A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


"Me next." Jemmiah picked up the face down flimsy sheet and turned it over in her hands. Her eyes lit up at the sight of the name before her. "And it's�Qui-Gon Jinn, no less!"

Sal-Fina paused in the middle of her latest rant to her padawan about the upstart who had so vilified her infront of all the others.

"This ought to be good," she snapped.

Jemmiah smirked. "But not as good as yours! Anyhow, I digress.

Question one - Any annoying habits: His answer to every problem in the galaxy is to meditate. I know for a fact that the individual in question once attended a trip as a padawan to an agricultural world. Whilst working in a field some of the Jurabi cattle got loose and the padawans were told to find some way of rounding them up. Qui-Gon apparently decided that the best course of action was to kneel down in the field and meditate in the hope that an answer would come to him. All the cattle were stampeding all around him and Jinn just sat there whilst the rest of us bust a gut to recapture them."

"So from my point of view I made the right decision," grinned Qui-Gon.

"Lazy mongrel," Mace muttered.

"I doubt you saw it that way after Yoda finished with you. How many barns did he make you muck out as punishment for shirking your work?" Dex asked.

"Next up," Jemmiah chipped in before a heated debate ensued, "Anything you like about this person: His determination to defeat the odds at all costs, I mean how anyone can survive Yoda as a master is beyond me. He must have done something terrible in a previous existence to have been saddled with not only Yoda but Obi-Wan and Jemmiah�like blown up a couple of planets or something."

Jemmy grinned and added, "Better make that a star system!"

"There aren't enough planets and galaxies out there to begin to cover my suffering," Qui-Gon said pointedly.

"Anything you dislike about this person: He has no sense of fun. He is sooooo serious! I think it's proof that too much meditation is bad for you. He should spend less time getting in contact with his inner self. If he did he might realize that the living force is trying to tell him to go out and get himself well and truly drunk like any normal being!"

"I am normal!" Qui-Gon looked hurt. "You don't have to be drunk to have a good time." He looked at Sal-Fina. "Although sometimes it helps."

"Any advice: Get a hair cut. Now the beard's gone you look like a girl. Albeit a very ugly one."

Sal-Fina laughed openly.

"I what?!?!" exclaimed Qui-Gon.

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: What, and that kiss he shared with Jemmiah wasn't kind? It's nice to see a surrogate father and daughter hitting it off so well, don't you think?"

Qui-Gon remembered and looked utterly horrified.

"I'm just reading out what's here." She pointed at the card.

"Oh, Sith!" he groaned, covering his eyes with a large hand, "I did, didn't I?"

"Yes." Obi-Wan glared.

"There's no need to feel guilty. I see it as rehabilitation after all those years of having Sal-Fina slobbering over you."

Jinn looked from the upbeat Jemmiah to the murderous Sal-Fina.

"It'll take more than one little kiss to remove all the damage," he said.

"Oh, yeah? I didn't hear you complaining at the time!" Sal-Fina shouted.

"It's very difficult to complain when your head is stuck in the jaws of slavering Rancor." Qui-Gon retorted.

"And what about me? I had to put up with that hellish beard for all those years but I didn't like it!"

"I didn't know you had a beard." Jinn frowned. "It's a great pity. It might have covered up all those lines and wrinkles that you're starting to develop�"

"I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!" She thumped the table with a clenched fist.

"You keep that miserable expression on your face and you will have."

"What miserable expression?"

"The one you've been wearing for the past thirty years."

"Seconds out!" Jemmiah laughed. "This is great! The Shaven Shadow versus the Wrinkled Warrior!" She looked down at the list again.

"Anything unhelpful or unkind: I imagine this is the point after which he's just insulted Sal-Fina for being miserable, wrinkled and generally unlovable."

"Unlovable! You missed that one!" Scolded Rela.

"Just because I never said it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking it," Jinn replied.

"You can't tell me that's kind. Even if it is all true�"

Sal-Fina looked about ready to burst into flames.

"Would you trust this man to watch your back: He is without doubt the best swordsman in the galaxy. Provided he didn't decide to meditate in the middle of it all, I would be very happy to have Qui-Gon watch my back. Anyhow, I owe him money from a Sabacc game so it would be in his interests to keep me alive!"

"I thought it had to be you, Dex," snorted Qui-Gon.

"Sum up in under 100 words: If only I could persuade this man that there's more to life than sitting cross legged on a carpet or trying to teach his padawan to become as boring as he is. There's wine, women and song. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon grew up. I think Jemmiah will have to kiss him more often. That way we might find out if the old boy is still alive�"

"I'm as alive as you are, any day," Jinn snorted.

"Prove it." Dex said. "Do something spontaneous."

"OK." Jinn replied, turning to face a confused looking Leona. "How about going out for a meal tomorrow?"

"OH YES!" Leona smiled. "Thank you for asking."

Qui-Gon turned to a stunned Dex. "You see," he said, "there's life in the old dog yet!"

Jemmy shook her head. "That's no way to speak about Sal-Fina."

Krelo stood and brandished her piece of flimsy like a weapon. "Mace Windu!" She set her teeth together in a sickly sweet grin.

"Yes!" whooped Obi-Wan in delight. "This is the one I want to hear about."

"I didn't realize you were such a big fan, Padawan." Qui-Gon yawned.

