me: an illustrated history

i was born in late october 1979 in morristown, new jersey, to a mom and dad. once out of the womb, i got to spend the first couple days of life in the intensive care unit inside of a spaceship where doctors suctioned poop out of my nostrils and watched me incubate. when my mom got past the massive infection i gave her, the three of us went home to our tiny apartment in morristown. rumor has it i was a
terrible, colicky, cranky baby who would only allow her parents and grama
(who apparently had wicked cool coats back in the 70s) to hold her. i threw temper tantrums and smashed many glass babas on supermarket floors. after not very long, we moved to hackettstown, new jersey, to another little apartment. this one was next door to a bakery and soon after moving there, my brother
was born. i've been told that he was a wonderful baby who rarely cried and sucked on frozen bagels to keep occupied. after he was a few months old, we found out that the apartment was haunted (no, seriously) and shortly after that, my parents got divorced. my mom, brother and i moved to yet another
apartment. this one was across from my grandparents place and as a kid that was the best. my brother and i used to climb trees and play with toys




and soon my best friend moved to the neighborhood so it was a good time.