A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


"Urgh!" Jemmiah put her hand over her mouth. "Doesn't that just make you want to throw up?"

"What?" Obi-Wan asked, just relieved to get his girlfriend back in his arms. Well, the next best thing�

"Master Jinn and Leona. Yeeeeuuuk!"

"You were one of the ones who went out of the way to get them together!" Obi-Wan replied as he watched Leona staring dreamily into his master's eyes.

"Yes, I know. But in public? All that smooching and hand holding�it's not dignified! Not at their age!"

"They're not that old. Well, she isn't," Obi-Wan amended hastily. "There isn't any laws against holding hands and�actually you're right. It's positively revolting!"

"See!" Jemmy grimaced. "I don't know why he isn't sick on her, really I don't."

"Because she is wearing HIS robe."

Jemmy switched her attention from Qui-Gon to Dex, who was merrily spinning all over the floor like a man twenty years younger. "There's another two that need locking up," she remarked. "And the age difference is even greater with them than it is with Leona and Master Jinn."

"They're happy," Obi-Wan said.

"Are they? Master Berlingside didn't look too happy at all just twenty minutes ago�do you think somebody told him about�?"

"It's going to get back to him sooner or later," Obi-Wan replied wretchedly. "I'm not sorry for Kryztan but I am for his master. If he's enjoying some relaxation with Krelo then good luck to him."

"Ben, his tunic is open almost to the navel!" Jemmy realized suddenly. "And I'll bet it wasn't Krelo who's been pawing him around either!"

"Sith!" Obi-Wan cursed. "And what about�?"

"Sal-Fina and Ambianca?" Jemmy finished his sentence and cast about for sign of the grizzly pair.

But they were nowhere to be seen.

*******

"I really needed the fresh air, Master." Ambianca groaned as she run her hands over her short, golden hair. "I'm not used to so much drinking, I suppose. I feel so hot I just wish I could just burst out of my clothes and run back to the temple."

Sal-Fina grinned. "I did something like that once. That game that Master Jinn mentioned, when I was dared into streaking?"

"Was it true, Master?" Ambianca gasped.

"Oh, yes. And I was glad to do it, too. Nobody can out dare me! Especially not Qui-Gon Jinn!"

"I thought you were speaking again." Ambianca tilted her head to one side like a cannoid with a troublesome flea in its ear.

"We are. Sort of. More of a wary truce than anything else. Still, even I have to admit that age has been kind to him, even without the beard. And that little healer person hasn't got everything going her way. I can still attract the men."

Sal-Fina leaned heavily against the wall of the building and began to giggle; a completely unnatural sound that her throat hadn't made for many, many years.

"Master?" Ambianca loosened her belt. "What is it?"

"Why don't we?" she smiled.

"Why don't we what?"

"Streak?" Sal-Fina replied. "I've not done this for many a year and my body is in just as good shape as it was then�we could just leave our clothes here and collect them when we get back." She stared Ambianca in the face. "I dare you."

"M-master?" the girl stammered.

"Where's your sense of adventure? It's dark! Who is going to see us, anyway? Let's have some fun!" Sal-Fina started pulling her boots off and placed them in the hands of her padawan.

"I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you, Master," she gulped.

"Suit yourself," sighed Sal-Fina as she removed her tunic top. "I'm going for a sprint round the block."

One minute later and Ambianca could hardly be seen from behind a mountain of Sal-Fina's clothes. And Sal-Fina could no longer be seen at all�

*******

Simeon blew one last kiss to his blonde paramour before picking up his drink and heading over to sit with Sybelle, Kylenn and the snoozing Dimallie. Cates noticed the shot glasses spinning in wobbly arcs in front of the redhead's face. "Hey, kiddo, practicing your little circus trick for the talent show?"

"Careful, Simeon or else I'll balance you on a pole and spin you like a plate!"

"I love it when you whisper sweet nothings in my ear!" Kylenn sniffed. "Aw, feeling a little cranky? I know just the thing to cheer you up! Simeon's Amazing Dancing Toes!" He hoisted a foot onto the table and began unbuckling the top strap.

"Don't you dare take off those boots!" she yelled out a little louder than she intended.

A stranger seated nearby heard this comment and hollered over to Simeon, "So, she likes to play a bit rough, eh?"

Cates jokingly answered back, "Take a look at some of her handiwork!" He pointed to the battered-looking Jay Abran still holding an ice pack to his bruised cheek. "He's a regular customer of hers, and a right satisfied one at that!"

"What the- ? Simeon!"

"If you ask her nice," Cates added, "maybe she'll give you a first-timer's discount." He turned and winked at his thoroughly appalled tablemate.

"SIMEON! Knock it off or I'll kick you flat!"

The stranger piped up, "Would I have to pay extra for that?"

Exasperated, she cuffed her hands over her ears and put her head down on the table, effectively ending both her meditation exercise and the conversation with Cates. He laughed and caught the now free-falling shot glasses before they hit the table.

"Should we negotiate a price?" The stranger pressed.

"Eh? Uh," Simeon stammered, now realizing the stranger was serious, "well, uh, actually she's earned her keep for this evening so I'm giving her the rest of the night off. Perhaps another time." He threw in a cheesy smile for good measure. The stranger gave the two of them an odd look, shook his head and turned his attention elsewhere.

Kylenn whimpered.

"Don't worry, love, I wouldn't have let you go for anything less than 1000 credits." Cates gave her a flirty peck on the top of her head and waved Tanni over to join them at their table. No sooner had the Togorian settled in when a trio of - gods knows what - slammed through the door and wreaked havoc throughout the front section of the pub. A shrill whistle was heard from a smoke-filled corner in the rear and one of the...creatures...took off like a shot out the back.

"Amazing," Sybelle growled, "I didn't know Gornaks could be trained."

