Episode 9

Snipin' Egyptians

PART ONE-

....That's the way, we became the Yami Bunch!!!

(A crudely drawn little paper Ishizu bobs onto the stage, which looks oddly like a little kid's puppet theater)

"Ishizu" (but obviously Mokuba in his highest pitched voice)- Hi everyone, welcome to the Yami bunch!! Today is the first installment of our first special 2 part series!!! This series is rated PG-13 for violence, crude humor, and sexual references. Make sure to tune in next week for the conclusio- AAHHHHHH!!! (The little paper Ishizu is knocked over by a much bigger real Ishizu, who begins rabidly chewing on it. The puppet theater collapses, revealing a terrified Mokuba.)

Ishizu (eyes practically popping out of her head)- Making a fake me and trying to host the show?!?! MUTINY I SAY!!

Mokuba *raises his hands submissively*- Ishizu, I just thought that the show should carry on; you were so dead drunk that you wouldn't host! I tried to find a substitute but-

Ishizu- WELL I'M HOSTING NOW, DAMMsIT, SO GET OUT OF MY CHAIR!!!!! *smoothes hair and voice returns to its normal soft state* Hello and welcome to the Yami Bunch-

Mokuba (from the safety of the back room)- Already said it!!

Ishizu- Damn you!!!!

Week 2, Day 2, 3:03 am, Yami Bunch Living Room-

The Evil Four were all sitting in front of a flickering TV, but the boys were the only ones awake. Emma is sleeping peacefully on Yami Bakura's shoulder while Stephanie is curled up in a little ball next to Marik. Both would have still been awake if it weren't for the strenuous planning (to kill Nestor of course) they had gone through that day. The boys were trying to have an argument over the remote, however, neither wanted to wake his koishii up. This resulted in a bit of a predicament.)

Marik (hushed tone)- Give me the remote Tomb Robber!!! (Yami Bakura completely ignores him) *Marik growls* Don't make me use this!! *raises rod*

Yami Bakura (doesn't break eye contact with the TV, just fingers his Ring)- Don't make me use this. *flashes a Happy Lover card*

Marik- *blink, gasp, shudder, shudder* Where did you get that?

Yami Bakura- Tea.

Marik- *eyebrows raise*

Yami Bakura- I'm a thief, it's what I do. I thought it might come in handy.

Marik (smile)- Funny thou should say that, for I also have acquired something that might make itself useful as well. *raises a formerly concealed box*

Yami Bakura (clearly not interested)- Is that so?

Marik- Indeed. *shakes box, which makes a strange rattling noise*

Yami Bakura *slowly turns head*- That better not be-

Marik- Oh, it 'tis.

Yami Bakura- But not-

Marik- Yes, Orville Redenbacher's "Movie Theater Butter" brand. Now, hand over the remote.

Yami Bakura (deadly whisper)- Never!

Marik- Fine. *prepares to impale box with his Rod*

Yami Bakura- No!!!!! (he says this a little louder then he should have. Emma stirs slightly, then relaxes and just tightens her grip on Yami Bakura's shirt. Both let out a small sigh of relief.)

Marik- Now, I suggest that we negotiate. The popcorn and this *raises huge box of sugar. Yami Bakura's eyes widen* for the remote and that wretched card.

Yami Bakura- Deal.

But little beknownst to the other, both are planning on cheating. As the switch off is about to be made, Yami Bakura lunges for the sugar as Marik grabbed for the remote. The result was that they both hit heads, sending the remote flying into the air. The two watched, as if in slow motion, the remote flying into the air. It was so high that it seemed to be about to enter orbit, then, time sped up, and it went crashing to the floor. Luckily for them, it landed on a pillow. *2nd sigh of relief* But that sigh soon turned to a collective gasp as the supposed cushion the remote landed on began to move feebly.

Marik- O my gods!

(Yami Bakura makes a sign that supposedly wards off evil)

"Pillow" (weakly)- Arru?

Yami Bakura *immediately grabs the remote, then steps on the "pillow"*- $%^# you Nestor!!

Marik (goes to kick him back to Pegasus's room, but suddenly seem to have an idea, and changes Nestor's course for Tea's room)- *smiles* Tea will be in for a surprise in the morning. *kicks Nestor* Burn in the Graveyard, low level monster!!!! Now, where were we?

Yami Bakura and Marik- (light of remembrance enters both of their eyes) Remote!!!

However, the remote has not faired as well as the seemingly indestructible Nestor. It now erratically changes channels, much to Yami Bakura and Marik's disgust.

