A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


"I can't guess what Simeon's got himself so worked up about." Qui-Gon shrugged as he retraced his steps back towards the plaza. "It must be a mistake. The boy is clearly drunk�"

"It's pretty fanciful even by his standards." Leona replied. "Which usually indicates it has a grain of truth to it."

"But Biwo? Naked up a fountain?" Qui-Gon found the image too distasteful to contemplate. "What sort of example is THAT to set the padawans?"

"I think we've all had some things revealed about us tonight that might not have shown us in our best light." Leona sighed.

"I fear you're right," groaned Qui-Gon." Was I really so very drunk after that drinking game?"

"Flat out and in hyperspace." Leona found herself grinning.

"Bother." Jinn half-blushed.

"In fact, you started reciting that rhyme."

"Which one?" he asked in horror.

"The one about Senator Marrot."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes in distress.

"We had a great time trying to work out what the rest of it was."

"Noooo, please!" He buried his face in his hands.

"Fraid so." She smiled impishly at him. "So come on."

"Come on what?" Qui-Gon asked suspiciously.

"Do I get to know what the rest of the rhyme is?"

Jinn stopped for a moment. "I'll tell you over our meal tomorrow. Deal?"

Leona smiled back. "Deal!"

*******

Jemmy sidled up to Rela.

"Psssssst," she said.

"Who is?"

"No! I was trying to get your attention!"

"Oh. What is it?"

The Corellian's eyes flickered over to her boyfriend wistfully. "Blue Mountain�s only a few blocks away."

"And?" Grinned Rela.

"Pliant are on tonight."

"You're joking! Oh, I wanna see that!" She laughed. "They're s'posed to be the best strip brigade in the galaxy! But it'll be packed!"

"Don't worry. I'm on best terms with�

"The manager?" guessed Rela.

"Yes, as it happens." Jemmy snickered. "What say you me and Spider pay it a visit whilst Master Jinn is trying to talk the Calamari King down from his hiding place?"

"Yeah, I'm up for it." Rela nodded, looking down the alleyway. "It shouldn't take too long. Here he is now. With Leona in tow!"

"Maybe Leona would like to come with us!" Jemmy replied, when something from the other direction caught her eye.

"I've got another one for you, Master Biwo." she called. "I spy with my little eye something beginning with S."

"Spray," he sniffed.

"Nope." She continued to stare into the distance. "I'm afraid not."

"Then what is it?"

Jemmiah paused. "Security. And they're coming our way."

"What's going on?" Spider hissed.

"Hmmm. Well, my guess is that Biwo's about to spend the rest of the night drying out in a cell. In more ways than one." Rela grinned.

"What can we do?" Meri wandered over, switching the holocam from the panic-stricken face of Hmiol's master to the approaching security.

"Nothing." Jemmiah stated. "Absolutely nothing. It may seem heartless but he's got himself into this mess and now he's going to suffer the consequences."

"We can't just leave him here�can we?"

"You watch me!" Rela remarked tartly. "I've got a classier strip show in mind than watching Biwo's wrinkled old butt being pounded by water all evening."

"What's this?" Spider frowned.

"One word." Jemmiah's eyes lit up. "Pliant."

"PHWOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Spider shouted suggestively. "You don't say! Where?"

"Blue Mountain. We've got fifteen minutes to get there. You coming with us?"

"Oh, what a difficult choice." Spider frowned.

"Who are Pliant?" Meri asked.

"You've never heard of Pliant?" Jemmy smirked.

"Should I have done?"

"You know," Jemmy sighed, "you Jedi types are in need of some serious re-education! Pliant are the hottest strip artistes going, baring NONE! They know moves that would knock your thong off!"

"She should know." Spider nodded. "You dated one of them briefly, didn't you?"

Jemmy looked uncomfortable. "Brief is the word," she mumbled. "Try forty five minutes. And tell Obi-Wan that and I swear you will be fried alive."

The other three exchanged amused looks but kept their comments to themselves. Rela waved at Leona. "Maybe she'll want to tag along. It must get awful boring in that infirmary. Changing peoples dressings. Wiping peoples�"

"End of conversation." Spider shuddered.

"Well, what do you think? Shall we make our excuses and run?"

"Sounds good to me!" Jemmy nodded. "We'll wait 'til the Sec guys are over and leg it when nobody's looking." She grinned at Leona's approaching figure, dwarfed by the towering Qui-Gon. "And maybe we'll enjoy a spot of abduction too, what do you say?"

