said, she scooped up the two large bundles and headed for the nearest alley, intent on finding the most worthy and needful persons she could to be the recipients of the Jedi's generosity.

*******

Force assisted or otherwise, the escape was not long in duration.

Things had been going well. As well as could be expected when you were dashing round Coruscant without a single stitch on your body. In fact, just when Qui-Gon and Dex had thought they were in the clear they managed to run smack bang into a smelly old beggar woman who was running towards them in the other direction.

BANG!

Qui-Gon was still seeing stars by the time the security caught up with them. Dex was lying on the ground, moaning and doubled over. The last thing Jinn saw as he wearily raised his head was the dirty beggar woman limping very quickly into the distance�

"Well, what have we here?" Bull Neck smiled. "You should really get up from there. You might catch your death of cold. Like, say, sitting up a fountain with nothing on."

"You are not going to let that go, are you?" Jinn gasped.

"Let it go? You are kidding! I've been waiting all evening to do this. You are under arrest!"

"Ar-arrest?!" Berlingside managed to squeak. "You can't be serious!"

"Listen pal, I have spent the evening chasing joyriding skipjackers with no sense of road or air safety. I've had reports of frenzied stampedes in strip joints, cantinas burning down, perverts playing lewd and libidinous games involving the groping of young women and attempted murders in freshers. I've heard tales of wild lynch mobs rampaging the streets, naked females out for a late night jog, fist fights, bottle fights, blaster fights, people masquerading as security officers, crazy drunken Jedi doing indecent things to statues�" He straightened up to his full height. "�And the final piece of excrement in the sewer pipe that is my life: some joker stripping me of my clothes and sitting me on a trident in a fountain on the coldest evening in recent memory!"

He glowered at Qui-Gon.

"Is it any wonder that when I hear further reports of the Second Coming of the angel of death that I should think instantly of you?"

He peered at Berlingside's face. "Is that lipstick you're wearing?"

"Well, er.." Dex tried to make his voice sound deeper and more butch. "You know how it is. You have a little too much to drink�"

"Drunk as well as indecent exposure!" Bull Neck grinned. "This just gets better an better. Clamp 'em, Sergeant!"

"Eh?" The younger man blinked. "What was that sir?"

"The binders! Put the cuffs on 'em!"

"Where about?" The sergeant continued to give Dex and Qui-Gon some very peculiar looks.

"Their wrists, idiot boy!" Bull Neck indicated that Qui-Gon and Dex should put their hands out together.

"I dunno." The Sergeant muttered. "Never clamped a naked man before."

"Then it's your lucky day!"

Dex offered a small but confident smile. "Don't worry about it, Qui. I'll get us out of this." He raised his hands as if in compliance with the officer's instructions and then gave a deft little flick of his fingers.

"You will release us without caution," Dex commanded, using the force to influence the man's mind.

"That's what you think." Bull Neck grabbed the binders off his Sergeant and slammed them down hard round the wrists of the two stunned Jedi.

"It didn't work, Dex," Qui-Gon said in a clipped tone.

"Awwwww, Sith Sith Sith Sith Sith!" Dex grimaced. "You try it."

Qui-Gon tried the same trick he tried previously on the man to good effect but this time he had no luck whatsoever. "Why has the force deserted us both in our hour of need?" Qui-Gon moaned. "Surely we're not THAT drunk!"

"Maybe it's that stuff�" Dex replied desperately. "Maybe it's dampened our force abilities. Maybe our midichlorians are drunk! I tell you, after what's happened earlier this evening NOTHING would surprise me."

"Move, the pair of you." Bull Neck motioned them forwards.

Qui-Gon and Dex exchanged frantic looks. If this ever got back to Yoda he would turn them into coat racks to hang his stick on�

*******

"Master Windu!" Obi-Wan begged. "Please! This is urgent!"

"So is my drink, Kenobi. Now kindly remove yourself from my presence so that I can give it the specialist attention it requires."

Obi-Wan turned puppy dog eyes on Vernice and Depa. "They are about to be arrested!" he said in a despairing voice.

"Who are?" Vernice asked.

"Master Berlingside and my master!" Obi-Wan replied.

