A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


The officer looked at the results his computer was relaying.

"Ohhhhhhhh dear!" He shook his head. "Oh, dear. Not good at all."

"Why do you sound as if you're enjoying this?" Simeon asked.

"Because I am." He grinned. "Never nicked a Jedi before. What a feather this'll be in my cap!"

"But I'm telling you, I've no idea how this happened." Biwo tried to explain. "One minute I was having a quiet drink with some friends�"

"Must've been one heck of a drink." The officer remarked, looking at the readings.

"�and the next I'm up a fountain as naked as Qui-Gon's chin!"

"Qui-Gon Jinn?" he asked.

"No, I said Qui-Gon's chin."

"Don't get smart!" The officer signaled to his Sergeant. "Right, let's get this Jedi reprobate into the air car�"

Qui-Gon cut in front of the young man. "You will let him go." He said with a wave of the hand.

"I will let him go," the Sergeant intoned.

"No you won't! What the hell do you think you're saying?" the officer screeched.

"He is an innocent man and must be released."

"You are an innocent man and must be released," the Sergeant replied.

"You are going to be busted so far down you'll have a job shining my boots!" The officer said. "What about the readings of that machine? Never thought of that, did you?"

"The readings on that machine are false and must be destroyed," Qui-Gon suggested.

"Destroyed," agreed the Sergeant.

"What?" exclaimed Bull neck.

"You can go about your business."

"You can go about your business."

"Move along."

"Move along, if you please sir. You don't want to catch your death," the Sergeant said.

Obi-Wan watched as the Officer began to try and call in reinforcements. "What about him?" He nodded at Qui-Gon. "We can't leave him like that!"

"I know," mused Qui-Gon. "Got any ideas?"

Kenobi looked from the Sergeant to the fountain and back to the officer with a sudden grin.

"As a matter of fact, Master, I have�"

*******

"So what do you think of it so far?" Jemmiah asked Leona with a lopsided smile.

"You don't hear me complaining." Leona replied deliriously. "This is quite a tonic. I'm going to recommend it to all our patients back at the infirmary."

Meri giggled. "I can't see An-Paj and Simeon doing this sort of thing." She nodded at the floor where several bronzed Adonis' were lining up for the big finale to part one of the show.

"Doing what?" She frowned.

Jemmiah laced her hands together and cracked her fingers, sitting back in her seat with a very satisfied look on her face as a barrow-load of confectionery was carted on.

"DOUGHNUT TIME!" She grinned.

*******

"Serves him right," said Biwo.

The party of Jedi all stood gathered round the fountain, staring upwards once more into the icy, cold spray falling over the marble Corellian figure at the top, armed with her trident. Sitting with a fixed and somewhat glazed expression on his face was the Security Officer, minus his clothes, with legs wrapped firmly round the neck of the statue.

"He seems happy enough." Obi-Wan remarked casually.

"I think you have a devious streak in you, Padawan."

"I fear you are right. Master Yoda has led me to believe I take after my master in this respect."

"Aren't you worried?"

"Master?"

"That this is a misuse of the Force?"

Obi-Wan dismissed the idea. "Not really. This isn't revenge, it's about protecting the innocent."

"Who is that?" Simeon frowned.

"Us." Obi-Wan grinned.

"And the not so innocent." Qui-Gon reminded. "Imagine going to a strip club!"

"They mustn't have realized what it was." Obi-Wan shook his head. "Leona would never let them go to somewhere like that if she did."

Qui-Gon nodded. "We'd better go there quickly. I'm not having Jemmiah's mind warped with acts of degrading perversity."

Simeon made a derogatory noise with his throat. "Rela and Meri are old enough to know what's right and wrong. Jemmiah and her friend are both only sixteen." Qui-Gon explained to Biwo. "I only hope that Leona takes them all out when she finds out what that place is all about."

"And him?" Simeon looked up again at the Officer.

"Obi-Wan's right. He's happy up there. I've instructed the Sergeant to call for help in an hour or so." Qui-Gon grinned. "Just long enough for him to get a taste of what it's like to be caught in an embarrassing situation."

"Who's being devious now, master?" Kenobi laughed.

*******

Sybelle, Dimallie, Letina and Mace all hurried towards the Blue Mountain, trying to locate the erstwhile members of their group. Privately, Mace couldn't stop grinning at the thought of Leona and company attending a strip show. From now on he'd see the healer in a completely new light. And not an unpleasant one either. Nobody would call her Pipsqueak ever again�

"What is your plan of action?" Mace asked somewhat breathlessly as Dimallie staggered around ahead of him.

"I don't have one." The apprentice healer mumbled.

"What?" chuckled Mace. "You can't just walk in there and demand to get your master out of there. And anyhow, she's probably sitting in there right now enjoying herself!"

Dimallie shook her head. "My master would never enjoy something as disgusting as that," she said.

