A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


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"I'm not sure I can make it to the Salamander." Jemmy moaned as she limped alongside Obi-Wan towards the exit.

"I'm sure we can always find another skip�" Obi-Wan pretended to look round in search for the object in question.

"Careful," Jemmy growled. "I hit cripples."

Sal-Fina sniffed the sir in disgust as the three girls went past her. "What is that revolting stench?" she asked with loathing in her voice.

"It's garbage. Rubbish. Effluence." Jemmy remarked, fixing the Jedi with a fiery glare. "Something I thought you'd have recognized during your socializing with the other sewer rats�" As Sal-Fina's jaw dropped in outrage, Jemmiah frowned. "Talking of which, where is your padawan anyway?"

With that, Jemmiah walked away leaving Sal-Fina raging all on her own.

"You really don't like her, do you?" Rela couldn't resist a smile.

"What gave it away?" Jemmy asked, turning to face Spider. "How's the Dinko? Is it still alive?"

"I think it's in shock." Spider grinned.

"So's Sal-Fina." Rela replied as she helped Jemmy hobble through the door and out onto the street. Obi-Wan walked beside them, unable to assist with his hands still in bandages.

"Let's play a little game." Rela smiled.

"Yeah?" Jemmy winced. "What's that?"

"Who's got the nicest rear? What do you reckon?"

"No contest." Jemmy drawled Corellian style. "Sorry guys, but�it's me!"

"Noooooo, idiot." Rela shook her head. "Not us. The guys."

Jemmy looked at Spider. "Can't say as I've ever looked at 'em all at the one time."

"Now's your chance." Spider's eyes began to twinkle with mischief. "You ready?"

"Wait a moment!" Obi-Wan looked indignation personified as the girls let him walk past so they could get a good long look at his rump. "If I did that to a passing lady, I would get hauled over hot coals for harassment!"

"I know. Sith happens, huh?" Jemmy giggled. "Not bad, not bad. What do you think Rel?"

"Not bad shape." Rela agreed, sweeping her eyes over Kenobi's backside. "Course, you'd know more about that than I would, Jemmy."

"Not much more." Jemmiah muttered. "Oh, well."

"Marks out of ten?" Spider asked.

"Ten." Jemmy said.

"Eight," Rela piped up.

"Six." Jemmy changed her mind.

"Eh? What's wrong with it? Is it too big in these robes? Too small? If you don't tell me I shall have a complex for the rest of my life." Kenobi tried to crane his head round to see behind him.

"There's nothing wrong Ben. It's just that you've got six appeal." Jemmy smiled.

"Oh, very amusing."

"What about Simeon?" Jemmy asked.

Rela's grin widened.

"Now that is one hell of a rump." She laughed. "I could do with seeing more of that."

"Mmmmm!" agreed Spider.

"Perfect conformation." Jemmy agreed. "Tens all round, I think."

"What? Simeon's got a nicer posterior than I have, is that what you're saying?" Obi-Wan looked deflated.

"Look there's Qui-Gon! Let's sneak up on him!" Rela pointed as she started to drag an unprotesting Jemmiah towards the retreating form of the tall Jedi.

"He's still not quite managing straight lines, is he?" Rela hissed.

"Who cares? We've got a good view. He's not wearing his robes." Spider bent over whilst walking sideways behind the Jedi Master.

Qui-Gon stopped suddenly and Spider's face went right into him.

"I've heard of close ups but that was ridiculous!" Rela pointed with a chuckle.

"Can I help you at all?" Jinn sighed wearily as he turned round.

"No, no. Everything's fine." Spider replied. "I just wanted to get a better look at your b�"

The hand that Jemmiah clamped over her mouth cut off her voice. "There's a�" Jemmy started. "�thread." Rela supplied.

"�yeah, thread. Thanks Rel."

"No problem."

"�hanging down from your tunic top."

"Is there?" Qui-Gon tried to see it.

"Yup," Rela said, "and we don't want you unraveling, do we? I think I'd better remove it, huh Babyface?" Rela quickly darted forwards and pretended to remove the stray thread. The look on her face as she got close was something that Jemmy would never forget. Rela gave a thumbs up sign.

"What's going on?" Qui-Gon demanded.

"It's gone now." Rela smiled.

He walked away, completely nonplussed.

"Well?" Jemmy asked.

"OK. I could've done with more light."

Jemmy looked further down the street. "How about you ask the glow-worm brigade if they'll stand still whilst they shine a little light on the subject." Jemmy tittered.

Rela and Spider followed their friend's gaze with total astonishment. Hmiol was completely fluorescent yellow. So was Jodi. As were Ambianca, Meri, Sybelle and Dimallie.

"What in the name of�" Lilith was incredulous. "That Abran boy has really done it this time! Stars sakes! Lightsabres with legs, that�s what they look like!"

"You swine!" Sybelle yelped angrily at Jay, who backed hurriedly down the road as he tried to defend himself.

"I'm just spreading a little sunshine!" he protested.

"I look like a glow stick!" she hissed.

When Griff snickered at her, she stamped hard on his foot again.

"Well, it certainly does things for Ambianca." Jemmy nodded ad the crybaby ran to Sal-Fina for comfort. "I'm sure the moths will be coming for miles�"

Simeon sauntered up to the little group. Well, at least he didn't get ME this time." He grinned.

The other four exchanged glances. "Er�Simeon." Rela smiled sweetly, "Have you been sucking the Limes from people's drinks, perchance?"

"Yeah," he said surprised, "why?"

Rela watched the illuminated pair of teeth flash at her. "No reason." she said.

Krelo sauntered along next to Lilith and grinned widely at the three girls gazing appraisingly at Qui-Gon's rear. She looked at Lilith and her grin widened. "You know, ladies, there's a much better way of going about that than simply looking." Krelo strode up to Dex and as she passed him, grabbed a nice large handful of his rear.

