A Night to (Almost) Remember

Prequel to Lions, Tigers, and Padawans, Oh My!. A fundraising bar crawl? Only Jemmiah could arrange something like that.

Note: This is a group fic written mostly by Jemmiah, with a little help from (in order of posting): Sybelle, Jedi Kylenn, HealerLeona, Wampasmak, Lilith Demodae, LadyJedith, Krelo Rei'ch, Jedi_Daphne, and mouse2. The original thread can be found at theforce.net.

Disclaimer: Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Depa Bilaba and the universe they live in belong to George Lucas. They are respectfully borrowed with no intent to profit thereby.


~~~~~~~


Unnerved by the sudden change of mood in Qui-Gon and feeling that both Obi-Wan and Jemmiah had been through enough tonight Leona decided to relate a story that would turn the tables on the stern Jedi Master. Taking a quick swig of her drink, she had lost count after the fourth cantina and was feeling pretty loose, she joined the dishers of dirt.

"Well, seeing how one of the popular topics seems to be the unwitting ingestion of a foreign substance" she drawled giddily, "I have a story to tell."

"This took place a number of years ago, right before one of Master Yoda's infamous Master/Padawan Sports days. A certain padawan, one who, shall I say, has made a name for more then himself in the infirmary, was brought to the healers after a particularly severe bout of what was considered food poisoning."

Qui-Gon, who was in the midst of taking a swallow from his freshened drink, suddenly gasped. Choking on his drink, he proceeded to spray the liquid across the table in an uncontrolled coughing fit.

"Go on Leona." Mace laughed, clapping his friend sternly on the back.

"Seems that after eating a dinner prepared by his master, said padawan was seized by a rather nasty episode of urgent evacuation on both ends." Leona said in as gentle way as possible.

There was a unanimous grimace from everyone around the table.

"He was eventually brought to the healers and as a matter of course his stomach was pumped." Leona paused taking a sip of her drink to moisten her throat, noticing the dark expression she was receiving from Qui-Gon. Being quite inebriated and feeling unusually bold she continued. "As routine, the stomach contents were analyzed and the interesting thing here was that we found a high concentration of diexypolysynthnal. Seems this master had taken to preparing his padawan's meals with a little 'all-purpose hyper-drive cleaning grease'. Needless to say this young man's insides were thoroughly expunged."

The story was met with shocked silence as all eyes turned to the large Jedi Master who was trying his best to disappear into the chair he sat on.

"Oh, ho!" Dex snorted a loud laugh, breaking the silence. "You didn't Qui-Gon! We understood your apprehension of the games given your past track record, but to resort to such dastardly measures?"

Qui-Gon flamed brightly, his newly shorn face adding to the effect greatly.

"I would have never expected such a diabolical scheme out of you old man!" Mace laughed heartily, reaching over to swat him stiffly on the shoulder.

"Really, Qui-Gon," Sal-Fina sniped icily, thoroughly delighted at her ex-lover's humiliation. "I'm sure the poisoning of one's own apprentice goes against some Jedi code. I should think the Council would find it a bit extreme...even for you."

The group roared at the comment, Sal-Fina and Ambianca's high-pitched titters being the loudest.

Simeon turned to Dimallie in a drunken guffaw, "Kenobi's gonna go Sith when he finds this out."

"When he finds out, Padawan Cates?" Qui-Gon rounded on the boy, offering his most menacing glare.

"I mean 'if' he finds out sir," Simeon reissued his statement suddenly sobering.

"I thought so." Qui-Gon glanced challengingly around the room only to be confronted by more uproarious laughter.

Krelo caught her breath and sighed, still grinning widely. She took another sip of her drink and glanced at the people congregated around the table and laughed again. "I got one for ya'll. It's a story of 'I though you wouldn't find out'." She shifted on the booth bench seat and clunked her elbows on the table. "Someone here at this table seems to consider himself a bit of a 'lady's man', having been through a long line of women in his time."

Beside the tall redhead, Dex began to shift nervously and fiddle with his drink. He was trying very hard not to make eye contact with anyone.

"Well, a few years ago, one of my old friends decided that she'd come and visit my master and myself while she was on vacation and passing through this system. Mayatta had barely set foot on the landing pad when she was immediately greeted by a tall, handsome man. Now, seeing as how my master and I were off planet for a few days, this charming gentleman decided to take it upon himself to," she paused to think and clear her throat, "well, entertain May for the time being." Krelo dipped her fingernail in the dark blue liquid in the short tumbler in front of her and traced lazy circles on the table top. She dipped her finger again and brought in to her lips, sucking at the faintly blue stained digit. "From what she told me, she and the young man had quite a time together." She took a quick sip on her drink. "A very good time. Unfortunately, her relatively tight schedule required her to cut short her stay and she had to leave before I returned. I entered my room to find a vid message from her stating that she was very sorry that she'd missed me and that she'd be back to visit in another few weeks, and to say hello to a particular young man if I chanced to see him around the temple." She leaned back and turned to a now very frightened looking Dex Berlingside. Placing both her long fingered hands on his broad chest and flopping the leg she'd had crossed over his knee, she turned the full intensity of her leaf green eyes on him. She smiled very sweetly, leaned towards him and placed the barest brush of a kiss on the tip of his nose.

"Now Dexie. I'm just wondering. Was this before or after you'd decided to break up with me? Because from the welcome home you gave me," she grinned suggestively, "I'd say you were still quite taken with me."

�This isn�t so much dishing dirt as actual mud-slinging!� Mace said to Qui-Gon out the corner of his mouth.

�Feeling nervous?� Qui-Gon asked Windu?

�No.� Mace laughed as he adjusted his makeshift headband. �Should I? I�m not the one who fed laxatives to his padawan to avoid a sports day!�

�You mention one word more about that and I shall inform Depa Billaba of the tattoo on your rear with her name emblazoned on it!�

�Damn!" muttered the dark skinned master.