The four girls laid their plans and waited. Timing was going to be the real trick�

*******

Lilith was beginning to get itchy feet, just standing around on the permacrete waiting for the others to rejoin the group. Briefly, she wondered what had happened to Jemmiah and how the Corellian's head was holding up to the rigors of the night.

Where IS everyone, she wondered, and how long before I can get my next drink?

"I'm not hanging around here, Kre. Let's go on and wait in the next cantina�" She suddenly stopped mid sentence.

"What is it?" Krelo frowned. "What's wrong?"

Lilith pointed at a sign in the building opposite. "Pliant: Now performing at the Blue Mountain."

"That's only a few blocks away." Krelo was almost drooling at the thought. "We could always see if we could get in. They know you at the Blue Mountain and I can always use a Jedi mind trick if I have to."

"I thought that was a misuse of the Force?"

"When a girl is desperate," Krelo started to fan herself; "she will do ANYTHING!"

Demodae grinned back. "Well. Let's see if their performance is up to scratch!" she tittered.

*******

The hover car pulled in to a gradual stop not very far from the fountain that the shaking Biwo was stuck in. It was a toss up for who was going to reach the incident scene first: Qui-Gon or Coruscant Security but somehow Jinn contrived to get there first with a breathless Leona lagging someway behind.

"What is going on?" Qui-Gon demanded. "Simeon said something about Biwo being stuck up the fountain with�"

Rela's only answer was to point up to the figure on the trident.

"Oh, Sith!" Jinn muttered. "You've done it now, Far!"

"S-sorry, Qui-Gon." Far Biwo hung his head.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath. "I'm assuming that if we all keep calm, a rational explanation for your behavior is going to present itself."

"Actually, I don't think it is," Simeon replied. "I think he just wanted to be up close and personal with the statue."

"Sorry?" Qui-Gon shook his head.

"He wanted to get�acquainted. If you see what I mean. It's like that case of the man and the light fighting that made the headlines in the news a while back. Somebody had supplemented his drink with some of that Yenera stuff and it sent him a bit loopy. Looking for hot dates with hats stands and pot plants�"

Simeon halted as he saw the security men heading their way and Qui-Gon felt himself tense up a little when he realized just how ludicrous the whole situation had become. A naked Jedi master roving the streets of Coruscant at night? Getting frisky with statues? Displaying himself to young persons and cavorting in fountains?

How good did that look?

"I think Biwo's in a spot of trouble," Qui-Gon said to Obi-Wan.

"You always were good at understatement, Master," Kenobi said out the corner of his mouth.

The officer eyed the taller of the Jedi balefully. "Who's in charge here?" He growled. "I have had reports - numerous reports - of indecent exposure and improper use of public facilities."

Rela gawked. "It's THEM! The same ones who were after us for that Skip riding jaunt! If they see it's us then we are dead!"

"Sith!" Jemmiah swore quietly. "Just act normal. Start walking backwards."

"This is normal?" Meri asked.

"Er�perhaps I might be of some assistance here." Qui-Gon said smoothly.

"And who might you be?" The Security man whipped out a keypad and started to enter the details.

"My name is Qui-Gon Jinn."

"What?"

"Qui-Gon Jinn."

"Gin? As in drink?"

"Not quite. Jay-Eye-Enn-Enn." He spelled out slowly. "I'm a master at the Jedi temple."

"Ah-ha!" The man beamed. "We had reports to the effect that the culprit was a member of your party."

"Indeed." Qui-Gon sighed.

The officer cast a look at the group of females that were slowly beginning to edge away.

"Wait a moment. Where do you think you're going?" He turned to Qui-Gon. "Are they with you Master Tonic�er, Jinn. Sorry." he apologized.

"Yes," said Qui-Gon, hiding his annoyance.

"Well, where are you going?"

"To answer a call of nature," a rather impudent sounding Corellian voice replied in the dark.

"All of you? At the same time?"

Rela replied. "Didn't you know that women all retreat to the freshers in groups?"

"Oh. No I didn't," he mumbled, looking at the ground. "Just hang on for a few moments whilst my deputy takes your names and contact numbers should we need them. Then you can�"

"Go about your business?" the Corellian voice came again.

"We seem to have a comedian in our midst. Right sergeant. I want names. Get to it."

The officer turned back to the Master. "Now, if you could shed some light on this I would be very grateful." He pulled at the tight uniform that pinched at his bull neck.

"Well, sir," Obi-Wan began, "perhaps I can�"

"Who are you?" Frowned Bull Neck.

"Kenobi, sir. Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"Obey what?" the man puzzled.