*******

"I've not enjoyed myself like this in such a long time." Leona giggled.

"That's the drink talking." Rela admonished. "Shame on you, Leona! Setting such a bad example to us innocent youngsters!"

"That blonde guy can move!" Meri smiled, emptying a bottle of water over her short hair.

"He can move me any day." Spider sighed.

"What's the matter?" Leona asked Jemmy.

"Nothing," she smirked. "It's just�you've got crystallized sugar all over your hands."

*******

"There's Griff!" Sybelle frowned as her boyfriend walked towards them on the other side of the road. "Where has he been?"

"Jay looks a bit annoyed." Letina observed. "Zac and Jodi don't look too happy either. Sort of, er, flushed."

"Embarrassed," agreed Mace. "Sign of a guilty conscience. But why?"

"Maybe they've seen my master on their travels." Dimallie wondered. "Let's ask them."

Griff looked up from the ground where he'd been staring, trying to forget his utter humiliation some thirty minutes earlier. So strong had his abashment been that they'd been forced to stop off in a neighboring cantina to recover a little. And just to make his evening complete, there was his girlfriend waving to him on the other side of the street.

"Where have you been?" Sybelle asked as she managed to catch up with him.

"Drinking., he said truthfully.

"You haven't seen my master, have you?" Dimallie asked.

"Oh yeah, she's sitting in the front row at the Blue Mountain. Getting a good, long look at the action." Griff said sarcastically.

Sybelle stared. "How the hell would you know?" she spat.

"Well, I�er." Griff began, "It's like this. We, er�"

"You don't have an answer, do you?" Sybelle's eyes were wild.

"Not really." He admitted. "You're not really angry with me, are you?"

She threw her head back proudly. "Well, I �er. It's like this." She mimicked. "YES!"

Griff saw the hand that nearly connected with his face and moved backwards. "You nearly hurt me!" He said, affronted.

"I'll try better next time!" she said, as she kicked him in the jaw.

Letina, Jay and company gawked at Sybelle.

"Now steady on!" Mace stepped in.

"You want more of the same?" she yelled, forgetting whom she was speaking to.

Mace put his hands up and backed off. "Domestic affairs really aren't my thing." He smiled weakly.

Griff sat there on the pavement and spat out a tooth. "How COULD you?" She screamed. " MALE STRIPPERS! You little�urgh! Get outa my sight!"

"Sybelle, wait up! You've got it all wrong! I didn't know they were men! I thought they were going to be women!"

Mace and Dimallie exchanged looks at the crunching finger sound that followed. "You'd think he'd learn to keep his big mouth shut, wouldn't you?" Mace said.

*******

"I can't believe we're in here." Qui-Gon growled. "This place is positively seedy."

"We should find Jemmy in here." Simeon said cheerfully.

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both glared at him.

"Sorry!" Simeon said.

Apparently there had been a small amount of trouble at the end of the last part of the act. A shortage of doughnuts had caused a frenzied stampede, whereupon the performers had locked themselves in their dressing rooms until it was safe to come back out�

"I can't believe you said that." Obi-Wan refused to look his master in the face.

"Somebody had to say something." Jinn replied, looking none too happy.

"Yes, but did you have to ask the manager if he had four girls and a lady in there?" The padawan still looked mortified.

"Well, you weren't exactly much use, were you?" Jinn answered. "Telling him that *He WOULD let us in to search? * You have a lot to learn when it comes to mind tricks, my Padawan."

Obi-Wan scowled through his black eye. "Let's just find them and get out!"

"My sentiments exactly. It's cost me an arm and a leg just to get in. Especially seeing the manager put the price up after your botched attempt at getting in for nothing�"

"OK. I'm sorry!" Kenobi grumbled.

"You can always stay and watch the show!" Simeon replied.

The two regarded him icily. "Shut up Cates." They said.

"Right." Qui-Gon said. "Before the second half starts. They're at the front tables, do you see? Let's grab them and run!"

"What am I s'posed to grab them with. My teeth?" Obi-Wan looked at his hands.

"In your dreams." Simeon sighed.

"Just�herd them out." Qui-Gon swallowed. "We'll have to go onto the stage floor. Ready?"

"I'm glad we let Hmiol go with Biwo." Obi-Wan muttered. "He would go all red and blotchy with embarrassment."

"GO!" Qui-Gon marched swiftly towards the stage from the right hand side.

Jemmiah spotted them first and nudged Leona sharply on the arm. "Oh, hell!" Leona gulped. "My date has come to claim me!"

"That's good," Jemmiah actually looked a little scared, "It's the angel of death that's coming to claim me!"

One look at the determination on Obi-Wan's face told Leona that Jemmiah wasn't too far off the mark. Qui-Gon saw them all shrink down in their seats as if that was going to save them. Ha, he thought, let's see them get out of this!