Lilith crowed with laughter and indicated Krelo's move to Jemmiah. "Now that's how a Corellian should go about this sort of contest!"

"He's at least an 8," Krelo purred as she rejoined them, a rather startled looking Dex staring after her. Since she and Lilith had been goosing men most of the night the elevation in tactics didn't seem to surprise anyone at all.

Lilith copied her friend with Dex and both moved on to Qui-Gon, each grabbing a cheek. They walked on past the scandalized master already debating his score.

"Dexie's an 8, but Qui's starting to get past his prime. I give him a 7," Krelo declared, not bothering to hide her evaluation from any of those involved.

"I give Casanova a 7. He's too full of himself already. But I think Qui deserves an 8. For a man of his age and experience, he obviously is taking good care of himself," Lilith argued back.

Krelo looked thoughtful. "I may have to agree with you on that one . . . But still . . ."

Together they moved through the group, brazenly debating the 'virtues' of the men. Jemmiah could only shake her head. If Lilith and Krelo were typical Corellians it would seem that she had a little catching up to do.

Krelo glanced over her shoulder at the girls trailing behind the tall duo. "Well? What are you waiting for? We'll have to have your input as well if this is going to be a truly fair and equitable contest. Lil and I are older, we need the opinion of some . . . younger hands." She grinned wickedly and beckoned them onward.

"Come along."

Mace flopped himself down onto a seat by the bar; subconsciously fingering his recently acquired tattoo yet again under the protective covering of his Jedi sash. He watched as Jemmiah and Rela groped at Gethin, one from either side, but all the healer did was to increase his smile to the size of an upturned crescent moon.

Qui-Gon seemed less impressed as he and Leona dragged themselves over to the bar to join their friend.

"I just know I'm going to hate myself in the morning," Mace groused.

"So will I," Jinn groaned.

"What? Hate yourself?"

"No." He said simply. "Hate you."

Mace snorted in mock amusement. "What are you so worried about? You won't be able to remember tomorrow. Considering what you were like at the end of that Valorum drinking game I should think that's just as well."

"They've got everything on holocam." Qui-Gon regarded Jemmiah and Obi-Wan helping each other to sit down. At the last moment Jemmy pinched the rather surprised but delighted padawan on the rear. "And worst of all it's full of things like that! It'll look like a film of our old wenching days when we were padawans!"

"Those were the days." Sighed Mace. "Anyhow, what's Jemmiah got planned now?"

"Knowing her it could be just about anything. We've had everything from mass kissing to snail racing. I just hope it doesn't require too much energy."

"I sympathize." Mace nodded.

Jemmiah nudged Spider. "This'll be good." She smiled.

Spider turned to see the giant form of Flint, the Wookie from one of the earlier cantinas, making her way towards the assembled group armed with sheaves of flimsyplast. Garos Hmiol saw her approach and nearly died of shock when the hairy being shoved herself down next to him, placing a friendly hand on his knee.

"Hi Flint," Jemmy drawled, "so you managed to make it out, did you? Got those sheets made up for me?"

The Wookie nodded.

"What's this, Jem?" Rela pointed at the flimsy sheets.

"Our next little attempt to get to know each other better. This is our soul baring session. I've had a sheet made up with everyone's name on it. We shuffle 'em up and then everyone picks one. Then they get to fill in the questionnaire about the person they've chosen, being brutally honest of course. After they've done, they hand 'em back and we shuffle them again. Then we all read out the results."

"Oh, I dunno about that one." Simeon swallowed. "We could all get torn to shreds. Say we get picked by someone who hates us?" He sneaked a swift glance at Hmiol from under his hooded brows.

"It's a risk, Simmy, but we can't all be loved." Jemmy pinched his cheek. "Well?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "I'll do it if everyone else is prepared to do the same."

"Good." Jemmiah smiled. "That settles it."

"But�" Simeon began.

"You might get someone who likes you." Rela pointed out.

"Don't count on it." Hmiol muttered to himself.

Flint growled something close to him, and Hmiol nearly passed out from the raw meat smell on her breath.

"She says you don't have anything to worry if she'd picks you." Jemmy laughed. "She'll look after you, Garos!"

"So, shall I do the honors?" Rela was quick to stand and take the flimsy sheets from Flint. She walked over to Qui-Gon initially and offered him first choice.

"What?" He exclaimed as she relayed Jemmiah's instructions. "That is not something I am going to do under any circumstances. No way. Absolutely not."

"That's your final word, huh?" Krelo asked just a few feet away from him.

"Yup."

"Well, I think you ought to reconsider, JUNGLE BOY!" She grinned at him lasciviously.

Qui-Gon went pale.

"What did she mean?" Leona frowned.

"She means, 'why don't I have a nice sheet of flimsy', don't you Krelo?" He forced a smile on his face as he took a writing instrument and selected his sheet.

"That's the right choice you've just made." Krelo winked.

Jinn watched Rela offer the next choice to Mace and then checked his own sheet to see whom his unlucky recipient was.

He smiled when he saw whom the force had selected for him.

I might enjoy this, Jinn smiled, still somewhat the worse for the alcohol he'd downed two cantina's ago. Hmm. But what should I write? The questions were designed to enable the writer to vent their spleen if the person of their choice was not perhaps their most favorite individual in the galaxy.

NO.1: Any annoying habits that you can think of?

NO.2: Something you like about this person.

NO.3: Something you DON'T like about this person.

NO.4: Helpful suggestions or advice you might give to this person.

NO.5: Has this person ever been helpful or kind in anyway? If so, how?

N0.6: Has this person ever been unhelpful or unkind in anyway? If so, how?

N0.7: Would you trust this person to guard your back in a dangerous situation?

N0.8: Please sum up your feelings for this person in less than 100 words.

Qui-Gon chewed at the end of the writing stylus as he pondered his answers. So many things he could say. So many things he SHOULDN'T say�

What the heck.

