A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


Obi-Wan looked back hesitantly. He could see Simeon waving at him and Jay nodding him onwards. He could see Jemmy with her head in her hands. Damn, she would be Sith angry with him� But all too soon he found himself right next to the two tall, well built women.

He cleared his throat. �Hhhmmm.�

As the two of them turned round, Obi-Wan very quickly craned his head upwards and gave the first one a swift kiss on the cheek. �I�d just like to say that I think you two are the�most�beautiful�� his voice trailed off.

*******

�Didn�t he KNOW?� Rela howled with laughter. �I thought everyone had heard of Bryn and Col.�

�Who?� Kylenn asked.

�Coruscant�s most famous cross-dressers.� Spider giggled. �They�re well known for it. They�re not exactly subtle.�

�Evidently someone hadn�t heard of them,� beamed Jemmiah. �Oh, poor Ben!�

Poor Ben crossed the road with an incredibly red face; eyes fixed straight ahead of him.

�What happened, Obi?� Simeon called out.

Obi-Wan clenched his teeth. �They gave me their home number.�

*******

The Freetrader had to be the strangest cantina that Qui-Gon had ever seen in his life. It gave every appearance of being situated on one level, but when you walked inside it dropped, and dropped� A glass floor enabled everybody on the floor above to have an excellent bird�s eye view of whatever was going on down below, which was the main reason that the Jedi master was so apprehensive about making a fool of himself in public. Sith knew what Jemmiah had planned this time�

�I just know I�m going to regret this.� He sighed, �but I think we should be told. Does this involve copious alcohol, partial nudity or kissing?�

�That�s all optional.� Jemmy replied, hoping to look a little less dead on her feet than she felt. �I�ve ordered this section to be cornered off for the next half hour or so.�

�Why?� Mace asked in suspicion.

�My assistant will explain.� Jemmiah pointed to the bar surface. �Zak, get the drinks in.�

�Sure thing, sweet lips.� He winked at her, much to Obi-Wan�s chagrin.

Qui-Gon looked about. �What assistant?� He frowned. �I can�t see anyone.�

�Gussie?� Jemmiah hollered. �Quit hiding girl, Master Jinn wants to see what you�ve got planned.�

A gentle growling from underneath the counter had Hmiol�s eyes nearly bug out on stalks. Oh, Sith!

The furry, grizzled head of a Wookiee raised itself up from behind the bar.

�It�s HER!� Garos squawked dryly. �It�s that blasted Wookiee!�

�It is NOT!� Jemmiah said indignantly. �It�s an entirely different blasted Wookiee. This is Gussie. Well, it�s not her real name, but even if you could pronounce it you�d take up half the evening doing so.�

�It looks like the same Wookiee.� Garos mumbled in shock.

�If you must know, Gussie and Flint are third cousins twice removed. That explains the close physical resemblance. Now quit moaning, Hmiol or I�ll set her on you.�

Garos moved several paces back rapidly as the extremely tall and hairy figure moved forwards and started to clear the area of chairs.

�OK. What�s going on?� Demanded Dexy.

�Don�t worry Dex, my boy,� Krelo pinched his cheek, �I�ll make sure you�re alright!�

�Yes, I don�t doubt that,� Berlingside grinned lazily, �but what about the contest?�

Krelo slapped him on the arm.

�We are having a little game.� Jemmy nodded as the Wookiee continued to strip all the chairs away.

�Of?� Kenobi prompted.

�Musical Men.� Jemmiah rubbed her hands together.

�Oh, gooooooody!� Lilith Demodae said in approval. �I bags Mace�s knee. I almost got that far the last time when he had his boxers round his ankles. Now I want to test the goods!�

Mace gulped.

�For those who don�t have the slightest idea what we are talking about,� Spider stepped forwards, �the rules are simple. EVERY GIRL FOR HERSELF!�

�Eh?� An-Paj looked a little worried.

�The guys are all in a circle. When the music stops, the girls have to throw themselves down onto a knee of their choice. Last couple to do so is out. And so on, until there�s a winner.�

�Me!� said Rela with an evil grin that Qui-Gon did not like the look of one little bit.

�In your dreams!� Spider replied happily. �I always do well when it comes to throwing myself at men.�

�There�s the current champion.� Jemmy muttered with a nod of the head at Sal-Fina.

Mace shook his head. �This is for cr�che babies.�

�This�ll make you feel right at home then,� Spider rubbed his shiny head as she walked over to Gussie. She handed the Wookiee a silver plated whistle. �Gussie is the adjudicator. If she says you�re out, you�re out.�

Qui-Gon stared up at the enormous, furry being. He didn�t think anyone would argue with her at all� �Do I have to do this?� he groaned.

�YES!� chorused Rela and Jemmiah in perfect unison.

Great, thought Qui-Gon. Double trouble.

With the glass floor empty and shining, some of the drunker padawans and a few of the knights began to get into a circle. Still, the masters hung back.

�If you don�t I�ll tell Master Yoda what you said about his singing!� Jemmy warned sternly.

�And I�ll tell him who set off those fire alarms�� Rela added.

Jinn snorted in annoyance and took his place on the floor. Reluctantly, Mace followed him. As they looked down through the reinforced glass, they could see the daunting sight of all the customers underneath staring right back at them.

Jemmy grinned as she looked down. �Hey Ben, this�ll give me the chance to show off my new underwear.�

Kenobi�s jaw dropped.

Gussie readied herself by the music system. She had the feeling that proceedings were soon going to get very much out of hand�

Qui-Gon liked to observe. He was on one knee. All the other males were on one knee. All the females were walking round and round and round them as if they were Corellian Sand Panthers stalking their prey. That Spider had an evil, competitive look about her. Didn�t look as if she would want to miss out on the chance for a laugh. Rela was just itching for the music to stop. He could tell. And as for Jemmiah, her head was carried in that low, eyes to the ground, stubborn Corellian pose that he knew so well from when she had been occasionally quarrelsome as a child. Leona seemed rather shaky. He thought perhaps that the alcohol was beginning to have an effect. Kylenn looked as if she had been putting off her appointment to bite the floor for some time. That was the strange thing about alcohol, thought Qui-Gon to himself as the legs swept past him, you never knew how it was going to affect�

�QUICK!� Screamed Meri as the music stopped, her quick reflexes not dulled by the alcohol she had consumed.