As he continued to march along the stage floor until he was only four tables away, Lilith stood up and pointed. "It's the half time entertainment ladies, and they've come dressed as Jedi! Who wants a piece of the action?"

The stampede of excited females and the crash of overturning tables filled the entire room and Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon drag him to safety to avoid the sea of female bodies.

"I want his braid as a souvenir!" someone shouted. "Where are those jack scissors?"

Simeon's eyes went wide with horror. "Lemme outa here!" He screamed.

"I want the tall one!" screamed another.

Qui-Gon decided it wasn't the right time to try and persuade them they were not part of the act.

"Everyone out of here!" He shouted, pushing Obi-Wan away. He could see Jemmiah and Rela making their way not far behind him out the side exit and into the night air.

He found another skip outside and crouched down low behind it, Obi-Wan and Simeon flattening themselves as small as they could. Jemmiah and the others were on the verge of running past with the other women when an arm reached up and caught Rela, pulling her down besides them.

"Hey!" She growled. "What's the big idea?"

"What's the big idea of you going to see male strippers?" he snapped back.

"I'm old enough to do what I want." Rela remarked.

"You maybe," nodded Qui-Gon. "Not Jemmiah."

"I don't know who you're talking about." Sniffed Jemmy. "That's not my name. My name is Jaina."

"And mine is Scarlet." Rela glared.

Qui-Gon glared. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

*******

They waited until the frantic crowd of females had all run past them round to the front of the building and then when Qui-Gon was convinced that it was OK to proceed they finally fled the premises.

"What were you doing at a place like that?" he snapped at Rela.

"Oh, come on. It was a bit of harmless fun." The red head retorted. "I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem?" Qui-Gon jerked a finger at Jemmiah and Spider. "I'll tell you, shall I? The problem is that these two are sixteen years of age and sneaked away to see a show rated as not suitable for those under eighteen. That is the problem. I can't believe you sat there and did nothing."

"I didn't just do nothing." Rela offered a grin. "I threw some doughnuts!"

Qui-Gon covered his ears. "I don't want to hear this." He spun on his heel. "And you. What excuses have you got?"

Jemmiah stared at her feet. "I didn't throw any doughnuts," she replied.

"Good."

"I ate mine!" she giggled.

Kenobi's face gave away his displeasure. "That explains all the jam round your mouth."

Meri and Rela stifled their laughter.

"Saved you some." Jemmy dug into her jacket and removed a napkin folded over a couple of doughnuts.

"Really?" Obi-Wan frowned.

"Want one?" Jemmiah walked over to him. "I'll feed it to you, if you want."

Qui-Gon watched his padawan's dark mood dissipate completely as Jemmiah held up the doughnut for Obi-Wan to bite. "You fickle individual. She's got you well trained, hasn't she? All she has to do is wave some food under your nose and you cave in totally." Qui-Gon hissed at the apprentice.

"Mmmm. They're not bad actually." Obi-Wan smiled. "They could have done with some more jam. But certainly edible."

Jemmiah whispered something in Obi-Wan's ear and Qui-Gon saw the smile on the young man's face grow to epic proportions.

"Really?" he said, delighted.

"Uh-huh."

"Well, in that case I'll forgive you." Obi-Wan said in between mouthfuls of doughnut.

"Oh, Ben. Your poor eye! What happened? Does it hurt?"

"Kiss it better?" The padawan asked hopefully. He smirked as he saw his master hovering uncomfortably in the background. As Jemmy stood on her toes to kiss his bruised eye Obi-Wan winked at her suggestively.

"Do you want to know what else got damaged in the stampede?" he whispered.

"If it doesn't work it's not much use to me," she laughed.

"Don't s'pose you want to kiss that better, do you?"

"Why on Coruscant would I want to kiss your chrono?" She indicated the timepiece with the newly acquired scratch on it.

"Sith!" Obi-Wan frowned.

Jemmiah turned back to face Qui-Gon. "Master Jinn, it was only a bit of a laugh. And before you have a go at Leona we forced her to come with us. She would have left but when we made it clear that we weren't going to leave with her she decided that morally speaking she had to stay and look after us."

Leona gasped. That wasn't really how it had been at all. She was on the verge of denying it and admitting her part but then she saw Jemmiah's subtle shake of the head and realized she was trying to salvage her date tomorrow with Qui-Gon. If she confessed now she might as well just throw it all away�

Qui-Gon turned to face her with a small but grateful smile. "I expected no less." He said. "I'm sorry you were made to suffer like that and I thank you for keeping them out of harms way."

"Apart from the doughnuts," Cates chimed in.

"That's OK." Leona stuttered. "It was no hardship, er, I mean it wasn't so bad�"

Lilith and Krelo appeared out the side exit.

"Did you see the look on Jinn's face? I thought he was going to collapse!" Lilith crowed. "All those women! At his age that could well have proved lethal! And that poor padawan of his with his arms all bandaged up. He looked like one of those mummies we helped unwrap in the first half!"