"I'm not. I just think it's nice to be able to get something on a council member. You never know when blackmail might come in handy, or you need a favor�"

Mace began to get worried.

"Any habits: Mace has extremely bad indigestion from time to time. His stomach makes a noise that's a cross between a gurgling pipe and a wind-chime. I imagine this must be extremely annoying during council meetings."

"You've no idea," replied Depa Billaba.

"He also suffers from occasional bouts of flatulence which I'm informed he tries to blame on Master Poof. It's no wonder his eyes are beginning to bulge of late with the effort of trying to keep it all in. That's why the initiates call him Master Windy."

"Ugh, that's just too disgusting!" laughed Jay.

"Shut up!" Mace growled.

"Charcoal's s'posed to be good for it." Jemmy said with a smile.

"Shut up!" Mace growled again.

"Your vocabulary's not very varied, is it?" Dex chuckled.

"SHUT UP!"

"Next. Anything you like about this person: Mace is a caring, giving and kind individual," Krelo read out.

Mace smirked. "Thank you."

"He cares about himself, he gives the padawans a lot of grief and he kind of likes to dictate to everyone. He's also not afraid to take a fashion risk. That belt round his head for example. Big mistake. Still, he's not afraid to look a complete twizzle so he's OK with me."

"Shut up!" Mace grimaced.

"That's very rude," Rela berated Mace. "There are innocent young children here." She nodded at Jemmiah and Spider.

"Ha!" was all that Mace would answer, plainly sulking.

"Anything you don't like about this person: He's extremely bossy. Some people are born to greatness, some are born to be heroes, some are born to become legends. Not Mace. He was born to be a council member."

"Thank you," Mace said in surprise.

"I don't think it was meant to be a compliment," Depa said dryly.

"Any helpful advice: Don't wear a center parting."

Qui-Gon snickered.

"Very amusing Jinn. At least I don't look like I belong on the end of somebody's leash."

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: He sat next to Yaddle during Yoda's lecture on initiate care. That was kind. I thought he was going to sit next to me and people might think it was MY stomach making those peculiar noises."

"Cheers." Mace chewed his lip. "I've narrowed it down to two people I have to kill."

"Has this person ever done anything unhelpful or unkind: We once asked him to stand outside in the temple gardens so we could use the sun's reflection from off his head to power the temple kitchens for nearly twelve hours. The money we would have saved was going to be donated to the healers but the tight swine refused."

"Somebody's going to be needing the healers when I've finished with them!" Mace snorted.

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in an emergency: Those noises would just put me off anyhow. I can't imagine fighting an enemy with the sound of someone draining a bath just over my shoulder. I'd want to call for an emergency plumber."

Mace's eyes narrowed.

"Sum this person up in under 100 words: Mace is a sweet guy with a lot of hang-ups. He calls the girls and they hang up!

"Vernice Ashdal, you are so DEAD!" yelled Windu.

"That's for leaving me on the dance floor all by myself." Vernice hiccuped. "I told you I'd get you back. Took me over twenty years to do it, but I got there in the end!"

"Somebody get me a drink." Jemmy swirled the fruit based cocktail in her glass with distaste.

"You're s'posed to swallow it, not hope it evaporates by staring at it." Rela answered.

"No more for you." Qui-Gon replied.

"What?!?" Jemmiah's mouth dropped. "Why not?"

"Because you've got Sith knows what floating round in your system already. I'm afraid you're going to have to flush out the toxins with something a little more healthy."

"I haven't got any toxins left in my body." Jemmy growled. "Thanks to Rela and her darned snails."

"S-O-R-R-Y! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. How many more times do you want me to say it? Or maybe you'd like me to write it on the table in my own blood? Would that please you?" Rela said with the merest hint of a grin on her lips.

"You could at least sound as if you meant it." Jemmy muttered as she took a mouthful of the over sweet fruit drink. "This tastes like utter p�"

"Who's next?" Qui-Gon cut in with a frown. He made his mind up to keep an eye on Jemmiah from now on, whenever he could. Her casual abuse of substances rather worried him. Rela had sneakingly informed him of her rather frivolous use of the headache tablets.

Somewhere, something at the back of his mind nagged at him.

"I'll go next." Meri smiled. "My victim is Ambianca."

"Oh, good." Jemmiah looked smug and made a show of settling in and getting comfortable. "I'm hooked already. Do carry on."

"Thanks." Meri grinned. "OK. Here we go. Any annoying habits: She has the most annoying laugh in the galaxy. If you took her to the zoo they'd never let her out again. They could use her in a breeding program to persuade the Flipperphants to mate but other than that I can think of no celestial reason for the existence of this being."

"YES!" clapped Jemmy. "Right on the mark! Come the revolution it's the airheads that'll go first."

"Anything you like about this person: She can act as an anaesthetic if you are in pain or discomfort. An hour with Ambianca tends to take the sting out of misery. Sixty minutes of listening to her spout meaningless drivel numbs the brain beautifully. As such I am recommending her as a cost saving measure to the healers instead of the usual cocktail of painkillers."

"I thought the healers wanted people to get better, not kill 'em," growled Sybelle. "I'd have given up the will to live long before I came under the knife."

"Anything you don't like about this person: Give me an "F", Give me an "L", Give me a "U", Give me an "F", Give me another "F"�give me brainless!"

Ambianca tried to spell it out in her head.

"That's fluff, marshmallow brain!" Jemmiah grimaced.