A small fountain of alcohol seamed to spring from Leona's nose, eyes and ears as she choked, even though Obi-Wan knew it was impossible. Depa whacked her resoundingly on the back, which didn't so much help the coughing as add a few more bruises to the ones she'd already picked up during their escape from the strip club. "They're WHAT?!?" she exclaimed once her voice and her senses had returned to her.

"Arrested! You've got to do something." He stared as the shock began to set in.

"So we will." Vernice smiled. "We'll give 'em a little wave as they're carted away!"

"Ver, it's not funny, really!" Depa warned. "Yoda will be extremely unhappy. The whole council will be upset�" she looked at Mace who was in the process of pouring ale down his throat. "Except for him."

Leona hurried towards Mace and pulled him by the arm. "Get out there and DO something!" she snapped. "You're on the council! You are second only to Yoda!"

"No way," Mace refused. "Every time those two get into trouble it's always me that has to go in there and save them. And it's always me that comes out stinking of Bantha dung! What's wrong with you?"

Leona looked embarrassed. "I'm sort of�known to them," she gulped.

"You?" Mace eyed her as if seeing her in another light. "What have you done?"

"They think I'm�er.. a woman of the streets by the name of Lola Divine."

Mace looked startled for a moment. Then he threw his head back and howled with laughter. "It's NOT funny!" Leona said shrilly. "They are supposed to be your friends!"

"What do you want me to do?" Mace asked.

"I don't know�say you'll bail them out!"

"What with?"

"Invisible money!" Vernice waved her hand.

"Oh, this night just gets better and better," Mace growled.

"Master Windu, PLEASE!" implored Kenobi.

Mace closed his eyes. "I'm not sure what I'll be able to achieve." Windu gritted his teeth.

"Just tell them you're the evil one. That will impress them." Vernice smirked.

Mace pulled at the neck of his robe and stood up, placing the empty ale glass on the table. "It's a times like this I realize I am the only sane being on this planet," he said, as he readjusted his bandanna.

Depa put her arms comfortingly over Obi-Wan's shoulders. "You know, Ver. Maybe Jemmiah was right."

"How's that?"

"Going for a young man." She nodded at the padawan. "You might as well in the long run. It's not as if they mature anyway."

*******

Simeon sighed.

It was dull. The whole place had the atmosphere of the temple morgue. Ever since Jemmiah had left�

Rela and Spider had decided to complete their diversion by ordering the most horrendous drink they could imagine. And then Rela was going to look on in considerable pleasure as everyone got completely smashed.

"There is one drink that not even I would have tried." She had grinned. "It's called the Korrassi Enema."

"Why?" Simeon asked suspiciously.

"Because after drinking one of these you will never need to purge your system ever again, guaranteed," Rela had answered gleefully.

And so everyone that was still left in the cantina crawl and had not been shipped home for surgery or was running naked round the streets of Coruscant lined up in a row to drink the rather harmless and chocolatey looking drink in front of them.

"Is this it?" Vernice asked.

"Yes," Rela snickered. "Makes Red Volcano more of a fizz than a bang." She walked over to a rather unhappy looking Obi-Wan. "I'll help you to drink yours," she said as she took in the long line of concerned faces. Simeon, Meri, Kylenn, Dimallie, Tanni, Vernice, Jay, Depa, Ambianca (still holding her master's clothing like a dog waiting the arrival of its master with slippers in its mouth) and Spider.

"I'm not sure." Kylenn responded.

"What are you guys? Vrelts or Jedi?"

"Ask me once I've finished grooming my tale," Simeon squeaked.

"Let's show some solidarity whilst we're waiting to go to the last cantina." Rela replied. "Are we all ready? All together then. One, two, THREE�"

*******

The next thing Obi-Wan remembered was walking around the streets with his head at a definite angle. Simeon seemed to be crawling on his hands and knees and Jay was throwing up in the gutter.

"How did we get out here?" he asked.

"I've got no idea," Simeon coughed.

"I said I thought that we should get some fresh air," Rela answered. "Next thing I know everyone has followed me out!"

"One drink," Spider gasped. "How can one drink do that to a person?"

"I did warn you." Rela shrugged.