*******

"Padawan?" Garos jerked up his head. He hadn't heard his Master come back into the fresher. "Padawan, are you sure you're alright?" He nodded and went back to his detailed inspection of the sink basin. Not at all convinced Biwo continued, "You still look somewhat green. I'll have Healer Leona give you something to-" Hmiol emphatically shook his head. "Not even Wookiee repellant?" Garos grunted. "Very well, then. If you change your mind, just let me know." He gave his padawan a pat on the shoulder and left.

//I think I'll just stay here a while. All by myself. Quiet. Safe. No Sithly alcohol, no hormonal Wookiees and no- //

A pair of flamboyantly made-up Twi'lek drag queens came into the fresher chattering about the latest in stiletto technology when they spotted the young man hovering over the sink. "Honeybunch," one fussed, "I love the braidy-tail thing but those pajamas just do nothing for you..."

//SENSORY OVERLOAD!!//

Hmiol screamed and ran out of the fresher.

*******

"Who, or rather what are they?" Tanni asked as he watched the cantina staff scramble to get the two demanding patrons their drinks.

"Smugglers," answered Sybelle. "The worst of the lot. They handle the cargo that my boyfriend and Lilith won't even touch - slaves, abducted children, necrophagic drugs, that sort of thing. Griff had a run-in with them once and barely escaped alive. The best advice I can give is don't do anything to upset them - just stay as far away from them as possible."

Imri gulped, "Upset them? Just tell me what bothers them and I'll be sure not to do it."

"Well, breathing for starters," answered Sybelle.

Simeon eyed the three horns that ringed their heads like a demented halo and then looked down at the three glasses sitting before him. Inspiration struck. "Hey Tanni, see the guy on the left? I'll bet you 500 credits I can sit a glass over one his horns and he'd never notice.�

Kylenn piped up, "You heard what Sybelle said, you don't want to play games with those guys!"

The Togorian ignored her, "500 credits. You're on!"

Simeon lifted the shot glass up with his hand, posed it, and allowed it to float off using the Force. It drifted past three nearby patrons virtually unnoticed (one who did hastily took another drink), turned, and accelerated off towards its target.

"Hey look, here comes padawan Doorstop." Tanni pointed at Hmiol who was walking briskly through the cantina and was clearly headed for the exit. "So he finally decided to come out of hiding, eh?"

"By the look on his face, I don't think was entirely voluntary." Tanni turned his attention back to the speeding glass. "Cates, I think you should slow that thing down."

"Nah, I've got control of it. Don't worry."

Unknown to him, something was approaching from behind..."Hey sweetie! Care for another dance?" The husky blonde pinched his bottom - HARD.

"AAGH!" Simeon yelped, completely loosing his concentration, which sent the glass flying wild.

"CATES, LOOK OUT!"

The glass flew through the cantina, narrowly missing Hmiol, and struck the Gornak squarely in the back of the head. "Oh, great! Now you've done it!!"

In a flash the enraged creature stood up and grabbed the closest thing within reach...

*******

//Fresh air. I need fresh air. Time to go for a walk.//

Garos wove his way through most of the tables and was nearly to the door when he felt something solid whiz past his ear. //Huh?- AAAAACK!!//

Before Hmiol could even turn flinch, he suddenly found himself held by the scruff of his neck several feet off the ground - face-to-face with a very angry Gornak.

A fully charged blaster was aimed at this throat.

Lilith watched the abortive flight of the shot glass and groaned in mingled fear and frustration. That boy was going to get someone killed. A well-aimed decicredit coin bounced off Krelo's shoulder and the smuggler jerked her head toward the threat to Garos's life, her face tight and her expression grim.

The bleached blond watched as Krelo drew Dexie's gaze toward the lethal combination of drunken padawans and vicious, temperamental Gornaks. The nasty creature growled low in its throat and suddenly the noise level in the cantina dropped to a tense and expectant silence.

Lilith slipped her blaster from its holster below the level of the table and flicked her left wrist, letting a vibroblade slide easily into her hand.

She was ready, but she didn't really want to participate in this particular fight at all, since it would involve actual casualties and not just bruises and skinned knuckles.

*******

Ambianca stood miserably outside the cantina, waiting on her master to come back, only Sal-Fina's mound of discarded clothes for company. She was at a complete loss for what to do.

Airhead. That's what everyone called her. All because she tried to emulate her master in everything, especially her looks and poise and taste.

Sal-Fina was not universally liked and you didn't have to be the most intelligent sentient being to realize that one, but to Ambianca she was her source of inspiration. They had a very good relationship. They traded jokes; they watched vids, discussed boys�

She was everything she could have wanted in a parental figure. The two could have been made for each other.

Yet recently�

Ambianca had felt a sense of, well frankly, desperation about her beloved master. As if she was beginning to feel that perhaps time was starting to pass her by. At every opportunity she ogled younger men, wore younger hairstyles, younger make up. It was as if she were entering her second childhood and feeling as if she had to act half her age to compete against her young padawan.

Ambianca was worried that Sal-Fina might come to resent her.

This silly streaking thing was just the latest in a long line of somewhat embarrassing stunts she'd embarked upon to help recapture her lost youth, and whilst Ambianca wouldn't hear a word said against her precious master the idea that SHE, the padawan was in effect the stabilizing influence on HER, the master, was incredibly alarming.

The fact that she was Sal-Fina's padawan had its plus and minus points. On the good side, people outside the temple would point them out and recognize how fantastic they looked. The bad side was that she had very few friends. There was Junine, but if she was honest she didn't particularly like that sour faced crab anyway. Hooking up with the one girl more unpopular than she was did not seem to be the smartest move in the galaxy. And that was another thing.

People always regarded her as thick. Meri despised her. Jemmiah loathed the sight of her and Sula and Sybelle were much the same. The others tended to stay out of her way.

And so she hated them back.

Then there was that personality thing. Personally, she couldn't stand the almost "cult" following the boys had for Jemmiah and at the same time she desperately longed to know what it was that the Corellian girl had that she didn't, which kept the men trailing in her wake.