Obi-Wan stared at his sheet. This would prove to be a VERY revealing document indeed. When Rela started to hand out the writing tools he suddenly realized he had a BIG problem.

"How am I s'posed to write like this?" he protested as he looked at the bandages.

"How did you cope in the fresher?" Jemmiah asked with a wild laugh.

Kenobi blushed. "I'm NOT doing that in this instance," he muttered.

"Then I'll help you." She smiled at him, causing his heart to summersault. Rela caught the look and couldn't resist commenting.

"Pass the sick bag."

"I think we've both had enough of being sick, THANK YOU!" Jemmiah arched an eyebrow at her friend.

"Yeah, look. I said I was sorry," Rela replied. "I thought you were dying or something."

"You might be if you got picked by who I think you did." Jemmy chuckled.

"Eh? Who?" she demanded.

"Now, now. Identities of the writers are kept secret. You know that." Jemmy looked about. "Don't s'pose you know who chose me, do you?"

"What did you just say to me?" Rela smiled.

"I'll just say this. Be very, very afraid�"

Qui-Gon continued to gnaw away at the end of the writing tool as he contemplated the answers he had submitted. He was still stuck on the 'Any annoying habits' part.

There were too many to count.

Mace was sweating equally hard over his answers.

Why, he wondered, did it feel like he was sitting an examination? He tried to think of a suitable way of summing up this person in under 100 words and realized pretty quickly that it would take an encyclopedic effort to do his victim justice.

Sal-Fina wet her lips as she tried to conjure up the suitable images that this person evoked. She found the writing easy. It was just unfortunate that she'd run out of space before she'd even reached 100 words.

Jemmy, being of artistic inclination, got bored very quickly and started to draw stick figure diagrams to go along with the writing.

Kylenn was still groggy and ended up writing off the flimsy and onto the table.

Vernice fell across her flimsy half way through.

Meri was glowing whilst writing her report.

All the time, Rela could see everyone eyeing each other, trying to guess who had picked whom, and what they were saying about them. Everyone except for Hmiol, who was too busy trying to keep his mind off the large, hairy Wookie hand that was clamped on his knee�

"Right." Spider looked at her wrist chrono. "Time's up!"

"Already?" Mace looked disappointed.

"Afraid so. Hand your answers face down to Rela. She'll shuffle them and then hand them back out at random. Each person will have to read one out."

Mace grimaced and reluctantly put down his writing scribe. He'd just been getting into the swing of things, too�

Jemmiah watched as Rela gathered together the sheaf of documents with the air of a schoolteacher who wouldn't be trifled with. She's in her element here, Jemmy thought, as the twinkle in those dark eyes became more pronounced.

"OK, boys and girls. Take a sheet. No peeking as of yet."

I hope they've been kind to me, sighed Simeon.

I hope nothing embarrassing has been said about me, thought Mace.

My person will never want to go out in public again, thought Sal-Fina with glee. "You all done? Good." Rela looked about her. "Right. Spider, you go first. Who are you gonna read out?"

Spider cleared her throat. "Menali Jay Abran."

Jay looked rather worried.

"OK, What does it say? Er�embarrassing habits. Jay Abran is a pain in the rear. Literally. He frequently gets the urge to pinch you on the backside. He thinks he's being fun and romantic but I've still got the bruises from his attack last week. He also whistles far too loudly. It's extremely irritating. Please stop it at once!"

"Thank you!" Jay frowned. "I'm only being friendly."

Spider continued. "Something I like about this person: He has a good sense of humor. I just wish he would use it against the Masters more! He also has a nicely sculpted body. Hmmm! Let's see more of it round the temple please, instead of hiding it underneath those robes."

"THAT's more like it!" Jay said smugly. "This person has some semblance of taste. They obviously know an exquisite individual when they see one."

"Something I don't like: there is a hole in the temple roof from where his big head crashed through. Abran, you are NOT the center of the galaxy. The sun does not revolve around you. The angels did not weep at your birth, although I expect your mother did. Not to mention your poor master."

"I've changed my mind." Jay crossed his arms indignantly. "They don't have a brain cell to their credit."

Spider grinned. "Helpful advice: Please don't smile as much. I'm going blind from the glare. And lose that silly neck chain. It makes you look like a tame cannoid. Wuff-Wuff!" Spider frowned. "With a little picture of you in a dog collar! It's a very good likeness. Although I think adding the lamppost is a bit risqu�."

"What's wrong with my neck chain?" demanded Jay.

"Has this person ever done anything kind or helpful: Not really. He likes to levitate ice cubes with the force and drop them down your neckline. That's not kind. He also likes to get you really drunk so you can't find your way back home. That's not helpful."

"I resent that!" Abran huffed.

"Has this person ever done anything unkind or unhelpful: He's still breathing. (Only joking) Too many to mention. His jokes backfire badly most of the time, but he's not spiteful. Just an idiot. But we can't punish him for that. If we did then most of the temple would be under lock and key�"

"Oh, VERY kind!" snorted Qui-Gon, who had an idea who was behind this particular attack.

"Would you trust this person to guard your back: No. Whilst he was guarding my back, he'd be groping my front."

"That's outrageous!" Abran complained, but with a silly grin on his face whilst he said it.

"Sum up in under 100 words: Menali Jay Abran is a show off. He thinks he's the best thing that's ever happened to the temple since the dawn of the Jedi. There are times when I wish someone would hit his silly smile with a brick. He's a cad, but in the nicest possible way. Jay is fun to be with provided your back isn't to him, and although he is exceedingly tight with his money I like him a lot.

He also has extremely nice legs!"

Jay Abran grinned.

"Thanks Jemmiah," he said.

"Ok, you're next Dimallie." Rela nudged the hazel-eyed girl. "Who'd you get?"

"Um...Master?" the brown haired girl muttered, looking over the flimsy in her hand. Glancing up, she turned large sorrowful eyes to Leona.