Vernice staggered across the road in an unruly zigzag motion. "Who cares! That was great! HIC!" she smiled, eyes glazed over.

"And�and who needs men anyway?" Depa slurred.

"Correct!" Vernice slapped Depa on the face. "You are absolutely correct. HIC!"

Rela frowned up at the stars. Then down on the ground. "Where are we going, anyhow?" she asked.

"Hell�Hell," Obi-Wan stuttered.

"You, maybe." She replied. "After all the terrible things you want to do to poor Jemmy!"

"N-no." Kenobi shook his head. "Hell's chance�cantina."

"Oh, yeah. Back there again." Rela stared at the road. "Where are we then?"

"What do you mean?" Simeon asked.

"I know my way round parts of Coruscant well enough." Rela bit her lip in thought. "But I try to keep away from certain, less desirable parts. Like this."

"What are you saying?" Simeon stared.

Rela sighed. "I'm saying that I haven't the faintest idea where the hell we've wandered off to!" she said.

*******

Okay. So it had been embarrassing.

VERY embarrassing.

The looks on the faces of all those officers on duty as the two unclad Jedi were brought in would haunt Qui-Gon for the remainder of his days. Although on reflection he wondered if most of the titters were for himself and Dex or the officer that had herded them in.

Reflection. Yes, they would have a fair amount of time to do that�

As he sat on the cold uncomfortable cot at the side wall, Qui-Gon couldn't help but be reminded of the rather sad, featherless old Parroteel that used to sit in a cage in Quirida-Xac's apartment with a rather sorrowful expression on its beak. It would look out mournfully between the bars, bald and miserable, thinking all sorts of cruel and vindictive things about the world and its inhabitants in general.

Looking at Dex as he peered out of the force barrier, that was the same image he got right now.

"Glad they gave us those blankets." Dex sighed, as he walked over beside Qui-Gon and swung his legs over the side of the cot. "These permacrete walls aren't exactly warm."

"Neither was our reception." Qui-Gon replied. "Do you think I should consider turning to the darkside and strangling the little vrelt that did this to us?"

"You mean spiked our drinks?" Dex squinted, looking down at his fingers.

"Darn it!"

"What's wrong?"

"My varnish is chipping." He said as he chewed on the offending nail.

"Do you mind? I think we have more important things to discuss than your cuticles."

"Like?"

"How we're going to get out of here for starters, and how our mind tricks had no effect on a being with a brain the size of a grain of sand."

"Yes," Dex agreed, "that was a bit worrying."

Jinn stood up and started to pace. "There's something�I can't put my finger on it." he brooded.

"In that case I'm glad I've got my blanket on."

"Oh, ha ha!"

"C'mon, lighten up! It's not like it's the first time we've spent the night in a prison cell."

"Shush!" Jinn hissed at Dex. "Do you want everyone to know?"

"Oh, calm down. We were only kids. They're not going to be interested in something we did some forty years ago."

"I do NOT want my padawan to find out about it, EVER!"

"If we don't get out of here he's not going to get the chance." Dex answered.

He watched as he saw his friend arrange himself carefully on the floor in a cross-legged position. "Oh, no Qui! Not now�not meditation!"

"I'm being productive. I'm spending our enforced period of incarceration by relaxing and trying to sober myself up. What are YOU doing?"

Dex shifted uncomfortably on the cot. "I'm reading the scrawls on the cell wall."

"Oh, VERY good!" Qui-Gon said sarcastically. "How is that meant to help us?"

"You never know." Dex shrugged as he peered at the writing. "There might be some useful information."

"Like?"

"Well�this one says 'SAY IT WITH FLOWERS: BY HER A SARLACC'. Er�what else is there? Um, 'Make Coruscant rich: introduce a sex tax on Valorum's floozies,' and this one here says:

A young Jedi from Dantooine
Once painted his privates bright green
Said, "It was no great labor
You should see my saber
And this last line is very obscene�"

Silence.

"How did that help us, then?"

"It passed the time, didn't it?"

"All of five seconds, yes."

"Please tell me you aren't going to meditate?"