"Oh-Bee-Wan-Ken-Oh-Bee." He spelled out. "I'm Master Jinn's Padawan Learner."

"His what?"

"Padawan. Paa-daa-wan. It means I'm his apprentice." Obi-Wan sighed.

"Right." Bull neck typed that in.

"And that's Garos Hmiol over there." Kenobi nodded to the miserable and guilty looking young man who was standing by the edge of the fountain.

"Don't any of you have normal names?" Bull neck asked. "How do you spell that?"

"Gaa-Ross-Hii-Mee-Oll."

"And the one that's got trouble maker written all over his face?"

Qui-Gon didn't even have to guess who it was. "Simeon Cates. That's Simon but with an e' in the middle. Si-Mee-On." Qui-Gon couldn't resist a smile. "I think you'll be able to cope with the other part of his name."

Bull neck wondered if the man was trying to be smart but remembered that he was dealing with Jedi and that the likelihood of wisecracking Jedi was not a high one.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "Now young, Wan-Obi�you were saying."

"Maybe it would be a lot simpler if I just showed you." Kenobi, like Rela before him, simply pointed up to the statue.

"Now there's a sight you don't see everyday." Bull neck said. "And what's his name?"

Qui-Gon sighed. "Farrr-Bee-Who."

*******

Leona wandered over to the group of females who were in the middle of getting their names taken by the Sergeant. "Let's get this straight. Your names are:

Scarlet Sommers
Lucrecia Goldfinger
Selina Sugarson

And" he glanced down at the sheet nervously and then back at Jemmiah, "Jaina Moran."

"That's me." Jemmiah/Jaina smirked. Well, it was half-true. It was the name she flew her swoops under.

"Right, I have your names and contact numbers. I think that will be all." He nodded. "Oh, wait a moment. I didn't get your name ma'am."

Leona looked panicked. What was wrong with giving her real name? And yet� "LOLA DEVINE!" she managed to get out, as the three girls turned to her in astonished delight. "That's Low-Laa-Dee-Vyne!"

"Thank you ma'am. I think I got that one." He nervously cast an unsure glance back at them. "Well, enjoy your evening."

"Thank you, Sergeant," Jaina crowed, "we intend to. C'mon Rel�er, Scarlet. We are going on a little voyage of discovery."

The Sergeant watched them as the lady whose name was Scarlet and the lady whose name was Jaina linked arms with the Jedi whose name was Lola, with the colorful ladies whose names were Lucrecia and Selina marching alongside them. He sighed, knowing that however many times his superiors warned him about women of the streets he would never quite get used to dealing with them first hand�

*******

"Right Master Bi�Bi� erm, you up the fountain. I'm taking you into custody."

"Fine," the reply came back in a weak voice, "come and get me."

"Oh! A trouble maker!" Bull neck remarked.

"He can't come down, sir. He's stuck. He's afraid to go down."

The Officer was about to make a comment regarding scared Jedi when he felt the presence of his Sergeant by his shoulder.

"Got their names, Sir." The young man said. "Oh. And I have a message from Miss Jaina Moran. She asked me to let you know that they're perfectly alright but that they've all gone on to the Blue Mountain."

Who is Jaina Moran, thought Qui-Gon.

"What's the Blue Mountain?" Obi-Wan frowned.

"It's a strip club, sir." The Sergeant said with a shake of the head.

"WHAT!" exclaimed Qui-Gon.

"It's very popular with certain sectors of the community." The Sergeant mumbled. "I did wonder about the young one though. She didn't look nearly old enough to get in to see�"

Qui-Gon looked at the names on the datapad and groaned inwardly.

OH, SITH!

Jaina Moran had a LOT of explaining to do...

*******

The heeled boots clumped heavily against the permacrete, as Healer Leona was frog-marched in the direction of the Blue Mountain as if being lead to her firing squad. Beside her, Rela and Jemmiah said nothing but seemed content to smile at each other conspiratorially.

Leona took this as a bad sign.

"Where are we going? This isn't the direction of the cantina." Leona began to get worried.

"We're not going there." Jemmiah offered cheerfully. "At least, we will be eventually. For one drink so that we can say that we were there and collect our sponsor money. We'll be playing catch up."

"Then where are we going?" Leona asked, aware that she wasn't going to like the answer, not if the smirks that had been shared between her two escorts had anything to do with it.

"Blue Mountain." Rela said ambiguously out the side of her mouth.

"Pardon?"

"Blue Mountain. Jemmy's gonna get us in, aren't you, Jem?"

"Sure am."

Leona tried to decipher this information. "And what is the Blue Mountain."