Qui-Gon braced himself for the inevitable impact as three different individuals fought for the honor of sitting in his lap. It occurred to him briefly that he should really be enjoying himself�

Rela won the first round by virtue of being faster and smaller than either Krelo or Vernice Ashdal.

�Hey Babyface. Looks like we�re still in the game.�

�More�s the pity.� He scanned the room to see Jemmiah sitting in Simeon�s lap, the latter having the most drunkenly happy expression on his face. Spider had welded herself to Mace.

�I WISH YOU�D GET OFF,� Mace growled.

�If you don�t want to see me then fine!� Spider reached up and pulled the makeshift headband over his eyes.

�I�m half way to heaven,� sighed Simeon.

�You�re half way to getting a punch in the mouth.� Obi-Wan grimaced under Dimallie�s weight. �Mind my hands, please.�

Lilith�s face showed she was more than happy to be sitting on Dexy�s knee, but the unpopular Junine had run out of time, and laps to sit on.

�OUT! OUT! OUT!� Chanted Rela and Meri together as the abashed looking padawan went over to sit not too far away from Kryztan Harkley. As Dimallie stood up, her foot gave Obi-Wan a kick he wouldn�t forget in a hurry. The sort that no amount of torture or Jedi training could prepare you for.

�SIIIIIIIIIIIITH!� he screamed.

Qui-Gon winced. He�d felt the resulting agony through their bond.

�Have you broken anything?� Leona asked in concern.

�Not that I�m prepared to admit to,� squeaked Kenobi.

�Does it hurt?� Simeon asked.

Obi-Wan stared at him. �Remember that crab on Florizan?� he hissed.

�Yes,� Simeon nodded, �I remember. You all laughed like a drain.�

�Any swelling?� Leona asked.

�I swear I�m going to swing for someone.� He gritted his teeth against the pain.

Jemmiah frowned. �Try eating something. Take your mind of it.�

�Like what?� Kenobi said sourly.

�Wait��Jemmiah turned to Spider, �You�ve got some candy haven�t you?�

Spider nodded and delved into her jacket pocket, bringing out a little bag. She walked over to the stricken padawan. �Cheer up Kenobi,� she said gleefully, �have an Aniseed Ball.�

*******

Spider looked down at the floor and saw that a sizeable crowd had now gathered and were staring right back at her through the glass. Regular customers, bar staff, drunken patrons and one or two people armed with holocams had converged under the see-through floor, gawking at the amazing spectacle taking place above their heads. She exchanged a meaningful glance with first Rela and then Jemmiah.

Jemmy grinned. "Hey, guys. How about we make this into a night to almost remember?"

"I'm with you." Rela's eyes sparkled with glee.

"What do we do?" Spider frowned.

Jemmy spared poor Obi-Wan a brief, sympathetic glance as he sucked on an aniseed ball. The bag lay on a table not far from the beleaguered padawan. Having retired injured he had very little else to do other than watch the antics from the sidelines along with the sour faced Junine. Further back, almost in shadow, was the ostracized Kryztan Harkley. Jemmiah couldn't help wonder what lies he'd told his master this time to cover his additional facial injuries�

"Are you three playing or not?" Jay Abran called impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah. Be right with you," Rela muttered.

Jemmiah hurried over to Obi-Wan's table and snatched the bag away from him. "Sorry, Ben. We need 'em more than you do."

"Oh, great." Obi-Wan moped. "You've taken away my only available pleasure."

"Just have to use your imagination, won't you?" Jemmiah winked as she scampered back to the group.

Obi-Wan sighed. "I've been doing that for the last few weeks."

Rela and Spider stood beside her. "What's going on Jemmy?" Spider persisted.

"You see those people down there?"

"Uh-huh?"

"How do you fancy being on the local news grids?"

"Eh?" Rela blinked. "You've lost me."

Jemmiah pointed. "Press reporters." She whispered at her partners in crime.

"You are JOKING!"

"Let's give them something to capture for all posterity, what do you think?"

"Yes, but how?" Spider persisted.

Delving into the bag of round, hard aniseed balls Jemmiah pulled out a handful and divided them between all three. "When the music stops�"

"Oh, brilliant!" Rela was impressed.

"Do you sit at home with a list of nasty tricks to play on everyone?" Spider smiled.

Flint started the music. "Get ready." Jemmy said with a sideways curl of the lips.

Obi-Wan sat with a wary expression on his face. Jemmy was up to something, that much was clear. He'd known her for too many years to not recognize the signs of mischief in the offing. The smile would grow more lopsided, the eyes would become even brighter and her body movements screamed of barely contained excitement. If only some of that excitement were aimed at him. Although in his current state he doubted very much he could cope with it�

The females all walked swiftly in a circle round the men. Well, staggered in some cases, Obi-Wan thought with a half smile. Qui-Gon looked as if he'd given in and decided to enjoy himself at long last. Mace appeared to have temporarily forgotten about his newly acquired tattoo. Leona sighed far too loudly as she help up his master's robe so that it wouldn't trail along the ground.

He saw the subtle smile shared by Rela and Spider. Oh yes, something was afoot.

Suddenly the music cut out.

As undignified panic ensued, Krelo and Lilith fighting each other off from Qui-Gon's knee and Meri throwing herself down so hard in An-Paj's lap that he thought he could her the "Urmph!" of exhaled air from where he sat.

"Get your hands off him, Kre! He's mine!� Lilith crowed.

"That's what you think!" Krelo gritted her teeth in friendly competition.

"Be careful with him, he's old!" Obi-Wan shouted out.

"Not too old to put you over my knee for that cheek, Padawan!" called Qui-Gon sternly.