Mace was feeling pretty pleased that nobody had anything on him whatsoever. Just looking about him he could see the tension on everyone�s faces. Sal-Fina was glowering at Qui-Gon. Dex was still squirming under Krelo�s close scrutiny. Vernice Ashdal seemed very edgy, as if waiting to be caught out�

�I can tell you that when Mace was in the cr�che, he used to pick at his ears and make the wax into little balls, which he�d try and flick into the cr�che master�s tea.� Dex grinned.

�Who told you that?� Mace demanded.

�Gilda Amaline. She used to be your biggest fan.�

Mace remembered. Gilda used to follow him round with big Nerf�s eyes, like a devoted cannoid. She�d share her meals with him. She�d play footsie with him under the table. And nothing had impressed her more than his uncanny ability to flick earwax into the cr�che master�s tea at long distance.

�That�s disgusting.� Sal-Fina snorted.

�For once I agree.� Qui-Gon grimaced.

�Oh, yeah?� Mace wasn�t happy at the way his friend had sided with his ex. �What about what you did to Yoda? Swapping over his insect repellent with liquid Caf sweetener so that he would get bitten to within an inch of his life?"

�Who rubbed red hot Takkini onto their master�s underwear to avoid being taken for their medical?� Jinn shot back.

�That�s nothing compared to him!� Mace jerked his head at Dex. �At least I didn�t put Sand Maggots in the refectory�s Alderaani rice pudding!�

�So it was YOU!� Vernice Ashdal screamed.

�I ATE SOME OF THAT!� Qui-Gon yelled at Dex.

�Quirida-Xac ate all of his. He didn�t notice,� Mace added.

Obi-Wan stalked in with Jemmiah, who had been dragged away from her search for Rela. Annoyed, Jemmy regarded Qui-Gon with a scowl on her face.

�Oh, look. It�s the newly weds!� Mace grinned to himself. �I didn�t get to go to the ceremony but the least I can do is buy the happy couple a drink.�

�You wanted to see me?� Jemmy frowned at Qui-Gon. �What was it about?�

Qui-Gon looked at the faces regarding him round the table, anticipating his remark. �Nothing.� he said shortly.

�Great. He drags me away for nothing,� Jemmy said dryly.

Dex laughed. �What are you having to drink, Qui?�

�Alderaani Black Rum,� Jinn glowered.

�And for the Bride and Groom?�

Jemmiah�s eyes widened in shock. Obi-Wan gulped softly besides her and a bruised and battered Kryztan Harkley sat in a distant corner glaring daggers at the pair of them. �I don�t know what he wants,� Jemmy hissed at Obi-Wan, �but I want a divorce!�

Lilith held her hands up, palms out, and made settling gestures until the unruly group, some elements being more unruly than others, quieted enough for her to be heard without raising her voice.

"Now, I know that by now, there isn't anyone here who does not know exactly what it is that I have selected as my vocation of choice." She darted a glance sideways at Krelo and smirked at her friend. "And, no, it isn't drinking, Kre."

There was a smattering of tipsy laughter around the gathering, but most waited politely, if drunkenly, for the smuggler to continue. Most had absolutely no clue who she could possibly dish dirt on other than Griff or Krelo, but neither of them looked the least bit worried as she spoke.

"As such, I have handled some very, shall we say, 'delicate' cargoes for some rather influential people who would prefer it if as few people as possible knew about these transactions."

"You mean they'd be kicked out of office, or plain off the planet if people found out you were smuggling in illegal substances," a very drunk, and tactless Simeon slurred happily.

Lilith nodded in concession to his blunt phrasing. "Likely so," she confirmed, her eyes twinkling. "And keeping that in mind, I shall not divulge anything incriminating this evening, as that would ruin my reputation for discretion." Groans of disappointment echoed back and forth at that declaration, but Demodae waited only a moment before continuing and they were forced to shut up or miss what she said.

"But, I will say that I have had the opportunity to haul a 'delicate' cargo, nothing illegal mind you, just embarrassing, for a member of your distinguished Order. And here, tonight, in this very cantina, I will reveal to you not only the name of the personage who hired the services of a known smuggler, but the nature of the cargo as well."

There was a rousing cheer around the circle, but more than one person looked close to panic. Lilith knew that more than one of them had smuggled things into the Temple, she'd performed the service more than once herself. She also had many friends in the business, after all, and if there was one thing people in her line of business liked better than an easy run with a lot of profit, it was telling each other stories.

Lilith smiled as everyone leaned in close to hear her better and she started to tell her tale. "This was, oh, about three years ago," she began and saw several previously anxious faces relax. "I was carrying a mixed cargo, mostly mariel pelts from Triax 3,� Griff sigh in envy at the thought of so rich a cargo, �when I landed on Coruscant and a very worried looking intermediary arrived at my ship to check up on the status of one of the parcels I was carrying.

�After being reassured that the parcel was intact and that I had received my delivery instructions, the intermediary rushed on about his business and thought nothing of it until it came time to make actual delivery. The parcel was a box about yea big.� Lilith held out her hands to describe a box roughly 60x30x10 centimeters in size. �And it was loaded end to end, side to side, top to bottom, with datadisks. These datadisks contained . . ., � and she trailed off and paused dramatically.

�C�mon, Lil, don�t keep us in suspense,� Krelo demanded, though she thought she might have heard this story, minus the name of the intended recipient.

�Yeah, Demodae,� Griff encouraged. �And it had better be good.�

�Good?� the bleached blond snorted in amusement. �They were loaded with fully illustrated back issues of �Maxim�, �Blue�,� Lilith ticked the names off on her fingers and there were more than a few sidelong glances at Sal-Fina when the word �blue� came up. � �Raw�, even a few issues of �Tug My Slug�!� she ended in disgust.

There was a chorus of disbelieving gasps around the table at the list of porn magazines. �Maxim� and �Raw� were human porn, �Blue� was a Twi�lek publication and �TMS�, as it was shortened to, was a disturbingly kinky Hutt publication. The very thought of Hutt porn was enough to turn most people�s stomachs, let along full color glossy photos of it complete with sub-captions and articles.

