I want to cry an endless storm of tears�and hide underneath a covering so that I no longer feel my pain. I feel as if I'm slowly spiraling down, down to an endless pit. A pit both of despair and depression. I need something or someone to hold me up, to hold my hand, I need a comfort that not even those closest to me can offer. I have anger that I need to release and I have emotions that are just coming out into the light. Everything is so frustrating and so agonizing. What is everything??? What the hell is it?? Why can't I figure it out?? Why why why? I find my strength, and then I lose it, I find it again and then it's gone. I think I can move on and deal with it all---- and then I'm stuck�stuck here thinking about something that I can't change�and trapped in an emotion state that I can't run from. The worst is carrying the guilt, the guilt of pretty much everything� of not being there for her� of not understanding why she cried� of laughing off the realities that were right in front of my face. It's the guilt, the pain, the anguish and the memories----I need help, but I'm too busy to go..... I need hugs but I'm so afraid of being close with anyone. I'm scared. I'm scared of being stuck here all by myself and all my friends have passed away� so instead I run.... I'm running inside and out... I'm isolating myself because I want all those close to my heart to leave me�to hate me so that I have no one that I'm scared to lose. I fear every minute that another life will be gone�that their candle burned out...I don't anyone to die because I love them... and I'm afraid that the more I push them away the more they will give up on me. Where do I find my strength? I will find it in God.... but I also have to find it in myself� because any of the strength that I have today will be gone tomorrow.
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