"Yeah, but ME FIRST!" Lilith screamed as she pushed Krelo aside and sprawled across Jinn's knee.

"That's not fair!" Krelo pushed back.

Jemmy laughed breathlessly and signaled the other two. Obi-Wan watched as several aniseed balls rolled across the floor in different directions, catching the unwary off guard and off balance.

"Sith!" Screamed Vernice as she toppled over taking out Sal-Fina and Leona together. Leona went over as if she were a skittle, knocking Qui-Gon off his kneeling stance and onto the floor and spilling both Krelo and Lilith over him. Kylenn was making an unsteady but determined grab for Simeon and fighting Ambianca off with a tug on her padawan braid.

"Hey, Obi! You don't know what you're missing!" Simeon grinned with a thumbs up sign as the two girls battled to sit on his knee.

Jemmiah shrugged mentally and launched herself into the fray. She spotted Zac V'Aladee and took a flying leap, her heel catching on one of the sweets as it rolled towards the young padawan and spectacularly flailed about with her arms to keep upright. Unfortunately, gravity won out.

Obi-Wan watched in horror as she gave a half laugh/squeal and fell back, legs flying upwards in the most undignified manner.

"This is even better!" Simeon called, delighted with his close to the action view of things.

Obi-Wan stood up to help but changed his mind. No way was he walking through that minefield of aniseed balls. With his record it would almost certainly lead to treble fractures of every breakable bone in his body. Instead, he viewed the proceedings with horrified fascination as above the plasti glass surface a swarm of sprawling bodies writhed and gyrated like eels stranded by the waves, whilst below he saw what appeared to be the best part of fifty beings of every race imaginable armed with holocams.

Sith! Yoda would go loopy!

In his mind he could already see tomorrows headlines: JEDI CANTINA ORGY!

Looking across, he could see an enraged Sal-Fina arguing with an enfeebled Leona and Lilith still draped possessively across Qui-Gon's body. Dex Berlingside had Depa Billaba face down on his lap! How bad did that look?!?!

Jemmiah was lying on her back, somewhat stunned and helpless with laughter. An-Paj was trying to keep a straight face and not succeeding very well. Jay Abran and the large Togorian Tanni Welasa were also victims of the aniseed attack. Rela was clinging for dear life round Jodi's neck.

Mace had Spider on his knee.

"Not you AGAIN!" he sighed.

"But you're my fave person." Spider smiled. "I like a guy with a shiny head. It saves me using a mirror to put on my lip gloss!"

Dex had managed to extricate Depa from his person and they carefully picked their way across the floor. "What is this? Past, present and future? Qui-Gon Jinn groupie reunion meeting?" He smirked. "All we need is Evla Sovalla and we might have a full house!"

"Very amusing." Qui-Gon snapped as Lilith rolled off him.

"Hey, Jinn. That was kinda fun. If you ever want to do that again just give me a call." Demodae winked at him.

An-Paj sat with a creased brow. "I want to know one thing," he said to Leona.

"What's that?"

"Why is Jemmiah wearing your underwear?" he asked.

Leona gulped nervously and Obi-Wan squirmed with embarrassment.

"Hey," Simeon grinned lazily; "whoever's wearing it, the view's spectacular!"

"That's it! Enough is enough!" Mace called out, standing up and dropping Spider unceremoniously onto the floor. "Let's stand up, drink up and get out!"

"Has anyone got anything for a hernia?" groaned Jodi.

"What's a hernia?" Vernice frowned. "Isn't it some kind of Corellian drink?"

"You tell me, I'll mix it." Rela laughed.

Jemmiah lay on her back, still laughing. "Ohhhh! That was a good one. And why has An-Paj been looking at Leona's undies anyway?" she smirked.

"N-now I didn't mean anything�" An-Paj looked a little worried.

"Is that how the healers get their thrills?"

"I�I didn't, that is to say, I wouldn't�I mean, Leona showed me�"

There was a series of wolf whistles.

"It's always the quiet ones you have to watch, eh Qui-Gon?" Lilith nudged Jinn in the ribs.

"I wouldn't know. I always seem to end up with people who could talk the back legs off a Bantha." Qui-Gon looked distastefully at Sal-Fina.

"They're not mine." Leona slurred, "they're Simeon's."

The jeering got louder.

"Why is Jemmy wearing Simeon's knickers?" frowned Spider.

"Eh?" Kylenn asked.

"Why does Simeon wear them in the first place?" Bai added.

"They're not mine�they're Obi's," Simeon said defensively.

"I'm confused�" Kylenn sighed.

Rela frowned. "Simeon's wearing Obi's undies?"

"Look, you do not want to go there," Abran smirked.

"You're right, I don't!" Rela agreed.

"Whose are they?" Kylenn asked in bafflement before she passed out.

"Look, they're mine OK?" Jemmy tried to sit up. "Property of Jemmiah. Give us a hand, would you Simmy?"

"Where do you want it?" Cates laughed.

"They really suit you, Jemmiah." grinned Zak as he squinted at her. "But for the sake of your boyfriend, maybe you should pull your dress down a bit."

Jemmy turned her head and saw Obi-Wan preparing to chance a clear path through the aniseed balls and tugged at the hem of her dress. "How come everyone else gets to look at them and I don't?" he mumbled to himself.

"Oh, first casualty of the evening." Lilith pointed to a gently snoring Kylenn who was lying face down on the floor.

"I'll carry her," Dex volunteered gallantly.

In the corner there came another muffled scream. Garos Hmiol unexpectedly found himself entangled with yet another Wookiee.

"GET OFFFFFFF!" he yelped.

"She says Flint warned her you were on your way over and she wanted to see if you were as cute as she said you were."

"What is it with Hmiol and Wookiees?" Qui-Gon said in disgust. "There's a time and a place for everything." He looked down at all the holocams pointing right back up at him. "This is neither. I suggest we beat a hasty retreat."

"I agree with Cuddly Tickle Lips." Jemmy tittered.

Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. "What was that?"

"I said, Cuddly Tickle Lips. It's your name for the evening."

"And how do you work that out?" Qui-Gon crossed his arms as Simeon pulled her, not altogether steadily, to her feet.

"You each get a word representing the initials in your name. Your first name begins with Q�"

"You were paying attention at school, I'm impressed!" Spider laughed.

"And that word is Cuddly. The next letter is J for Jinn, and that letter is Tickle. And the Jinn ends in N, and that's�"

"Lips?" Qui-Gon shook his head.

"I think he's caught on," Rela whispered to Obi-Wan.

"So, what's Obi-Wan?" asked Simeon.

"Hmmm�Hot love Stud, I think."

"Yes, well. Enough about my attributes, what is my name?" grinned Obi-Wan.

"And what about me?" Dex Berlingside inquired.

"Flirty Fluffy Pants!" Jemmiah smirked. That got another burst of laughter from the others.

"What about me?" Mace wondered.

"Passionate Twinkle Bottom." Jemmy supplied, her grin growing as she searched for the list of initials. Thank the gods it hadn't been in her bag� "Here we go," she said.

As the others gathered round there were more than a few cries of dissatisfaction.

"How come I'm Hairy Swamp Monster?" An-Paj complained.

"Sweaty Bantha Legs?" Simeon looked a little disgruntled.

"Hairy Moist Cleavage!" screamed Ambianca.

"Curvy Poodoo Pants! The cheek!" Lilith frowned.

Sal-Fina was fuming. "How come she," the Jedi pointed at Jemmy, "gets to be Ravishing Angel Lips, and I get to be Sweaty Sour Muffin?!?!"

"Somebody knows you too well." Qui-Gon tried to keep from laughing.

They made their way up to the next floor and then towards the doorway. Kylenn was swinging drunkenly over Dex's broad shoulder, groaning a little with every step. All the while the holocams followed them.

"Somebody tell Hmiol to stop fumbling with that Wookiee." Qui-Gon said, keeping his eyes firmly on the door ahead. As Dex made it to the exit, Kylenn woke up to see a holocam being pointed in her face. "I'm jussssst here forrr the ride," she managed. "But between you and me, don't ask whose knickers they were. I just don't have a clue�"

"Let's see this list of yours!" Lilith frowned as they walked down the street.

A. Hairy B. Saucy C. Crazy D. Flirty
E. Cheeky F. Silly G. Greasy H. Itchy
I. Dirty J. Ravishing K. Naughty L. Curvy
M. Passionate N. Devilish O. Hot P. Thick
Q. Cuddly R. Heavenly S. Sweaty T. Cute
U. Sinful V. Sexy W. Loveable X. Bouncy
Y. Tender Z. Smelly
Second Name (First initial of your surname):

A. Chuckle B. Fluffy C. Bantha D. Poodoo
E. Sith F. Sour G. Angel H. Puddle
I . Nerf J. Tickle K. Love L. Stinky
M. Moist N. Giggle O. Saber P. Swamp
Q. Sweet R. Fresher S. Perfect T. Sewer
U. Rancid V. Feather w. Twinkle X. Buttock
Y. Flower Z. Blue
Third Name (Last initial of your surname):

A. Knickers B. Crawler C. Tiger D. Heap
E. Pants F. God G. Slave H. Dumpling
I. Stud J. Monster K. Cleavage L. Breath
M. Feet N. Lips O. Brain P. Weed
Q. Toad R. Muffin S. Legs T. Belch
U. Bottom V. Packet W. Eyes X. Head
Y. Kitten Z. Rat.

Lilith snatched the list from Jemmiah's hands and perused it. "Hmm, well, Curvy Poodoo Pants -is- better than Sweaty Sewer Stud, anyway." She handed the List back to her fellow Corellian with a grin. "Makes me rather glad I changed my name."

Rela looked at Jemmiah's list. "Heavenly Sweet Lips, huh?" she giggled. "Anyone care to try them out?"

"I can hardly walk," muttered Vernice. "My feet are killing me."

"But we've got loads of cantinas left." Rela said cheerily, aware that she was doing by far the best due to her no alcohol policy. "Loads and loads and�"

"OK. I got the message." Shuddered Vernice. "You are telling us that there are not a few drinking establishments left to visit, and collectively we are all going to end up dead in the gutter before we finish our crawl. Or before Yoda sees the state we are in."

"We shall all be pleading for death by then, I'm afraid." Qui-Gon replied, but with a strangely contented look on his recently shorn face. Jemmy noticed it and frowned.

"Why are you so happy?" she asked.

"Because we are ALL in a lot of trouble. Nothing that happens now can possibly get any worse, so I am determined to enjoy the last eight cantinas before the little hobgoblin decides to flay us all to within an inch of our lives."

"Hobgoblin?" Jemmiah bit her lip in mirth.

"Yes. You know, Yoda? The troll? Poison Ivy?"

"Explain that one, would you master?" Obi-Wan asked.

Qui-Gon smirked, an unusual expression for him. "It started when he invited Dex, Mace and Liza Pashaz to dinner back when we were all padawans. He cooked one of his famous recipes. Sith knows what it was, I couldn't begin to guess. It was sort of grey with lumps of something. Anyway, we were all quite unwell for about a day or so afterwards. So we called him Poison Ivy, because he tried to gastronomically induce our demise and Ivy because he's green and creeps about the place."

"Makes you wonder what OUR padawans call us, don't you think?" Berlingside paused to shift the weight of the dangling Kylenn across his back.

Obi-Wan made a noise from his throat that sounded like dry laughter.

"What?" Qui-Gon asked dubiously.

"Oh, nothing master. Don't you worry. It sure as hell beats being called Snugglebuns."

"Or Pickle Lips!" Meri laughed.

"Nevermind Pickle Lips," Jemmy grinned as she waved her list about, "We've got our very own Cuddly Tickle Lips!"

"I don't know where you come up with all this stuff, really." Jinn shook his head.