It never used to bother her that she wasn't popular. But after tonight, somehow, it did�

Hugging the clothes, Ambianca stared into the distance for a glimpse of her master but found nothing. She didn't honestly know whether to be dismayed or relieved. The urge she had felt moments earlier to rid herself of her garments and run amuck without a care in the world had passed fairly rapidly. Well, she'd just have to hope the same thing happened to her master.

To her annoyance, the familiar figure of her nemesis appeared outside the doorway accompanied by Padawan Kenobi.

"I never got to tell you," he said in a voice that you could tell disguised a grin, "how much I like your hair like that."

"Thanks." She replied, cocking her head to one side as if listening to something. "Is that your stomach AGAIN, termite?"

"Fraid so." Obi-Wan laughed.

"Well, I have a small fruit knife. We could always go peel some oranges�"

"You little madam!" Kenobi laughed. "I wish my hands were free. Then I could do some peeling of my own�"

A broad hand reached out through the double doors and grabbed him round the chin, pulling him backwards.

"Hello, Master Jinn," sighed Jemmy. Well, it looked as if she was alone� A glance to her right told her she was not. "Oh, it's you." Jemmiah said indifferently. "Locked up any more kids in closets today?"

Ambianca ignored her as best she could.

"Whatcha got there?" Jemmy craned her head.

"Nothing." Ambianca cradled the clothing to one side defiantly.

"It doesn't much look like nothing." Jemmy remarked. "Go on, what is it?"

Ambianca was on the verge of telling her to get lost, but then the part of her that was longing to wail her misfortunes kicked in and she spilled out the lot in an instant. "My masters clothes." She nodded at the bundle.

"Say that again?" Jemmiah said incredulously.

"My master has taken off her clothes and is running stark naked round the streets of Coruscant," she groaned. "What should I do?"

Jemmiah stared vacantly for a moment. "Give me the clothes," she commanded.

Like the sheep she was, Ambianca did as she was told.

Jemmiah had always been more of a wolf than a sheep and did what her instincts told her too. Clothes in hand as evidence she turned on her heal and ran through the doorway, stopping only to draw breath. "Hey, Master Jinn! Ben! Spider! You'll never guess!" she grinned like a ten year old.

"What?" frowned Spider.

Jemmy's eyes sparkled as she held up a boot. "Sal-Fina's in the nip!"

*******

All activity in the cantina had come to a full stop and all eyes were turned on the angry creature and his prey. The terrified padawan gulped as the Gornak gave him a furious shake, nearly choking him with his own tunics. Hmiol instinctively tried to put his fingers up under his neckline to relieve some of the pressure but the Gornak smacked his hands down and yanked him closer. He could feel the barrel of the blaster jab against his throat.

"YOOOUUUU!!!" It growled in stunted basic, "you interrupt my drink!! NOBODY, interrupt my drink!"

Gasping for air, Hmiol rapidly shook his head and tried to explain that whatever happened it wasn't his fault but all that came out was a choked squeak. The smuggler jabbed the gun even harder into his neck. Hmiol coughed.

//THINKTHINKTHINKTHINK//

He slowly drew his hand up-

"You touch your lightsword you will die!! A tremendous roar was heard from the area of the jukebox. All heads swung around to see a livid Wookiee with a blaster drawn and aimed at the Gornak's face. Standing on the table next to her was a tiny redhead with her hands on her hips and a look on her face fierce enough to cow a charging Rancor.

"SHE SAID PUT HIM DOWN - NOW!!" Gasps and tense murmurs could be heard from several pockets of spectators around the room; credits quietly changed hands. The second Gornak upholstered his gun and aimed it at the Wookiee but Rela and Flint held their ground. "Put him down or else my friend will blast your a-- so far off the planet it will take the rest of your body a year just to catch up!" A few muffled snickers and more credits found new owners. Gornak #2 took his aim off Flint and swept his blaster barrel back and forth over the heads of the crowd.

Silence.

"NO - wait - please!!!" came a frantic voice from Rela's left. Heads turned again. Biwo was hurriedly stumbling his way through the sea of tables and nearly fell as he reached his destination. He collected himself and stood between the two hostile parties with his hands up and addressed his padawan's captors, "Look, I think we can end this calmly. Why don't you put him down and we can forget this ever happened. If you want money, I can pay you whatever you want-"

The first Gornak swiftly pulled a dagger and launched it at Biwo's feet. It landed just inches from the toe of his boot. Far gulped. He took a deep breath gave the smuggler a concentrated gaze and calmly spoke, "you don't want to hurt the boy." The creature blinked. Biwo continued, "you want to put the boy down." It cocked its head to the side. Far repeated, "you want to put the boy down."

"I want to put boy down," it parroted.

"You want to let him go."

"I want to let him go." Sighs of relief could be heard as the level of tension around the cantina dropped considerably; Biwo's mindtrick seemed to be working.

Just as the creature began lower the padawan to the floor, the front door flew open and a young female voice proudly announced, "Sal-Fina's in the nip!"

With this new surprise, the spell was now broken. The creature - angered with the realization of having been mindtricked - let out an enraged bellow and hurled Garos across the room slamming him into the far wall.

*******

Alex stood in silence as he contemplated the unthinkable.

You'd think when there was merely a contest between two people that picking the winner would be a fairly straightforward matter.

But that wasn't taking into consideration the Yoda factor.

"Master Alex. Your decision we await." Yoda tapped on the floor with his stick, staring up at the man with an inscrutable face.

"Er�the judges will retire to consider the verdict."

"A court of law this is not, Master Alex. No need there is for you to deliberate so long," Yoda replied.

Alex could have sworn there was merriment in the little troll's expression. It was as if he were enjoying the unnecessary suffering he was going through.

"I need to make sure the decision I come up with is the right one." He wilted when the green eyes regarded him skeptically.