[That bad, huh Padawan?.] Leona sent over the master/padawan bond, reading the girl's extreme discomfort. [Don't worry, it's only a game Dimallie. Remember what they say about sticks and stones...]

"Well, go on, Dimwit," Ambianca ventured insolently. "You can read, can't you?"

"That's rude and uncalled for." Simeon spoke up defensively, glaring at the blonde across the table.

Sal-Fina pulled her apprentice back, whispering into a cupped hand. Ambianca tittered maliciously then turned a sickly sweet smile to Dimallie.

"I do apologize. Please read on," she drawled with mock remorse, turning her nose up at Simeon.

"Healer Leona Please." Dimallie read quietly, distressed at the insult to her master's name.

"Annoying Habits: What doesn't she do that annoys me. This little pseudo-Jedi honestly believes that by dressing like a Corellian streetwalker and covering her face in make-up she might be able to hide her rather visible flaws and attract the attention of a man. She must be really desperate considering the object of those attentions. Annoying...more like downright shameful.

"Something I like about this person? She makes even a Rancor look good next to her."

Leona sat listening to the disparaging remarks with calmness borne of the Force. Around her, no one laughed or made light of the hurtful remarks. Only Sal-Fina and her padawan looked at all pleased with the goings on. A number of the participants glowered at the pair, Jemmiah particularly, who hadn't expected the game to take such a vicious turn.

"Helpful suggestions" Dimallie continued, her head down, her voice a flat monotone.

"Stick with adhering to your place in the Infirmary. It will cause much less embarrassment for you and those in your company. And please whatever Jawa is providing your fashion sense, get rid of him.

"Sum up my feelings in 100 words? Why waste the effort."

There was a deadly silence for a moment. Leona could see Rela and Jemmiah formulating plans for revenge in their minds, and although she couldn't condone such actions she felt strangely flattered that two people she knew hardly anything about had felt strongly enough to stick up for her in a moment of crisis.

As for Sal-Fina; evil was it's own reward. Or as Jemmiah would put it, she'd get hers!

"Mace," Rela hurriedly prompted the Jedi to take center stage. "Your turn."

All eyes swiveled towards Windu, who actually drew himself up, a mask of self-importance firmly in place. "Hurrrhh-Hurrrhhhh." He cleared his throat. "The person whose report I have the honor to read out is�An-Paj."

"Interesting." Simeon grinned.

"Watch it, padawan. YOU might be next." An-Paj replied with a friendly warning.

Mace smiled as he read the list out.

"I think we've got the wrong list here." He chuckled. "Someone's swapped the report of our resident torturer for the Blessed sister of Mercy!"

"What do you mean?" An-Paj looked hurt.

"I'll let you hear for yourself. Any annoying habits? Not according to this he doesn't. It says here, and I quote:

"An-Paj has no bad habits. He is a model of sobriety and a shining example to all his fellow healers and Jedi. If only there were more like him!"

"Yeah, then maybe I wouldn't have to change Quirida-Xac's sheets." Simeon grumbled.

An-Paj shrugged modestly. "What can I say?"

"What about this one? Something I like about this person: Everything. He is a darling and an angel of mercy. He has too many good points to list. He is a master of his profession, if you'll pardon the pun. In short, I love this man."

"Urgh!" Jemmiah looked horrified. "You haven't sneaked Ferdi Xadaani in here by any chance, seeing as how she's your biggest fan?"

"Is she?"

"Oooooh, yeah!" Jemmiah smiled as she swirled the citrus drink in her glass. "Room in An-Paj towers for another Mrs. An-Paj?"

The healer looked as if he'd taken some kind of brain seizure.

"To continue," Mace smiled, "Something I don't like about this person: Nothing! What's to dislike? His bedside manner is superb. He can comfort me in my hour of need any time!"

"It IS Ferdi!" Jemmy squeezed Obi-Wan's leg under the table, a move that Qui-Gon had the misfortune to witness.

"Now you've got me worried." Confessed the blue-skinned healer.

"Helpful advice: He needs none. He is perfect. He is a joy to behold and I would not dream of advising someone who is clearly at the top of their field. Perhaps he should be a little more firm in his handling of padawan Cates. A mild thrashing twice a day would probably be the best thing."

"Best thing for who?" Simeon moaned. "Who is this Nerf Fritter?"

"Someone who evidently knows what he's talking about!" An-Paj retorted. "I might just have to keep this advice in mind!"

"I bet it's Hmiol." Simeon hissed to himself.

"Has this person ever done anything kind or helpful: This man is a walking legend. He lives to serve his patients with a cheerful smile and a helpful 'Good morning' as he makes his rounds."

"By that criteria he should be dead," Simeon groused.

"He is always on hand with his ready wit and a handy bedpan whenever required. I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have do an examination with rubber gloves�"

"Oh, stop!" Qui-Gon pulled a disgusted face. "Spare us the details."

"Too close to home, is it?" Gethin Territ laughed.

"As close as I ever want to get." Qui-Gon gritted his teeth.

"�and is exceptionally kind to the apprentices. Sometimes if they're good they get a special treat, such as smoothing out the bed linen or cleaning up after accident-prone initiates. He even once let his padawan fan him down for two hours when the cooling systems were cooked."

Simeon's eyes became slits of irritation. He was pretty sure now he knew who had written this�

"Is it true, Simmy?" Meri asked.

"Unfortunately, yes." Cates glowered at a clearly amused Hmiol.

"Has this person done anything unhelpful or unkind: Not unless you count laughing at some of the amusing cases that have come into the infirmary over the years. Take that incident with the Fork-Tailed Stinger in the gardens� I KNOW HE LAUGHED LIKE A DRAIN?!?!?" Mace glared at An-Paj.

"Did you write this, Cates?" Qui-Gon asked with a grin.

"No I did not!" Simeon looked put out. "As if I'd advocate beating myself twice a day!"

"It takes all kinds to make a galaxy," Meri remarked.