Jemmy stared ahead. The line of Jedi was looking more and unsteady as collectively they zigzagged all over the walkway. The next port of call was where she would strike her killer blow, and effectively finish off any of the masters who could still remember their real names.

"Oh, I would like to be a fly on the wall when Yoda catches up with Passionate Twinkle Bottom. He'll never want to show his face again, especially after what Greasy Swamp Pants did to him. And poor Flirty Fluffy Pants having to carry Naughty Nerf Stud like that."

Rela agreed. "Greasy Fresher Muffin's just been goosed by Curvy Poodoo Pants and Naughty Fresher Dumpling. Again."

"By the look on his face he probably enjoyed it!" Jemmy agreed. "Ravishing Moist Muffin and Smelly Feather Pants are up to no good."

"He's probably composing an ode to the cantina crawl," Qui-Gon said gruffly.

"Look! Curvy Swamp Knickers is tripping over the hem of your robe!" Jemmy pointed. "When she's drunk she's almost as clumsy as Flirty Moist Knickers!"

"Greasy Sewer Belch and Hairy Swamp Monster are having some sort of professional conversation." Meri observed. "Probably discussing Ravishing Angel Lips' underwear."

"Oh, and Sweaty Bantha Legs looks as if he's about to�yes, he's up-chucked again. Just missed Silly Fluffy Brain and Greasy Puddle Breath."

"Enough!" Qui-Gon said, trying to follow the conversation and failing miserably. "Or else expect to find The Swamp Monster tending your over heated brains in Hot Love Stud ward."

Qui-Gon viewed the scene. He knew he was not as sober as he should be, because his brain was beginning to fog just a little bit, but he was nowhere near as bad as some of the others. Vernice, who had a complex about her largish behind anyhow, was walking along like a duck. Leona was tripping about and Jinn wondered whether the master was keeping the apprentice steady or whether it was the other way about. Either way, he didn't reckon much to the chances of his getting his robe back without some kind of mishap�

"Where are we heading?" Qui-Gon asked.

"The Coruscant Jewel," Jemmy replied. "It's kind of old fashioned. "She shot him a sly look. "You should like it."

*******

"OK. Explain," said an utterly relaxed Qui-Gon.

They all crowded round the little table in the alcove, waiting to hear what cunning plan Jemmiah had to throw at them next. It was bound to be bad, whatever it was. "Another drinking game." Jemmiah looked towards the bar. "Dizzy? You there?"

Hmiol began to panic before he even heard the familiar growl of yet another Wookiee making it's way from behind the bar. "Don't tell me, it's the long lost cousin of the first one," he gulped. "You're being silly now." Jemmy sighed. "That's Flint's fianc�e."

"I hope he doesn't know you were making moves on his intended," Simeon added.

Hmiol barely stopped himself from running into the fresher again

. The massive Wookiee brought over several glasses and began to pour small fingers of some reddish brown alcoholic substance. He eyed Qui-Gon with some amusement, which made the master wonder if he and Jemmiah hadn't arranged between them to have him stitched up.

No. He was being paranoid. Wasn't he?

"This will test your Jedi recall and your hand/eye co-ordination." Jemmy looked at Qui-Gon, "but maybe you're not in a fit enough state to do this."

"Of course I am." Jinn took the bait. "There's hardly anything wrong with me."

Jemmiah considered. This would be sooooooooooo easy!

"Fine, if you're sure." She pushed out one of the glasses towards him. "Best Corellian whisky. What you have to do is toast the success of Chancellor Valorum."

"And?" Qui-Gon paused.

"You have to say, "Here's to the success of Valorum. May he be honest and wise and cover his lies!"

"I'm not saying that!" Jinn said pointedly. "The chancellor is a friend�"

He was greeted by yawns and boos.

"Get on with it, name dropper," Mace hissed.

"Very well," Jinn gave in, "is there anything else?"

"Oh, yes. You then have to tap the glass down three times, stand up, sit down, stamp your right foot once, tap two fingers on the table with your left hand, stamp your left foot once, tap two fingers on the table with your right hand, stand up again, put your right hand over your heart and say "Valorum! Gods bless him!"

Qui-Gon considered. "It doesn't sound too difficult."

"Ah, well." Jemmiah's face lit up, "If you get it right first time you get to knock back the whisky and that's you out of the game. But if you should get the order or the words WRONG�"

"What?" Jinn swallowed.

"You have to drink the whisky in one go and refill the glass and have another turn until you either get it right or collapse under the table."

"Oh."

"Does that sound simple enough?" Jemmy asked.

"I'm not sure�"

"Go on Qui," Dex smiled, "what harm can it do?"

Qui-Gon looked sideways at Jemmiah and decided the answer was probably quite a lot of harm indeed�

Lilith's eyes widened briefly as Jemmiah described the rules of the game. She did not want to be left out of the fun for a trip to the nearest medcenter to get her liver flushed. She and Krelo were a lot more sober than any of the masters, mostly because they hadn't been given doubles at every stop along the way, but also because Krelo and Lilith were cheating. And had been, right from the beginning.

"Kre, we're gonna get trashed by this one if we aren't dead sober to begin with," she whispered in Rei'ch's ear.

"Yeah, I figured that one out on my own. I'm almost done with myself. I'll do you in a second."

Lilith watched as Krelo sunk back into her slight trance, flushing the alcohol from her own system so that she could repeat the process for her friend. They'd stopped between every cantina and done this exact thing to sharpen their senses and make the night last longer. This last time, they had been having too much fun giggling over the silly names they'd been granted from Jemmiah. With so many of the masters so far gone, they weren't the least worried about getting caught at this late date.

Krelo unobtrusively laid her hand on Lilith's shoulder. The only way she knew something was actually happening was the fact that the little fuzzy halos around everyone began to fade, then disappeared entirely. She couldn't actually feel the Force moving through her body and hastening the natural filtering process. The end result was that she was sober, but she was also in dire need of a refresher.

Together they stood. "Hold on, I don't want to miss this," Lilith slurred slightly for effect. "Kre and I need to go see a man about a dewback."