"I'm sure you WILL make the right choice," Sula answered with hands on hips. "I mean, if Meri were to hear that I lost out just because you were too afraid to go against Master Yoda�"

Yoda chuckled to himself. "Retire you may, Master Alex. Decide you must and make someone unhappy."

Alex grinned feebly and turned his back on the pair of them, walking towards the curtains, head back. He closed his eyes and to no-one in particular mouthed the words "OH NO!" followed shortly thereafter by "WHY ME?"

He tried to think about this rationally. Yoda may have been talented in the force but he was not musically gifted. His rendition of H-A-P-P-Y, I AM had been extremely painful, even with the knowledge of being forearmed. Sula had proved herself to be completely tone deaf.

The Force was making him chose between possibly the worst couple of singers known to the galaxy and trying to separate the pair of them was not going to be an easy choice. Yoda's words had been all back to front. With Sula, you could at least make out what she was singing. You just wished you couldn't.

He could delay all he wanted but he knew the moment of reckoning would arrive no matter how much he tried to squirm out of it.

"I have an announcement to make." Alex cleared his throat nervously.

Turning round, he could once more make out the sly amusement on Yoda's face, and the cool, vivid blue of Sula's eyes reflecting like two pools of ice waiting to drown him should he come to reach the wrong decision. "You both thought that I was going to take the easy way out and call a draw, didn't you?" he frowned as he looked back and forth between the two of them.

Ha! That had got Yoda's attention. "Well, in a way you are right. There is a draw."

Yoda snorted, still smiling at the predictability.

"You are both equally the worst singers I have ever had the misfortune to hear. There are laws against noise pollution and by rights I should have you both arrested for disturbing the peace. MY peace!" He paused momentarily for breath.

"I have come to a difficult, but in the end the only, decision I can make under the circumstances. As this is a singing contest, and as the garbage you have both spouted cannot under any circumstances be termed singing, I have no alternative but to disqualify the pair of you. The judges decision is finally and cannot be altered."

He pointed to the little silver cup on the stand that had been donated as a prize. "And because of the extremity of my suffering I am going to declare myself the moral winner and take this away with me."

He stopped to pick up the tiny trophy, slipping it under his folded arm.

"Good day Master Yoda. Padawan Leishu."

Sula watched, disgruntled as Alex walked out the room, stilling rubbing futilely at his ears as if to rid them of the din that had so traumatized them in the last ten minutes or so.

"Well." Sula shrugged. "We both lost our little bet."

"Hmmmmph," Yoda snorted.

But the smile remained. "Much anger in him, I fear." He shuffled across the floor with his stick.

"And no taste in music."

*******

"Owwwwwwwwwww........."

Garos groaned as he rubbed his head softly, deciding that this might be a good place for a little nap...

Over the sound of several enraged Gornaks, Hmiol heard someone say, "Cates, this is all your fault!"

THAT snapped his head up. Cursing silently, he moved Simeon back up to the top of his hit list.

Simeon Cates
Jemmiah Gleshan
Menali-Jay Abran
Obi-Wan Kenobi...

Hmiol made sure he had his records straight before drifting into unconsciousness.

The entire cantina erupted - the bold stood up to cheer with a raw, almost cannibalistic enthusiasm as the cautious dove for cover. Others ducked into the freshers - not caring if their gender matched that of the sign on the door - or stampeded for the rear exit like a herd of terrified Nerfs. Pockets of fighting broke out all over and tables were upended as shields from blaster fire and flying debris.

*******

"GAROS!!"

Biwo watched in horror as his padawan struck the wall with a sickening thud and crumpled to the ground. He barely had time to breathe when ZING!! A blaster bolt from Flint's rifle whizzed over his head and hit the offending Gornak in the shoulder. The creature twisted and fell backwards onto the chair behind him and smashing it to pieces. His cohort took aim back at Flint and pulled the trigger.

//OH, SITH!!!//

Biwo ripped his lightsabre off of his belt, ignited it and deflected the bolt that would certainly have been a killing shot to the Wookiee's head. He got into a fighting stance, ready for the next attack. Flint grabbed Rela, kicked over the table the girl had been standing on and threw both of them down behind it before returning fire. A new group of toughs had crouch-jogged up behind the bar and joined the Gornaks' assault on Flint and Biwo. A full blaster fight broke out.

VLAP! ZWING!!

Biwo swept and rolled his lightsabre, easily blocking the onslaught of blaster bolts, but the situation was becoming increasingly uncontrollable. He knew he had to get out of the open - fast.

ZHWOONG!!

//If I can back up and get over to the Wookiee-//

"AAAGH!" He cried out as a stray shot from an unknown corner struck him in the back. Dropping his lightsabre, he gripped his side in pain and collapsed to the ground - motionless.

*******

Sal-Fina grinned from ear to ear, but nobody could see it from the speed she was travelling at.

She put the STREAK into streak!

Jedi could attain extremely fast bursts of speed for short periods of time should an emergency ever merit such action and whilst Sal-Fina didn't see the need to do so it did give her a thrill. She made a point of passing by the entrances of several cantinas, just a blur as she sped on her way.

The look on the faces of the drunken revelers as they tumbled out of the drinking establishments and were met by a naked woman travelling at what appeared to be seemingly inhuman speeds gave Sal-Fina a real scream. She could just imagine them all as they wondered if perhaps that last glass of Fire scorch had been one too many after all...

In her youth, Sal-Fina had been game for a laugh. So had Qui-Gon.

A wild series of dares were frequently issued and accepted, first one and then the other trying to top the previous challenge. Until Master Yoda had discovered what had been going on and put a stop to it.

The dare that had stuck most in her mind down the years had been the one where Qui-Gon, in retaliation for being made to parade up and down the streets wearing a costume advertising Sand Dune Pizza, had dared her to streak at the important clash of the Gabali champions in the final game of the season.

Qui-Gon's face when she had taken up the challenge was nearly as memorable as the distasteful expression he had worn when donning a plasti- pizza suit.