"Helpful advice: Don't take a bath instead of a shower."

"Why?" Spider wondered.

"Because," Meri continued, "you are liable to get sucked down the drain when you remove the plug with all the other bits of dead skin."

"That's a good one," an overjoyed Letina declared.

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: Nope."

Sal-Fina was beginning to grow really upset. "Leave her alone," she hissed.

"Gladly," Jemmiah replied. "When she leaves us alone."

"Has this person ever done anything unhelpful or unfriendly: Unhelpful is her middle name. (But she can't spell it) She looks down upon everybody. If she came face to face with the creator of the galaxy she would be telling him/her/it where it went wrong and how to improve on previous design flaws. Not to mention the importance of quick drying nail polish. She'd have the oceans made of moisturizer and the mountains from face powder.

And the whole planet would be a big ball of pointless fluff."

"Visit planet Ambianca, the flufftastic spectacle that has people from all over the galaxy flocking with their vacuuming machines," Jemmy drawled.

Sum up in under 100 words: Ambianca gives every appearance of being a well-groomed, well-bred, well-educated sophisticate. She seems to have it all.

However, it has to be said that even a amoeba looks pretty if examined from a distance and in Ambianca's case there is a lot of salt water getting in somewhere because it appears her brain has suffered from continued corrosion."

Meri looked really pleased as she finished reading.

"And so say all of us, huh?"

*******

Yoda sat and tapped with his stick upon the makeshift stage.

"Good this is not," he said eventually.

"No, Master," Alex admitted.

"Hoped for more, I did."

"Yes, Master," Alex agreed. "I think maybe you scared them off. The opposition, I mean!" he added hurriedly.

Yoda looked at him balefully. "Hmmmm."

"But look on the bright side. If nobody else turns up then you win the singing contest by default!" Alex said cheerfully.

The two of them cast a sweeping gaze over the room designated to stage the contest. Over the shining floor. The beautiful wine colored curtains.

The empty chairs�

*******

Qui-Gon was still smirking as the last few sheets were read out. In particular he recalled somebody summing up Dex as "an aging Corellian romantic who these days has trouble bending over to pull on his boots, let alone anything more strenuous."

Then there had been the individual who had given the helpful advice of "Don't every talk to Sybelle first thing in the morning because she is a right moody old Nerf! (Oh, sorry. I forgot. You never actually get to see Sybelle until late in the afternoon when she scrambles out of her pit�)"

And when asked if somebody would trust Rela to watch their back, one wit had replied "Not really. She can't see that high up." Poor Rela had come in for a bit of a hard time. Somebody had said: "Any annoying habits: Rela seems rather impatient and crotchety on the odd occasion. I've noticed that her foot jiggles constantly when she gets upset or annoyed. She does a lot of jiggling."

Rela had exclaimed, "I do NOT get crotchety! Who the heck wrote this garbage?"

Her foot had been jiggling irritably whilst she had said it.

Qui-Gon stood up to read the last one. Well, by a process of elimination that left: "Lilith Demodae."

The smuggler captain didn't look too concerned. She contented herself with folding her arms behind her as a pillow. "Go for it, jungle Jedi!" she grinned.

Qui-Gon cleared his throat and started to read.

"Any annoying habits: She tends to look down on people. Then again, she tends to look down on everyone because she's too darned tall! Lilith Demodae can also spit Corellian chewing tabac further than any human being. Spitting is a disgusting habit. And I can't spit more than three feet when the winds in the right direction. It's so unfair!"

"Practice makes perfect. I can't stand tabac, personally. So many more enjoyable vices to indulge in. I just do it because I can."

"What vices are these?" Dex asked interestedly.

"That would be telling." She winked. "Same as you probably."

"That's good." Berlingside flashed his best Corellian grin. "I just do it because I can, too!"

"Anything you like about this person: That striptease was a pit of alright! Infact I'd go as far as to say that she was a bit of all right. I like this person's "person" very much indeed. But it's obvious she's not a natural blonde. So what I want to know is what is her normal coloring and can we verify this with holos?"

"If the person who wrote this would like to see me after the crawl then I think we can sort something out." She grinned like a cannoid.

"Anything you don't like: Get me a date and I'll let you know!"

Lilith looked surprised. "Now I'm curious."

"Helpful advice: Beware of low bridges."

"I'm NOT that tall."

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: I don't know. She's usually being too mean and spiteful for me to find out!"

Lilith eyed Griff with the warmth of a snake looking for rats in the desert.

"Has this person ever done anything unkind or unhelpful: I can't say. There is a court hearing about it and I'm not allowed to speak to the defendant!"

Sybelle begin to feel very uneasy.

"Would you trust this person to watch your back: Are you kidding? I wouldn't trust her within an inch of my life."

"You're overestimating yourself, dear." Lilith looked him up and down.

"Sum up in under 100 words: Lilith Demodae is my favorite rival. Intelligent, attractive in a scary kind of way. I think that she has the most wonderful�"

"Eeeeeeyowwww!" screamed Griff, breaking into his own musings as Sybelle set fire to his pants.

"You were right, Griff." She leaned in towards him, hissing. "This IS a lucky lighter you gave me!"

"Maybe I should have a look at the damage." Leona stood up, ever the carer.

"Yeah, you do that." Lilith sniffed. "And whilst you're at it, tell us what color he is naturally!"