They were back shortly and the game commenced, though Lilith noticed Rela watching them a bit more closely. Rats! Forgot the tipsy walk on the way back! When she was seated, she threw a wink Rela's way and settled into to watch the fun and hope that the girl wouldn't say anything to any one.

*******

Qui-Gon squinted at the glass. It seemed to shudder and blur out of focus every now and again, as if it had a life of its own. Well, OK. The game had proved to be a little more difficult than he'd first anticipated, but so what? He was coping quite well.

"Iamcopingverywell," he mumbled as his eyes crossed in the middle and then back again.

"Sure you are, Master Jinn," Jemmiah said with an encouraging nod, all the time not taking her gaze from him.

Sith, the man was in a bad way and no mistake!

"Just maybe next time you should try and concentrate on getting the words and actions a bit more correct than they have been up until now."

"Were�were they not correct?" Qui-Gon tilted his head to one side in confusion.

"No, if they had been we'd�oh, nevermind." Jemmy shrugged. "Rela? Want to show him one last time?"

"Sure. Look Babyface, it's like this." She stood up. "You say�"

"I know, I know." Qui-Gon frowned, waving away the assistance. "Don't help me."

"Well, if you know it all how come your are sitting here getting as pissed as a newt?"

"I am not as nissed as a pewt," Qui-Gon insisted. "And there'ssssss no need to be vulgar. I know exactly what to ssssssay."

He shifted in his seat. "Here'sss to the successssss of Va�Valorum. May he be honesssst and wissseand, er�?" Jinn stopped as he tried to recall the correct words. "something about fries, wasn't it?"

"Oh-oh-oh!" Rela tutted. "Guess what."

"Wrong?" Jinn pleaded against the decision with rounded eyes.

"'Fraid so." Rela scrunched up her nose as she watched a monster sigh rack the frame of the usually sober and straight-laced Jedi Master.

"Doesssss this mean I have to�to�?" He pointed an unsteady hand at the glass of whisky.

"Yup." Jemmy smiled. "Drink it down, Master Jinn."

"Must I?" He turned the hurt expression on Jemmiah.

"Sorry." She clapped him on the shoulder. "Rules are rules. I would love to make an exception for you Master Jinn, but I'm afraid�"

"No." Qui-Gon shook his head. "If the rulessss ssssay I have to drink thissss then I have to�have to drink it. Thanksss, though." He turned to Rela. "I really like thissss one. She can be ssssuch a �sssssuch a�pain in the rear but she'ssss my little girl."

Jemmiah looked shocked. "UGH!" she said. "Get him to drink that before he says anything else that might embarrass me in front of everyone!"

"It'ssss true." He nodded so hard that Rela expected his head to fall off his shoulders onto the tabletop. "I just can't believe how much she'sss grown up. Where�" He frowned at Rela, "Where did all the time go to, hmmm?"

"Who knows, Qui-Gon, who knows." Rela chuckled as she made little circular movements by the side of her head.

"You know, if I was only twenty yearssss younger�" He smiled glassily.

"Master!" Obi-Wan scolded.

"Oh, dear. I've offended the other half." Qui-Gon eyed his padawan. He leaned in so that Rela could hear what he had to say. "Between you and me, I'd say he'sssss a trifle intoxi�intox�drunk."

"Huh!" Kenobi would have pointed at him if his arms were unbandaged. "That's rich, Master."

"They got married you know?" Jinn laughed. "Evie will kill 'em when she findsss out."

"We're not really married," Obi-Wan insisted. "Not properly."

"I still want a divorce." Jemmiah sniffed. "He says when he becomes a knight, the first thing he's going to do is grow a beard so he can be just like you. Well, I'm not kissing anything that resembles a man with a Vrelt stuck to his face."

"She really does love me." Obi-Wan assured Rela.

Jemmy eyed the long fingers playing with the glass.

"Stop stalling, Master Jinn. Drink it all down and have another go."

Qui-Gon took his courage, and his life, in his hands and drained the glass. "That wasssSith horrible!" He coughed. "Godssssthat'ssssssstrong! Whatcha got in here? Double'ssss or sssomethin'?"

Jemmy raised an eyebrow.

"Have another go, Qui-Gon." Rela smiled.

"Oh, basssssaladssss!" he swore.

"Hey," Jemmy frowned, "that's my favorite swear word. Find another one!"

"Maybe you're a bad influ�in�anfluence." Jinn propped his head in his hands. "I could sssswear you're trying to get me - Hic - drunk." He tapped his nose in a knowing fashion. "I know that little game, young lady. I usssed to play it on Yoda whenever I wanted to jump on my girlfriend."

"M-master!" Obi-Wan looked shocked. "I wouldn't�I mean I�"

"You are a rotten liar, young padawan," Jinn hiccuped.

"Did your little trick work on Yoda?" Jemmy asked.

Qui-Gon tittered. "Yeah. Why do you think I'msssso fond of Alderaani Rum?"

He looked round the bar. "There'sssssome here I wishhh I hadn't bothered trying it for. I mean, take Sssssal-Fina." He appraised her casually. "I have to sssssay that at the moment she looksss quite good. For a perssson of her extreme age. A bit wrinkly, perhapsss. Not asssssyoungasssssshewas. Ssssomewhat passsst her prime. But sssstill pretty attractive." Jinn leered. "But with thisss drink an' thisss light, even a Hutt would look pretty attractive."

Jemmiah howled with laughter.

"An' I'll tell you sssomething elsssse, shall I?" He beckoned Jemmiah forwards.

"What?" she wondered.

"That Healer Leona'ssss a bit of alright, don't you think?"

Jemmy's eyes gleamed. Success! "You'd better snap her up before someone else does, hadn't you?" She whispered confidentially.

"Oh?" He stood up.

"Not now!" She tugged at his sleeve. "Later. Buy her a drink or something."

"Yeah. A drink," Qui-Gon agreed.