Marik- What in Osiris's name?! (Blind Date turns on. Eyes widen. After watching the TV for 5 minutes, both are glued)

Yami Bakura- I should get Emma to try that.

Marik *nods in approval*- Whoa, I didn't know human tongues could be that long..

Yami Bakura- You'd be surprised-

Both- Dammit! (For the TV has now changed to-)

TV- "Time Life TV, Music of the 80's. All your favorite hits! Like "War, What is it Good For?"

(both grimace in disgust)

Marik- What kind of sick and twisted person would write that?

Yami Bakura- *shrugs*

TV- and "Walk Like an Egyptian" (unified smile as a girl on the TV does the Egyptian Walk)

Marik- Her lack of skill repulses me. I could do much better.

Yami Bakura- *snorts*

Marik (turns on him)- What, thou think thou could do better?!

Yami Bakura- I was around when they invented that dance, rookie!!!

Marik- Bring it on, old man!!!!

(Both glare daggers at each other as they do the dance). (Authors Note- Now that's something I would pay to see ^_^)

Yami Bakura (in mid lunge)- Pitiful. Yami Yugi could do better!!!

Marik (caught in the middle of a "snake rising from the jar" impersonation)- I am insulted by that on so many levels.

(The TV changes yet again, this time to a cheesy infomercial)

TV- -the most highly advanced water weapon EVER!!! (both freeze in mid position and slowly turn to the TV) The TURBO 0093 pulse action, laser sighted, 10 caliber, fully steel plated, tank equipped, UNBEATABLE water pistol!  (Little boy comes on screen with a water gun bigger then he is and begins spraying all the other little kids mercilessly with it. The other kids run away screaming.)

*Yami Bakura and Marik giggle*

TV- Have you ever wanted to be a better bully?

Both- Yes!

TV- Have you ever wanted to find a loophole in the law that allows you to beat the living crap out of an innocent person without getting arrested?

Both- (in a higher pitch) Yes!!!

TV- Do you currently live in a conditioned TV show home where your mean host/hostess has taken away all of your favorite weapons and you now need a new one to get rid of the imbeciles that surround you?

Both- (dog whistle tone) YES!!!

TV- Then order the T0093PaLs10CFsPteUNBEATABLEH20Pistol now!!! Call 1-800- KILL-NOW!!! Note- not a real gun.

Both gently extract their other, then make a mad but silent dash to the phone. However, as Yami Bakura's legs were longer, he reached it first. He quickly sidesteps, making Marik over judge his distance. He accidentally runs right past Yami Bakura into the closet, a closet which Yami Bakura quickly locks him in.

Yami Bakura (banging sounds in the background)- I want one of those guns. The dangerous ones.

Phone Operator (in a Southern drawl)- Do you mean the T0093PaLs -

Yami Bakura- *impatiently* Yes, yes! Just give it to me!!

Phone operator (simpering laugh)- Now now sir, it will take 3 weeks for shipping and handling (pauses at hearing pounding and strangled curses, then continues) and will cost five easy payments of $29.95.

Yami Bakura- You will have it here tomorrow morning, and you'll give me a discount, unless you would like to know how it feels to have your soul ripped from your beating heart. *smiles at the operator's silence*

Phone operator- *obviously making it up as she went along* Congratulations Sir. You are our.... fourteenth caller. You get a gun free!!! And we will have it there immediately!!! Sir. *she adds quickly*

Yami Bakura- My most profound gracias. *smiles and opens the door, which Marik is now trying to ram. He runs through with more force then he intended, skidding to a stop. Yami Bakura dodges the punch aimed at him.*

Phone operator- Hi, I'm Julie, what would you like to orde- (Millennium Rod glows, and the operator gains soulless eyes) It will be there tomorrow Master Marik.

Marik (still frowning at Yami Bakura)- Perfect.

~*~*~*Week 2, Day 3, 11:05 a.m.~*~*~*

Joey- It's about time! (Marik and Stephanie have just entered the crowded kitchen. Marik's hair is a little messy (kawaii!!!!) Yami Bakura is looking very groggy, if not delirious, and Emma has a slightly annoyed look on her face, which Marik and Stephanie weren't sure resulted from misbehavior on Yami Bakura's part or if it were that the stench of Joey's cooking was reaching her. Tea and Yugi were making disgusting lovey noises in the corner and Mai applying mascara jauntily in her chair. Tristan is trying to feed Serenity, but keeps missing her mouth as he stares at Pegasus lovingly, who is having a conversation with his sock puppet about how great macaroni is. When Emma sees Stephanie, she quickly motions for her to come over.)