"But you make such a lovely tomato," She'd clucked, whilst pinching his face roughly between two fingers.

This time, Qui-Gon was not there to see her as she cavorted round the streets of Coruscant wearing nothing but a silly, smug grin. A pity. He'd soon see what he'd tossed aside in favor of that Cr�che master�

*******

"I'm telling you," the officer said as he shivered inside the warmth of the hover car, "it was the Jedi! I have no other explanation for how I ended up there in that fountain."

"You just let them take your clothes, I suppose," giggled the Sergeant.

"Shut up!" Bull Neck sat under his blanket. "You have no memory of this at all! They must have done a mind wipe on you."

"You sure you didn't just fancy a dip in the water?" One of the rescue team asked in a voice that failed to hold any gravitas. "Maybe you need a nice, long vacation."

"Maybe you'd better pipe down before I have you on a charge for insubordination and downright aggravation!" Bull Neck spat.

The young Sergeant smiled. "Who are you going to invite on your vacation, sir?" He looked at the list of names. "Lucrecia Goldfinger? Or would it be Lola Divine?"

The rescue party snickered in the back.

"I'll have your hide for this!" Bull Neck growled.

"Somebody's had yours, by the look of it," coughed one of the rescue team. "I've heard of dampening one's ardor but that's ridiculous!"

"I'm warning you�" began Bull Neck.

"Hey, in that brown blanket you just like a Jedi!" grinned the Sergeant.

"I never want to hear the words Jedi or naked again!" Bull Neck closed his eyes.

"What shall we talk about?" asked a mustachioed member of the rescue party.

"I don't know!" Bull Neck said before spraying the screen with a large sneeze.



"How about we tell each other rhymes." The Sergeant smiled. "How about this:

There once was a Jedi called Mitch
Who went out without wearing a stitch�"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Bull Neck.

"What rhymes with naked?" chortled the man with the moustache.

"You are all going to regret the day you ever messed with me!"

"I can think of a few rhymes for trident." The Sergeant nodded earnestly.

"I can think of a few words for demotion," Bull Neck said pointedly.

The hover car continued to wind its merry way through the streets of Coruscant as Bull Neck sat morosely staring through the plasti glass. On the other side the Sergeant yawned hugely. He didn't care if the Jedi HAD wiped his mind. It was worth a little tampering if the result was seeing his boss humiliated infront of the rescue services.

And Gods had they laughed when they had reached the scene of crime!

He had no recollection of the last few hours at all but he reckoned that it was more likely that the pair of them had got sozzled on duty then any of this Jedi nonsense. In his opinion, the boss man had flipped big time. Imagine a Jedi being stuck up a fountain! His boss must have been at the very strong stuff for him to get in�

Suddenly an image outside the car presented itself that caused the young Sergeant's jaw to drop.

A woman!

Naked!

Running along the streets!

"Sir!" He sat bolt upright in his seat. "There's a naked woman sprinting down the street!"

"I don't want to hear it!" Bull Neck covered his ears with his hands. "I've had enough of your garbage, all of you! I'm not listening!"

"But sir�"

"Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!" sang Bull Neck.

"I see her!" said the Moustache.

"I do to!" said the other, rubbing his hands. "She must have been eating her porridge this morning! Look at her go!"

"I'm looking!" grinned the Sergeant. "Sir, I really think you should�"

"LALALALALALALA!"

"Sir!" The Sergeant pulled the man's hands away from his ears. "You have to look!"

"I don't have to do anything! I'm sick of all your Jedi jokes. If I hear the one about the starving Jedi having to be force-fed, just one more time, I will swing for somebody!"

The Sergeant starred after the elegant blonde as she turned off down an alleyway.

"She's heading back that way," the Sergeant remarked.

"That's my turf," sniffed Bull Neck as he craned his head to see what all the fuss was about. "Holy meteorites! It IS a naked woman!" he breathed.

"What does she think she's doing?" Moustache shook his head.

Bull Neck watched as she crossed into his own district and an evil look appeared in his eyes. "About two hundred k's by the look of her," he said in a diabolical tone. "She's speeding in a built up area."

If he had suffered a bad day, someone else was going to suffer even worse.

"Bring her in."

*******

Krelo took her cue from Lilith and pulled her lightsabre from her back holster, holding it in her lap when the chaos broke loose. She grabbed Lilith and Dex by the collars, pulled them back and kicked the table up in front of them.

"Some wild night, eh, blondie?"

Lilith eased her head around the edge of the table, popping off a blast at one of the gamblers that had gotten a little too carried away. "Oh, yeah. This is definitely my idea of a good time," she grinned mirthlessly.

Krelo looked over the table just in time to see the Gornak lob Garos across the room.

"Incoming!"

She reached out with the Force, trying her best to slow his impact. He hit the floor and slumped bonelessly. Krelo immediately dove over him, laying her hands on him, letting the currents of his body tell her if he'd been seriously hurt. Dex leaned towards the boy, still facing the fight.

"Is he alright?"

"He'll be fine. I can deal with the internal bleeding, but I'm afraid that he'll have to be confined to An-Paj's tender care, seeing as how I'm not sure if he'll be able to get around all that well with a broken leg and hip."

"That serious?"

Krelo sighed and smiled. "Nothing a good soak in a bacta tank won't take care of."

Lilith tapped Dex on the arm and pointed towards the bar area. "Um, I'd be getting ready to move soon." She flicked the barrel of her blaster at a figure huddled just behind the bar, stuffing a rag into the mouth of a bottle. "That one looks like he's thinking of taking care of this fight once and for all."

Krelo and Dex exchanged looks and sighed. "Oh dear, not again."

Lilith looked somewhat puzzled. "Not again, what?"

The redheaded jedi looked slightly sheepish. "I accidentally burned down a bar a long time ago. It's a long story."

*******

Sal-Fina suddenly began to wonder if her padawan was right after all in declining the offer to streak.