Rela and Jemmiah's eyes followed the line of Jedi along the table who were trying to recite their little Valorum speech. Cries of "Wrong!" were coming thick and fast.

"I think Lilith and Krelo have been cheating." Whispered Rela.

"Is that right?" Jemmy smirked. "I'll bear that in mind for later."

She looked down to see Qui-Gon struggling to keep his head from the tabletop. "Wake up, Master Jinn. We're not finished with you yet!"

Qui-Gon muttered something into his arms. "What was that?" Rela frowned.

"I dunno." Jemmy paused. "But it sounded like it had something to do with surgical stockings!"

"Is�is my tongue still there?" Dex asked with a huge and silly grin plastered across his face. "I can't feel it."

Krelo's eyes lit up. "Why don't we find out, huh?" She grabbed the Corellian's head in both hands and promptly pulled him towards her with a strength that surprised him, even inspite of his inebriation. Lilith watched as Krelo worked hard to discover just how far to the limit he was drink-wise. It became apparent early on that his tongue was working on autopilot, and that the little grey cells were waving a white flag of surrender.

"Yup, the tongue still works, Dex. But I reckon that's probably about all."

"Huh?"

"It doesn't matter." She grinned.

Obi-Wan pouted. He felt he wasn't getting all the attention that he required. After all, his planned night of passion had been curtailed in the cruellest of ways. Even when a male spider was fending off the amorous attentions of its mate it still had the use of its arms!

He sighed, and then realized that wasn't going to be enough so he upped it to a small groan.

"What's wrong, Ben?" Jemmy frowned, trying to keep an eye on an extremely smashed Qui-Gon.

"Hands hurt." He mumbled, trying to look sad and pathetic.

"Yeah?" She walked over and sat down beside him. "Poor baby. C'mere." She hugged his head hard against her chest.

If she could have seen the smug and contented expression on the padawan's face she might not have been in such a rush to offer succor, thought Captain Demodae.

"Here's a toast to Valurrrrrum." Mace snickered, standing up. " May he�may he�oh�no, that's not it�er, may he be honest and�and wise and�er, cover his, um�flies!"

"Have another drink, Mace!" Spider poured another finger of whisky.

"Well, what's wrong with that? Doesn't the guy have flies?" Windu took the glass hesitantly.

"I'll tell you what. Jemmy and I will make it our lifetime mission to find out." Spider grinned as the dark skinned master screwed up his eyes as the alcohol hit his throat.

"You do that." Mace nodded in earnest.

Rela watched as Qui-Gon stood unsteadily.

"I give you�.Valorum! May the missssssserable vrelt roassst in hell for all eternity for what he'sssss jussst done to me!" Jinn declared happily as he swayed from side to side.

I am so glad this is going on holocam, Rela thought! "That's wrong Qui-Gon, as you well know." Rela slid another glass over.

"Who givesssss a tossssssssss?"

"Pardon?!" Rela exclaimed.

"Weeeeeeell. If that'ssss not what it issss that'ssss what it should be. 'An you can tell 'im I ssssaid ssssso."

"I wish I had his money," Windu sighed.

"I wish I had his wife!" Dex smiled.

"She's dead, isn't she?" Griff joined in, lolling about listlessly on one elbow.

"Wouldn't bother him!" Qui-Gon nodded at Berlingside.

"Wouldn't bother Valorum either, from what I've heard." Griff snorted. "I can't see the attraction. I've heard he like's 'em young. Makes him feel he's doing all right for himself. But they're not. They're just after his wad."

"His what?" Mace frowned.

"Money."

"Oh." Mace looked blank.

Qui-Gon bit back his revulsion and swallowed his ninth glass. "Here's to Valorummm - Hic- and his teenage nymphets. I am so very jealous, you rotten swine." Qui-Gon smiled.

Obi-Wan's grin grew even bigger with every passing moment as Jemmy stroked his spiky hair in a soothing manner. He was quite impressed with the view as well�

"You OK down there?" Simeon asked in a bewildered tone.

"I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine." Kenobi's sigh was muffled.

"It's just I wouldn't want you to get lost in there or something."

"I don't care," he sighed.

"If you do, can I be in the advanced search and rescue party?" Cates asked.

"Simeon?"

"What?"

"Go away."

"Right, OK." Simeon lurched away to annoy Meri.

"Don't get too comfortable." Jemmiah warned him. "We'll be going to the next cantina soon."

"But I like it here." He said rapturously. "It's a sight I'm hoping to get used to over the next few weeks."

Leona wandered over. "Can he breathe in there?"

"So what if I can't, I'll die happy." Obi-Wan grinned.

Qui-Gon was making a last desperate attempt to get the whole thing right. Why couldn't he use the force to help him remember? What was wrong with him? He cleared his throat.

"Here's a toast to Senator Marrot,
Whose person was shaped like a�"

"QUI-GON!" Rela cut in. "DON'T!"

"Why?" he huffed.

"Just�don't." she insisted.

Jinn pouted like a small child. "Valorummm�here's a toast�to..er�look, jussssst give me the damned bottle!" He snatched the whisky away and drained the lot within a minute. "There, you ssssssee?" He giggled. "Nothing to it. Jusssst like I said."

His chin hit the table with an enormous whump.

"Valorum, you've just made another young girl very happy!" Rela grinned as Qui-Gon fell to the floor.

"Just how many times did he get it wrong?" Leona stood looking down at the large Jedi Master passed out on the floor. She had been proud of the fact she had gotten it correct on the first try and even more so as she gazed around at the group that would definitely be visiting the infirmary before night's end.

"I stopped keeping count after the fifth try." Rela didn't even attempt to hide her giggles.

"You don't seem too worse for wear." Jemmiah observed of the petite healer.

"I'm spending half my time in the fresher. Not accustomed to drinking, I guess." Leona smiled absently.

"cccchhhhhhuuuuuggggghhhhhh"

The noise startled everyone at the table, causing more than a few of the game's participants to choke on their drinks. "Does he always snore that loud?" Leona's expression froze in a grimace, staring down at Qui-Gon.