"I know who did write it, though," muttered the dark haired padawan.

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in a crisis: Implicitly. Through a Bacta tank."

"Now that's healer speak." An-Paj smiled. "We have someone who knows the infirmary very well, I would say."

All eyes swung to Leona.

"It WASN'T ME!" She defended herself. "Even though you did laugh like a drain when you removed that insect from Mace's�"

"Sum up this person in under 100 words;" Mace said with teeth firmly clenched, "An-Paj is simply the best. There is nobody his equal anywhere. He is a prince amongst men. A gentleman. A shining jewel with a scalpel sharp wit. In short, he is a Super Healer. If the force willed I were to be reincarnated I would like to come back as An-Paj�"

"So would I." Zac agreed. "Looking after six wives is a task I could quite easily aspire to."

"I agree with all of that." Simeon nodded. "I'd like to come back as you, Sir."

"Really?" An-Paj looked impressed. "I'm touched."

"Yes," Simeon continued, "because when I was nearly in my middle age I could sit down and write a glowing report about how much I loved myself. And nobody would know the truth."

Cates smirked. "Except for my padawan."

Krelo leaned back in her chair at the bar and listened to the stream of tripe that was flowing out of Mace's mouth. She leaned over to Lilith and whispered in her ear.

"If half of what is written on that flimsy was true, An would have been ghosted by now." She snorted rudely and took another sip of her drink. "Never get sick or hurt when you're at the academy. He'll shove the worst tasting concoctions down your throat and grin like a well fed cat."

Lilith made a disgusted face, which quickly turned to amusement as Cates revealed the true author of the report. "Oh, he's never gonna live this one down."

"Probably a good thing only Griff and I know you well enough to fill out one of those things, lady."

"Not that anyone would really be able to accurately go on about you, either. From what you've told me, you spent very little time in the temple."

"Yah, my . . . " She took a sharp breath and let it out slowly. "My master and I didn't spend much time anywhere. We were constantly on the move."

Both the women's attention was drawn to Ambianca's chittering laughter. Oh, Krelo thought, a merciless smile playing at the corners of her full lips, you'll get yours, alright. You two will most definitely get yours.

Lilith nudged Krelo with her elbow and gestured at The Hag and her Familiar, mischief glinting in her muddy green eyes. She looked at her friend and recognized the same glint in Kre's eyes and giggled evilly.

"Simeon." Rela beckoned the young man to stand up. "Who have you got?"

Cates looked down at the sheet. Then up at the assembly. "Garos Hmiol." He said in a thunderous tone, as if passing sentence rather than announcing a name. So what if he hadn't been granted the chance to mouth off at Mr. Dull? This was almost as good.

"Can I start?" He said in a chirpy voice that Garos did not think bode well at all.

"Please do." Qui-Gon smiled.

"Any annoying habits: It's very difficult to tell. He keeps himself to himself a lot and from what I DO know of him that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Assessing this fellow is very tricky, and that in itself is highly annoying. He also stares a lot from under his brows, which leaves you wondering if he's in love with you or he wants to murder you in your bed. Either is a fairly ghastly prospect."

"That's a bit unfair." Biwo shrugged. "Oh, well. I'm sure you'll get over it, Padawan."

"Thanks." Hmiol moped.

"Anything I like about this person: Occasionally I will stop and say hello to Garos. Occasionally I will get a grunt in response. I like it when I know I've made a major breakthrough. A week ago he actually grunted twice at me and I nearly died of shock. What he was saying I couldn't quite make out, but I think it might have been 'hello' and 'whatever'. Still, it felt like a major success to me! As such I've nominated myself for a communications award."

Flint growled.

"What's she saying?" Mace wondered.

"She wants to know who wrote these terrible things about her little tree mouse so she can sit on him/her!" Jemmiah explained.

"Anything I don't like about this person: Hmmm. I get the feeling there's more going on in that head of his than he likes to let on. It certainly doesn't show, but that makes him a very slippery customer. And he destroyed the cantina before I could finish my last drink, so he owes me a round at least. Cough up, Hmiol!"

Hmiol glared at nobody in particular.

"Helpful advice: He seems a dab hand at pyrotechnics. Perhaps this is a line he could pursue if the council kicks him out for being drunk and disorderly. Other possible careers might include a bar tender or a fire attendant�"

The laughter grew much to Hmiol's dismay.

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: He once took a party of cr�che children for a walk in the garden. When they came back they were ready for bed. Mr. Personality had sent them to sleep�that's a very rare talent. I suggest this boy should be given cr�che duty more frequently."

Hmiol dug his nails into his hands.

"Anything unhelpful or unkind: I believe some of the padawans wanted to enter Hmiol in the Coruscant National talent show: 'Search for a superstar'. He turned them down. That wasn't very kind. I know for a fact that his impression of inanimate objects is beyond comparison in the galaxy."

"Give us your hat stand, Garos!" Zac laughed.

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in an emergency: Yes. He can bore the enemy at 100 paces."

"I like that one." Jemmy poked Obi-Wan in the stomach.

"Sum up in under 100 words: Garos Hmiol is a blur. An illusive shadow. You can't pin him down and you probably wouldn't want to. He puts the 'not' in monotony, and the yawn in�well, yawn! I am rendered almost as speechless as he is by his outstanding dullness. He is without doubt the king of boring, and yet frustratingly enough there are a few tiny signs of life peeking through the carbonite fa�ade he likes to hide behind. One of these days he will say more than five words together. Then the temple will declare a national Hmiol day.

Heralded by massive firework displays and the ritual burning down of the temple."

The table erupted in gales of laughter.

Simeon sat down and leaned back in his chair with a triumphant smirk. Garos rounded forward in a dejected hunch as his Master gave him a reassuring pat on the back. Rela glanced over at Obi-Wan, "Hey Scrub Brush, looks like you've picked up a Corellian sand barnacle!" Kylenn had passed out again and was snoozing quietly on Obi-Wan's shoulder.

