These are days of test tube babies, artificial insemination, cloning, bio engineering, etc., I wonder what the situation would be like a few decades from now.
Flash forward :
He : "Good morning doctor, we would like to have a baby."
Doctor : "A very wise decision if I may say so. Is this your first child? Now let us see what type of a baby would you like to have."
She : "People have always said I have very good eyes. Will it be possible to arrange it."
Dr. "Of Course, madam, eyes, ears, nose, chins, etc., are the easy parts. We can craft them to your exact requirements, just give me your photos and DNA samples and then indicate your choice."
He : "That’s very nice, you mean the baby can have the mother’s eyes and my nose."
Dr. : "Well I can fix just about any combination of features that you can think of."
She : "My complexion is ok, but could you make it a little darker."
He : "Doctor! Can you even give it my grand father’s sense of humor."
She : "Oh no, anything but that."
He : "What’s wrong with that?"
She : "I have had to put up with enough of it for a lifetime, but I will not have my children inherit it."
He : "OK, OK."
She : "Doctor, we have made up our minds, my eyes, his nose, my hair, his chin, my complection, his height and of course my intelligence. Will that be ok, Doctor?"
Doctor : "Perfectly ok, but first things first, would you like a boy or a girl?"
- - - * * * - - -
Published in Punchline page of The Economc Times on Sunday, dated 4 / 1 / 99.
I was to leave for the USA shortly to take up a software assignment to rewrite programs to take care of the year 2000 recognition problem and I was winding up all pending work in India, there was this little matter pending with a government dept. I went to the department and since the officer was not in I tested the rickety chair in the visitors’ room to see if it was safe to sit down in it and settled down for a long wait.
I had dosed off in the visitors’ room when I was finally called in. The concerned officer was quite courteous and called for my file, took the trouble of dusting it and untying the knot, when there was a call from the bada saab. He disappeared and left me to complete my siesta in peace. He finally returned and went through the file. I assured him that everything was in order and that I had filled in the form correctly and submitted all the required documents duly attested, I thought I spotted a look of disapproval but perhaps it was only my imagination for who would disapprove of a job well done.
He only noted the dates and chided me for delaying the matter, he said it could have been disposed off earlier if only I had come sooner. Now it would be very difficult to explain the delay to the bada saab and the CAG auditors. I felt guilty for the delay and at my own negligence and cursed myself for falling prey to the Indian habit of delaying matters. He however promised to sort out all issues and put up a favorable note and to personally see to it that the bada saab issues the necessary order the very next day. I thanked him profusely for the courteous and helpful attitude and got up to leave. He raised two fingers and bid good bye. I went out wondering about the significance of the hand signal, was it a victory sign for India’s victory in the Sahara Cup or was it for the Davis Cup victory.
I went back the next day and was greeted by a blank stare, though my file was lying right on the desk, exactly where it was left the previous day. I reminded him of the issue and his assurances. He opened the file as if for the first time and said it would be very difficult to issue the order. I reminded him of his promise, he looked blankly at me as if I was speaking an unknown language and said that he could do nothing if I did not ‘Co operate’. I offered to carry the file to the bada saab’s room, he was shocked and said he would lose his job if he permitted me to touch my file. He said that the Class IV would do the job. I said I could type and offered to type the necessary order, he was amused by the suggestion and pointed out that there were two typists, and three type machines (of course two was out of order), in the section who were capable of doing the job. I was just asking him in what other manner I could ‘co operate’ when there was a call from the bada saab and he walked out with his familiar two finger salute, asking me to come the next day.
I went again the next day, but he was out and I started chatting with the typist outside, he asked if the formalities had been completed and wondered why my case was taking so long, when other cases were disposed off in a day or two. ‘Co operation’ and now ‘formalities’ such simple words but so incomprehensible. I asked what the formalities were and he raised two fingers and whispered "2K". It struck me that the impact of the computerisation program had finally being felt even in government offices.
The officer returned just then and I greeted him as an old friend but he looked through me and walked into his room. I looked uncertainly at the typist and he looked at me as if it were simpletons like me who were responsible for the sorry state of affairs in this country. The meaning of 2K became clear and I felt like a bumbling idiot. Perhaps the typist was right and it was people like me who did not know the ways of the world and were the cause of all the problems India was facing like poverty, unemployment, inflation, infant mortality, etc. After all speed cost money any where in the world, just look at the difference in the price of a Ford and a Ferrari, perhaps we are slowing things down by not realising this. Even a 10 year old motor mechanic will tell you that a bit of grease is essential for smooth running of any engine.