"All right then," Qui-Gon closed his eyes, "I won't. But I suggest you work on ridding your body of its toxins because that way we'll not only be able to think straight but when they test us for alcohol we will be in the clear."

Dex grimaced as Qui-Gon relaxed visibly. That was his answer to everything. If in doubt: meditate. He waited his moment. "Don't you want to hear the one about the 'young man from Naboo?'" he saw Qui-Gon twitch in annoyance. "What are you meditating about?"

"The best way to throw the slop bucket on your head," Jinn answered.

*******

"You work here, for Sith's sake." Simeon groaned as he urged his legs onwards. "You must know where we are!"

"I don't tend to frequent darkened sub-alleyways in the more downmarket parts of this city," Rela snapped back.

"Pity Jemmiah'ssss not here." Jay said in a slurred voice. "She could tell usss about darkened alleywayssss."

"If you're wanting a kicking you are�you are going the right way about it!" growled Obi-Wan.

"That's not very Jedi-like," Rela stated in surprise.

"If certain big mouthed persons would desist from insulting my girlfriend I wouldn't have to be un-Jedi like." Retorted Obi-Wan. "I got all that out without a single hiccup. And why are you sticking up for him?"

"I'M NOT!" Rela yelled, getting annoyed.

"Please don't shout," Simeon whispered.

"WHY NOT?"

"You did that on purpose. I used to like you. I'm not so sure now." Simeon's legs bent like rubber and buckled underneath him.

Rela sighed. "Oh, look," she tried to help pick him up from the ground. "I'm sorry. OK? Now come along like a good little Jedi�" Rela pulled him up by the arm, taking hold of his hand and leading him away as if he were a drunken ape.

Obi-Wan watched in a detached fashion as Meri and Spider seemed to be hanging onto each other as if in fear of the pavement.

"It won't bite." Abran tried to calm his heaving stomach.

"Promise?" Spider said before pitching headfirst onto the ground, knocking Meri over as if she were a skittle.

"We need to find somewhere to crash out for a bit," Jay moaned. "Just enough time before we head back."

"But we haven't found the Hell's Chance," Simeon pointed out.

"We've been looking for it for the past hour and a half. Face it, we're not going to find it." Obi-Wan belched slightly.

"That's because you guys wouldn't let us stop to ask for directions." Rela retorted roundly. "If Jemmy was here she'd make a comment or two."

At the mention of his girlfriend Rela thought Obi-Wan was about to burst into tears. "What would you girls know about that sort of thing? It's a physical fact that women can't cope with navigation because their brains are smaller�" Abran sniffed.

"Jay Abran, that is a Sithly lie!" Kylenn kicked him on the foot.

"Look, it stands to reason. Most of the ancient legends agree that the Gods made man first. Which means we are superior."

"Superior idiots," Rela shot back. "It just means that the Gods were trying to improve on the design flaws in the original copy when it came to making women!"

"Give up, Jay," Obi-Wan warned seeing that Jay was about to put up an argument. "You can't win."

"Quite right, S-B. We'll make a woman of you yet."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No thank you. I could never get used to the elastic."

"Hey!"

Jay Abran pointed to a source of light up in the twelfth floor of a tall building. "What do you think? Madame Ying's something or other." He watched the neon letters on the advertisement scrawl past. "Whether you require something hot and Corellian or frothy and inexpensively Korrassian we cater for your needs. Come on in!"

"I could do with some food," Simeon whined.

"I want to go home," Obi-Wan sighed miserably.

"I want to sleep," Kylenn groaned to nobody in particular.

"ZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz!" went Spider from her position on the street.

Rela reluctantly gave in. "Okay, okay. If you really want to eat something," she muttered, still dragging Simeon as if he were an obstinate child. "Let's go, everyone."

Why did this idea seem extraordinarily bad to Rela?

Why?!?!

*******

"Have you nearly finished yet?"

"Hush up, will you?"

"How long does it take, for goodness sakes?" Dex grumbled impatiently. "You've been at it for ages!"

"It's important! Now stop putting me off!"

"How am I putting you off?" Berlingside glared at the graffiti on the walls.

"With all your senseless chatter. You were doing it earlier and now you're doing it again." Jinn replied with an edge to his voice.

