The Bookshelf of a Lonely Individual's Life
Excerpts from the Universal Chronicles of Jeff
The Antarcticans' Great Dispute :
'Twas the great philosopher Enerom who once philosophized that time is a complex equation on the complex plane that flies to Southern Antarctica when there are giant space worms that are digging holes in space (hence “wormholes”) because they are agitated since a really tiny water flea ate their delicious sandwiches made of broccoli and mayo which was, like, their last sandwich because Ultra Llama (a.k.a. K.U.L.) stole the rest of them which is essentially why wormholes are really big and also why the complex planes that travel to Southern Antarctica go through the wormholes, since sometimes human detectives go through the holes and try and find dinosauraus bones in the wormholes, which are really just big holes in the ground, not space, and so their really just emitting a lot of carbon dioxide and so that’s really bad which is why kids should do their homework, but then one of the worms got really hungry, so they ate the kids’ homework… and the kids, and then he spat them out all over northern Antarctica, which is why the southern Antarcticans be like “Yeah!”, but the northern ones really don’t like the southern ones now, so they waged a giant war that changes the course of the complex plane forever, and reversed all peoples so that they turned into jellyfish, but there were no seas, so the jellyfish tried to melt the icecaps, so then everyone got really mad at them and then the jellyfish mutated into a giant monster jellyfish, that was big, so big in fact that it died of dehydration within 2 nanoseconds, but the Antarcticans were still really mad so they tried to destroy the concept of mathematics for good, so that the jellyfish's legacy would be destroyed forever, but there was one jellyfish left, and his name was… Joe. So then Joe, being the most hated being within all of the
icecaps, stated “I’m going to defeat you!” and so he took out his giant stick, and poked all of the Antarcticans to death, which decreased the population dramatically. But then there was a giant UFO (Underlined Font Orange) that sucked up Joe, and then the space aliens demanded they tell them where the sandwiches were being kept. Joe, who was no longer in possession of his stick, was forced to tell the aliens about Ultra Llama’s secret base within the center of the earth, where he had all of the sandwich production facilities in one spot, and the closest place to the center of the planet was… the Underground Kingdom (Dimesion 3). So then the space aliens promised a small share of the sandwiches they would raid from Ultra Llama to Joe. But Joe knew that the mission would be impossible, for nobody had ever gotten into Ultra Llama’s base before, but he had no choice but to follow into their plan, for he would soon starve to death without the aliens’ assistance; and so the aliens, in their UFO, followed the way to the Underground Kingdom, and soon reached the center of the earth after tunnelling for about J nanoseconds, but Ultra Llama was already ready to confront them. The aliens stood no chance, and so they were all executed, except Joe, who was thrown into the Llama’s prison. Joe, who knew that his turn would be coming soon, escaped by transforming himself into a black hole and sucking up the entire base with him, in exchange for his soul. However, no matter how hard he tried, he could not pull Ultra Llama into the black hole, but instead drew in all of the broccoli and mayo sandwiches. ‘Noooooo!’ he cried, as he watched the sandwiches disappear… ‘twas Joe’s tears that formed a veil over the planet. ...And that’s why the sky is blue.
The (Shorter) Forgotten Tale of J.D.C.:
’Twas before the existence of a “universe”; one might refer to it, as the Source said, “Something my kind call a universe... in a time before that... or... ‘no time,’ because this place doesn’t have time.” There lived a single dog named Dooj in his great mansion, yearning for the days he spent with his friends before time ever existed. Although Dooj was never aware that, he always had a feeling that many things were strange in this world. He had visions of thriving cities with strange technology and many strange creatures in his mind, and his friends sometimes flickered when he looked at them in his dreams. This was because the pre-universe universe was very primitive, being only a thought of as the Great Source of Power as a child. As Dooj discovered his great powers, he also considered the thought of reviving his dead friends, or so he believed them to be...
Dooj is told by the GSP, who had been a shadow in the corner of his room the entire time, that he had never had friends in the first place, that they were a mere figment of his imagination. “Do not be dismayed my young lad, you can have actual friends,” the GSP reassured him, “All that you must do is train your powers so that you can create life.” And thereafter Dooj studied very hard calculus, chemistry, biology, quantum theory, physics, trigonometry, philosophy, mastered the art of swordsmanship, and became the greatest Poke-it-mon master from the books that the GSP summoned for him.
When he finished his lessons, Dooj was given the chance to test himself at creating life, but failed miserably. As a result, the GSP commanded Dooj to study even more, and stop skipping chapters; it was later found out that Dooj had skipped the most from his Biology book. ‘Twasn’t long before Dooj sought to redeem himself again in the GSP’s presence, and later completed an effortless task to prove himself worthy once more (see the Long Forgotton Tale of J.D.C.). With the permission to create life, he soon began the “tests.”
Dooj quietly snuck down into his secret basement, and assembled a complex ritual circle to get the task done, simply and cleanly. There, he collected all of the dust bunnies, and tried to bring them alive first. "Thunder!" he shouted, and cast a spell upon the group of dust particles packed together, then "Whoooooooosh!" The dust bunnies hopped out of the pile, and scattered around the room. "I... I did it!" Dood cried, and settled down again for the next test.