Now I understood, if I paid 2K and everything would be OK. I walked out slowly, lost in thought, why 2K ? What was the basis for this ? Was there a graded scale or was the figure just an ad hoc one. Could I negotiate or was the rate fixed. Why 2K? .... Y 2 K ? I was to go to USA to help solve their Y2K problem but who would help solve India’s 2K problems ? Would it be solved at least by the Year 2000 or would we have to enter the 21st century with the same old problems of the 20th century.
Published in Punchline page of The Economc Times on Sunday, dated Sep, 98.
Much speculation has been bandied about on the true meaning of AIDS. Even that venerable practitioner of the healing arts Dr. Q has had his say. I now have decided to elaborate on my own definition of AIDS.
AIDS (Another Isidious Deceptive Scheme, 1757) started with thumbs being cut off, leading to bleeding could be stopped only via imported doctors using imported drugs, which were of course very expensive. A few NRI lawyers got wise to this and demanded a new EXIM policy, implemented from 15-8-47.
In the event, a fresh diagnosis was made and the verdict was: transfusion. There were a number of options available. Bilateral, Multilateral and Institutional.
Bilateral transfusion is enjoyable to the donor party but painful to the party at the receiving end. Mlti lateral transfusion takes place takes place in clubs in exotic places like Rome and Paris and is accompanied by much wining and dining. If infection results, whining and dying follows.
Institutional transfusion accompanies advice for structural adjustment, such as silicon transplants for the uplift of the sagging morale of the suffering millions in the recipient country. Diktats for facelifts results in dictators giving the facelift but emptying the treasury.
Doctors wereadvising this kind of transfusion till 1991 when another suggested a new liberalised system of transfusion called the Portfolio Transfusion system (PTS 91). Under this scheme any Indian could obtain transfusion without undergoing the stringent Elisa test, earlier adminstered by the Red Blood Institute (RBI). Hence the risk of infection has gone up tremendously.
Most businessmen thought it could never happen to them or that it was just a head cold which would go away in a few days. Anyway PTS 91 resulted in the SenSex (for the uninitiated that means ... on second thoughts, never mind) touching 4,500 in 1992 and crashing to below 3,000 later.
Despite these fluctuations in blood pressure and slightly above normal temperatures of 10 p.a., the general health was certified to be good by the Doctor, but the Janata were not impressed.
Eventually a PC was appointed to take care of the economy. He said that liberalisation means computerisation, forgetting that the viruses on the net are easier to catch then those through transfusion.
Much has been said about the sources of infection. The real problem is, of cource, the MNCs – M/s Mahalnobis, Nehru and Co., or M/s Manmohan, Narsimha and Co. But to deconstruct that, is another matter altogether!
Published in The Economic Times in February 1998.
Its time for the annual awards for the best and the brightest in the year gone by, 1998. There are awards like Miss India, Mr India, Businessman of the year, etc. There are no awards for politicians, so we have instituted a new award for politicians to be called the ‘MIS QUOTE 1998’. 1998 has been a very hectic year with the Lok Sabha elections and the formation of the BJP government. Politicians of all hues have been issuing statements on all issues and on many non issues. They are sometimes quoted and are equally often misquoted.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the nominees for ‘MIS QUOTE 1998’ are :
1. Atal Bihari Vajpeyee "Pehle aap"
M.P. from Lucknow to Bill Clinton on Nuclear Disarmament.
2. Sonia Gandhi " "
Watch this space in 1999
3. Yeshwant Sinha
"Economy will pick up from September 15th."
(Y2K?)
4. George Fernandes "China is India’s enemy number one."
5. Rama Krishna Hegde "Exports will increase in this year."
6. Jayalalitha
"We have never threatened to pull down the
government."
7. Sahib Singh Varma "Poor people do not eat onions."
8. Jayapradha, M.P. "I do not know the price of onions."
9. Mamta Banerjee
"msosdn plklnen pjad flnoi pjn lneo."
Err.. we could’nt quite catch what
she said but it must have been quite good.
If any of the people quoted above wish to contradict the quotes we would like to apologize in advance to save time.
Readers may send their selection by marking the rank against each name, if your selection matches with the rank selected by the maximum number of respondents you could be the lucky winner.