"It's a str�" Spider began, only to have the air knocked out of her by a low aimed elbow.

"It's a dance hall." Rela put in swiftly. "You know, so that acts can go on and, er�dance?"

"Why are you so keen to see a group of dancers?" Leona asked doggedly.

"Don't you like dancing?" Jemmiah responded with a question of her own. "You did pretty well until Griff managed to deprive you of your frock."

The healer shuddered at the memory. "I do, as it happens," she agreed cautiously. "I'm no great shakes at it myself but I do like to see skilled performers at work."

Spider couldn't resist tittering at that one.

"Oh, these performers are very, very special." Rela smiled. "They're acknowledged the best of their profession. Nobody compares to them in terms of ability. How shall I put this�the competition does not measure up!"

"They're that good?" Leona puzzled. "How come they're playing in what must be the seedier parts of Coruscant's lower levels?"

"They're keen to show off their talent to everybody, not just those from the more affluent areas."

Leona seemed impressed. "What kind of dancing?" she asked. "Corellian? Alderaani Classical? Korrassi Swing?"

"Er� it's kind of a mix of everything, but I believe it has its roots in the more primal, tribal aspects of dance." Jemmiah winked at Rela.

"I think I might enjoy this." Leona smiled. "It's been a while since I took in a show or something. But what about my padawan? She'll be waiting." The healer began to hang back. "And we can't leave Qui�er, Master Jinn! And Obi-Wan is still there!"

"They'll look after each other. Biwo is going to be their main concern" Jemmy replied glibly. "And if you're so worried about Healer apprentice Skull Crusher why don't you give her a call?"

Meri shook her head at Jemmiah's brazen attempts to stir things up. She knew fine well that Dimallie would ask where and what the Blue Mountain was from one of the masters. It was terribly difficult for Meri to stop picturing Dimallie's red face when somebody informed her that her master had gone willingly into a strip joint�

"You coming, LOLA?" Spider asked with a smirk.

"I'm not sure." Leona frowned.

"It'll be an opportunity missed." Rela insisted. "Pliant don't play here too often."

"They're that good?" sighed Leona.

"I guarantee you'll leave that place with a smile on your face!" promised Jemmiah.

Leona located her com-link. "OK. You win. But if you're going to get us in, perhaps you might be able to get us a place near the front? I'm not too tall�"

"Neither am I." Rela agreed. "I want to sit up the front where all the action is gonna be!"

Jemmiah nodded. "I'm sure I can come to some sort of arrangement," she laughed.

The quintet continued their walk at a brisk pace; taking a side route to the back door of the fleapit club and avoiding the queue that was snaking round the block. Odd, thought Leona. It seemed to be comprised mainly of women. Then she looked again.

No. It was comprised ENTIRELY of women.

As Jemmiah raised her hand to knock and Leona prepared to let her padawan know of their location, the healer asked something that had been on her mind for some time. "Tell me JAINA, just why are they called Pliant?"

Jemmy paused. "Because they can bend their bodies into the most interesting shapes. As we shall soon be finding out!" She turned to Rela. "Think they still do that trick with the doughnuts?"

*******

"Look, if he got up there he must be able to come down the same way." Bull neck remarked as the three padawans and Qui-Gon gathered together round the fountain, staring up at the stricken master. "You guys are Jedi, right?"

"It hadn't escaped our notice." Qui-Gon said dryly.

"So, you should be able to�"

"Fly?" Obi-Wan finished.

"Well, yes." The officer replied uncertainly. "There used to be a holo show for kids that had a Jedi as the lead character. He could do all sorts of things, like breathe under water and walk through lakes of boiling lava�"

"Hmm." Qui-Gon frowned. "We seem to be suffering from a reality crisis here. I'm afraid to spoil your cherished image of the Jedi as superheroes but we can't breath under water�"

"Bant can."

"Quiet, Padawan." Jinn warned. "Nor can we flap our arms and play at being falcons. And I have yet to see a Jedi that can survive an encounter with white hot magma."

The officer looked disappointed. "Are you sure?"

"Quite sure." Qui-Gon said. He stared up at the purpling figure of Far Biwo. "However, high as that statue is I think that Far should be able to make it if he's careful. Permission to try and talk him down."

"Granted," Bull neck agreed.

Qui-Gon walked slowly to the side so that Biwo could see him as well as he could. "Far?"

"Y-yes?"

"I want you to do exactly as I ask, OK?"

"F-fine. Qui, I c-can't f-feel m-my h-hands."

"Don't worry. We're going to get you down."