Emma- Steph, I think the boys have gone and bought some new weapons without getting us in on it!!!

Stephanie (immediately turning on Marik, who looks genuinely afraid)- Is this true, beloved?

Marik- Errrrr. (He is spared from answering by the ringing of the doorbell. Yami Bakura immediately snaps out of his daze and bolts to the door, knocking Bakura and Duke over in the process. Marik is right on his heels, while the girls follow to see what must be a great new weapon)

(Yami Bakura answers the door)

Delivery Man Joe- Hi, my name is Joe and I'm an honorary member of the Post Squa-

Yami Bakura *grabs boxes*- Whatever. (slams the door in his face. He throws one package to Marik and rabidly begins trying to open his own. The tape is posing a problem for him.)

Yami Bakura- Damn you, you stupid *cusses in ancient Egyptian* box!!! (begins violently hitting it on the floor)

Emma *sighs*- Here anata, let me try. (Yami Bakura hands her the box, which she swiftly cuts open with her knife) Now, what have we here.? (pulls out a neon green Super Soaker and looks to her love with a look of mingled curiosity and fear for answers)

Yami Bakura- It's so beautiful.. *nuzzles gun*

Emma *worriedly feels his forehead*- Steph, I think my thief might have caught something.. Maybe its prolonged separation from his flamethrower.

Stephanie looks to Marik, who has now sufficiently mutilated his box to where he can free the gun. (It's neon blue) Marik raises it to eye level, with a look that clearly states how Christmas had come early to him. (well Christmas, or the Feast of Sacrifice to Ra)

Steph- It seems Marik hast caught it also. *sighs as Marik and Yami Bakura run to the sink to fill them up, both nudging each other out of the way to get their gun filled up first) Well, does thou want to go torture Joey or something?

Emma- Yes, maybe his pained screams will take my mind off of my love's condition.

-------3:03 pm, Yami Bunch Living Room/ Nile River Offensive Base 1------

After eating quite a few bowls of Emma's sugar coated popcorn and watching the "Star Wars" on TV (at the suggestion of Marik; Darth Vader is his idol), the guys are feeling in the mood for inventing creative new ways of cruelty. Yami Bakura and Marik have successfully made the living room into a formidable base; they have moved all the furniture into a semicircle and are now hiding behind it. They have also stolen Pegasus's Roger Rabbit walkie talkies and are talking "in code" to each other)

Yami Bakura- Attention Dark Puppeteer, target is approaching location A. Prepare to attack, over.

Marik- Roger that, Sailor Snow, moving into position, over. *He crawls to the end table*

Yami Yugi is climbing down the stairs in a chipper mood. Now that he and Tea had made up, all he saw were little red hearts bouncing around his head. In fact, he was going to meet Tea downstairs at that moment.

Yami Bakura- I have a shot! I'm takin' it!

Marik- Patience there Captain! Wait for reinforcements, over! (Marik scurries to the chair and crouches behind it, with Yami Bakura behind the sofa on his right.) All is clear, code green, I repeat code green! Fire at will!

(This statement is followed by a rapid succession of pulsing water. Yami Yugi is takin completely unawares.)

Yami Yugi- What the-? (water wets the front of his new leather pants (Author's Note- squeaky!! ^_~ ), making it look as if he might have urinary myotosis.)

Yami Bakura- Direct Hit!!! Attention Dark Puppeteer, Sailor Snow needs to reload. Request permission for cover fire, over.

Marik- Affirmative Sailor, covering now, over.

(Yami Bakura ducks behind the couch and rapidly pumps his gun as Marik takes another shot at Yami Yugi.) (Water hits Yugi's hair, which immediately begins to melt.)

Yami Yugi- I'm melting!!! I'm melting!! This hair gel is water-soluble!!! (runs in his eyes) Ah my eyes!! It burns, it burns!!! HOLY FREAKING RA IT BURNS!!!!!!

Marik- Attention Sailor Snow, Dark Puppeteer has successfully disarmed the target. Send in Ground Team immediately over.

Yami Bakura- Roger that Dark Puppeteer, Ground Team is dispatched, over.

(Both warily run out of the "base", gag and hogtie Yugi, then reenter, dragging the screaming "prisoner" behind them. 5 minutes go by in abnormal silence)

(Tea comes running out of the kitchen)

Tea- Yami, is that you?

Yami Bakura- Attention citizen. You have entered a no good guy zone. Leave now or face an immediate offensive. You have 5 seconds to comply.