�I�ll bet it was Kryztan,� Griff hazarded. He didn�t know about the scene behind the last cantina, and he couldn�t resist getting a shot in at the punk. Jemmiah choked and Obi-wan wrapped a concerned arm around her shoulders and looked worried until the fit had passed and she waved a reassuring hand at him. �Naw, Dexie,� a slurred unrecognizable voice muttered.

A dozen theories were tossed out in the next few moments, before everyone turned expectantly back to Lilith.

�As I said, it was time for the actual delivery,� she continued. �The problem was that the intermediary had been called away or come down sick or was otherwise unavailable to pick up the package at the designated meeting point, so the true owner of the parcel had no other option but to come out and get it and make payment themselves.�

There several hoots of appreciative laughter from around the table and Rendar smirked. He had been wondering how she had ferreted out the buyer�s true identity if he had been using intermediaries.

�So you can imagine my surprise when I arrived at the meeting place and was greeted by none other than...�

�Oh, get on with it, Lil,� Krelo griped, elbowing her friend in the ribs.

�Master Yoda.�

The spit takes that erupted around the table at that proclamation were spectacular. Qui-Gon was choking and Mace had to thump him soundly a few times before he could breathe in an approximately normal fashion again. All the Jedi Masters were looking at each other and Captain Demodae in astonishment, but it was Jemmiah who summed it all up for all of them.

�Who�da thought?�

*******

Drunken laughter brought Rela back to the present. She slowly opened her eyes, took a quick look around, and sighed to herself.

Well at least I wasn�t missed. Although it would be nice if someone did come looking for me, at least once. Then again I would have to explain why I was out here, and I can�t do that. It�s stupid and embarrassing. That reminds me I need to see Hruggla tomorrow. Why does that still bother me? Every room has a way of escape. This place has at least four not including the front door. This is STUPID Rela! Stop thinking about it, and go back inside and join the party.

Rela stayed where she was.

Okay Rela you have to move your legs to go back inside. I don�t believe that one sentence bothered me that much! It wasn�t even me that it happened to. Rela just forget about it and go back inside. You can worry about it all tomorrow.

Rela sighed again, willed herself to move, and started back inside the cantina.

�Tug My Slug?� Spider groaned. �That�s just�that is too�UGH!�

�Better than shake my snake!� Jemmiah laughed at Spider, whose passion for reptilian creatures in general was well known.

�Is that right?� Spider�s mouth curled up in mirth. �Well, how about I tell everyone here what happened at the d�butantes ball a few months back?�

�How would you know, Dinko girl?� Jemmy punched Spider playfully on the arm. �They wouldn�t let you in the building incase you scared everyone off.�

�Verity Filbers was there and she told me.�

Jemmiah looked uncomfortable. �Did she?�

�Uh-huh.�

Qui-Gon looked suspiciously between the two of them. �What DID happen?� he asked.

�Spider, if you don�t tell him I�ll pay for all your drinks for the next month,� Jemmy pleaded.

�Not good enough.� Spider beamed. �You may recall that Miss-Coruscant-Queen-Of-The-Debs-Ball here had to attend the aforementioned gala function in her white dress��

�The one that Kenobi wanted to rip off her back!� Abran crowed as the others jeered at Obi-Wan�s embarrassed expression.

�The very same.� Spider chuckled, thumbing the strap of her top in order to stop it from sliding down her arm. �You also may have heard something about an injury to Senator Moesti.�

�Yeah, what happened there?� Simeon wondered. �They said an unspecified injury had somewhat marred the occasion but they never said what it was.�

�Jemmy? Want to explain?� Spider offered as Jemmiah fell under Qui-Gon�s executioners� gaze for the umpteenth time that night.

�N-not really,� she stammered.

�Allow me then.� Spider stood up to demonstrate. �One of the guests at the ball, as usual, was Senator Moesti�s wife Florri.�

�Is she the mad one with the dog?� Jodi wondered.

�Yup.� Spider saw she had everyone�s attention. �That is the first dog of the republic.� She laughed. �It�s rumored that he bought that dog as a publicity stunt. So they could have their pictures taken with it and look like a normal couple.� Spider sighed. �Nothing normal about that dog, I can tell you. I�d have fed it to my snake given half the chance.�

�That�s horrible,� shuddered Dimallie.

Spider shrugged. �Anyway. Wherever the mistress goes, the cannoid goes too. Verity said she spent most of the evening stuffing the little hairy footstool�s face with cakes and things. In particular she tried to impress all the Debs with a little trick she�d taught the creature.�

�I�ll pay for your drinks for two months!� Jemmiah put in.

�Not a chance,� Spider smiled.

�What was the trick?� Mace asked.

Spider pulled a napkin from the plasti-chrome table surface and folded it into a cylindrical shape, waving it about. �She�d shout �TAVISH! SAUSAGES!� and the little beastie would jump from a sitting position some three foot off the ground and take a whole sausage from her fingers.�

�What�s this got to do with Senator Moesti�s injury?� Dex asked.

�I�m coming to that.� Spider nodded. �Twinkle-toes here,� she pointed at Jemmiah, �was getting bored to tears with listening to Florri Moesti�s doggy-talk all night and so when Senator Moesti asked her to dance, she waited till they were on the floor and slipped one of the smoked Corellian sausages from the dog�s plate into the band of his trousers.�

�Didn�t he notice?� Qui-Gon shook his head.

�Verity said it looked as if he was getting groped. He probably didn�t mind in the least.�

�The old lech had it coming to him,� Jemmy muttered.

�What?� demanded Qui-Gon.

�When the dance stopped and the applause had died down, someone not a million miles away shouted �TAVISH! SAUSAGES!� and pointed at Moesti�s rear. Verity said that dog was scampering across that polished floor quicker than a Vrelt up a trouser leg.�

�And?� prompted Biwo.