"I c-can't f-feel m-my f-feet."

"It shouldn't take too long."

"And I c-can't f-feel m-my ba-"

"Nevermind your back." Qui-Gon said swiftly. "Listen. Myself, Obi-Wan, Simeon and Garos are going to try and levitate you down."

"W-what d-do y-you t-think I am? S-some k-kind of r-rock?" Biwo managed to chatter out through frozen teeth.

"The principal is the same. Only the rock would be giving me less grief than you are. Either do as I ask or I'm afraid we shall have to get the fountain turned off and an air-rescue car brought in. Which means a rescue party. Armed with holocams."

"T-think l-like a r-rock. S-sure," he shivered, "I c-can d-do t-that."

"Thank you." Jinn replied. "I'm going to speak to the padawans."

Turning his back on Far, Qui-Gon closed his eyes.

The thought had just occurred to him that when this particular naked individual had been dealt with there was, somewhere out there, a party of five rampaging females who were determined to see much more of the same�

*******

"Hey, Lil." Krelo squashed herself down in her front row table. "How come we ended up here in the thick of it?"

"I've got contacts." Lilith sat down with a satisfied sigh.

"Hmmm. Would this be the same contact as young Jemmiah, perchance?"

Lilith turned round in time to see the Corellian girl winding her way through the packed tables from the back entrance followed by that Rela girl, the colorful Spider creature, the Padawan Meri� "It certainly looks that way." Lilith grinned. "That's my Jem. Great minds think alike, huh Kre? Like Master like Apprentice."

"Pardon?" frowned Krelo in confusion.

"Oh, nothing. Just forget I spoke," Lilith swept away her remark. "Stars sake! Healer Leona's there too!"

"You are JOKING!" Krelo laughed. "Is she so fed up with Qui-Gon already?"

"This'll be fun. I've just spotted those Jedi boys�that Jay person and two friends." Her mouth hung open. "And Griff! Griff Rendar! I'll bet his girlfriend doesn't know about this!"

Suddenly from the opposite side of the room Jemmiah spotted Lilith and waved insouciantly at her.

"Looks like our poor healer doesn't know what she's in for," Krelo remarked as she sipped her brandy. "I said that one was up to no good!"

"You leave the kid out of this. I like her. She's got spunk."

"Spunk? Drunk, more like!" Krelo laughed softly. "Corellians, eh?"

"Best of the best." Lilith clinked her glass in toast against Krelo's glass.

The lights over head began to swirl round and round, glittering and sparkling like a multifaceted diamond. "I don't know who I'm going to enjoy watching more. The strippers or Leona's face!" grinned Lilith. "Jemmiah obviously didn't tell her of the sort of things that happen to people in the front row, else she wouldn't have been so keen to sit there."

"I know. Should be an experience." Krelo replied as the announcer made his way onto the floor.

"Hey, Kre?"

"What?"

"Do you think they still do that thing with the doughnuts?"

Krelo considered it briefly. " I hope so," she answered. "What I want to know is who gets to lick the jam off."

*******

Dimallie wandered miserably back to Letina, feeling abandoned. Her master had contacted her by Comlink to inform her that she was to stay with Letina at all times, and that she had gone to see a dance group and would meet up with her eventually during the course of what was left of the evening.

I would have liked to see the dancing, thought Dimallie.

"Where's the Blue Mountain?" Dimallie asked Master Windu.

"Why would a young girl like you want to know something like that?" Mace frowned.

"Well, my master told me that she and Rela, Meri, Jemmiah and Spider had gone to the Blue Mountain to see a dance group of some description." Mace's eyes grew impossibly huge. "Please tell me you are joking," he said. "No."

"Sith!" laughed Windu.

"What is it?" Letina asked. "What's wrong?"

Mace tried to gather his composure. "Er�the Blue Mountain is a place that you go when you want to see�"

"Yes?" Dimallie frowned.

"�Strippers."

The color drained from the girls' face. "She said it was exotic dancing!"

"Erotic dancing, perhaps," Mace answered. He shook his head. "I'd love to be a fly on the wall right now�"

*******

"Ready?"

"No!"

"He says he's not ready, Master."

Sigh.

"We could be here all night."

"We HAVE been here all night."

"No, Padawan. It just feels like it."

Pause.

"Far, you're coming down whether you like it or not!"

"I'm not ready!"

"When WILL you be ready?"

"I'm not focused."

"Then for the love of the force will you please GET focused? We have drunken padawans marauding the streets�"

"Not to mention the masters."

"Precisely, not to mention the� Padawan, if you can't think of anything useful to say, kindly say nothing at all."