Tea- Wha-? Yami? (looks around for the source of the voice)

Marik- One. Two. Five!!! OPEN FIRE!!!

Tea (screams and tries to cover her face as the water balls hit her)- Where... is... Yami... you. crazy... Egyptians?!?

Marik- That's Captain Crazy Egyptians to you, irritating hoe of Pharaoh Wets-His-Pants-Alot!!

Tea- Why you- (attempts to move the chair and "enter" the base)

Yami Bakura- Red Alert, I repeat Red Alert! Breach on the northern wall, over!

Marik- Concentrate fire on the northern flank, give it all you've got, over!

Yami Bakura- Roger that.

(Tea spots Yami's bent shape in the corner and makes a beeline for it)

Marik- Attention SS, the enemy is attempting to recapture the hostage. Prevent at all costs, over.

(Yami Bakura carefully takes aim and hits Tea right in the face. Tea screams and falls over as if hit by a bazooka)

Marik- Nice shot Sailor!

Yami Bakura- I didn't go to the University of Egypt for 4 years, majoring in "How to be an Evil Villain" for four years for nuthin! Over. *he adds quickly*

(Tea runs out screaming, "Help me guys, the rabid Egyptians are assaulting me!!")

Marik- She's on the run, repeat, she's retreating!!!

Yami Bakura- Victory!!!

But it isn't over yet. Tea is gathering all of her friends to go rescue Yami..

Emma- Psst, remember our secret? DID YOU TELL?!? >_<! This is where Stephanie starts writing. *Stephanie appears from the corner and makes strange clucking noises* O_O What? The monkeys have broken through the shield of protection of our minds, bordering the brink of insanity?!? Yay!!!

Emma- Uh, maybe she isn't well enough to write at the moment...oh well!

PART 2-

Tea emerges back into the living room, with Tristen, Mai, Bakura, Pegasus, Nestor, Serenity, Duke, and a half-asleep Joey who is slumped over Mai's shoulder.

Marik- Sailor Snow, a rescue team has been dispatched to take our hostage, over!

Yami Bakura- That's an affirmative. We need back-up ammunition Dark Puppeteer.

Marik- I'll get the heavy artillery. (pulls out a Star Wars light saber)

Yami Bakura- I don't think a plastic stick with a light bulb inside it is gonna help us in this war crisis, over!

Marik (looking hurt)- It's a collectable light saber from Star Wars!!! It's used by my idol, Darth Vader! How can thou say it's just a stick, Sailor Snow?! IT'S REAL TO ME!!!

Yami Bakura- It may be real to you, but I don't think it will help us in battle. Over.

Marik- Oh, and thou have a better idea?!

Tea- Now's our chance to pulverize them while they're distracted! If we attack them from the back with Mai and Duke, then plan a sneak attack ninety degrees of their fortress, we can use our armaments to eradicate the northwest side of our target. (Everyone looks at her as if she's gone completely insane and wondering how she knows all of this war strategy...awkward silence.) We'll also need some camouflage so that the adversary doesn't see us---

Mai- I'm not wearing camouflage! It's not even fashionable! And besides, I don't think we could find anything that matches the living room floor.

Serenity- We're in the living room?!

Tea- Oh, whatever. I guess we'll just do what we always do in situations like these and have no plan whatsoever to save us, relying on our pitiful friendship and trying to make good morals out of a story that doesn't have any. *shrugs* CHARGE, MY MINDLESS MINIONS!!!

Yami Bakura and Marik look up from their argument to observe what is happening only to see Pegasus get out a miniature catapult, Mai grab her hair curler, Duke swinging a tennis racket recklessly around, Bakura coming toward Yami Bakura with a Petit Angel card, Joey sucking his thumb and sleeping on the couch, Tea drawing out an elaborate plan on a piece of paper to attack Marik and Yami Bakura, and Tristen coming toward Yami Yugi with his hair pointed downward. Serenity unknowingly steps out in front of him, and the point of Tristen's hair collides with her eyes, permanently blinding her.

Pegasus- Seize, fire! (Loads the catapult up with macaroni and fires it at Marik who gets a full face. Joey wakes up and frantically starts engulfing the entire catapult just because it has macaroni on it)

Marik- Thou willst pay for that, Peggie-boy! *jumps out and repeatedly hits Pegasus with his light saber, which seems to be not working*

Pegasus- Noooooooo! MY NAME IS MAXAROONI!!!! *Launches his body at Marik, but Yami Bakura blocks the attack and starts squirting his millennium eye.* Ahhh, my metal eye is rusting!!! Save me Nestor!