�The dog fastened itself to the senator�s behind and wouldn�t let go for nearly ten whole minutes.�

Dex laughed at that image. �What did they do?�

�What could they do? They had to lead the man -with the dog still hanging off his rear- away to one of the anti-chambers. Senator Rowli was having a hysterical fit of laughter. Even Chancellor Valorum was laughing. Infact, he was so enchanted with the whole thing that he monopolized Jemmy for the rest of the dances.�

�Most of �em.� Smiled Jemmiah. �I had to dance a few with my date. And Senator Palpatine.�

�Oh, yes. Verity said he was quite taken with you.� Spider watched Obi-Wan grit his teeth in annoyance.

�Don�t remind me. There�s no love between him and Moesti, everyone knows that. But it was really freaky. He kept staring at me all night. Gave me the creeps.� Jemmiah shuddered. �There�s something a bit strange about him, I�m telling you.�

�Like what?� Qui-Gon asked.

�I dunno. He smiles far too much for starters. I kept thinking he was going to eat me.�

�Moreover he was bowled over by your immense beauty.� Dex said chivalrously.

�Oh, probably.� Jemmy agreed. �But there�s still something weird about him. The way he muscled in when I was dancing with Chancellor Valorum was extremely irritating.�

�Got some competition I think, Kenobi!� Mace grinned.

Obi-Wan laughed the joke off but felt just a little bit uneasy as Jemmiah blushed a fraction

�If that�s bad, you should hear what I have to say about her!� Jemmiah replied. �What about the time you dressed up as a security guard just so that you could stop people and frisk �em!�

Everyone laughed at her, but Spider remained cool. �Yes, it�s true. I don�t deny it. But it pales in comparison to the time when Rela, you and myself went out drinking in one of Coruscant�s classier establishments only to find out that we hadn�t enough money to pay for all our drinks.�

�What happened?� Leona leaned forwards.

Spider grinned from ear to ear. �Jemmy shoved a couple of jackets down the front of her dress and shouted �Oh, the baby�s coming!� and we managed to escort her outside for some fresh air, whereupon we ran as quickly as our legs would carry us back to the safety of the tattoo parlor.�

Qui-Gon just stared at her balefully. �I don�t know how you get away with all this kind of thing,� he said.

�Well, I look at this way.� Jemmy winked at him with her long, dark eyelashes. �If a respected council member and revered Jedi master can read Tug My Slug, anything goes.�

�I�m going to risk having my head removed,� Simeon spoke in the tone of a man who was talking too loudly but too drunk to really notice it, �and mention an unfortunate little incident that occurred last year at the infirmary on one of the weekly open clinics.� Simeon wrinkled his nose at Dimallie, whose sharp intake of oxygen caused Leona a little concern.

What was Simeon going to say?

�Somebody here managed to mix up a samples belonging to two different people.�

�Which people?� frowned An-Paj.

Dimallie begged with her eyes for Simeon to say nothing more.

�Well, put it this way. Mrs. Nerrak was told she had too much alcohol in her bloodstream despite being a complete and utter non-drinker.� Simeon paused, fixing Dimallie with a wicked stare.

�How did she take it?� Leona saw her apprentice wriggle uncomfortably under everyone�s watchful gaze.

�About as well as Master Quirida-Xac took being informed he was pregnant,� Simeon grinned.

�You didn�t!� Jemmiah laughed. �Oh, Dim! That�s a real scream!�

�What did you say when you found out the results were wrong?� Leona asked warily.

�I�I just stood there and told him�that the Force moved in mysterious ways.�

Dimallie looked in subdued fashion round the hysterical group of masters, knights and padawans who didn�t even attempt to cover up their mirth.

�It wasn�t funny. He�s scary.� She turned to Dex Berlingside. �I know he�s your master, but he is a menace!�

�How?� Qui-Gon asked. He knew Quirida-Xac of old, even when the man hadn�t been senile. Menace just about summed him up.

�He has a horrible trick with that artificial eye of his.�

Dex nodded. �Don�t tell me. He put it in his glass of citrus so that when you disturbed the tray it floated to the top.�

�No.� Dimallie sulked. �He put it�somewhere else. Lower down.� She gestured frantically to her rear.

�WHAT!� Dexy laughed. �The dirty old vrelt! Wait till I catch up with him!�

�I had no warning! I just pulled the privacy curtain round and there it was, staring up at me.�

�Don�t worry, Dim.� Meri snickered, �he was just giving you the eye!�

�It�s not funny!� repeated Dimallie.

�Oh, you�re quite safe.� Dexy waved her fears aside casually with a dismissive hand, �as long as he didn�t wink at you!�

Dimallie looked miserable, and Leona put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

�You think THAT�S bad.� Jemmiah warned. �When I was doing my hospital visit thing for that Sunny Breeze show, Quirida-Xac mistook me for one of the healers. He told me he wanted a shave. I said I�d get someone to help him; next thing I know his pants are round his ankles and he�s lying back on his bed with a smile on his face the size of a Rancor! Obviously he had his own ideas about what he wanted to shave.�

�You should have said,� Leona protested.

�I didn�t see the need. Anyhow, I could handle him.�

�What did you do?� Kylenn asked.

Jemmy grinned. �I told him he had a very weak chin.�

�How about we go for the grand slam!� Purred Tanni Welasa. �A treble bill, as it were.�

�And who might that be?� Asked Leona as she downed another Flameout. She began to wonder if she wasn�t perhaps developing a taste for the stuff. Certainly the urge to lay down her head on the cool surface of the table had never been so great as it was now�

�Our chief villains are Obi-Wan, Simeon and��

�Jemmiah?� hazarded Qui-Gon.

�How did you know?� The Togorian answered with the faintest hint of feline sarcasm bleeding into his throaty voice.

�Lucky guess,� Jinn remarked. �Or unlucky as the case may be.�

�Unlucky for you, I�m afraid Master Jinn.� Tanni grinned, his fearsome collection of whiskers pulling backwards as he did so.

�For me?� echoed Qui-Gon.

Everyone�s head turned to face the three in question, who in turn looked backwards and forwards between one another.