*******

"Well, that was�illuminating." Rela drawled as she watched the collection of Jedi make their way onto the rapidly darkening streets. Hmiol tried to help haul his master, who seemed somewhat agitated and excited about something, to walk in the same direction as all the others.

"Very." Jemmiah watched as the fluorescent party from the temple seemed to huddle together as if in protection from some hidden evil. Safety in numbers, she supposed. "Looks like Jay managed to get a few more victims with his food coloring."

"One of his better jokes." Obi-Wan nodded. "At least we can use ourselves to see the way ahead."

Jemmiah nodded. "When I was with my uncle on Corellia we went to see the water galas. They used to light little candles and set them adrift on rafts, then push them onto the lakes. It was really pretty. That's what everyone reminds me of."

"Only you don't need to set anyone on fire." Simeon's illuminated teeth flashed over Rela's shoulder. "Unless you're Sybelle of course."

"I'm not sure about her idea of a wick, either." Jemmiah raised an eyebrow.

Rela groaned. "My legs are tired. They're only little."

"But perfectly formed." Simeon smiled. "Even if they do jiggle."

"So it was you, was it?" Rela looked him up and down. "What's so wrong with my legs?"

"Absolutely nothing." Simeon sighed wistfully.

Rela grinned.

Simeon tried to recall which cantina was next. But it was too much of a strain so he gave up.

"It's the Jumping Jax next," Jemmy offered.

"How did you know that's what I was wondering?" he asked.

"Corellian instinct? Or maybe I assumed that there was a reason for that constipated expression."

"Don't mention constipation to a healer. It's an anathema to them."

"An-Athema? Isn't that the name of one of An-Paj's wives?" Jemmy asked with a frown.

"Ha ha." Cates teeth lit up the surrounding area. "Do you know how bad it is being a healer? The kind of jokes we have to put up with? If one more person asks if the bowels moved for me, I swear I will break down."

Obi-Wan stared past the huddle of inebriates and the walking comatose to the side scene of a glittering Garos Hmiol trying to drag his master after the others. "What's happening up there?" He frowned.

Jemmiah and company followed his gaze, taking in the happy and talkative figure of Far Biwo being wrestled by the usually taciturn and uncommunicative Hmiol.

"Master!" he grunted. "This way."

"Ah, who wants to go that way? Everyone else is going that way? You want to be a Nerf with no brain of your own? You want other people telling you what to do all the time? Do you want to conform?"

Hmiol paused. "Yes," he said eventually.

"Tough. I don't. I want to go over here!" Biwo pulled Hmiol after him with a massive tug upon his arm.

"Master, please�"

"Awwww, shut up for the moment Garos my boy! I want to get some water to wash down all those fabulous drinks I've been having."

Hmiol watched aghast as Far staggered over to one of the fountains in the middle of Coruscant's best known plaza. The statue in the middle was of a Keltorus, a Corellian creature of ancient myth represented by a beautiful woman with a fish's tail instead of legs. Biwo lunged determinedly for the edge of the fountain.

"Made it!" He said as he used his hands to make a cup for the water.

"Master, the others are watching�" Garos whispered in an unsure tone.

"Good! Bring 'em over. I don't care." He grinned. He nudged the padawan on the shoulder as he stared up at the statue. "What do you think of her, son? She's a bit of alright, don't you think?"

"It's a statue, Master."

"Use your imagination," sniffed Biwo as he stared in besotted fashion at the marble sculpture. He turned round to face Obi-Wan's little group further down the street. "Hey, Jemmiah. How about growing a tail and sitting in the water?" he laughed.

"MASTER!" Garos whimpered.

Biwo shook his head. "Well, if she won't jump in then I suppose it's up to me. Hold my robe." He instructed the dumbstruck apprentice.

"You CAN'T!" Garos swallowed.

"Course I can!" Biwo said happily as he jumped up on the rim of the fountain.

Hmiol watched in horror as Far Biwo, known throughout the temple as one of the most understated and respected masters in the order began to peel off his clothing piece by piece�

"Master!" Hmiol's eyes seemingly couldn't get any bigger, but yet they contrived to do so. "Come down from there!"

"You are such a spoilsport." Biwo chucked his right boot at his padawan. "When will you learn that there's more to life than studying and meditation and going for walks? Try having some fun!"

"That isn't fun, Master, it's called making a fool of yourself!"

"No, it's definitely fun." Biwo splashed some of the sprayback from the fountain into Hmiol's face. "Who wants to join me in this purposely built fresher for four?"

Obi-Wan and his group had arrived on the scene and Hmiol began to feel incredibly embarrassed. Not to mention guilty. Technically, it was all his fault. Him and that Simeon Cates, who now stood only yards from where his master was busy gyrating and cavorting, like a deranged snake charmer.

"If that's a new form of dancing, I can't see it catching on," Simeon remarked.

Hmiol gritted his teeth and ignored the remark. He had far more pressing things to think about.

"Catch!" Shouted Biwo as his other boot flew through the air, missing Spider by the narrowest of margins.

"Hey, careful!" She shouted. "You could have someone's eye out!"

"Well, funny you should say that!" Grinned Biwo; "Because it just so happens�" He began to unfasten his tunic trousers.

"Master!" yelled Hmiol in distress.

"Please, Master Biwo. You're causing a scene. And remember there are ladies present." Obi-Wan stepped closer.