Kenobi looked over and grinned, "Yeah, the poor girl conked out right after we handed our flimsies over. She's O.K. where she is as long as she doesn't drool." As if on cue, a shiny ball of spittle formed on her lower lip and threatened to drop on Kenobi's tunic. His eyes widened in horror, "Uh, could somebody wake her up before-"

*drip*

"Ewwww!"

Smiling, Jay got up from his seat and moved around to where the sand barnacle and her now-regretful host were sitting. He pulled her up from Obi-Wan's shoulder and gave her a gentle nudge, "O.K. drooly, it's wakey-wakey time."

"Huh?" She looked around with her eyes half-focused, "I don't have anythhhhing in my pockets except-"

A number of the Jedi chuckled. Abran corrected, "we're not playing that game anymore. The sheets, remember?"

"And in your case," Mace added, "the table." He pointed to where Kylenn had scrawled off the flimsy. More chuckles.

"Can we hurry this up?" interjected Ambianca. Sal-Fina nodded in agreement. "Who's next?"

Not paying attention to the last bits of information, Kylenn felt around the pouch in her cloak. "Uh, just one question. Has anyone seen my navel ring?"

"Dex, it's your turn. Do you worst." Rela grinned.

The Corellian stood and banged the flimsy sheet against the table a couple of times for effect.

"And the winner is�Jemmiah!" He smiled sweetly. "Lucky girl. She gets me to narrate her personal attributes." "Get on with it, Dex." Sighed Qui-Gon. He was dreading what he might hear about her.

Dex's grin was reminiscent of a hungry cannoid.

"Annoying habits: She hasn't been seen topless sunbathing on her balcony for a while. I find that EXTREMELY annoying. It used to be the highlight of my day, and quite a few others I could mention."

Jemmy looked astonished.

"What is this, the great Jedi peep-show?" She chewed her lip. "I didn't realize I had an audience."

"What's this?" Qui-Gon was shocked.

"There's no harm in it." Jemmy said defensively. "I'm not ashamed of my body."

"I think we've already established that." Jay smirked.

"OK. Enough guys." Obi-Wan frowned.

Zac and Jodi just laughed.

"Anything I like about this person: I really like those short dresses with the low cut neckline that she wears. I especially like it when she bends over to pick something up. She thinks that the padawans (and some of the masters) are extremely clumsy: this isn't true. We just like to drop things on the floor to see if she'll pick it up and give us a bit of a show. Obi-Wan, you are a lucky little�" Dex squinted at the line. "I'm censoring that last word because it's incredibly rude and not for the ears of people over the age of forty."

Obi-Wan was clearly getting more and more possessive. He started to squirm agitatedly around in his seat.

"Do you need to go to the fresher again?" Jemmy whispered.

"Things I don't like about this person: Not enough topless bathing (see answer 1). She's extremely distracting to be in a packed turbo lift with. She doesn't bend over enough (see answer 2). Her nails are too long�"

"Eh?" Frowned Obi-Wan. "I don't get it?"

"I'm sure you will." Zac said sweetly. "In good time."

Jemmy shot him a look that turned him a very nasty shade of red

. "Helpful advice: Lots of sun cream. Tighter dresses. Or no dresses at all. A metal bikini would be nice, with those dangly bits of silk hanging down the front�excuse me whilst I take a drink to steady my nerves."

"I know who wrote this and they are in a lot of trouble," Jemmy snorted.

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: Yes. But I'm too much of a gentleman to say."

"What does that mean?" Obi-Wan looked suspiciously at her.

"I'd like to know as well," Qui-Gon remarked.

"So would we!" Simeon grinned.

"Shut up, Cates," Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan said together.

"Has this person ever done anything unfriendly or unkind: She wouldn't wear the nurses' uniform at the fancy dress party. I am devastated. It was really short as well. There goes another dream, I s'pose�"

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in a crisis: Yeah, if she got her nails cut. But frankly I'd sooner watch her back. Preferably in that metal bikini I was talking about."

"You are a very sick person and will shortly be extremely dead," Jemmiah warned.

"Sum up in under 100 words: Hmmm! Where do I begin? I know where I'd like to, he-he! Jemmiah is not only the prettiest girl in the temple but she has a brain on her as well. This is a great pity as this has stopped me from getting anywhere near her again since the fancy dress party. Oh, well. I just hope we see more of her round the temple, if you get my meaning! Overall I think that she is a cracking bit of stuff!"

Jemmiah took that in.

"I don't know whether to be flattered or annoyed," she said.

One look at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's faces told her they had clearly opted for the second choice.

"What did you go as in the fancy dress party?" Abran asked.

"I was the fairy princess. You sat on my wand, remember?"

"Oh, yes." He smiled.

"Sure as heck beats being the back end of a Nerf." An-Paj sighed.

Leona looked at him in horror. "You were the Nerf?" she asked.

"Yes."

"But didn't I�?" She bit off quickly.

An-Pal grinned. "So it was YOUR hand."

"What's this?" Mace wondered. "What hand?"

"I was well and truly goosed!" Laughed An-Paj. "I didn't have the faintest idea who by. Leona, eh?" He shook his head. Well, well�who'd have guessed?"

"It wasn't like that!" Leona insisted shamefaced. " I hadn't the faintest idea it was you in the suit."

"So," An-Paj took that in, "you just like molesting Nerfs in general, is that it?"

The crimson tone in the healer's cheeks continued to build. "Healer Territ had been winding me up all day about medical examinations and how thorough I was when it came to�the more technical aspects. He said all the padawans were terrified of me. So Ferdi dared me to give him a taste of his own medicine. She told me he was the back end of the Nerf costume. And so I sneaked up behind�"

"Are healers allowed to grope people?" Obi-Wan asked Simeon. "Is that ethical?"

"It's never stopped them before." Jemmy winked at Gethin.