�What have we done now?� Jemmy asked Obi-Wan.

�Too many things. That�s what�s got me worried.� He replied. Cautiously he raised his eyes to those of Tanni�s, trying to gauge the giant cat�s mood. �Have I done something to offend you?� Kenobi offered hesitantly. �Is that why your about to dish some dirt my way?�

�Not in the least.� The eyes narrowed to humorous slits. �It�s just too good a story not to share with everyone!�

�It�s not the time that Jemmy taught all the cr�che kids how to swear in Corellian is it?� Simeon laughed.

�Good one, blabbermouth.� Jemmiah scowled. �Tell the world why don�t you?�

�That explains why that tiresome little Alderaani kid shouted at me in Corellian to stick my head up a Nerf�s behind when I asked him if he wanted more Jeli at the initiates party.� Dex chuckled.

�He told me to do something rather disgusting involving an Ankula,� Windu grumbled.

�Nothing wrong in learning languages,� Jemmiah defended herself.

�It�s YOUR language we are questioning, and its suitability for children under the age of nine.� Qui-Gon glared.

�Does nobody know how to laugh round here?� Jemmy grumbled.

Tanni watched with amusement. �No. It wasn�t that.�

�Then maybe it was the time that Obi-Wan accidentally spilled Master Jinn�s special occasion scent all over the floor. I won�t tell you what he filled it up with.� Simeon smirked.

�WHAT?� Qui-Gon asked flatly.

Jemmiah covered her eyes. �Ooooooh, that is so disgusting.� She said, looking anything but disgusted. �I don�t think anyone can criticize me after that!�

�Is that so?� Tanni yawned lazily.

The uncertain look spread between the threesome again.

�Well, what was it?� Simeon asked nervously.

�I am in fact referring to the time when you set Master Jinn up on that blind date.�

Jemmiah�s eyes scrunched up at the memory. �Sith! I�d forgotten all about that!�

�I hadn�t,� Qui-Gon said in a clipped tone.

�Oh, do tell us more.� Sal-Fina leaned forwards to enable her to hear better. �I�m sure this will be worth the telling.�

Jinn shot her a heated look but she reflected it coolly with an icy blast from her own eyes.

�Jemmy, Obi-Wan, Simeon and Jasmyn decided they were going to set up blind dates for the masters and knights in the temple.�

�Yeah,� Krelo looked amusedly at Dex, �I remember.�

�They fed in all sorts of variables to try and get as close a match as possible. Personality, hobbies, interests��

�And?� Lilith asked.

�The results were varied to say the least.� Krelo remarked. �Depa Billaba ended up with Quirida-Xac.�

�Needless to say, I didn�t take up the offer.� Depa muttered.

Tanni watched as the obligatory squirming started in earnest. �Master Jinn was told he was going to meet the closest match they could get for him, and that he would get to meet said person at the Limelight restaurant not three blocks away from this very cantina.�

Qui-Gon looked aghast at the memory. �Can I just point out that I only went through with this whole nonsensical scheme under duress. I was told that that I would be doing a favor for the person, as they didn�t get out much��

�That�s as may be,� Tanni smacked his rubbery lips, �But I�m sure even you were surprised when your date turned up at that restaurant. What were you told about your prospective partner?�

Qui-Gon folded his arms and initially refused to look Jemmiah in the eye. �I was informed that my partner would be tall, slender, attractive, middle aged with a good sense of humor. Someone who took the Jedi life seriously but liked to relax in the evenings. Someone with beautiful eyes,� he shot a killer look at Jemmiah, �and a beautiful head of long, wavy hair.�

�Look, it was an accident�� Obi-Wan began.

Everyone stared blankly as they tried to work the identity of Qui-Gon�s mystery date.

�And just who was your partner, Master Jinn?� Tanni burred.

Leona could have sworn she�d heard Qui-Gon swear under his breath.

�Master Windu,� Jinn grimaced.

�How about I dish the dirt for a change?� Jemmy became extremely smug. �What If I were to tell you about Jay�s little scheme to spread a little love and happiness around the temple shortly after our own plans to conquer the match making market became a dismal flop.�

�I really don�t think you should be telling anyone this�� Jay shook his head.

�Why don�t you get that damn priest back and get him to un-marry us!� Jemmiah hissed.

�Nope, sorry. Doesn�t work that way.� Abran replied glibly.

�Right then. Prepare to suffer.�

Abran didn�t appear unduly concerned.

�This creature,� Jemmiah�s smile looked far from warm, �gave my personal holo connection number to a bunch of weirdoes by placing an advertisement in booths up and down Coruscant. Evla spent the best part of a week fending of everybody from the habitually perverted to the downright disgusting who kept insisting they wanted to talk to �Generous Jemmy� and asking how much the call was going to cost them!�

�And how much did you charge?� Sal-Fina asked sweetly.

Qui-Gon had taken about all he was going to. �Why don�t you give your mouth and everyone else�s ears a rest for just once in your life?� he inquired, surprising Leona with his bluntness.

�How�how DARE you say that!� Sal-Fina spluttered after the shock had given way to anger.

�I�m only saying what every one else has been thinking for the last half century,� Jinn replied evenly.

�Qui-Gon, steady.� Dex frowned anxiously.

�Oh, don�t deny it Dexy!� Qui-Gon answered the blonde master back. �She only ever opens her mouth to criticize. Never has a good word to say about anyone.�

�If I could find anything good to say I might do!� Snapped Sal-Fina. �You know your problem? You�re a soft touch. A do-gooder, who always has to be seen as Master-Holier-than-Thou! Mr. Perfect Jedi! Well, it�s all a load of�� she halted, trying to think of something else to say��POODOO!�

Everyone listened transfixed at the domestic argument that had been brewing for well over thirty-five years.

�You are one of the WORST Jedi Masters in the temple! You let your padawan frolic late at night in cantinas getting up to Sith knows what mischief! Xanatos was a complete monster. And this Corellian �thing� that you dragged out of the sewers is allowed to run riot!�

�At least I don�t neglect my charges or teach them how to be spiteful and conceited little clones!� Jinn was furious.