"I know." Krelo agreed. "It was Simeon's expression when that girl tried to cut his braid off that did it for me!"

Lilith shook her head. "Have you ever seen three less likely candidates to be male strippers!?" She screamed, the tears of laughter running down her face. "By the time you got their clothes off the urge to throw doughnuts would've completely worn off!"

"What sort of doughnut rating would you give them all?" Krelo wiped at her eyes with her hand.

"What, Qui-Gon?" Lilith smirked. "Let me see�er�"

"You're next word had better be TEN, or you are in a serious amount of trouble." Qui-Gon suddenly appeared from nowhere.

"Someone's got a good conceit of himself." Lilith eyed him. "Why don't you prove it?"

"How could you just stand there and let them go to a strip show?" Jinn demanded.

"Why don't you let that girl have a life?" Lilith shot back. "And I'd only rate you at four doughnuts anyway! Oh, look Krel, he's gonna collapse again!"

Qui-Gon took off down the road after the fugitive Lilith and Krelo, who were calling out doughnut ratings as they went.

"Hey, for an old guy he can move some!" Krelo panted.

"He's still only a four!" Lilith laughed breathlessly.

"Sith!" Krelo looked over her shoulder. "They're ALL chasing us!"

"How can you tell?" Lilith panted.

As the bleached blonde woman looked behind her she could make out Qui-Gon's equally tall and imposing figure racing after them.

Further behind, in the darkness of night, there was nothing to be seen�

Except for a crescent shaped illuminated smile floating along in the background.

*******

"Speak to him!" urged Letina.

"No!" Sybelle folded her arms. "Never again. EVER!" She raised her voice so that Griff could hear.

"Tell her that I'm not speaking to her either." Griff replied with his back to her.

"He's not speaking to you." Jay said.

"Tell him he can go to hell!"

"She says you can go to hell." Jay said.

"Tell her that she's mentally unstable!" Griff winced as she looked at his fingers.

"You're mentally unstable," Jay remarked.

Sybelle stamped on his foot.

"Aaaaaaah!" Abran yelped. "Not me! He said it!"

"Yes, but you are nearer!" Sybelle flamed at him.

The Jumpin' Jax was the antithesis of it's name. If the moniker suggested a place teeming with life and vibrant party going atmosphere, then perhaps its name should have changed to The Morgue.

"I've seen more life inside of Dimallie's brain." Zac pulled a face.

"Where's Jemmy? She'll get this place sorted out." Letina replied as she swirled her yellow cocktail drink with its tacky swizzle stick.

"She's out seeing the sights," Jodi laughed.

"Talking of sights," Abran looked round from the long bench he had parked himself on, "here's Biwo and Hmiol! Sith! Look at him!"

Biwo stood, dripping slightly with water, hair plastered untidily to his face.

"When I find the little rat who did this to me, I'll have their sorry rear in front of the council!" he stated calmly.

Hmiol's eyes bugged, because he knew he was guilty. Jay Abran's eyes bugged, because he knew he'd stolen the bottle from Hmiol's pocket. Kylenn's eyes bugged, because she knew that Jay had stolen it from Hmiol's pocket. "Give it here." She hissed under her breath to Abran.

"What?"

"Give it here! They won't think I'll have it. I'll just keep it for the moment, OK?" She moaned at the pain from the headache she was suffering from.

"You alright?" Jay asked as he delved deep in his pockets and pulled out the Yenera extract in its container.

"Not really." She said. "I feel as if there's an invisible Bantha sitting on my face.

"You've not had a good night out unless you get the invisible Bantha." Jay smiled, turning Kylenn's legs to mush. "Here you go. Take care of it. It's precious stuff."

Kylenn fingered the little bottle for a moment. It was very difficult when you were expected to be nice all the time, even when you were basically a nice person like she was. A good person. But now� The bottle weighed heavily in her pocket. The temptation was utterly irresistible.

Nobody would suspect her.

Nice little Kylenn? Sweet little Padawan Imri, who never thought a bad thought or said a bad word? Who would think it of her? And if she did? Was it the darkside calling her or merely too much Purple Twilight? She listened to the tiny voices arguing in her head and decided to let common sense prevail. Until she heard�

"I don't care what Qui-Gon Jinn says. He can stick up for the little Womp Rat all he likes. She's vermin. Should have been drowned at birth and then maybe we could all have had some peace."

Sal-Fina.

No prizes as to who she was referring to, thought Kylenn angrily. She tried to squash down the feeling of irritation at the thought of that old hag speaking that way about Jemmy but it wouldn't go away. Would it really matter if she�

NO! STOP IT!

"She hasn't any real class." Ambianca remarked. "A rich uncle doesn't necessarily mean you have any breeding. A Murrit dressed in silk is still just a Murrit at the end of the day."

"How true, padawan." Sal-Fina nodded.