"Why" Obi-Wan asked lazily from his pillowed position, "Can the healer's come up with a cure?"

"No." Leona's face now took on a deeply thoughtful look. "I just normally prefer it quiet when I sleep." she said with all seriousness.

Making her way once again in the direction of the fresher, Leona left those not too intoxicated to catch her drift, staring open-mouth after her.

Rela watched the snoring form of a passed out Qui-Gon, and she couldn�t help but grin. The way people ended up after playing this game always caused her to explode into a fit of giggles. As she looked around the table, she realized that everyone that had been playing was soon going to end up face down on the floor. Rela then caught sight of Lilith and Krelo and noticed that they had done quite well under the circumstances. She heard some sort of mumbling coming from the drunken form of Qui-Gon and heard Leona�s name mentioned. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, but a snicker still escaped.

This is too good! Rela thought.

Qui-Gon was in the process of trying to lift his head, but immediately failed, and Rela made the mistake of looking at him. All of her self-control left her at that moment and an explosion of laughter erupted from her.

�What�s so funny?� Jemmiah asked curiously.

All Rela could do was wave her off as she wiped the tears away. �There is no way he�s going to be able to live this down.� she finally coughed out. �I used to kick butt at this game, but I was a professional drunk at the time.�

�Why is that so funny?� Mace wondered.

�Because he�s kissing the floor and mumbling Leona�s name, you are going to be the one carrying him to the next cantina, and I�m going to have so many copies made of that holo that I�m going to make a fortune!�

"I can't carry him!" Mace complained as he looked down at Qui-Gon with distinctly clouded eyes. "I can hardly stand up myself!"

"I can't carry him, because I'm carrying Kylenn." Dex yawned.

"I can't carry him, because I've got two broken hands. And anyway, I'm not budging from here." Obi-Wan smiled deliriously.

"You can't walk down the street like that!" Rela laughed.

"Try and stop me."

"Errrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnuuuhhh!" Came a rather dubious sound from the floor.

"He's waking up a little," Griff observed.

"But not enough," sighed Mace. "Can't we just leave him here?"

Leona was back by his side and hovering protectively around the comatose figure just as soon as Windu had uttered the words "leave."

"No we CAN'T!" she hissed.

"She's right, Master Windu." Jemmiah looked fondly at the dozing Jedi. "If you leave him there on the floor with his hair all spread out like that, people will mistake him for a hairy rug!"

Mace frowned. "I don't think you all appreciate the seriousness of this."

"I didn't think you'd complain," Jemmy replied. "It's harmless fun."

"Fun for who?"

"Me and my holocam, of course!" Jemmiah twirled Obi-Wan's braid gently in her fingers.

Windu became exasperated. "Look, I don't know if you've ever seen Qui-Gon drunk because it very rarely happens. But when we were padawans he had an alcohol related problem."

He let his words sink in.

"Qui-Gon had an alcohol related problem." Rela squinted.

"Yeah, he couldn't stay on his feet after a couple of citrusades!" Dex smirked as Jinn groaned again under their feet.

"He did get better with practice though."

"I'll bet." Rela said dryly.

"The problem is, when Qui had reached his limit, he would start to�well, tell rather vulgar rhymes."

"Like the one about Senator Marrot." Spider snorted. "Yeah, that wasn't fair. I wanted to hear that."

She bent down and stared at Qui-Gon, yelling in his ear. "HEY! WAKE UP AND TELL US THE REST, WILL YOU? YOO-HOO! RISE AND SHINE, MR JEDI MASTER. WE WANT THE RUDE POEM, YOU GOT THAT? WHAT WAS HIS PERSON SHAPED LIKE? C'MON" she nudged him with the toe of her shoe, "DON'T LEAVE IT THERE!"

"Spider!" Leona admonished.

"What rhymes with Marrot?" Rela wondered.

"I'll bet it's carrot!" Jemmiah grinned.

"Yeah!" Rela nodded. "That'll be it."

"Here's a toast to Senator Marrot,
Whose person was shaped like a carrot�"

"He's great love of sheep�" supplied Spider.

"Made his wife weep�" added Mace.

"To say nothing at all of the parrot!" Jemmiah laughed.

"Gods, who needs Qui when we've got you lot." Dex chuckled. "Very amusing. But what do we do about our little problem?"

They all stared at Qui-Gon as if the solution would somehow supply itself.

Eventually, something DID occur to Rela. She walked over to Lilith and Krelo, watching the pair of them as they squirmed under close scrutiny. "You will help to carry Qui-Gon, won't you?" She smiled beguilingly at the pair of them.

"Us?" Lilith smiled. "I don't think w are in a fit state to�"

Rela leaned forwards and beckoned Lilith to lower her head. "Are you sure you won't have another drink?" She said sweetly. "It's either that or you carry Qui-Gon. Because I am sure that the others will not take kindly to the fact you've been cheating�"

"We have not been cheating," Lilith replied in a hurt tone.

"Yes,we have," Krelo admitted.

"OK. So we've been cheating. So what?" Lilith gave in with a scowl.

"The others are very, very drunk. You are both very, very sober. That makes it your fault for cheating, therefor you deserve to carry him. Think of it as an honor."

"He's as tall as a Bantha! It'll kill us!" Lilith moaned.

"You are almost as tall as he is."

"But he's dead weight! It'll be like carrying a wine sack!" Krelo argued.

Rela smiled. "Which is it? Do I snitch or do you carry him?"

Krelo met Lilith's stare. "We'll carry him." They both said together.

Dex picked up Kylenn�and promptly fell on his knees.

"This is NOT going to be easy." Jemmiah said as she pulled on her boyfriends' braid. "Come on. Time to move."

"Must we?" Obi-Wan eyed her cleavage and sighed. "Oh, well. It was nice knowing you. I hope I'll have the privilege of getting reacquainted very soon."

"Move!" Jemmiah pulled harder on the braid.

"I'm moving, I'm moving!"