�I�d rather my padawan was a clone of myself than an ill-educated, alcoholic slut!� She pointed at Jemmy.

�Oh, pardon me for being ill-educated,� Jemmiah growled. �You�ll have to forgive my lack of formative education on the count of my teacher having her head blown off her shoulders.�

Obi-Wan paled, but Sal-Fina kept on. �I see you didn�t deny the alcoholic slut part.�

�It�s preferable to being called what you�re called by the padawans behind your back.�

�Jemmy, no,� Kenobi warned.

�And what would that be?� Sal-Fina glared.

�Marmalade.�

The others frowned pensively, as if the connection was just eluding them.

�Marmalade?� challenged Sal-Fina.

�Yeah.� Jemmy grinned lopsidedly. �Easily spreadable.�

Sal-Fina went red in the face and turned and walked away in the direction of the bar.

�I hope An-Paj can do facial reconstruction because she is really going to need it after I�m done with her.� Jemmy snorted. �A few millennia ago they used to burn witches, you know.�

�Jemmiah!� Qui-Gon rebuked her.

�Well, how dare she speak to you like that!� Jemmiah retorted. �I�ll have you know that you are by far the BEST master in the temple. And I�ll also have you know that I�ve just made a complete idiot of myself confessing that, too!� She broke off, embarrassed, and wondering once more where Rela had got to.

�Ill-educated, indeed. That�s my ego reduced to the size of a flea�s bikini!�

When she next looked up, Qui-Gon was actually smiling. Not much, but a little. �Marmalade, eh?� he asked.

�Easily spreadable.� Jemmiah nodded.

The smile grew bigger.

�Must remember that one.�

�Well,� Jay remarked finally as Jemmiah sipped at her flameout, �I did say you shouldn�t tell anyone about that last story because now I�m going to dish some dirt on you.�

�Oh, do you worst Jay. I�m quaking.� Jemmy snorted.

�Okay,� he smiled levelly. �We all know that our Jemmy�s got an artistic eye.�

�So?� Meri asked. �What�s wrong with that?�

�Nothing at all,� Abran reassured her, �it�s a skill I wish I possessed. She�s extremely talented in many aspects.� He winked at her, and she dug her nails into the palm of her hand. �It would have been a great pity if her special abilities had gone unrecognized and she hadn�t gone to those extra art lessons.�

�You�re story hasn�t exactly been overly amusing so far.� Jinn muttered as he knocked back his drink.

Sith that Rum was strong! �I never said it was amusing. I just said I was dishing the dirt.� Jay smiled, making Jemmiah shiver slightly. �We all know Jemmiah�s quite easy on the eye��

�And quite easy in other aspects, I�ve been told.� Sybelle whispered to Griff.

��So when one day the model failed to turn up for the class the teacher asked if Jemmy wouldn�t mind filling in.�

�And?� Dex prompted.

�It was for a competition, wasn�t it Jemmiah?� grinned Jay.

Jemmiah grimaced but nodded all the same.

�What sort of modeling was this?� Qui-Gon suddenly caught Jay�s drift.

�Life drawing.� Jemmiah shrugged.

�Life drawing as in no clothes?�

�That�s usually what it involves, yes.� Jemmy nodded. She caught Obi-Wan�s glare. �It was tastefully done. And they paid me good money too. It was for an exhibition and I didn�t think there was any harm in it�� she stared at Jay. �Until this reptile turned up for the morning class and I had to sit there and say nothing whilst he studied all my best features. Next thing I know it�s lunch break and he�s disappeared before I can speak to him. Then he arrives back in the afternoon armed with these two,� she pointed at Jodi and Zak, �despite the fact that none of them can draw to save their lives and have absolutely no interest in art whatsoever.�

�That male model was a bit of a laugh.� Jodi chuckled. �He couldn�t have been more uncomfortable if you�d set fire to his undercarriage. Kept coming out in big blotches what with everyone staring at him. In fact he got rather over excited at one point, didn�t he Zac?�

�Sith yes.� Zac agreed. �The teacher had to send him out the room to calm down.�

�Don�t remind me,� Jemmy groaned. �Can I help it if people find me attractive?�

�Everyone was laughing,� Jay snickered, �except for that snooty woman next to us. She was so embarrassed that she left a big blank circle in a strategic part of her sketch. Poor woman didn�t know where to look.�

�I did!� Zac grinned lasciviously at Jemmiah.

Jemmiah felt Qui-Gon�s annoyed stare and Obi-Wan�s possessive look descend upon her shoulders at the same time. �It was nothing sordid,� she insisted. �I was artistically draped��

�Is that what you call it!� Mace smirked.

��With a sheet,� Jemmy finished.

�She�s right,� Jodi agreed. �You didn�t get to see all that much.�

Obi-Wan sighed in relief.

�Well, not until after we played that round of strip Sabacc at the Hell�s Chance on the way home.� Zac finished cheerily. �Eh, Jay?�

�I just want to know one thing.� Simeon said after an icy silence had developed.

�What?� Jemmy asked.

�Is that exhibition still on?�

�Perhaps somebody here would like to confess to the fiasco regarding Master Yoda�s initiate excursion lecture.� Mace said pointedly. His eyes stayed dead level center and yet at the same time everybody, including the non-force sensitive Jemmy and Spider, knew exactly who Mace was REALLY looking at.

Qui-Gon Jinn.

�Is that the time that Yoda�s lecture was delayed because the masters went to a Gabali tournament final instead, due to somebody rearranging the schedules so that both momentous occasions clashed?� Depa Billaba asked.

�Oh, come on. You didn�t complain.� Qui-Gon sulked. �Which would you rather have done?�

�Or was it the time when Master Yoda managed to get stuck in the turbo lift for five hours and the meeting had to be postponed?� Asked Dex Berlingside in an agreeable tone of voice.