"OK, I'm sorry!"

"Thank you."

"Far, we really haven't the time for all this carry on."

"Master Jinn?"

"Yes, Padawan Cates?"

"Can't we just prise him off?"

"What, without him agreeing?"

"Yes sir!"

"That's not very fair, is it?"

"It's for his own good, if you'll forgive me saying it. If he stays up there much longer bits of him are going to start dropping off from the cold."

Groans.

"OK. We'll go with your expert medical opinion. Gather round everyone. Simeon's got an idea."

"I knew he'd get one some day."

"Thanks, Kenobi."

"Go on then, Cates. The arena is yours."

"I think we should try and relax him. He's obviously scared stiff so we tell him we'll count down from ten to zero and then lift him off."

"And?"

"We count down from ten and when we r each six, THEN we take him down."

Silence.

"H-hello d-down t-here. W-what are y-you s-saying?"

"Eavesdroppers never heard any good of themselves, Far."

Sighs again.

"OK, are we all agreed?"

"Yes."

"I'll take that shrug as a yes, shall I Hmiol?"

"Yes sir."

"Good. OK officer, I think we are just about ready. If you could stand by with that robe, I think he'd appreciate it."

"Let's get this over with."

"My sentiments entirely, officer."

Walks to rim of fountain.

"Are you ready NOW?"

"N-no!"

"Far, you can't stay up there all night! We're in enough trouble as it is!"

"W-when I c-catch t-the l-little p-perisher w-who d-did t-this t-to m-me, I�I'll h-have 'em b-blasted i-into o-oblivion!"

"Hey that's good. I like that!"

"I like that one too. I'm going to use that."

"I said I liked it before you did, Simeon."

"Spoil sport."

"Far, listen. We're going to count down from ten�"

"T-ten?"

"That's right. When we hit zero�"

"Z-zero?"

"Yes, we're going to take you off using basic levitation techniques. OK?"

"I'M N-NOT H-HAPPY!"

"Neither are we, but there's no other way. Unless you'd prefer the air rescue mission?"

"S-Sith! OK! B-but y-you w-won't t-take m-me d-down b-before t-ten?"

"On my honor as the former temple Gabali Captain."

Looks doubtful.

"OK. I'm n-nearly r-ready."

"Stand by."

"J-just b-be g-gentle w-with m-me."

"You ready, padawans?"

"Yes, Master Jinn."

"Fine. Here goes, Far."

"TEN�"

"NINE�"

"EIGHT�"

"SEVEN�"

"SIX�"

"NOW!!!"

*******

Zac V'Aladee sucked on the straw in his pink gin mixer and let his eyes roam the room.

Over 100 sweaty and over excited females hollered and clapped and whistled and stamped as the lights overhead began to spin on the ceiling and walls. Usually Zac would be the last to complain about being in such close proximity to this vast amount of females but there was something strange going on here that he couldn't quite work out�

"Must be good, this group of strippers." Jodi mumbled as he looked round a convulsing woman in front of him.

"Hmmm." Zac began to feel a little edgy.

"What's up with you?"

Zac swallowed the disgusting pink concoction and turned to face Jay. "There's something not right here."

"Such as?"

"I don't know. Just something."

Jay chuckled quietly. "Lighten up, face ache. What could possibly be wrong?"

"I don't know," he repeated. "But I have this feeling that�"

"Oh, quit moaning." Jay begged. "We're about to see the most wonderful display of bare female flesh since we went to those art classes."

Zac didn't seem at all convinced. "Griff? What do you think? Am I right or am I right?"

The smuggler frowned as he tried to determine what specifically was the matter. Zac was right, he thought warily, there was something wrong� "Hell's teeth!" He half jumped out of his seat. "There's Lilith Demodae! And her Jedi friend!"

"Why on Coruscant are they here?" Jay's eyes rounded.

Griff and Jay exchanged looks.

"Sith, that looks bad!" grinned Abran.

"I hope they'll be very happy together," Jodi smirked.

"Don't be silly," hissed Zac. "There's definitely something wrong here�"

"I agree." Griff said nervously. "I think we should leave."

"What?" Jodi exclaimed.

"You must be joking! Considering the price we had to pay to get these seats in the first place I should think that�sainted stars! There's Healer Leona in the front row!" Jay's jaw all but hit the table.

Zac stared hard at the front row of tables. "Jemmiah's there, too. And Meri and Jemmy's two other friends. I knew something was up. Why would that lot come here?"

"Whatever turns 'em on." Jodi smothered a laugh.