The very idea that perhaps her best days were behind her was abhorrent in every way to someone as�active� as she was. It was completely unthinkable that maybe she wasn't quite as fit as in her glory days, or that maybe she was perhaps a tad more lined than in her youth. And yet as she started to feel the strain of her escapades Sal-Fina was forced to realize the truth of the matter: age was not just a state of mind, no matter what other people said. Her exhausted legs, filling with lactic acid, were desperately trying to tell her force-suggested encouragements to get knotted.

Quirida-Xac was a case in point.

He had the mind of a two-year-old. His mind had given way ages ago from having to bring up the incorrigible Dex Berlingside but he seemed happier than he'd ever been.

His body was worn away be years of misuse, although what kind was of some speculation.

Sal-Fina shuddered at the idea of becoming anything like that and made a mental note to get Ambianca to shoot her in the head before it ever happened.

She slowed down. It wasn't as if there were many people around.

As the hover car homed into view, Sal-Fina knew that slowing down had been a bad mistake. The general consensus was that the Jedi and the police elements on Coruscant had a long history of bad blood between them and getting herself arrested was not going to endear herself to either side.

Brrrrrr! It had got somewhat chilly all of a sudden. Her foot came into contact with something rather disgusting and soft. Whatever it was (and she didn't really want to know) squished up through her toes�

This was all Qui-Gon's fault!

If she hadn't been trying to impress him then none of this would have happened!

"Ma'am." The voice from the hover car wavered a trifle as if containing a giggle of sorts, "Put up your hands and stay where you are. Do not try to resist arrest. We'll be very disappointed if you do!"

"Shut up and give me the voice control!" came a crotchety sounding voice in reply.

"Yes sir. She's all yours, sir."

"In his dreams," tittered another muffled voice.

The sound of someone clearing their throat could be heard over the system. "We will be landing in a few moments so don't try any fancy tricks. Stay where you are and there will be a minimum amount of fuss."

"Baldrons!" Sal-Fina swore.

"What did she say?" Bull Neck asked as he twiddled with the volume magnification control.

"Baldrons, sir."

"Did she? Well, her rear is mine!"

"Maybe you can offer her your blanket, sir!" snickered the Sergeant.

"Shut up!" Bull Neck addressed Sal-Fina again, who was slowly inching towards a narrow alleyway. He started to read out the formal Coruscant arrest act. "You do not have to say anything but I must warn you that anything you do say will be taken down in evidence and used against you in a court of law�"

"Why don't you kiss your purulent, fat ass?" she spat, before turning and fleeing.

Bull Neck's eyes almost popped out of his skull.

"That does it! I don't care how ridiculous it's going to look when we report it! After her!"

"The alley is too narrow for the car, sir." The Sergeant replied. As he watched Sal-Fina's backside disappear.

"Darn it!" Bull Neck hissed. "We'll have to get out and walk! Put this tub down on the ground. I'm not letting this one go!"

*******

Sal-Fina scampered down the darkness of the alley. The evil smell reminded her of what she'd just stood on. Her only consolation was that at least she had a head start on her pursuers. And that in the blackness of the lower levels there was nobody who could see her�

All at once several pairs of eyes fixed upon her at once.

Nervously, Sal-Fina laughed.

"Hello there," she gulped softly, trying to cover up her suddenly very exposed body, "I don't suppose any of you have the time, do you?"

The only response she got was the aggressive looking eyes getting closer to her.

Time for some action.

"Stay right where you are. I'm a Jedi knight." She brazened it out.

A gruff, amused sounding voice answered her. "And I'm Senator Palpatine." It said smugly.

"I'm warning you�"

"You're warning us? Did you hear that, boys?"

Sal-Fina watched as one of the stinking, rag clad figures stepped into the lighter half of the alley.

Well, she thought, I did warn them�

Raising her hand, Sal-Fina stepped forward to do battle.

*******

"I'm not going down there, sir!" squeaked the young Sergeant nervously as he squinted into the smelly gloom of the alley where Sal-Fina had hidden.

"Why not?"

"Well," he said in embarrassment," It's all wretched and horrible."

"Just like your career prospects if you don't look lively!" Bull Neck pushed him in. "Get your torch."

They hovered for a moment at the mouth, hanging back in disgust.

"Can you hear something, sir?"

"No."

"I can."

"Garbage! You're imagining things."

"I CAN, sir! It's a sort of�running noise."

"Running?" asked one of the rescue team.

"Yeah. Coming this way."

"I don't hear it." Bull Neck dismissed.

"Sir, I'm not making this up!" The Sergeant backed away.

"Coward, where do you think you're going? Do you really think the dark is going to hurt�"

His words were cut off suddenly by the stampede of naked bodies that were clamoring to get past, as if in a mad dash to escape some unseen horror lurking in the alley beyond.

"Look out, sir!" The Sergeant pulled his senior to the side just in time.

Bull Neck looked on in amazement. "What is this, some kind of nudist colony?" he asked. "I'm stamping down on this lewdity right this instant! Get after them!"

"What about you sir?"

"I'm just going to check the alley. Make sure there's no other heavenly bodies lurking where we can't see 'em."

Bull Neck walked cautiously into the inkyness, shining the little hand torch ahead a few feet. A huddled, grimy figure with long straggly hair sat hunched against the wall, dressed in smelly beggars' clothes. Urgh! The smell was enough to put anyone off!

Giving the unwashed figure a last, distasteful look, Bull Neck made his way back towards the hover car.

Sal-Fina watched him as he retreated.

Well, she'd got her diversion by way of a Jedi mind trick. She'd never thought for a moment that it would work as well as it did, getting all those hobos to hand over their clothes and run past the security types. And by way of a bonus it had also provided her with a set of clothing to make her way back to the others in.

But how she was going to explain her new look to Ambianca and the others, or the stuff she had scraped off her foot to rub on her hair was quite another matter�

*******

"Far's been hit! He's down!" yelled Qui-Gon Jinn from behind his makeshift shield. When the fighting broke out, Jinn pulled Leona behind an already downed table near the front door.