�Sometimes, desperate measures are called for.� Qui-Gon shrugged. �It wasn�t easy sabotaging that lift. Yoda kept trying to prize the doors open with the force.�

�And what happened?� Obi-Wan asked, intrigued.

�Dex and I kept prizing them closed again.� A small but satisfied smile worked its way onto Jinn�s features.

�I never knew about that one.� Windu laughed, �but I was actually referring to the time that you set off the fire alarms and we had to evacuate the temple for two hours whilst the cause was investigated. And then when Yoda was convinced it was the padawans playing pranks, the sprinkler system flooded the building and we had to evacuate for another two hours whilst they switched it off!"

�Was that you?� An-Paj said in admiration. �You mean you dared the wrath of Yoda�s mighty stick?�

�A master�s got to do what a master�s got to do.� Qui-Gon nodded.

�I got soaked,� muttered Vernice Ashdal.

�So did Jemmy!� Obi-Wan grinned at the memory. She�d been wearing a VERY skimpy dress at the time�

[Your shielding is slipping again, Padawan!] Qui-Gon lectured sternly over their bond.

[Sorry?]

[The picture that I just got did not leave much to the imagination!]

[Neither did that dress] Obi-Wan sighed inwardly.

[Behave, Padawan!]

Obi-Wan blushed and looked down at the table.

�If we are talking embarrassing revelations, try this for size.� Jinn smirked with all the dignity and compassion befitting a Jedi master completely absent from his voice. �Somebody here found great fun in relieving themselves in the initiates swimming pool.�

�I�m sure we�ve all done that at some point!� Dex smiled looking at Jinn�s padawan.

Obi-Wan caught everyone�s stare and realized the misapprehension. �It wasn�t me!� he huffed.

�No, it wasn�t Obi-Wan,� Qui-Gon admitted.

�Then who?� Jemmiah questioned.

�I�m not mentioning names. It wouldn�t be right. No, I�m not saying anything�except that it was Mace.� Qui-Gon grinned at his friend.

Mace scowled so hard that his makeshift headband fell over his eyes.

�Oh, don�t worry about it Mace.� Dex clapped him on the shoulder. �I�m sure we all did the �aquatic ceremony� when we were initiates.�

�Initiates, maybe,� Qui-Gon replied with eyebrow raised, �but I want to know what his excuse was for last week?�

Spider noticed a quite Rela walking back towards them, and felt this would be the best time to spill some dirt on her.

�I know about a certain someone that happened to steal a certain holo personality Porishae sky car.� she announced. Spider was pleased to notice that Rela stopped mid-stride and was prepared to flee. Then Spider noticed that most eyes were on Jemmiah.

�I didn�t do it, but I have a good feeling of who did.� Jemmiah protested.

Spider quickly ran over and grabbed Rela and pulled her over to the table. Qui-Gon just sighed and rubbed his hands over his freshly shorn face.

�Rela, did you steal Sunny Breeze�s sky car?� he calmly asked.

�No,� she answered. �I borrowed it.�

�What�s the difference?�

�She got it back, and in better running condition then when I took it if you must know. If she didn�t want someone to take it she better learn to lock her doors. Plus I wasn�t the one to throw all her music discs out the window.� Rela added looking at Spider.

�It was a crap-fest,� she answered in her defense.

�Good point!� Rela laughed.

Jemmiah looked around the table. Well if no one else was going to ask, she would. �So how did it handle?�

Rela shrugged her shoulders. �Looks like a fish. Swims like a fish. Drives like a Bantha.�

*******

�Let�s get moving,� sighed Jemmiah as she tried to steer Obi-Wan out of his seat. �I think we�ve dished enough dirt to start a mudslide tonight.� She staggered a few paces and once more felt her head try to implode in on itself. The combination of headache pills and alcohol was, as Lilith suggested, not a healthy one at all.

Jemmy stopped dead in her tracks and put her hand over her mouth, but to little avail. She grabbed the first thing that came to hand: Her shoulder bag.

Obi-Wan groaned. �Not you as well!�

�Thanks for the sympathy!� Jemmiah gasped. �Hell. My compact was in there!�

�If you think I�m going to go looking for it you�ve got another think coming.� Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose in disgust.

Leona stood besides her. �Are you OK?� she asked anxiously.

�I�ll live.� Jemmiah gulped. �The hazard of the cantina crawl.�

�Maybe you should�� began Qui-Gon.

�NO! I�m not going back to the temple.� Jemmy was adamant. �It was my invention and I intend to see it out to the bitter end.�

Qui-Gon arched an eyebrow. �In that case, you will apologize to Ambianca for the hurtful things you said.�

�What hurtful things?� Jemmiah asked, still bent over slightly. How would she ever get her bag cleaned?

�You called her an airhead.�

�That was the truth!� Jemmy replied weakly.

�Well, the truth hurts. It�s not her fault she has to suffer the indignity of having Sal-Fina as a Master. Go and say you�re sorry.�

Jemmiah looked at him as if he�d just asked her to call him Susan. �Fine.� She looked stunned. �I can apologize. But I won�t mean it.�

�Just do it,� Qui-Gon said.

Jemmiah narrowed her eyes as she homed in on Ambianca. Her heard was pounding, her stomach was floating, but she�d be damned if she�d let the enemy see any weakness in her. Fortunately, padawan and master had been answering a call of nature when she had been taken ill.

�Qui-Gon says I have to apologize for calling you an airhead.� Jemmiah said bluntly, still feeling dreadful.

�Did he?� she sniffed.

�It�s still true, but I�m prepared to call a truce for the remainder of the evening if you are.�

Ambianca looked surprised. �Why?� she asked suspiciously.

�Because it�ll make your master happy and Qui-Gon happy, and that gets both of them off our backs and whining about how terrible the bad old days were.�

The blonde padawan considered. �OK. But only for tonight.�

�Suits me.� Jemmy nodded, turning to go away.