"I can't help it. I'm bored."

"Look, do you appreciate how difficult it is to concentrate with your inane commentary going on in the background?"

Dex sighed and started picking at his fingernails again. "I never knew how difficult it was to be a girl," he said casually.

"If you don't shush I will arrange for you to be turned into one. Permanently."

"Temper, temper!" Berlingside flashed his famous grin. "It's true though. It's day creams and night creams and perfumes and face masks and varnish and tweezers and leg wax and eyeliner and�"

"Thank you Madame Sin, I think I got the picture."

"I could never get used to those crotchless panty things."

"Berlingside."

"What?"

"For the love of Yoda, SHUT UP!"

"Do you have a problem?" Dex asked.

"Yes. YOU!"

"For stars sake Qui, hurry up! I'm so bored!"

"You're whining like a little child."

"Oh, just hurry up and do what you have to." A further two minutes passed in silence. Then Dex could stand it no more. "Are you still�"

"YES!"

"When will you be finished?"

"I must do what I must."

"Fine, can't you do it a bit faster?"

"Dex, that slop bucket is still sitting in the corner. If you don't shut up it is going on your head."

"Charming!" Dex looked around the bare room.

"And no, I'm not playing eye-spy."

"Spoil sport," Dex huffed.

"And if you start whistling I will be up for murder along with indecent exposure."

"Everyone's a critic."

The time continued to drag whilst Qui-Gon remained inactive, leaving Dex to sit on the cot twiddling his thumbs. This was soooooo dull! He hated being cooped up. Sith, he'd almost rather spend his time visiting his old master Quirida-Xac at the infirmary.

Almost.

"I never realized what a hairy chest you have," Dex said finally.

"Will you be quiet?"

"Only if you hurry up! What is the matter with you for Sith's sake?"

"You are beginning to seriously annoy me," Qui-Gon warned.

Pause.

"There once was a girl from Naboo
"Who had a revealing tattoo
It said�"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, okay!" Dex looked hurt. "I'm just trying to enliven the place."

"Kindly don't."

Dex sulked and pulled his legs up to his chest. "You always were an old misery."

"I never was!"

"You were! You and Mace used to push me about because you were both older."

"That's a lie," Qui-Gon hissed as he closed his eyes in concentration.

"You've never had a sense of humor."

"I'd certainly be required to develop one if I had to spend any length of time stuck with you," Qui-Gon gritted his teeth audibly. "If we get put in jail I am demanding a separate cell."

"You know, if you're not careful your padawan will start turning into you."

"I'd be more worried about you turning into your padawan," Qui-Gon replied.

"How dare you!"

"How dare YOU, more like!" Qui-Gon snorted. "Kryztan's hardly Mister Virtuous, is he? Considering what he nearly succeeded in doing to my�"

"YOUR what? She isn't your anything." Dex regarded his friend's rigid back. "I think you are jealous of your padawan."

"I think you have said to much," Qui-Gon snapped.

Dex put his hand to his head. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Sorry," Qui-Gon echoed. "It's this place. It's driving us both mad. But I really DO need to do this, so if you would stop distracting me for the moment�"

"Okay," Dex nodded.

"Thank you."

Long silence.

"You've got really big feet, haven't you?"

Dex managed to dodge the slop bucket without much trouble at all as it flew through the air. He parried it with a weak burst of his force powers and sent it hurtling to his right, where it hit an officer who had just deactivated the force barrier�

"You want the good news or the bad news, Qui?"

"Oh, surprise me." Jinn rolled his eyes.

"The good news is that your force powers are slowly starting to come back. The bad news is that your aim isn't."

Qui-Gon turned round in time to see the muck-laden features of Bull Neck as he stood spluttering and fuming. "I REALLY HATE YOU JEDI!" He remarked, as he spun on his heels and vacated the cell. "The doctor is back. Good luck to you, Doc!"

The doctor, a small, greying shock haired man in his early sixties with little pinched nostrils and gimlet eyes motioned with one hand at the tall frame of Master Jinn. "Is he done yet?" the doctor asked.

"No," Qui-Gon grimaced.