The rules are :
Published in Punchline page of The Economc Times on Sunday, dated 9 / 12 / 98
Approver
One who approves of the bureau’s work.
(a specie on the verge of becoming
extinct.)
Arrest Warrant
A court order arresting urgent action thought
warranted by the CBI.
Auditor One who hears no evil.
Bail Sure way of securing freedom.
Bankers’ Receipts
Documents used in lieu of Bank Notes to commit
frauds.
Criminal Any suspect until proven innocent.
Cupboard Vertical coffin containing skeletons.
Director One who takes directions.
Fax Garbled facts.
Faxed A foxed investigating officer.
FIR Front paged Investigation Report.
Free Bird A Jail bird who secures bail.
Investigation Report A report by an investigative journalist.
Jail bird Free bird whose wings are temporarily clipped.
Passing the buck Honor among thieves.
Red Corner Alert Alerting suspects of possibility of arrest.
Stay Order
An order to suspects to stay in one place
till they
are arrested.
Suspect An accused suspected to be innocent.
Special Leave Petition
Petition by over worked Investigative Officers for
leave to go home in the evening.
Tinned Food Can of worms.
Witness
One whose motto in life is
‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.'
Published in The Economic Times
Backache
An occupational disease common among politicians, due to constant
bending over, either forward or backward.
Backstabbing
Indian version of a duel, it is played by two politicians trying to stab
each other in the back.
Candidates
Popular
One capable of mobilising large crowds for public meetings in his
constituency.
Winable One capable of mobilising the votes required for victory.
Honest Neither a popular nor a winable candidate.
Citizen
The classical meaning is ‘A resident of a city’.
But for some strange reason, in India 70% of the Citizens
live in
villages
Dalit
A person without money in the bank, but is a potential vote bank for
any party.
Election
A process for selecting 543 fools out of about 2500 fools, by about 30
Crore fools. The only clever ones are the remaining
30 Crore citizens
who stay away from the polls.
Forecast A polite way of saying, your guess is as good as mine.
Four Castes
Originally listed in Manu smriti but
has now mushrooming into
hundreds of sub castes to cater to politics of vote bank.
Gandhi
According to the members of the congress refers to Indira,
Rajiv,
Sonia and Priyanka. The original Gandhi remembered
only when
handling cash, fortunate or unfortunately this is all too often.
Headache
A common illness among Indian voters, caused overdose of politics on
TV.
Identity Card
Issued to every voter to remind them that they are citizens of
India.
(Hence, the photos are recognisable only
by the holder.) Can be
exchanged for passports for those wanting to emigrate.
Ideology A word not found in the dictionary of any Indian politician.
Injustice Division of Hindus on caste lines.
Justice (Social) Dividing India on caste lines.
Kangaroo
The only animal which can hop faster than an Indian politician.
However, the modern Indian politician can also skip (inconvenient
issues) and jump (over any ideological hurdle).
Lady Luck
The real ingredient on which most candidates depend to split the
opposing votes, so that they can win.
Leader A politician in search of followers.
Lok Sabha
Where politicians have free entry, but the common man needs
a special
pass to enter.
Manifesto
List of day dreams for sale to gullible voters.
The terms of sale are "Caveat Emptor" and "Taxes Extra".
National Song
"Vote for ...".
(for the duration of the elections)
Opinion Polls
Unofficial polls on which pollsters spend lacs
of rupees to discover the
unofficial winners, because they cannot wait till the official polling
is
over to discover the official winners.
Politician
Extraordinary people who can stoop to any length to any
(Homo Sapian stoopus) length to
win the votes of the common man (Homo Sapian Eructus).
This extraordinary species can also survive without water,
food,
education, power, hygiene transportation facilities, etc., unlike the
common species which requires all these for survival.
Star Campaigner A film star campaigning for your party.
Stomacache
Another common illness among Indian voters, caused by inability
to
digest the promises made by politicians.
Ticket less Travel A leader denied a party ticket, traveling to other parties.
Urban
Place where the leaders live but promise to help the
voters who live
in areas called rural.
Victory
Invariably achieved by one of the candidates, the only loser
is the
electorate.
X Files
Files on investigations into scams and kick backs which disappear
mysteriously (also spelt Ex Files).
’Z+’ category security
Ought to be given to the common man to protect them from
unscrupulous leaders. Instead it is given to unscrupulous leaders
to
protect them from the wrath of the common man.
Published in The Economic Times