�Damn.� She heard Ambianca mutter to herself. �I wish I�d brought my compact with me.�

�Doesn�t your master have one?� Jemmy frowned.

�She�s still in the fresher.�

Jemmiah�s nausea suddenly cleared up as an idea took hold. �Don�t worry about it.� She smiled sweetly. �You can use mine.�

�I can?� Ambianca asked.

�Oh, yes.� Jemmiah opened her bag a little. �It�s in here somewhere. Why don�t you have a feel around for it��

*******

�Ohhhhhhh!� groaned Spider. �Fresh air!� She looked at Jemmiah. �You OK, Toots?�

�I am now.� Jemmy said with an unwell look about her. �I think that was the shortest truce ever in galactic history. What a shame.�

�That airhead had it coming to her.� Meri said, walking behind them. �What�s next?�

�I would tell you, but I was sick all over my list.� Jemmiah pulled a face. �Hang on. Got it. It�s�the Freetrader, I think.�

�And what goes on at the Freetrader?� Rela asked.

�I thought we�d play a few kids games. Good for embarrassing the heck out of the masters.�

�Not to mention the padawans!� Meri said with consternation. �What games?�

�Musical chairs�musical statues�musical bumps��

�Anything with the prefix musical.� Rela smirked. �It is going to look soooo bad. They�ll never agree to it.�

�Course they will. They�re not far from inebriation, most of them. Qui-Gon�s beginning to look as if he may be faltering. Mace is very weary. Dex is very happy indeed. Vernice is chirruping away non stop even when there�s nobody to hear her�and as for Far,� Jemmiah frowned, �I don�t know what�s up with him but he�s acting very odd.�

�Besides,� Kylenn butted in with untypical forcefulness; �they�re so competitive. They won�t be able to resist the lure of being able to act like kids and have an excuse to do so.�

Rela frowned. �I can�t see Qui-Gon playing musical chairs.�

�Oh, Ben and me�ll talk him into it.� Jemmy winked.

�Ben and I, not Ben and me.� Spider admonished. �Didn�t you learn anything whilst you were at school?�

�I learned that Biology was the most boring subject ever�with the exception of the tutor.�

�Hmmm!� agreed Spider.

Rela�s eyes went wide open as she stared ahead at the extremely handsome individual walking ahead of them. �What do you think of him?� She turned to Jemmiah. �He�s a bit of alright, isn�t he?�

�Not bad, not bad at all�� Jemmy squinted.

�Do you feel up to a dare, Jem?� Rela asked.

Jemmiah groaned. �Not really. What is it?�

�Run up to that man, kiss him and tell him his aftershave is the most attractive thing you�ve ever smelled in your life!� Rela grinned.

�What sort of sick fancies go on in your mind?� Jemmiah asked, but already staring ahead of her as the very attractive and pert rear continued to move forwards�. Oh, Bassalads!� Jemmiah swore. �I�ll do it. I�m not being called a coward by you guys for the rest of my existence.�

�Who�s got the holocam?� Meri asked as Jemmy started to stalk after her victim.

*******

Obi-Wan found himself alongside Simeon and Jay Abran. They both seemed more than a little worse for wear, especially the former. He wondered briefly if he himself looked quite as ill as he imagined�then again it was very difficult to take on a lot of alcohol when you had both arms in a sling.

Abran nudged Kenobi in the ribs. �What�s your girl doing, Obi?� he frowned.

�Where?� Obi-Wan�s eyes swept along the paving until he spotted Rela�s little group.

�There!� Jay pointed ahead of them. Meri was sneaking up behind Jemmiah whilst Jemmy was sneaking up behind�

�Sith!� Kenobi muttered as he saw her tap the stranger on the shoulder.

*******

�Excuse me!� Jemmy said in her prettiest Corellian accent.

The man spun round. �Can I help you?� he asked, studying her face in surprise.

�I surely hope so!� Jemmiah smirked and launched herself at him.

The man blinked in astonishment.

�I just wanted to tell you that your aftershave is the best thing I�ve ever smelled in my life.� Jemmiah�s eyes strayed to Meri, hovering nearby.

�Thank you. But I�m not wearing any.� The young man looked baffled.

Jemmiah paused. �In that case, if I told you that you�re wearing the tightest pair of pants I�ve ever seen, would you tell me you weren�t wearing any?� She said hopefully.

�Sorry,� he replied, �But thank you for making my day.� The man shook his head, smiling, and continued his journey down the road.

�What a pity you didn�t make mine?� sighed Jemmiah as Meri shoved the holocam in her face. �Did that stick to the script enough?�

�I think you like ad libbing.� Meri smiled. �But hang about. Your boyfriend�s looking a tad jealous behind us.�

Jemmy span round to see a sorry looking Obi-Wan discussing something with Jay.

*******

�If she can do it, so can you,� Jay was insisting.

�Exactly.� Simeon nodded.

�Go up to�those women across the road.�

�I agree,� Simeon hiccuped.

�What?� Obi-Wan didn�t look too sure. �Those two? But they�re so��

�Obvious?� Jay answered.

�Yeah. Obvious. I like it,� Simeon agreed.

�They�re streetwalkers! Look how they�re dressed! Jemmy will have my hide!�

�She did it to you,� Jay pointed out.�

�That�s right,� Simeon added. �Hang on. Did what?�

�Shut up, Simeon,� Jay and Obi-Wan said together.

�She was dared. By Rela no doubt,� Obi-Wan said uncomfortably.

�Well, now I am daring you.� Jay snickered. �Go up to those two girls, give �em a peck on the cheek, and tell them you think they�re the most beautiful thing on two legs you�ve ever seen in your life.�

*******

Jemmy saw where Jay was pointing and nearly did a double take. �OH-NOOOOO! PLEASE DON�T DO IT!� Begged Jemmy out loud.

�He is! He is going to�look, he�s crossing the road.� Meri laughed.

Jemmiah hid her hands in her face. She knew something about those girls that Obi-Wan didn�t