Dex shook his head. "All this fuss for one tiny urine sample!" he sighed. "The way you carry on you'd think you'd been meditating again! Now get on with it!"

*******

Obi-Wan felt a slight shiver down his spine as the much reduced group staggered, crawled and were physically manhandled into the garish room of the twelfth floor, it's orange and red and gold d�cor continuing to give him a migraine like no other he'd ever experienced before. Or maybe it was the drink�

Rela, as the single sober person in the building was perhaps the only one who felt that the garish surrounds spelled BIG trouble for them all. She didn't quite know how, but it was only a matter of time before she worked it out, of that she was certain. There were a few tables scattered round with what appeared to be mainly middle aged business men sat at them, most of them being attended by young nubile nymphets in very short dresses of red and gold cloth�

"I am so tired," Spider managed to say before Meri dropped her on the floor.

"Me too," Jay rasped.

"When did he get his voice back?" Spider mumbled.

"When people stopped feeding my Red Volcano." Jay glared at Simeon.

"That was your fault. You said it was Vodka."

"And do you always believe everything I say?"

"No."

"Then why start now?" Abran huffed. "I feel like I've been swallowing shards of glass."

"Shut up then," suggested Kenobi as he looked at the plush carpeting.

There was a swish from the beaded curtains in the far corner as a curvaceous being in her late thirties stepped out to greet them. She eyed Rela, Kylenn and the other females in distaste.

"And what can we do for you?" she asked archly. "Or do I not wish to know?"

"Well, I can't speak for everyone else but I have a tremendous appetite." Simeon grinned.

The woman looked him up and down. "Is that correct?" she said finally. "Well, I dare say we can find something that will suit you well enough. What type of thing did you have in mind?"

"I like the Corellian stuff the best." Simeon rubbed his hands. "Obi?"

"Corellian has always been my favorite." Obi-Wan said in a fond tone of voice. "My girlfriend is Corellian and ever since�"

"Girlfriend, eh?" The woman smiled. "Does she know you're out on the town?"

"She was with us until not that long ago." Obi-Wan frowned. "Actually, she said she was looking for some part time work. I don't suppose you've got any vacancies going?"

The woman looked startled. "Excuse me?" she asked.

"Well, she said she'd like to find something else to replace the bar work she does when she's not studying and I thought it might be quite handy to come in and see her whilst she wasn't working. That's if you've got anything going at all."

The proprietress tried to see if he was serious, but then again she had seen enough strange people going through her door to know that anything was possible� "Got a holo of her?" she asked.

The question surprised Obi-Wan but he remembered that he did indeed have a holo with him. "In my pocket." He nodded with his head.

The woman, her long artificial eyelashes batting coyly as her hand slunk into the helpless padawan's pockets managed to locate the holo, shortly after having found something else of interest in packet form. "Come prepared have we?" she grinned. "Let's have a look."

She studied the holo for a moment as if making up her mind.

"I'm sure we could find work for this one quite easily." She said after a while. "If she still wants a job then tell her she can see me tomorrow evening. I'm sure we can, er�fix something up."

Obi-Wan smiled, happy in the knowledge that he'd done Jemmy a real favor.

"Obi-Wan, I've got this terrible feeling that�" Rela began.

"Stop worrying. Everything will be fine. Trust me."

The woman studied Jay for a while.

"And what would sir like?" she asked. "Anything specific? We do have some exotics in here that you might find interesting."

"I'm always ready to try something new." Jay smirked.

Straightening up, the woman winked suggestively at Obi-Wan. "Well, gentlemen. I'll see if I can get your order sorted out. If you'd like to follow me�"

"See how she asked if we'd like to eat." Rela snorted, not that she was hungry anyhow. She sat down at one of the spare tables, trying to ignore the lascivious look that one of the greasy men at the tables was giving her.

This did not bode well at all�.

*******

"Something wrong, Doc?" Dex asked smugly as the wizened old doctor peered at the analysis of the urine samples they'd both had to produce.

"No, no�not wrong." The man wheezed in a voice like a creaky squeezebox. "Interesting, that's all."

"In what way, interesting?" Qui-Gon asked.

"You tell me, Jedi." The doctor smiled a gummy smile.