The announcer made his way onto the stage. "Welcome ladies, welcome! Pliant send greetings to all the beautiful girls in the audience!" There was uproarious screaming from all round the room, leaving Zac wondering whether his hearing would ever come back fully. "To all those who made the pilgrimage to see the premier artistes of their day from all corners of the galaxy to join us here in our humble dwelling on Coruscant�"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Screamed a voice that Zac identified as belonging to the petite red headed girl sitting next to Leona.

The compare laughed nervously. "�yes, quite!" he said. "I can see you're all in a frisky mood so without further delay�"

"OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!" Lilith started to clap, getting the rest of the audience to follow hr chant.

"Ladies, please put your hands together and show a big, warm Coruscant welcome�"

A cold feeling settled in Zac's stomach. "Oh, no! Jay, I think I've worked it out�"

"Shhh!" Abran hissed.

"But�"

"Hush up!"

"�here they are, I give you PLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAANT!"

If Zac had thought he had almost been deafened before hand it was nothing compared to the hysterical female shrieking that resounded round the room. As one, all the people stood in rapt attention, swooning and screaming all over the place in scenes that Zac had only ever scene before at music festivals.

"I can't see," Jodi complained.

"Think yourself lucky." Zac gulped and sat down on his chair so hard he thought he felt the plasti-chrome give way.

"Why?" Jay strained his neck upwards. "What's wrong?"

"I thought it was odd."

"What was?"

"The fact that we are surrounded entirely by women."

"So?"

Zac stared at Jay as if he were completely insane. "We are the ONLY males in here!"

Jay looked round. "OK, so we're the only males. So what?"

Griff made the obvious final connection. "HELL AND DAMNATION! THEY'RE MEN! THEY'RE ALL MEN! EVEN THE TW'IILEK!"

"I'm not sure I like what he's doing with that brain tail." Jodi mumbled.

"It's not what he's doing with it, it's what Lilith and Krelo are doing with it that bothers me!" Jay looked horrified. "Quick, let's get out of here before somebody spots us�" No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the whole female audience suddenly sat down, leaving a rather startled party of three males and an embarrassed Zac sitting down, covering his face with his hands, all in plain sight.

"Let's get out of here." Jay hissed under his breath when the women started to ogle and paw them as they made their way rapidly towards the exit.

"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!" Griff yelped as someone pinched his butt. "This isn't entertainment, it's a feeding frenzy!"

*******

"You Gamorrean swine, Jinn! You promised me you'd wait! You said on your honor as Gabali captain�"

"Ah, yes. Well I'm afraid that was a little bit of a white lie. You see, I never actually made captain." Qui-Gon smiled as Far Biwo shivered and shook within the modest warmth his robe offered.

"Well, at least you're down." The officer said thankfully. "It makes my job a heck of a lot easier. You see, Master Bi..Wib..er, you." He tried unsuccessfully to find Biwo's name. "I'm afraid it's my painful duty to inform you that you have to take a little walk in the direction of my hover car."

He grinned. "You're nicked, pal!"

*******

Leona's unease increased from the moment she saw Zac and friends hasten to the exit, being prodded and pinched as they went. She didn't know quite what to make of the troop of dancers that displayed themselves so openly to the audience. And when the Twi'lek came on and started doing some rather dubious things with it's brain tail�

"Which one was yours?" Meri leaned towards Jemmy who was sitting on her right.

"The Twi'lek!" Spider chuckled. "The extra appendage is very appealing, don't you think?"

"This is coming from someone who normally spends their spare time hanging round things with eight legs." Jemmy drawled.

"So, which one was it?" Meri insisted, casting an eye over the talent.

Jemmy watched as the finely honed and muscular men frolicked on the stage. "See the three playing those hand drums?"

"Yeah?" Meri breathed. "The ones all covered in oil."

"He's the one in the middle."

"I knew you were going to say that!" Meri squealed. "That is soooooo unfair! You lucky, lucky�"

"What was his name?" Spider asked.

Jemmiah looked blank. "I don't think I asked," she replied after a moment. "I saw them when they were on Corellia. I sneaked out from my uncle's place in the middle of the night. Went back stage afterwards. See, he'd dropped his maracas and I wanted to see if he'd done any damage."

"Sounds painful." Meri grinned.

"I meant his instruments."

"So did I!"

"What is wrong with you?" Jemmiah laughed. "One night out and suddenly you�re a crazed mass of hysterical female hormones!"

"I can't help it," Meri breathed as she watched the drummers continue to pound away. "They've got great rhythm."