Both of them. What could be better?

YES. DO IT. DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR NERVE.

*******

Lilith ran into the cantina and straight up to the bar some fifteen minutes later with Krelo not far behind. "A glass of your best draught ale for my friend and the old wreck of a man who's just crawling in through the doorway," Lilith hailed the barman.

Qui-Gon was virtually bent double as he leaned heavily on the doorframe. As he stopped, Simeon, who had caught up with him, couldn't slow to a stop and ran into the back of him, followed by Obi-Wan and Leona.

"S'posed to wait 'til tomorrow for that," Lilith said with a smirk as Jinn lay flat on the ground with Leona across him.

"You just wait," he wheezed, "until I've got my breath back."

"You shouldn't be saying that to me either," she leered.

"Why didn't you use the force?" Krelo wondered. "You could have caught us easily in seconds."

"That wouldn't have been very sporting, would it?" he gasped. "About as sporting as calling me a four rating."

He helped Leona to the bar. "These our drinks?" He pointed at the tray.

"Must be." Dex came to join them, removing a brandy from the collection of glasses.

"What are you having?" Qui-Gon asked Leona.

Leona studied the selection and turned up her nose. "I think I'll just order a fruit cocktail," she replied.

"Sensible woman." Rela clapped her on the shoulder. "Jemmy? What are you having?"

Jemmiah eyed the large glass of brandy on the tray but Qui-Gon got there first.

"Uh-uh, Tangles. This is mine!" he pronounced.

"Just one sip."

"No."

"Oh, go onnnnn," she wheedled.

"No. It's too strong."

She snorted. "One tiny, little insignificant mouthful�"

"A mouthful? It was a sip a moment ago."

"Please? To help make my fruit cocktail more palatable."

Qui-Gon sighed. "One mouthful," he warned.

He watched as she attempted to sneak in an extra large mouthful but he pulled the glass away from her. "Enough," he said.

"What's that stuff like?" Obi-Wan asked his master.

"I suppose you want some now."

"Now you mention it�"

"Oh, go on." He let Obi-Wan drink out the other side of his glass.

Kylenn watched in abject horror as she saw her friends indulging in the drinks that she'd doctored. They'd been meant for Sal-Fina and her obnoxious padawan. Of course, she'd had to spike the lot in order to make sure she'd got her but in her semi-drunken state she'd never thought about whom might claim the other glasses�

By her reckoning both Obi and Jemmy had taken a small mouthful. Quite how that would affect them she really wouldn't like to say. Probably make them a little frisky, she thought, but then they were usually over each other like a rash so perhaps nobody would notice.

Qui-Gon sat and knocked back his glass of brandy. Beside him, Dex was also imbibing in one of the contaminated drinks.

Sal-Fina and Ambianca were drinking like fish and going for second glasses.

Kylenn gulped as the nasty voices in her head died skewered in her brain at long last�.

But it was too late.

*******

Leona felt the movement on her back and frowned.

Qui-Gon did have his arm draped loosely behind her but that he would be so bold in public astonished her. The tickling sensation was far from unpleasant however and Leona started to smile.

If that's how brandy affected him then maybe she should offer to get him a refill.

There it was again.

She could see Sal-Fina scowling in the background and decided that she would make the most of this small triumph, so when the tickling began again she closed her eyes in pleasure. Well, this was turning out to be a very good evening indeed�

*******

Jemmy watched as Spider searched the floor. And her pockets. And the floor again. And her pockets again. "What is wrong?" she asked her friend. "Ants in your pants?"

Spider looked miserable. "I've lost it."

"What?"

"Where could it be? I had it five minutes ago and now it's not here!"

"Calm down!" Jemmy commanded. "What have you lost."

Spider groaned. "My Dinko," she said.

*******

"This is just a quick game." Jemmiah replied. "So get your drinks in fast, guys. I need a few volunteers for this. Who wants to play?"

Obi-Wan leered at her.

"A quick game? I can't leave without my Dinko!" hissed Spider.

"We'll find it, don't worry!" Jemmy reassured her. "Meri? You got those questions?"

Meri and Jemmiah held up some more sheets of flimsy, which had numerous questions written on one side. When she looked at Obi-Wan, Jemmiah had to fight off the urge to throw herself on his lap.

What the heck is wrong with me? She wondered, grinning. I just can't seem to keep my hands off the boy!

Kylenn gulped, watching the lingering eye contact between the two, just hoping they'd be able to contain themselves. Well, Kenobi didn't have much of a choice what with his bandaged arms but even so when Jemmy moved away he positively ogled her. They'd drunk less than the rest and Kylenn hoped that whatever was going to happen would be of short duration�

Qui-Gon looked at the flimsy sheets in Meri's hand. "Not more soul bearing," he groaned.

"If you listen you'll find out." Jemmiah winked at Obi-Wan. "Meri? Want to explain?"