Bull neck strode in through the deactivated barrier, still wiping at his face as if he couldn't get the smell out of his nostrils. He was going to have a word with the Sergeant about making sure that slop bucket got emptied out in future.

"What's the word, doc?" Bull Neck rubbed his hands in anticipation. "Got enough to charge them for drunken and reckless behavior?"

"Reckless?" Jinn queried.

"Yes. There could have been old, defenseless grannies out there who might have seen your perverted and disgusting display and taken a heart attack on the streets."

"What would old defenseless grannies be doing out on the street in the dark?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Maybe they were women of the night," supplied Dex cheerfully. He looked at Bull Neck. "Personally I prefer something a bit younger, say, with their own teeth. I can't speak for you of course�"

Bull Neck threw Dex a glare from the hottest regions of hell as the old doctor chuckled to himself. "Can it, wise guy!"

"Or you'll what? Throw a slop bucket at us?"

"He he!" the doctor tittered.

"Who asked you to laugh? Just give us the results."

The doctor straightened up to his minuscule height and squinted up at the repugnant officer. "Verdict: not guilty."

"WHAT!" Exclaimed Bull Neck as he watched the two Jedi do an impromptu dance on the floor in delight. "But they said they were drunk! They said it themselves!"

"Well, I can't help what they might have said," the doctor offered a rubbery smile, "but the results of the test show that there is no trace of alcohol in their urine. There is a considerable trace of a substance known as Yenera, which has certain properties that might possibly explain any�"

"Nevermind!" snapped Bull Neck. "I want to know how this was done!"

"The Force works in mysterious ways." Qui-Gon folded his arms in a very satisfied manner.

"Are you trying to make a fool of me?"

"Why should I do that when you seem to be managing very well on your own." Jinn smiled a sickly smile that Jemmiah often tried when she was being overly sweet.

"You're still not getting away with this! No matter what excuse you might come up with, I am going to see you get what you deserve. And as for you, I don't trust your judgement. I'm getting in a second opinion to check your test results."

The doctor snorted in annoyance. "They'll still say what I have already told you. No alcohol present. A residual of Yenera and in the case of this one," he pointed at Dex, "I suggest he stops any physical activities until he gets that�er, infection sorted out."

Qui-Gon tried not to laugh and Dex glared at the floor. Krelo wouldn't be too happy.

"However, if you wish to call on a second opinion then I should warn you that Doctor Grumf is on vacation and at this time of night, or rather morning, you will not find too many individuals willing to haul themselves out of bed to analyze a urine sample."

Bull Neck gritted his teeth.

"I can call on one of my own colleagues in our practice if that would do you�"

"Whatever! Just get on with it!"

The doctor's skin crinkled at the side of his eyes in glee. "Well, gentlemen," he bowed respectfully at the Jedi, "I don't know how you did what you did but my best wishes go with you."

Masters Jinn and Berlingside grinned like lunatics. It had been a victory. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. Now, if they could only find a way out of the cell�

*******

Lilith scanned the streets, hand to her eyes. "Why is it whenever you're going shopping, or are pretty flush, or just waking idly down the streets in broad daylight you can't move for beggars and hobos but the minute you actually look for one there's not a sign for love nor money?"

"Maybe they're choosy." Krelo grimaced. "Maybe the idea of wearing Jedi clothing is scaring them off."

"It would scare me off," Lilith admitted. "I don't know how you stand these drab, colorless garments."

"They're practical."

"So are incontinence knickers but you don't catch me wearing them either."

"I could suggest that to Yoda." Krelo grinned. "I'll get Depa to bring it up at the next council meeting."

Lilith pulled a face that resembled both a leer and a grimace. "I wouldn't mind seeing that Master Jinn wearing them," she said in a low voice.

"Lilith, please listen." Krelo turned to face her sharply. "Don't go picking fights with Qui-Gon. You may be formidable in a fight or a battle of wits but you haven't seen Qui-Gon when he feels one of his charges are in danger of any kind. He takes his duty as master and surrogate father very seriously. If you do something that upsets him�"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. But he feels threatened. You're encroaching on his territory. And Jemmiah is only sixteen and still has a lot to learn before she decides what to do with her life�"

"So she'd better start experiencing things now. Sheeesh, how is the girl ever going to learn about anything locked away in that safe haven of yours? It's not as if she even belongs with your Jedi friends. Think how difficult it must be to be the only non Jedi permanently on the premises?"