Jemmiah noticed that just beyond Leona, Rela's left leg was jiggling almost non-stop with the excitement. "That blonde one on the left is going take his shirt off�look, there it goes!" Rela declared happily. "I knew it!" She half levered herself out of her chair. "WHY DID YOU KEEP IT ON FOR SO LONG? GET THE PANTS OFF!" she yelled.

Leona's mouth nearly dislocated itself at the jaw.

"She looks like one of my snakes when they're trying to eat a rat." Spider remarked as she saw the blood boil in Leona's face.

"You always have such a nice line in compliments." Jemmy said under her breath. "Is she OK, do you think? She looks like someone's strapped her to her seat with invisible chains."

The healer sat there, temporarily speechless. And then suddenly� "These guys aren't dancers! They're strippers!"

"Calm down." Jemmiah said. "Just pretend it's Qui-Gon."

"Yeah," Spider winked. "I am!"

"Me too!" Rela said.

"And me." Meri laughed.

"Make it a foursome!" Jemmiah never took her eyes from her drummer boy. "I wouldn't mind shaving that one, I can tell you!"

"You're a disgrace." Rela sighed as she watched the blonde one take off his necktie and throw it into the audience.

"What, for saying what you're thinking?" Jemmiah retorted.

After the scramble for the item and the ensuing fistfight that followed had ended, Leona gasped as the drummers' antics became much more athletic and rigorous. "That�that has got to be an illusion," she muttered. "That is impossible! He must be deformed."

"Speaking for myself, that's a disfigurement I would be happy to live with." Rela almost drooled.

"Gods! They're all freaks!" Leona began to find herself laughing. "Look at the one next to him!"

"What do you think I've been doing for the last fifteen minutes?" Jemmy breathed.

"I've died and gone to heaven,� Spider said wistfully.

"Look�that one's taking his socks off!" Meri felt as if she were on the point of overheating.

"No point me imagining it's Ben then," Jemmy mumbled, "coz there's not a hope in hell of ever prizing his feet out of those rotting bits of cloth."

Rela turned her head to one side for a better look.

"He needs to see a surgeon," Leona pointed.

"Nice of you to volunteer." Jemmy grinned.

It was proving too much for Meri. "It's days like this that make you glad to be alive." She whimpered. "I want his shirt! No, forget that. I want the man and the shirt!"

"I'd just settle for the man," sighed Leona.

*******

"I'm afraid that I'm bound by law to escort you to the nearest detention area. It's not far away."

"But he needs to see a medic!" Qui-Gon insisted. "Look at him!"

"I'm sure we can get someone to take a look at him." The officer said as he tried to steer Biwo towards the air car.

"I'm sorry Qui-Gon." Biwo managed to say without his teeth chattering. "You go on ahead. Make sure the others are fine."

Hmiol actually looked like he was about to protest but Qui-Gon decided that now was not the time to cause any more trouble. "We have three healers amongst our party. Can we at least call them to�"

"By all means call them, but you're going to have to direct them to this gentleman's nice heated cell in which he will be spending the night."

"Don't you have any actual work to do." Obi-Wan growled.

"Watch it sonny. I can make it a nice heated cell for two!"

The officer and his pimply Sergeant walked the reviving Biwo towards the air car, stopping to fish out a small black device connect to a thin tube.

"This measures the units of alcohol and any other substances that may be in your bloodstream." The officer said, again pulling at his tight collar. "I'm now required by law to ask you to blow into the tube."

Biwo looked at Qui-Gon in desperation. "But�" he began.

"Just breathe."

*******

"Just breathe, Leona!" Jemmiah clapped her hands with delight as the next routine started in earnest. She'd noticed Leona had begun to get right into the swing of things. She hadn't actually drawn breath for over a minute. >i?It had been rather amusing, she thought, when the lead dancer had stepped forward and asked for two volunteers.

The speed at which Lilith and Krelo had nipped up onto the floor had been truly amazing.

At present the two of them were in the middle of unwrapping a couple of males completely covered from head to toe in bandages like ancient mummies for the archaeologist skit. "Korrassi ancient civilization went in for mummification in a big way," Jemmiah stated.

"So?" Meri asked.

"They used oil." She grinned. "Lots and lots of oil�"

"You're making me perspire again," Meri groaned.

Jemmiah watched as her ex-drummer boy was now engaged in dance routine wearing an explorers style hat. "Pity Ben's not here to see this." She smirked. "Might pick up some ideas."

Leona delivered the coup de grace. "I would have thought the last thing you would have wanted was to see him in bandages again."