Meri stood up. "This is a little game where you answer the questions on the sheet as best as you can." She smiled beguilingly. "The person with the best answers gets a mystery prize. But there IS a catch."

"I knew it," grumbled Mace. "There's always something."

"What catch?" Depa Billaba called out.

"You have to answer these questions in the style of Master Yoda." Jemmy grinned.

"What!" exclaimed An-Paj. "That's more than our lives are worth!"

"We have to pretend we are Yoda, is that what you're saying?" Leona smiled as the tickling sensation got lower on her back.

"Precisely," Meri answered. "Just think how Yoda would answer these questions and fill them in, as imaginatively as possible."

Qui-Gon felt smug. At last, here was the perfect opportunity to put his years as Yoda's padawan to good effect. And perhaps a little chance for revenge in the process�

"I'll be only too happy to do it," Jinn agreed.

"That goes double for me," Mace nodded.

"And me," chipped in Dex.

"Come on, cowards!" Jemmy laughed at the nervous faces all around her. "It's not like he's ever going to see these, is it?"

"Right," Depa snatched at her form. "This is too good a chance to miss!"

Qui-Gon stared down at his questions.

THE MASTER YODA TEST.

Answer the following questions in the style of everyone's favorite Jedi Master. The most imaginative will win a prize.

1. What advice would you give to a young padawan who is aspiring to become a Jedi Knight?

2. If you could change one thing about the galaxy, what would it be and how would you do it?

3. Your opinion of padawans in general is what?

4. What things make you sad?

5. What things make you happy?

6. What advice would you give to a young knight on choosing a padawan for the first time?

7. What sort of hobbies do you have? How do you like to relax?

8. What would you most change about the temple if you had the chance?

9. If you were stuck in a really boring council meeting for hours and hours, how would you get out of it?

10. If you could be any historical figure, past or present, whom would it be and why?

*******

Spider was still searching the floor on her hands and knees.

"What is wrong?" Rela frowned.

"Look, just ignore me," she grumbled. "I've never met this Yoda character so I'll have to sit this one out."

"But what are you doing?" Rela squinted at the floor.

"I've lost�something."

"Something?"

Spider sat up. "I'll give you a clue. It's furry, it has a bad temper and it was in my pocket quarter of an hour ago."

"Oh."

"Keep your eyes peeled, would you?" Spider pleaded. "They like to be kept warm so it might try to find a cosy nook or cranny somewhere."

"As long as it's not mine," mumbled Rela.

Jemmiah sat and took a sip of her fruit drink, all the time staring across at Obi-Wan over the rim.

Kylenn resisted the urge to bang her head against the table. Kenobi was almost drooling.

"Padawan?" Jinn asked in a worried tone of voice. "You seem distracted. Are you OK?"

"Perfectly," he replied with a lusty grin.

"You don't seem to be able to concentrate." Qui-Gon's eyes flicked over towards Jemmiah who was batting her eyelids at the apprentice suggestively.

"Untie my arms please, Master!" Obi-Wan begged.

"You're hands are broken!"

"I'll manage somehow," he breathed.

"Absolutely not," Jinn refused.

"I'm a fast healer." Obi-Wan objected. "And I feel I'm in need of some alternative therapy."

"Just answer the questions." Qui-Gon shook his head.

Jemmiah blew Obi-Wan a kiss. "Oh, this is sooooo unfair!" Kenobi struggled against his bandages.

"Padawan! What has come over you?" Qui-Gon became anxious.

"Do you know what she said to me?" Obi-Wan's face became an image of ecstasy. "She said she only went to that strip show to get some ideas for when we were alone�"

"In that case I'll make sure the pair of you are never alone until you qualify for a state pension!" Qui-Gon snapped.

"I think that's sweet!" Obi-Wan protested.

"If I ever find doughnut crumbs on your blankets you will not live to see the consequences."

Obi-Wan said nothing. "How about a Corellian Cream Horn?" He grinned.

"Padawan!"

"Sticky Toffee pudding?"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Chocolate muffin?"

"You are on your last warning!" Qui-Gon hissed. "Now behave! Gods, you were supposed to hit this hormone-induced haze of idiocy five years ago! Why start it now?"

"I'm a late developer. And I've got some catching up to do." He growled as Jemmy purred at him from her seat. He swallowed. "This is torture," he whimpered.

"Fill in the questions and take your mind off it." Qui-Gon replied as Jemmiah chewed on the end of the writing implement.

"How does she do that? That is just the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life�"

"I'm getting An-Paj." Qui-Gon threatened.

Obi-Wan froze. "I'll write out the answers," he replied

Leona heard it all from her seat on the other side of Qui-Gon and began to wonder if the same thing that had happened to Biwo was somehow affecting Jinn's padawan and his girlfriend. Qui-Gon, arm still draped loosely round the back of her, tugged at the open neck of his tunic as if it had suddenly become too uncomfortable for him.