"There are?" He stared at the group of congregating females. "Some of them, maybe." He pointed at Jemmiah. "If that's a lady then I'm Chancellor Valorum!"

"Cheers!" Jemmy pulled a face.

"Now, hang on a moment�" Obi-Wan began.

Biwo's tunic top landed smack over his head. "Does nobody here know how to have fun?" He asked, down to his socks and underwear.

"Aren't you cold?" Rela asked.

"No, I'm not. I'm a hot-blooded animal. Rowwwwwwrrrrrrr!" he growled.

[Master, I think you're needed here] Obi-Wan thought.

"I don't know what could have come over him." Simeon puzzled. "I've never seen anything like this before in all my days at the infirmary."

"Who cares what's wrong, let's just get him out!" Obi-Wan's replied was muffled from under Biwo's top. "There are laws against this sort of thing. If Yoda ever found out�"

"Ah, Yoda can go fillet himself." Biwo declared. "Miserable old troll. He was born with that stick up his�"

"MASTER!" Hmiol cautioned.

Biwo started to scrub himself under the arms, singing as he went. "Pity I don't have my little plasti-ducky with me." Biwo grinned.

Simeon tittered.

"Which of you lovely girls wants to help scrub my back?" he gloated.

"As long as he uses his brain for a sponge. It should soak up plenty of water." Jemmy bit back.

"That's not very friendly, my little Corellian water nymph!"

"I'm your what?" Jemmiah blinked.

"Water nymph." Biwo used the force to create a huge wave of water.

Everybody stepped back from him except for Obi-Wan who had just struggled out of Biwo's tunic top when the splash soaked him.

"Don't take offence Master Biwo, but you're one pod racer short of an arena." Jemmy stared at him.

"Come on in, the water's lovely!" Biwo removed his socks, rolling them into balls and bouncing them off his chest.

"Is he usually like this?" Rela frowned in distaste.

"No." Hmiol shut his eyes. "No he's not."

"Then what's brought it on? Surely it can't just be the demon drink?" Spider asked. "And quit all that splashing, will you? My Dinko's getting upset and believe me you do not like him when he gets nasty."

"Ah-ha!" Biwo snapped his fingers as if only just remembering. "It's the snake girl! Would you like to have a look at my�"

"NO SHE WOULDN'T YOU DISGUSTING OLD DUNG BEATLE!" Rela took a menacing step forwards.

"Whoa! The little red one's gonna get me! HELP! HELP! Indecent assault!"

"Indecent assault?" Jemmy pulled a face. "I think you're being hopeful, aren't you?"

"Hear that? They're all ganging up on me, Garos my boy. Well, I guess bath time's over. I'm gonna go pay my fishy friend here a visit."

Obi-Wan watched open-mouthed as Biwo started to climb, completely naked, up to the top of the column where the statue was. [MASTER!] he yelled mentally.

"Simeon, do something!"

"EH?"

"Do something!"

"Like what? If the flipper king wants to indulge in a harmless spot of romantic entanglement with a statue then I say good luck to him."

"Then cover Jemmiah's eyes!"

That caused Rela to laugh.

"You do it!"

"How can I!?!" Kenobi snapped, indicating his bandaged arms, now wet.

Jemmy saw the others begin to crawl their way back towards the fountain in little groups and as they did, two thoughts struck her. One: Who was going to get Biwo down before security was called out to arrest him for indecent exposure and two: "Where the heck is Meri with that holocam?" she yelled. "I can make enough money to keep me in luxury for the rest of my life with this footage!"

"Meri!" yelled Rela, making an exaggerated running motion with her fists, "get your rear down here and start shooting!"

"What are you talking about?" Meri began to pick up speed in a scuttling stride that was neither a walk nor a run. "What's up with you now? I thought we were s'posed to be going to the Jumpin' Jax but it would seem you've found some alternative form of escapism that probably�Holy Master Yoda's sainted underwear!" Meri exclaimed as she looked to where Jemmiah was pointing. "That never is�"

"It is." Simeon grinned.

"What's he doing?" Meri blinked.

"Well, you had to learn this sooner or later Mer, although it might come as a bit of a shock. See, Master Biwo's formed quite an attachment to our statue up there and he's decided to go courting."

Meri held up a silencing hand. "You don't need to say anything else. I'm filming, I'm filming!"

"Good. You want a copy, Rela?" Jemmy asked.

"To darn right," the redhead replied gruffly. "After all we've been through today I think this might just prove the ideal pick-me-up!"

Jemmy smiled. "Fine. That'll be 20 credits, please!"

"I thought I was your friend?" Rela stood akimbo.

"You are." Jemmiah looked puzzled. "Why do you think you're getting it so cheap?"

"I'll bet you say that to all the boys," Simeon chuckled.

"I don't say it to you," Jemmiah muttered.

Simeon sighed. "I know."

Up and up Biwo climbed, nearing the summit of his desire: a chance to lock lips with the stony embrace of his Corellian dream.

"He'll fall." Jemmy said flatly.

"He's a Jedi, course he won't," Simeon said dissmissively. "We're as nimble as cats."

"What, and cats can't fall?"

"They land on their feet," Rela remarked idly as she watched the continued assent.

"Well, let's hope he doesn't slip coz if he doesn't land on his feet he's going to do some permanent damage to that jet mechanism."

