cheese god damned sandwich
you know, i knew two minutes in that this movie was a bad idea. two minutes in. i've been able to supress -and if i may gloat, suppress well- all the crap that i went through last year. and i've forgotten things i had told myself in tears that i would never forget and never live past. hey, still living. and i've been okay. and then i watch that movie. the one that i knew was a bad idea. two minutes in. i hate reflecting on crap bullshit dammit. and i can't even identify with who i am. i'm a combination of adam and kate. i'm the one who broke it off. i'm the one who wanted back in. i'm the one who decided being friends was a bad idea, but when i came crawling back, he didn't answer the door with a cute, witty comeback. that door is still bolted shut and i know he's not on the other side waiting for me to tear it down. he was a cocky arrogant bastard. smart and funny and caring and a self-proclaimed asshole. but he had made me happy. he was here. he told me to screw off when i asked him to bring me coffee and then show up with coffee. he made me feel loved even though he didn't love me anymore. he left me hanging, knowing that if i looked different my life with him could have worked. even though deep inside, i know he would get bored of me. he needed power. i don't care for that. fucking movie. i want that life back. i want goofy banter in the video store. i want to know someone will be big spoon. dammit. i've been doing so well. it just messed me all up. it will be a year next month and this still bothers me. because what i have now is vapor. actually, worse than vapor. it's the illusion of vapor. the idea of it. i didn't want to do this again and here i am doing it again. vapor. poof. oh, you thought that? sorry, not what i meant. your fault. ranty crying sad bullshit. i hate that movie that i love. i hate that i forced myself to watch it until the end because in the back of my head i kept thinking, they can't get back together because that isn't how it ends. that's not how it works. he leaves. says its for the best. and she curls up in a ball on the couch for three days straight. eventually gets up and still thinks of her mistakes 11 months later. thats how life actually is.
little drummer girl
you know how i've had those awkward moments with my landlord? well he may have totally redeemed himself today. on my way home from work on this lovely sunday (yes, i worked on a sunday) i realized i had to pay my rent which is always a dreaded moment. i am more than a little afraid of my landlord and always feel uncomfortable waiting for a receipt in their messy, crowded apartment. i had decided to just write a check and leave it in their mailbox. then i realized that would mean re-depositing the cash i had just taken out and then anxiously waiting for it to clear and worrying that one of the maaany companies i owe money to would see that i had money in my account and just take it. so i decided to just knock on the door, throw the cash at them, and run like hell. oh, then go back and ask for the receipt.
i parked my car and saw my landlord pull up. at least i wouldn't have to leave eight hundred dollars in cash with one of their kids, which i have done before. worked up my courage by pausing by their front door on the way to take out my garbage to make sure he wasn't yelling as usual. he wasn't. i ran downstairs, tossed the garbage, and flew back up. knocked on the door. the entire family was home. hello, hello, hi, hello, hi, hi, hello. did you cut your hair? how are things. smalltalk smalltalk. then, "i'm out of work, you know." oy. so what does that mean? is he going to raise my rent? tells me he couldn't take his boss anymore. he is now working at home. giving lessons. "what kind of lessons?" "oh, drums. and my son gives guitar lessons." without even thinking i blurted out how much i wanted drum lessons. he will give me a huge discount. holy crap i am so excited! luckily i work during the day like normal people so i don't hear him at work. can't say the same for my 1st floor neighbor. she must be having a ball trying to sleep during the day with perpetual band practice going on in the basement. eh well, i don't know her.