"Oh, gods! Is he dead?" she gasped.

Qui-Gon closed his eyes and reached with the Force to get a sense of the fallen Master. "No, he's alive, but he's in bad shape. I'm going to go get him."

He reached into his pouch and pulled out a silver orb with a bitted ring on the top. "Keep your head down and cover your mouth!" The healer ducked low and buried her face in her robe as Jinn pulled out the ring, releasing a stream of bluish-white smoke. He launched it up, watching as it arced the distance to its target and drop behind the bar. BANG!! A concussive flash was followed by a wall of thick, putrid smoke billowing up from the thugs' hiding place causing an immediate commotion of coughing and swearing.

//NOW!//

Jinn ignited his lightsaber, flipped over the table and took off in a dead run, leaping and dodging his way through the half-wrecked furniture to reach the unconscious Biwo. Nearing the center of the floor, the tall figure skidded to a halt and dropped to his knees beside Far. The injured man was lying face-up with his left arm twisted up behind his back. A trickle of blood oozed from the corner of his mouth and the back of his head was matted with bloody hair from where it struck the floor. A look of concern came over his face; he softly spoke, "Hang in there buddy, I'm going to get you out of here."

A new round of blaster shots from the back were fired at the two masters. He threw himself down over Biwo and frantically repelled the incoming shots.

ZHWIP! VLING!! //Sith, we're BOTH going to get killed!!//

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lilith lean out and deftly pick the offender off with her own gun. She gave Jinn a quick salute and disappeared back behind her table.

Jinn sat up and deactivated his saber. He gently lifted Far's torso, gripped him under armpits and dragged him back to the relative safety of his enclave. "Smugglers," he mused. "Sometimes they're handy to have around."

A stray blaster bolt zinged off the cantina wall and missed Jemmiah's head by a fraction. Jemmiah grabbed Spider by the stiff bunch of pink hair nearest her and pulled her to the ground. "This is getting really hairy!" she panted as she saw one of the gamblers crumple to the ground as if he had been a rag doll with the stuffing falling out of the side.

"Bassalads, Jem, this is well out of control!" Spider kept her head low. "What do we do?"

Jemmy scanned the area and located one of the trouble hot spots that were on the verge of boiling over quite independently of all the other fighting. "Typical men." Jemmy shook her head. "Always have to resort to using their fists and not their brains."

Spider was about to make a comment about that statement in relation to Jemmiah's own fiery, Corellian temperament when a bottle was lobbed in their direction, shattering some mere inches infront of them. Spider gave a quick yelp and jumped back.

"Sheesh! That was a close one!" Jemmy growled. "I've got a good mind to�"

"Jemmy, don't�" Implored Spider, but it was already too late.

The Corellian girl stood up from the relative safety of the floor and yelled at the smuggler who had thrown the bottle. "Hey, you." The unwashed looking smuggler in his dirty, crumpled vest looked round him as if wondering if he really were the person being shouted on.

"Yeah, you!" Jemmy yelled. "The Gamorrean with the face like a Hutt's behind."

The man turned to face her with a poisonous look.

"What the hell does she think she's doing!" Obi-Wan swallowed.

Jemmiah could see An-Paj waving her back frantically but paid him no heed striding fearlessly towards the smuggler. "You ignorant ape! You threw a bottle at us. You could have blinded the pair of us!" she looked outraged.

The smugglers companions all laughed.

"I don't remember," he shrugged indifferently.

"You don't remember? Have you some kind of terminal brain defect?" Jemmiah didn't care that she was pushing her luck. She was aware of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon with Leona, also aware of Lilith and Krelo and the others involved in their own little pockets of resistance. She could see her dancing partner, Jo, fingering what appeared to be a hand blaster. "You know, you should never let a man's mind wander," she yelled at the smuggler. "It's too little to be let out on its own."

The smugglers smile froze into a sneer. "Is that right, little lady?" he asked. "If my mind is too little then your mouth is far too big."

"All the better for spitting in your face, you heap of putrefied cat vomit." Jemmiah answered boldly. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to throw bottles? Or were you so stupid that it never seeped into that sewer of a brain?"

"You trying to say I'm dumb?" hissed the smuggler.

"Well, let me see. Why don't we try a little test?" Jemmiah got even closer so that she could almost smell his alcohol-laden breath. She picked up a bottle with on hand off the table as she passed and now stood directly before him. "How do you spell, say�.UGG!" She thrust her chin out defiantly.

"Oh, no." Obi-Wan groaned.

There was a split second where the insult hadn't yet fully penetrated the smuggler's mind fully. Obi-Wan could see the stunned expression suddenly change to outrage and wounded male pride. Before he could shout at her to get out the way, the sound of breaking glass answered his thoughts.

"Don't throw bottles. Do you hear me, Bantha brains?" Jemmiah watched as the smuggler went down on the ground with glass sticking out of his long, unkempt black hair. "It's very dangerous."

One of the smugglers went for his vibroblade but a blaster burn to the rear soon persuaded him to reconsider any designs he might have had on the Corellian girl. A tug on the arm from the man Suul had called Welks reminded Jemmiah that the cantina was rapidly becoming a war zone.

"Get behind that table." He shoved her carefully down besides Jonas. "Keep your head down if you want to stay attached to it!"

Jonas winked at her. "We meet again," he said.

"So it would appear." Jemmiah grimaced.

"Still wanting to peel someone's oranges or shall we call ourselves quits?" he joked. He looked down at her leg. "You're bleeding." he stated.

"I had half a medium sized forest removed from that leg wound an hour or so ago." Jemmy replied.

"Eh?"

"A large splinter," she explained.

"I meant the other leg." He nodded to the unbandaged one.

Jemmiah followed his gaze to her other leg. "Sith!" she swore. "How did that happen?"

"Didn't you feel it?" Jonas asked incredulously.