"Never heard it called that before," Spider snickered.

"I'm just saying," Jemmy frowned as she saw Biwo miss his next handhold, which was a very personal part of the statue's anatomy. "Marble's a very slippery surface when it's wet. All he has to do is make a tiny little error and�"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Biwo on his way down.

"Yup, there he goes." Jemmy nodded. "Did you get that, Meri?"

"Where is he?" Obi-Wan frowned as he tried to see through the spray. "Has he surfaced yet?"

"Not that I can see." Simeon craned his head as he searched vainly for the figure of Biwo amongst the cascading water.

"Perhaps he's drowned," Jemmy added.

Hmiol looked aghast. If his master had succumbed that would make him a drunk, an arsonist and a murderer. All in all quite an impressive tally in the space of one evening.

"No sign?" Even Simeon began to lose his joking patter. "He's got to be somewhere!"

"I'm telling you, he's drowned." Jemmy shook her head.

"You are SO morbid!" Obi-Wan said for the second time that day.

"How long can you hold your breath when you're drunk and hypothermic?" Jemmiah retorted.

"I've never tried both together."

"Only a matter of time with your track record," Jemmy mumbled to herself.

Hmiol had by now climbed into the fountain's rim and was desperately wading around in search of his beloved master. If Biwo were gone then he would be thrown out the order for good� "Master!" he yelled. "Where are you?"

"I'm up here, Garos my boy."

From amidst the spray the voice came, low and groaning in it's despair. As one, each of the observing Jedi and their companions looked above them, at first seeing nothing. And then� "There he is!" Spider pointed. "See? He's atop of that trident."

"Can you climb down, Master Biwo?" Kenobi asked.

"I don't want to go down, I want to go up!" Biwo replied, although looking much less certain than he had been earlier about his passion for the sculpture.

"Maybe the water's dampened his ardor," Simeon chuckled.

"I think it's probably the trident that's done that." Rela said dryly. "No way can that be comfy."

Obi-Wan shouted up again. "Master Biwo, if you don't come down we will have to call out the emergency services and you know what happens in cases like this."

"What?" Spider asked dubiously.

"They take holos. Trust me, I know about these things." He stared balefully up at the shivering master. "Please sir, come down. An-Paj will have you locked away for weeks on end if you don't."

"Will that Leona creature be making up my bed?" He shouted back through the din of the rushing water.

"I don't know�probably." Obi-Wan looked confused.

"Well," Biwo said in a shaky voice, "I'll take my chance with the hypothermia. She can plump up my pillows any day!"

Hmiol, now completely wet, glared at his teacher. "Master, COME DOWN HERE AT ONCE!" he yelled.

Everyone looked at him in utter surprise.

"Who are you?" Far asked.

"What do you mean? I'm your padawan!" Hmiol replied anxiously.

"No you're not! When would Garos Hmiol issue me with a command?" The drugged master grinned like a lunatic. "Go away you Hmiol wannabe!"

Jemmiah stepped forward. "Master Biwo. We are gonna leave you there if you don't come down right now."

"Shan't!"

"Bassalads!" Jemmiah swore. "How are we gonna get him down?"

"We're not." Rela replied. "But I know a man who can."

Jemmy and Rela exchanged a look that Obi-Wan didn't think a particularly good omen for his master.

*******

"Where IS everybody?" Dimallie asked Leona, searching every direction with her eyes. "I thought they were following us."

"They were." Leona joined her padawan in a quick scan of the area. She couldn't see anything and yet�

Something pricked at her fingers.

"Let's go back." she said curiously. "Go tell Qui-Gon where I've gone."

"Qui-Gon?" Dimallie simpered slightly. "It's Qui-Gon, is it now? Shouldn't you mean Master Jinn?"

"Yes, of course that's what I meant." Leona became flustered. "Master Jinn�look, whoever he is just get him, please?"

"Don't worry Master," Dimallie leant close to Leona with a wink, "I hope you enjoy your meal together."

Leona watched her normally shy and, dared one say it, clumsy apprentice as she staggered her way towards some of those who'd gone further ahead. The meal. She couldn't make up her mind about it. Part of her was turning handstands and cartwheels and summersaults of joy and total rapture. Qui-Gon Jinn! The man she admired from afar for so long! And�she had a date with him! If anyone had said that to her before the evening had started she would have slated them as having the biggest imaginations this side of Coruscant.

The other part of her mind was starting to worry.

He'd only done it under duress. Only said it to be spontaneous and show his boastful and joking friends he could still take them on in matters of the heart.

Hadn't he?

Was there any real attraction there on his part, or was he now regretting his words? She almost hoped he'd call it all off and end her misery.

Ahead of her she could see Dimallie tugging at the sleeves of Qui-Gon, whilst Jay Abran and Sal-Fina and Mace all began to walk back in their direction. From behind her she could see Simeon Cates pounding the permacrete as he ran towards her. "Master Biwo's up a fountain with no clothes on, sitting on a giant fork, Sith drunk and he won't come down," he gasped. "Did I mention he had no clothes on?"

"I believe you did," Leona said with a disgusted curl of the lips.

"Pass it on!" Simeon shouted. "I have to go back!"

"Simeon, wait!" Leona called, but the young padawan was already running back to the scene of the crime.

Leona shook her head.

"Master? What's going on?" Dimallie asked as she and Qui-Gon walked towards the petite healer. Leona caught herself gazing into those blue eyes and had to stop herself from staring at them overly long.