"So what happened?" Krelo asked.

"I was feeling quite satisfied with my professional demonstration when all of a sudden I saw Gethin Territ walking towards me dressed as a Corellian Pirate! That's when I realized I'd just assaulted an innocent man."

"Less of the innocent, if you please." An-Paj grinned. "Anyhow, I wasn't in the least bit offended. In truth I rather enjoyed it�"

"Moving swiftly on." Rela stood up, moving her fruit cocktail to one side. "I'll read the next one. The individual I have in my hand is Simeon Cates."

"Wouldn't care to make that a permanent arrangement, would you?" He begged with his eyes.

"Don't break my heart, Frizzy." Rela glanced at him from over the sheet of flimsy.

"Frizzy? I think I could like that! At last, I have a nickname!" He beamed.

"You have plenty of nicknames. Just ones you normally wouldn't repeat in public." Obi-Wan said dryly.

"Any annoying habits: Well, first off I would like to say that nearly everything Simeon does is annoying. He's far too cheery for starters. He thinks that everyone likes him when in reality most people think he is just about the most annoying individual in the temple. His off-key singing sounds worse than someone getting their nails pulled out. He thinks he can drink like a fish, but he can't drink an ice cold citrus without falling on his back. Most of all he likes to talk just for the sake of hearing himself.

A lot.

Simeon: Please shut up!"

"OK," Cates grinned. "They're all fair points."

"What do I like about this person: Simeon makes me look very good in comparison. I like to hang around Simeon because it makes all the girls realize what a better deal they've got in me. He's also extremely generous with his money and is a soft touch for a sob story. Simeon, my best friend, you are a diamond. I love you very much, man�lend us 3000 credits?"

"Not on your life." Simeon sniffed.

"Anything I dislike about this person: I can't stand his name. It's a damned silly name anyhow. I mean, it's obviously s'posed to be SIMON but he just puts an 'E' in it to be pretentious. What kind of a name is SIM-EEEEEEEE-ON, huh? Sounds like a braying Nargot if you ask me.

Another thing: the toes. Funny the first time, mildly amusing the second and horrendously boring the three thousandth time. Quit flashing those digits, Cates."

"I've got other digits I can flash." Simeon growled. "Especially at equally stupid sounding individuals called Menali-Jay Abran."

"Helpful advice: Stop complaining about your non-existent love life. It's not our fault that nobody wants to be seen dead with you. In fact, the corpses in the mortuary are probably your best bet. And worse still, I bet you've already considered it!"

"I'll bet YOU have!" Simeon snapped at Jay. "At least with a corpse you wouldn't have to by them a drink!"

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: Sometimes he shuts up."

"Oh, charming." Cates snorted.

"Has this person ever done anything unhelpful or unkind: During an initiates field trip when we were younger he once told me there was a dead rat under my bed. Sure enough there was the most horrific smell from beneath the carpet. It turned out to be a pile of Kenobi's unlaundered socks that he had gathered on purpose to recreate the smell of putrefaction. The memory still lingers in the mind.

So does the smell�"

"Oh, thanks a lot." Obi-Wan grumbled. "I wondered where my socks disappeared to."

"They're probably still there. No way was I picking them up." Jay shook his head.

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in an emergency: Not after what I've just said about him, no.

"Too darn right." Simeon grumped. "It never pays to upset an assistant healer. Usually their masters are around in the background armed with a piece of sharp surgical equipment�"

"Finally," Rela smiled, "Sum up in under 100 words: Simeon is a kind and good-hearted boy. He's a bit of an ass but that's probably genetic. (At least he looks a bit like a donkey). Unfortunately he is also a healer and therefor a harbinger of pain and suffering. In this respect he is like any other healer: efficient, ruthless and thorough. That's why he's so universally disliked. He should go far in his chosen career.

Please make it soon�"

As the others laughed, Rela leaned close to Simeon and grinned.

"So Cates, which bit resembles a donkey?"

"That would be telling." He said with a flash of white teeth.

Lilith sniggered nastily and waved her flimsy. �My turn, boys and girls,� she purred.

Krelo leaned closer to try and peer over the taller woman�s shoulder, but the smuggler firmly elbowed her back into her original position.

�No peeking. After all, I�m about to read it out loud.�

The gesture came too late, though. The redhead had glimpsed enough to recognize the hand writing on the flimsy, even if she hadn�t caught the victim�s name. Krelo decided that it was inevitable. If An-Paj had filled out his own form, odds were good that some one would either get to read their own form or read the one they had filled out.

Demodae barely had to glance at the flimsy in order to read what was written there, though she made a great show of making sure she was reading it right. �The one I have in my hand is for . . . Sal-Fina.�

Krelo could only shake her head. The only way this one could have possibly been more vicious was if it had been Kryztan�s form Lilith had filled out.

�Annoying things:� Lilith began almost smugly. �Shall I make a list? Let�s start with that shrill, whining excuse for a voice. Shut up. Somewhere nearby there are canines in severe pain.�

�My voice-� Sal-Fina began to harp, but was interrupted.

�Quiet, I�m reading here,� Demodae raised her voice to drown out the other woman�s protests. �Then there�s your constant preening. While you aren�t ready to be sold to the Agri-Corp for use as a scarecrow, you certainly aren�t holomodel material. Get over yourself!�

Ambianca stuttered in shock while her master was turning an unbecoming shade of apoplectic purple. Lilith pressed on, undaunted, with an almost gleeful tone.

�Things I like: I�m sure there could be something to like about you, but I�m not drunk enough to think of any right now.�

Qui-Gon coughed violently, the result of laughing while swallowing alcohol, and Mace thumped him soundly on the back a few times to help him out.

�Things I don�t like: your hypocrisy, your overbloated ego, your pathetic attempts to make yourself look better at the expense of others-�

�You didn�t write that one, did you?� Mace asked Qui-Gon in a hushed whisper.