"Just be careful," Krelo warned. "Pray you NEVER get to see Qui-Gon when he's angry, or hurt, or worried."

Lilith looked as if she were about to tell Krelo exactly how worried her remark had left her when a shadowy figure appeared to limp along in the dark towards them.

"Hey, there's our friendly neighborhood beggar." Krelo's eyes lit up like those of a cat. "I'm sure our offer of some clean clothes wouldn't go without a thank you."

"Just how clean is a matter for some speculation." Lilith held up a pair of boxer shorts. "Urgh! White with a pair of red lips at a very strategic part of the anatomy! That is disgusting! Whose are they?"

"Dex, no doubt," Krelo admitted. "That sounds like him."

"You poor girl. What have you let yourself in for?"

"A very good evening, if all goes according to plan!" Krelo smiled. "It'll take his mind off Kryztan for a moment."

Lilith stared at the beggar woman. There was something a bit odd� Something about the way she kept furtively looking at them both and then slinking even further into the darkness. VERY peculiar behavior for a street rat�

"What's up with this one?" Lilith asked.

"I don't know?" Krelo shrugged. "Maybe she's frightened of us."

"Then we'll have to put the record straight," Lilith said determinedly, striding over towards the ragged figure with the long, oily hair combed over her face.

//Gods,// Lilith thought to herself, //this one could really use a bath�//

The figure caught sight of Lilith and Krelo making straight towards her and flinched as far back into the shadows as possible. This wasn't fair. Of all the people she had to meet up with and the force sent her these two� Making sure that Krelo couldn't ascertain who she was, the wannabe beggar frantically combed her hair further over her face and continued to shield herself with the force, just like she had been doing since she first realized they were in the area.

"Hey, wait up!" Lilith said gruffly as the scruffy beggar woman looked as if she were about to limp off into the distance. The stooped figure halted in her tracks as if stunned.

"We�we don't mean you any harm," Krelo reassured her.

A single eye glinted through the horrible sludgy hair.

"It's just that we thought you might like these." Krelo offered the woman Dex's robe. "Those clothes don't look very warm. Perhaps this might help�"

"I'm fine," the voice rumbled in reply.

"It's not charity," Lilith insisted. "You'd be doing us a real favor, especially seeing as the people they used to belong to will not be needing them." As Krelo tried to get closer the filthy down and out shrunk away again. "Just leave her, Kre. If she doesn't want them�"

Lilith turned to go, and Krelo reluctantly followed her friend out of the street.

The beggar woman's brain began to turn quickly. This was her chance to get back to the temple in semi-decent clothes. And if she wore the robe with the hood over her hair, nobody would notice the difference� "Wait," she said in monotone, trying to disguise her voice.

Lilith turned back round in surprise. The beggar extended a filthy hand, although underneath all the grime Lilith could have sworn she could see red nail varnish. "Please," the voice said.

Lilith exchanged a glance with Krelo but moved back to the figure, which erupted into paroxysms of coughing when they got too close. They both shrunk back. "She doesn't sound very well," Lilith said to Krelo. "Maybe you should take her back with you to the temple and visit the healers."

"It's not the day for open surgery," Krelo muttered.

"I'm fine." The hand grabbed at the clothing, snatching it from Krelo's grasp. "Thank you."

"Suit yourself." Lilith shrugged.

Krelo looked down at the ground as the scruffy beggar started to limp away slightly. "We never did find out who these boxers belonged to." She picked up the fallen garment and whirled it round on her finger. "White with red lips, indeed. Who would have thought it? Whose do you think they are, Lil?"

"They're Qui-Gon's, you idiot! I bought them for�" the beggar woman suddenly stopped in shock at what she had just said. What a stupid manner in which to give herself away�

Krelo's jaw dropped. "Sal-Fina?!?" she gasped.

Lilith's face took on the look of a hungry feline. "Get the holocam!" she hissed in delight. "No way am I missing this!"