"Er�I just had a message from Simeon." She sighed inwardly, trying to recall it. Those eyes had thrown her a little, if she was honest.

"And?" Qui-Gon prompted gently, gazing back at her.

Oh, Gods! Leona couldn't remember! Her mind had just emptied itself of everything! Everything except the man standing in front of her! "Er, he said something about Biwo being as drunk as a stork up a mountain. Without any clothes."

"He said what?" he asked with a puzzled face.

"No. No, that wasn't it. I'll get it in a minute," she mumbled. "Er, he's up a fork in a fountain without any clothes."

"Why would the fountain have clothes?" Dimallie asked.

Qui-Gon felt the embarrassment radiate from Leona and decided to save her further hassle. "Thank you, Dimallie. Perhaps if you go back and join the others. Leona and I will take a look at this fountain and see what's to be done."

"Oh yes?" Dimallie smirked, as she backed away. "By yourselves, huh?" She almost beamed in delight. "No clothes, eh Master?"

Before Leona could even think about the inference Dimallie turned on her heel and lurched her ungainly way back to Jay. "I think the drink has gone to her." Leona colored.

"Not to worry." Qui-Gon smiled. "That's nothing to the embarrassment that Jemmiah and Obi-Wan have caused me between them. Still, I'm sure we can discuss our relative woes over our meal tomorrow."

Leona regarded him carefully.

"You still want to go?" She hesitated. "I'll understand if you don't."

"Why ever should I not?" Jinn looked amazed. "Don't you want to go out?"

"No, no!" Leona said too quickly. "I just thought that you�well, I mean it was a dare, wasn't it? And not a fair one either. If you wanted to call it off�"

"Absolutely not," he replied. "Now, let's hear no more of this."

He smiled. "Let's see what Biwo's managed to get himself into now."

*******

"It's cold up here!" Biwo said.

"Then come down you scatty old Jedi!" Jemmiah said crossly. "You could be in the bar having a double brandy to warm you up!"

"Actually, no." Simeon replied. "That's the worst thing you can do when you're hypothermic. It'll give you a swift and temporary high but then you'll get an equally sudden low and you'll start shaking so much that your heart will pack up under all the strain. It could kill him."

Jemmiah considered. "You sure you don't want that drink?" she shouted up to Biwo.

"It sounds fine to me." He shivered. "Only thing is�I can't get down."

"What do you mean?" Obi-Wan frowned. "Why not climb down?"

Biwo sat there and moved his head to look down. "Because I'm sacred! How the hell did I get up here? And why am I stark naked? Sith! Whoever did this is going to find themselves in DEEP water!"

"Just don't move, Master Biwo." Jemmy said drolly. "Or you're going to find yourself in deeper water."

Biwo lay, trembling and with his eyes shut, clinging to the trident with all his life. "I want to get down. Somebody! Help!"

"What a baby," Rela snorted. "It's always the same with these butch Jedi types. You think they're all so powerful and flawless and then something like this happens to shatter your illusions."

"It's always the older, quieter types." Spider sighed.

Biwo opened one eye and saw Meri staring straight up at him with the camera pointing in his direction. "What's she doing?" he yelped.

"I'm getting a close up," Meri replied through the spray.

"Of what?"

"The waterworks." She grinned.

*******

Dimallie struggled over to Jay. "Master Leona says that Simeon said that there's a fountain and Master Biwo's not wearing a stitch and he's stuck on a fork!" She said breathlessly, before spotting Letina and hurrying away to impart the latest news.

"Eh?" Frowned Jay.

Abran mulled it over in his mind before deciding it didn't make sense anyway. He lurched over to Zac. "Dimallie says that Healer Leona says that Simeon says that Hmiol's master is swearing at a fountain and�" He tried to recollect the order of words, "�got an itch and stuck on a fork or something."

"Yeah? No kidding!" Zac smiled glassily as he took a swig from a bottle of Coruscant Ale. He could see all the others were struggling from their over-consumption but at least he was comfortable in the fact that he was perfectly fine.

He swaggered over to Jodi. "Jay says that Dimallie says that Healer Leona says that Simeon says that Hmiol's plastered and up a mountain and doing unspeakably rude things to a stork."

"Doesn't surprise me in the least," Jodi grunted. "I've always had my doubts about that one ever since I heard those strange sounds from his apartment."

"What noises were those?"

"I believe it went like�QUACK!" Jodi screwed up his face.

"You're kidding me!" Zac's eyes rounded.

"Something to do with Jemmy, I was told. Some prank that went hideously wrong. But I'm not so sure now." He hiccuped. He waved at Zac and followed his feet to where Sybelle was talking with Griff. "Hey, guys." He whispered, making them strain their ears. "Zac says that Jay says that Dimallie says that Healer Leona says that Simeon says that Hmiol's got himself a big bird and is up a mountain being rude with her."

"We are talking about Hmiol? Garos "Two Grunts" Hmiol? Who'd rather be boiled in oil than say hello? THAT Garos Hmiol?" Sybelle blinked.

"There aren't any mountains round here." Griff frowned. "On the other side of the planet, yes, but�"

"There's a naughty strip club two blocks away called the Blue Mountain," Sybelle mused.

"And how do you know this?" Griff asked.