"I'm full of pills and alcohol. I can hardly see straight let alone feel pain." Jemmiah eyed the gash in her other leg, feeling distinctly woozy. "Must've been that bottle I smashed. Oh, well. I have a matching set now."

"It's quite nasty." Jonas frowned, taking off his vest to wrap round the wound. "We'll get you out of here and have one of the�" He turned back to her and realized she'd passed out on him.

"Great." Jonas shook his head. "Now what do I do?"

*******

Jay Abran hid himself behind the bar, trying not to cough his lungs up amidst the smoke from Qui-Gon's grenade. Alongside him were several of his drinking buddies, each appearing as eyes and noses over the edge of the bar.

"Did you see what happened to Garos?" Dimallie squeaked.

"It's unfortunate," nodded Abran.

"Unfortunate?!?" Simeon let the incredulity drip from his voice. "Someone turns him into a stain on the wall and you call it unfortunate?"

"Unfortunate for you," Jay replied calmly. "You'll be the one who'll be looking after him."

Simeon blinked. "Sith!" he cursed. "I never thought of that. Damn gamblers! Couldn't they have flung him at something soft?"

"What, you mean your head?" Jodi answered glibly. "What did you expect them to do? Say "Excuse me, whilst I just get this mattress to cushion your landing?" How would that have looked? Not very tough, is it?"

"Okay, okay!" Cates grumbled. "Nobody makes my life easy anyhow." He looked along the bar. "Whilst we are here, who wants a drink?" he asked.

"Simeon, that's stealing!" Dimallie lectured.

"I'll have one." Jay agreed, his hands alighting on a bottle of something under the bar. "What's this stuff?"

"Give it here!" Letina snatched it away, trying to make out the writing on the label. "Red. It says red something. Vo�can't make it out."

"Vodka?" Simeon frowned at the clear looking liquid inside the bottle.

"Has to be." Jay nodded. "That sounds like just the thing to help steady the nerves."

"Biwo's in bad shape." Zac gritted his teeth.

"If my master's not careful he won't be much better." Obi-Wan looked anxiously over to the group of three, waving away the smoke from his eyes.

"Your girlfriend's lying down on the job," tittered Abran.

Obi-Wan managed to see Jemmiah lying half on, half off the young Jonas Suul. "Sith!" he exclaimed. "She must have been hit!" He started to stand up from the shelter of the bar, only to feel a tug on his bandages pull him down again.

"Where do you think you are going?" Zac asked in amazement.

"My girlfriend's been shot! Where do you think I'm going?" Obi-Wan tried to shrug him off, when a ricochet from of the bar shattered the mirror on the wall. "Seven years bad luck." Obi-Wan muttered.

"Yes, but for who?" Simeon wondered.

"I nominate Obi." Zac nodded at his fellow padawan. "He's at the healers so often that he wouldn't notice seven years bad luck if it bit him on the rear."

Dismayed, Obi-Wan had no option but to remain hidden with his companions. Not for the first time did he wonder at how extremely jealous he felt whenever Jemmiah was anywhere near another male. This was no exception, only on this occasion he felt more concerned than jealous. It wasn't as if she was able to get up to much whilst she was unconscious�

Jay tried to open the bottle with his teeth, just to look cool, but failed on both accounts. "I can't do this," he said.

"I'll have a go." Jodi strained at the top for a while.

Tanni's feline pupils contracted, intent on the villains who were threatening to turn him into a rug. His teeth were bared in a mirthless smile; whiskers outstretched and claws scraping the bar top. That fellow he'd hit with the chair earlier hadn't developed a sense of humor in the interim. The Togorian blocked a blaster bolt with the force and deflected it sideways so that it singed Dex's hair on the way past.

"Whose side are you on?" Berlingside hollered.

The large cat responded by levitating an ice cube in the air and sending it flying towards one of the men that had wanted his hide for boot trimmings.

"You aren't s'posed to use the Force to attack!" Letina said hoarsely.

"I'm not attacking," Tanni growled. "I'm defending. They've got blasters and we've got ice cubes. Does that seem like a fair comparison to you?"

"I can't get this open either!" Jodi admitted defeat.

"You guys are hopeless!" Kylenn took the bottle from him. "Let me have a go." The top uncorked itself in her hands.

"See? What was so difficult about that?" she asked triumphantly.

"We loosened it." Jay said huffily, snatching the bottle back.

Simeon followed Tanni's example with the ice cubes from the bucket. Using the force he lifted them onto the bar in a neat row, before launching them like torpedoes. "Let's see how they like this!" Simeon snorted as he hurled them into mid air and let them fall like giant hailstones onto the troublemakers. "Good shot, Tanni!"

"We're going to run out of ice cubes." Abran said testily. "Then what do we do?"

"We turn you into a catapult," Obi-Wan replied.

Abran watched as the ice cubes began to fall thick and fast. As he predicted his ammunition was about to run out�

Taking a swig of the drink everything suddenly seemed to take second place. The bar fight, his friends, the entire galaxy all ceased to have any coherent meaning.

"Jay?" Obi-Wan asked as he ducked some flying glass. "What in Sith is wrong?"

Abran couldn't answer, gesturing to his throat in a frantic manner.

"What IS that stuff?" Kylenn gulped.

Simeon picked up the bottle and squinted long and hard at the faded writing. "Volcano!" he whistled through his teeth. "Red Volcano! Sheeesh, Jay!"

"People have exploded drinking that!" Obi-Wan began to worry.

Dimallie routed around in her pockets. "I have a bacta plaster here," she said hopefully.

"What, you gonna stick him back together again when he's gone bang?" Jodi shrunk away.

Jay exhaled frantically, sending a large cloud of Red Volcano laden breath to intersect the path of an oncoming blaster bolt. The fireball that resulted was pretty darned impressive, Kenobi thought.

"Who needs the catapult," Obi-Wan shouted loudly. "Quick guys, give him some more of that stuff!"