�Nope, but it sounds dead on. Must be one of the other masters.�

�- your affectations of stardom, your delusions of adequacy, and most of all, your continual besmirching of the title Jedi by all the aforementioned faults.�

If it were possible, smoke would have been pouring out of Sal-Fina�s ears. As it was, she was just about ready to leap up from her chair and draw her lightsabre to silence the obviously jealous tirade.

Lilith raised a bleached eyebrow at her. �Don�t blame me. I�m only the messenger.� She continued with her reading. �Kind things: I must admit that it was a kindness to many people when you took Ambianca as your student, preventing any other master from being saddled with such a sniveling, uppity, shallow, fluff-brained, lack-witted, spiteful wench.�

Both master and apprentice looked ready to turn Sith the moment they discovered who had written such things about them.

�Mean things:� Lilith continued ignoring the hostile looks being cast her way. This was a whole lot more fun than she had anticipated it being. �Just about every move you�ve made tonight has been a calculated attempt to humiliate, embarrass, or denigrate someone else.�

Lilith pretended to peer at the flimsy to check carefully what had been written there. �The last two have been combined. Advice and summation: Take a good look in the mirror, and not just to check if your anti-wrinkle cream is working. You have a personality that a Hutt would be envious of. If that doesn�t bother you, do us a favor and jump from the Temple roof. If it does, start fixing it and then go to work on your stupid git of an apprentice.�

Both Sal-Fina and Ambianca were gasping in outrage, but most everyone else was wiping laughter tears from their eyes. Many people had waited a long time to see someone tell those two just that, and if they ever found out who had done it, they were more than willing to buy that person a few rounds.

Leona waited for silence and then took her place. She wasn't exactly sure how this would go down.

But she was in no doubt of the author in question.

"The subject is Obi-Wan Kenobi." She said in a firm but pleasant voice.

That is the voice of doom if ever I heard it, thought Obi-Wan. The tone of someone who is delivering bad news�

"Don't look so nervous Ben." Jemmiah smiled at him. "I've already taken my turn and I know far more incriminating things about you than anyone else present."

"That does not reassure me." The padawan mumbled. "Go on then Leona. Let me have it. Tell me the worst. Will my ego need major surgery after you've finished with me?"

Leona shook her head in amusement. "Why don't we see? Habits: He bites his nails when he thinks nobody is looking. I used to think it was nerves of some description but then I discovered he just couldn't be bothered to cut his nails with the scissors from the manicure set. I don't believe he does this with his toes, which is not surprising. Obi-Wan's feet have been known on hot days to kill off the Force. We are writing papers on this phenomenon known as "Kenobi's Law."

"That is not fair!" Obi-Wan yelped.

"I think this could be an interesting case to study." An-Paj said with a chuckle. "It might be a medical problem. We can check him over whilst we're healing his wrists!"

"I'll be too busy slitting them." Kenobi moped. "Go on. What's next?"

"Anything you like about this person: His stumpy little ponytail at the back. I'm afraid it's very difficult to keep a straight face whenever he turns his head away. I remember when he first started to grow it. I laughed for weeks solid. Actually I'm still laughing now. "

"What's wrong with it?" Obi-Wan turned his head slightly to one side. "Master? Do you see anything wrong wit it?"

All he heard was a thin, rasping snicker from Qui-Gon.

"Thanks master. Remind me to stick up for you one day." Obi-Wan felt deflated.

"Anything I dislike: Has to be those socks. I hate to think what state his feet must be in. If anyone's not had the privilege of experiencing this at close quarters, let me explain. If you've ever left Nerf's cheese in the back of the refrigeration unit for over three weeks this is half way to what it's like to become aquatinted with padawan Kenobi's socks. He was given a sock basket to store them in prior to being washed but they rebelled in an effort to escape from the confines of the bin and were last seen heading for freedom towards a Spaceport on Korrassi."

"Hey, they've got you sussed, sweetheart!" Jemmy tickled him with her fingers.

"Helpful advice: Don't grow a beard."

"Why not?" Obi-Wan demanded. "Jemmy?"

"Because your last attempt was lamentable." She replied truthfully. "You looked like a hobo. When you fell asleep on that bench with your robe over you, people thought you were a down and out. They even started throwing credits at you so you could get a decent meal!"

Obi-Wan snorted. Trust her to remember that!

"Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: He shaved off the aforementioned beard thus saving me from laughing myself into an early reunion with the force."

"That's it. When I'm a knight I'm growing a beard," snapped Obi-Wan.

"In that case, when you're a knight you can find yourself a new girlfriend," Jemmy pointed out.

"Has this person ever done something unkind or unhelpful: he once fed laughing gas into the council chamber through the ventilation system. I've never seen a more successful council meeting. Unfortunately it wore off very quickly and all the council members were back to their usual miserable selves all too soon. Couldn't you have given them a little more, Obi-Wan?"

"So it was you, was it?" Mace actually smiled. "I never thought I'd see the day when one of your tricks would make me laugh. I still remember Yoda. He was tee-heeing for hours. I never thought we'd get him down from the ceiling�"

"Would you trust this person to watch your back in a dangerous situation: Implicitly. I just blackmail him with food, anyhow. The way to a padawan's heart is through his stomach."

"Or through a stomach pump!" Simeon chimed in.

Qui-Gon glared.

"Sum up this person in under 100 words: Obi-Wan is very dear to me, even when he raids the refrigerator at midnight for a bout of illicit snacking. Even when he breaks out in that rather disturbing looking rash. Even when he opens my wine and proceeds to get a ten-year-old girl hopelessly drunk. Even when his snoring reminds me of somebody felling a tree with a hand saw, or when he gets caught in a state of undress in a turbo lift. I am honored to be his master.

Not so, I lie!"

"Thanks, Master." Obi-Wan grimaced.

"Sorry, Padawan. Couldn't resist that one." Qui-Gon grinned.