Sybelle shrugged. "I only know coz Jemmy once said that she'd gone in to see an all male stripper group."

"That'll be it, then." Jodi thumbed his nose. "He'll be in there."

"I don't believe it." Sybelle remarked, but still wandering over to Krelo and Lilith all the same.

"Hmiol's got some bird in a club," she hissed.

"You don't say." Lilith shook her head. "Well, young hormones. It could happen to anyone."

Sal-Fina overheard the last remark and raced over to Dex Berlingside and the unsteady Kylenn, grabbing Dexy by the shoulders. "Steady!" he said, surprised. "You're not usually this forward."

"Shut up and listen! I've just heard that Sybelle kid say that Hmiol's got some female in the club!"

Kylenn looked between Sal-Fina to Dex and then back again. She burst out laughing.

*******

Griff looked at the young male padawans as they congregated drunkenly on the street corner. "Hey!" He beckoned over Jodi and Zac. "Why don't we go look for your padawan chum."

"What?" Jodi chuckled. "In the Blue Mountain?"

"We'd be doing it to find your friend." He smiled.

"Yeah?" Zac thought about it. "What about your girlfriend?"

Griff grinned. "She doesn't have to know."

*******

"Master Biwo, now DON'T PANIC!" Simeon called up to the violently shivering man as he clung for dear life to the trident. "Help is on its way."

"H-how's that?" quaked Hmiol's master as the spray landed on his naked back.

Simeon grinned. "I've called for Master Jinn."

"Awww, Sith!" cursed the Jedi.

"He'll know what to do."

"Sith!"

"Not to worry. I'm sure he's seen plenty of naked people."

"We're not talking about Sal-Fina," Biwo groaned. "We're talking about me."

Jemmiah grimaced at the thought of Sal-Fina without clothes. Ugh! "Don't worry Master Biwo. I think you're safe."

"How's that?"

"You're not his type."

"I'm glad to hear that!"

"And when this whole ordeal is over you will look back in years to come and laugh at it."

Obi-Wan glanced at Jemmiah with a warm smile on his face. That's my girl, he thought, always trying to offer comfort and hope to the afflicted and sore of spirit.

"And if you don't then I'll have several holo film copies to help jog your memory!" She grinned.

Obi-Wan's smile faded just a touch.

"Oh, Sith!" Biwo repeated.

"I know!" Rela clicked her fingers together as an idea struck her. "Let's play eye-spy."

"What for?" Simeon frowned.

"To help pass the time and take Biwo's mind of the all the humiliation�"

"Oh Sith."

"�and terrible embarrassment," Rela continued.

"Oh Sith."

"�not to mention the indignity of the whole situation."

"Sith! Sith! A thousand times Sith!" Biwo groaned.

"I swear you're as bad as each other." Kenobi shook his head.

"Who me?" the two girls chorused. "Nah!"

"And she's got a head start on me when it comes to being horrible because she's older than I am." Jemmy stuck her tongue out.

"It's an art you pick up with age." Rela nodded. "Stick with me kid, and I'll make you the worst hell cat ever to set foot on this planet's surface."

Rela stared up at the figure. "You wanna play this game, sir?" she called.

"Y-yes," said the somewhat bluish master.

Jemmy nudged Obi-Wan gently in the side. "Better get him down soon. He's beginning to resemble An-Paj!"

"OK, Master Biwo. Here goes." Rela looked about her. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with�" Her head swept this way and that, seemingly lighting on something in the darkened streets. "F."

Biwo, cold and tired and drunk as he was, tried to look round the surrounding area and guess what it could be. Not very easy when every two seconds a large jet of water insisted on shooting itself up between his legs, trying to knock him off his perch.

"F?" he shouted down.

"That's right." Rela nodded.

"There isn't anything that begins with F." Obi-Wan stared at the ground, then the sky and finally the passers by who were staring as they walked past.

"I can't think of anything." Spider shrugged. "Can you?"

"Not a thing." Jemmiah screwed up her face. "I give up."

"Are you sure it's F?" Simeon asked Rela.

"Listen Frizzy, I may not be the smartest person in the galaxy but I'm by no means the thickest. I can just about cope with my letters, thank you." She said pointedly.

"Well, I can't think of a darned thing," Cates grumbled.

Hmiol sighed. "It's fountain." he said.

"WHAT?" Obi-Wan stared.

"F. Fountain starts with an F! Or hadn't you noticed?" Rela replied.

There was a pause.

"I don't find that funny." Biwo shook.

"Sheesh, you try and take someone's mind off all the hassle they're going to face when they get back to the temple�"

"Not to mention when Yoda gets to hear about it." Jemmiah added helpfully.

"�precisely." Rela agreed. "And all you get is criticism!"

"Look, I'll try one. OK?" Jemmy shouted up.

"Yeah, yeah." Moaned Biwo. "Whatever."

"Now we know where he gets it from." Simeon stared at Hmiol from under his brows.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with B-N!"

"Butt Naked!" Rela clapped her hands together.

"Y-E-S!" Jemmiah laughed. "Well done!"

Obi-Wan closed his eyes.

"Oh, Sith!" Biwo moaned for the hundredth time.

"I want a go." Simeon smiled. "I spy with my little eye something beginning wiiiiiiiiiiiith," he closed an eye in concentration," W!"

"It had better not be water," Biwo growled from high above.

"Awww, darn," Simeon sighed.