It must be catching, she thought, as she watched Dex subconsciously so the same.

And yet Qui-Gon was not so distracted that he didn't keep up his campaign of tickling�

*******

Ten minutes later and Meri called time on the questionnaire.

"Who wants to go first?" She smiled.

"I think my padawan ought to." Qui-Gon said dryly.

"What?" Obi-Wan said distractedly as he watched Jemmiah trace her finger round the rim of her glass.

Qui-Gon whispered at him.

"I think you need a healthy diversion. Read out your answers and stop looking at Jemmiah's cleavage. I think you'll find that's where you left your eyes."

"Is that where they went?" Kenobi smiled. "Why don't I join them?"

Obi-Wan felt himself being stood on his feet with help from the force.

"Er�my answers, yes. OK." He looked down at the sheet.

"No. 1: What advice would you give to a young padawan who is aspiring to become a Jedi knight?

Answer: Eat plenty of gruel, you should. And greens strained through an old sock. Prepare you for being a foul tempered old master it will, hee-hee!

Qui-Gon glared threateningly at him.

No. 2: If you could change one thing about the galaxy a) what would it be and b) how would you do it?

Answer: a) More female Jedi b) Be impertinent you should not!

Leona snickered, all the time aware of Qui-Gon's fingers getting lower down. Briefly she wondered what length of arms the man had and then dismissed it.

No.3: Your opinion of padawans in general is what?

Answer: The padawans of today, tomorrow's masters they are. Gods save the temple.

"How true." An-Paj said drolly, looking at Simeon.

No.4: What things make you sad?

Answer: Not as fast with my stick as once I was. Hrmph!

"Thank the force." Qui-Gon raised his eyes praisingly to the heavens.

No.5: What things make you happy?

Answer: Hemorrhoid cream.

Simeon grinned.

No.6: What advice would you give to a young knight on choosing a padawan for the first time?

Answer: Make up the same stupid rules that your master did. Then hit them for disobeying rules you haven't yet made up. Work this does!

"You think masters make up stupid rules, do you, Padawan?" Qui-Gon asked.

No.7: What sort of hobbies do you have? How do you like to relax?

Answer: Tug My Slug (like to read the publication as well, I do).

Everyone screamed uproariously.

"I don't believe you said that." Qui-Gon covered his face in embarrassment.

No.8: What would you most change about the temple if you had the chance?

Answer: Create a Jedi Nude Calendar, I would!

"But who would you get to be in it? Are there any six doughnut rated guys in the building?" Lilith grinned.

"She'll let you know in the morning," grinned Obi-Wan lasciviously at his girlfriend. Fortunately only Lilith heard that remark over the din of laughter.

No.9: If you were stuck in a really boring council meeting for hours and hours, how would you get out of it?

Answer: Picture my fellow council members in their underwear, I would. Help this does not. Pass the time it does.

"That's disgusting." Depa Billaba snorted.

"Too right." snorted Mace.

"The thought of Windu in his under wear�urgh!" She shuddered.

No.10: If you could be any historical figure, past or present, whom would it be and why?

Answer: Chancellor Valorum I would be. Plenty of crumbs in his bed there are, hee-hee!

Qui-Gon eyed Obi-Wan with the warmth of a snake eyeing up its supper.

"Let me put this in a way that Master Yoda might approve." Jinn smiled coldly at Obi-Wan. " In big poodoo you are, young Kenobi!"

"Bravo!" Jemmy clapped repeatedly. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner!"

"You're biased." Mace grumbled.

"And you haven't heard the others yet." Qui-Gon watched as Jemmiah pouted at Obi-Wan.

He was going to have that boy castrated�

"You see master, she knows what she likes." He sighed dramatically.

"She usually gets it, too." Muttered Zac to Jay.

"Does this mean I get you as the prize?" Obi-Wan asked Jemmy cheekily.

"Padawan!" Qui-Gon actually kicked him lightly on the foot.

"Would you like that?" She flirted.

"Oh, yes! Then you could unwrap me piece by piece�"

"Moving swiftly on," Meri interrupted to save Qui-Gon any further embarrassment, "Master Berlingside? Would you read us your answers?"

Dex stood up, blocking Kenobi's view of Jemmiah much to the padawan's chagrin. As he began to read, Obi-Wan started to slide sideways so he could get a better view. Until Qui-Gon pulled him back up by the scruff of the neck.

Dex flicked back his silvery blonde hair with a surreptitious hand movement.

1. What advice would you give to a young padawan who is aspiring to become a Jedi knight?

Answer: Learn and study your master's every move. Then ignore him you should. Wrong he will be, and telling you there's always a bigger fish just so he may appear cool and look as if he knows what he is talking about, hmmm?

Obi-Wan heartily approved of Dex's insult regarding his master's favorite saying. If he heard it one more time he thought he might go round the twist�

2. If you could change one thing about the galaxy, what would it be and how would you do it?

Answer: a) A compulsive ban on corporal punishment b) with my stick!

"That I can believe." Mace agreed as Obi-Wan tried his hardest to peer past Dex.

"Will you stop fidgeting!" Qui-Gon admonished. "Have you got worms again?"

3. Your opinion of padawans in general is what?

Answer: Like them I do. Eat a whole one I could not.

Jemmiah leaned on her shoulder and stared fixedly at Obi-Wan.

"I could." She mouthed at him.

4. What things make you sad?

Answer: Mature enough to know how to treat women properly I am. Sadly, too old to do anything about it I am.

"I'm sure Sal-Fina could make him a very happy troll." Jemmiah laughed, eyes never straying from her boyfriend for a single second. Obi-Wan started to tilt onto his side again, craning his head round Dex's thigh�

5. What things make you happy?

Answer: Again, old age. At last an excuse for acting senile and hitting padawans I have!

"It never stopped him in the past." Qui-Gon muttered irritably. "I still have the scars."

6. What advice would you give to a young knight on choosing a padawan for the first time?

Answer: Choose a really stupid padawan, you should. Then laugh at your own faults nobody will. (Lead by example, I do. Many padawans have I taken. Each more stupid than the last)

Everyone pointed at Qui-Gon in glee.

"I do NOT find that amusing." He snorted watching his sliding padawan.

7. What sort of hobbies do you have? How do you like to relax?

Answer: Knitting, crochet, flower arranging, smelling babies and kissing flowers. Cross-dressing (at weekends).

"It's a lot closer to the mark than you think." Qui-Gon muttered.

8. What would you most change about the temple if you had the chance?

Answer: Padawan Kenobi's socks. Hee-hee!

"There I'm in entire agreement!" Jinn pulled Obi-Wan up by his tunic top. "Have you developed a list? Sit straight padawan!"

9. If you were stuck in a really boring council meeting for hours and hours, how would you get out of it?

Answer: Sing at everyone I would. Overcome with the emotion they would be, and forced to leave and wipe their tears of joy.

"And you think it's all glamour being a council member." Mace gritted his teeth. "These days you get free earplugs when you sign on the dotted line�"

10. If you could be any historical figure, past or present, whom would it be and why?

Answer: The Blessed Sister Marsha I would be. Kind to children she was. A good role model she was. Considerate to those less fortunate she was. And the rough texture of the habit and undergarments, a considerable bonus they are, tee hee!

"Into rough stuff, is he?" Obi-Wan winked at Jemmiah, who sat fanning herself with a crinkled questionnaire form.

"I need a drink." Jemmiah smiled coyly at Obi-Wan. "I need to cool down."

"Good idea." Jinn mumbled.

"I want one too!" Obi-Wan replied. "I'll help you�"

"No you don't, padawan. I want you where I can see you at all times."

"But-"

"No buts!" Qui-Gon cut him off.

Obi-Wan continued his ridiculous campaign to rid himself of his bandages again in utter desperation, shaking from side to side like an escapologist in chains. But An-Paj was a very thorough man�

"This is so incredibly frustrating!" Obi-Wan grimaced letting his eyes follow Jemmy towards the bar.

"Stay put, Padawan!" Qui-Gon warned. "Don't get any ideas."

"Too late, I'm afraid master." He sighed.

Qui-Gon just couldn't comprehend the change in his apprentice in so short a time. Usually the epitome of calm, stoicism and (outwardly) level headedness the boy had turned in the space of twenty minutes into a raging sex maniac! And that made him very worried indeed, especially considering what had happened to Biwo�could it have been something in their drinks?

But no. If they'd all drunk of the same tainted glass then he would have been affected too, and he was perfectly fine.

Qui-Gon pulled open his tunic top a little more as he pondered the mystery.

Suddenly Obi-Wan stood up and tried to make a bid for freedom. Qui-Gon launched himself at the young man and somehow managed to tackle him round the legs, flooring him as gently as he could, whereupon the grinning spectators (with the exception of Kylenn who had almost curled herself into a ball of embarrassment) all looked on as Obi-Wan inched his way across the floor like a giant caterpillar with Qui-Gon hanging onto his legs.

"Master, get off me!" He squirmed as he inched himself along.

"Not until you've come to your senses." Qui-Gon grabbed him by the waistband and hauled him back.

"But you don't understand." Kenobi struggled. "I want to�"

"I'm well aware of what you're wanting and that is precisely what I am making sure you don't get!" He hissed.

Putting his padawan in a vice like grip, he marched him slowly towards the cantina fresher.

Leona watched the pair of them go. That poor, hapless boy.

Nothing seemed destined to work out for either Jinn's padawan or Jemmiah, she thought sadly, which seemed so unfair when everything was going so well for her and Obi-Wan's master.

Even though he had vacated his seat she could still almost feel the tickling sensation on her back