Marik- Thou have saved me! Thank you Sailor Snow!

Yami Bakura- Save your praise for later! Get the millennium rod, and use it now! I'll hold off Pegasus while you get it. Hurry, we don't have much time Dark Puppeteer! Their army is closing in on us! *Marik runs to get it, only to be beaten by Tea*

Tea- Ha! I got it before you did! Stay back, or else I'll use it against you! *Marik hesitates*

Marik- Thou wouldn't. Thou do not even possess the knowledge of how to use such a sinister instrument.

Tea- You think so? Well watch and learn as I make you my servant! Abra Kadabra! (Duke suddenly appears at Tea's side with soulless eyes, muttering, "Master Tea, master Tea.")

Marik (evil laughter)- Art thou trying to pose a threat to me? I donst think Duke willst be much assistance to thou if thou intend to use him against me.

Suddenly Mai lashes out at Marik with her hot curling rod in her hand, but the cord is too short and holds her back)

Mai- Damn cord! It's too short! Oh well, it's still hot so I can use it without it being plugged in. (Pulls the cord out of the wall and touches the back of Marik's hand which is tightly grasping his millennium rod, with the metal of the curling rod. He releases the rod in pain.)

Marik- Ahhh! F$%# thou!!! (angrily grabs the curling iron and throws it out the window)

Mai- My curling iron!!! Noooo! (jumps out the two-story window after it)

As Mai leaps out the window, Marik sees Yami Bakura being tortured in the corner with Nestor and the Petit Angel card that Bakura has. He grabs his water gun and starts mercilessly shooting at Nestor and Bakura.

Marik- Art thou okay, Sailor Snow? *Yami Bakura shudders, opens his mouth, then shuts it as if unable to speak*

Marik- What have thou done to him, Bakura?!

Bakura- I was just telling him how much I love him and showing him my favorite card. Nestor likes him too, I think. *giggle*

Marik- Oh my gods! How did he live through that?! Yami Bakura, speak to me! Please, don't go good-guy on me!

Yami Bakura (eyes glazed over) -love is good....be kind to others..world peace..do good for all mankind..oranges.

Marik- Noooooo! You're evil Yami Bakura! Snap out of it! You're evil!

Bakura- He's a good-guy now. He won't listen to your spiteful pleas. *smiles innocently*

Marik *grabs Bakura's shoulders and starts vigorously shaking him*- Turn him back to normal this instant, or I'll force him to send thou back to the soul room, where thou belong!

Bakura- I-I-I can't. He has to be r-reminded of his evil self if you really want t-to make him evil a-again. Oh please don't let me go back there Marik! I'll do anything! You don't know what it's like in there, hearing my Yami's sick twisted thoughts everyday! It's torture!

Marik- I've got an idea. Don't thou dare try anything stupid while I'm gone. Thou know what willst become of thou if you do. *Bakura nervously gulps as Marik goes into the kitchen, but then walks up to Tea when he's out of sight.*

Bakura- Tea, I know how to beat them. We need to give them love, hugs, and kisses. They'll go ballistic. I know it will work. Gather everyone together, and tell them. Quickly! *Tea nods and begins taking to everyone while Marik enters with a bag of popcorn and starts waving it around by Yami Bakura's nose*

Yami Bakura- Is that--*sits up abruptly* SUGAR-COATED POPCORN!!!! *starts eating it manically*

Tea- Hey Marik and Yami Bakura, guess what time it is?

Yami Bakura- Don't bother me, I'm eating.

Pegasus- Group huggy-wuggy time! *Yami Bakura drops his popcorn. Both he and Marik are stricken with sudden fear.*

Just as everyone starts toward Yami Bakura and Marik with open arms and blowing kisses, two figures swiftly enter the room and block them.

Emma- Stay away from them!

Steph- Don't thou dare step any closer!

Duke- Oh? And what could two petty girls like you do to me if I do happen to step any closer?

Emma- I have a flamethrower, and I'm not afraid to use it....especially on your hair, Duke. *Duke's eyes grow wide as he tensely smoothes out his hair*

Tristen- Fine, we won't hug you if Yami Yugi is set free. Deal?

Steph- Hand over the rod first Tea. (Tea gives the rod over without a fight, then proceeds to Yami Yugi to untie the intricate knots bound around his body)

Emma- Come. We must go, beloved. But don't you dare think you've defeated us just yet. I assure you that the next time you'll regret ever fighting us. I promise you that. (Leaves the room that is now strewn in macaroni and Yami Yugi's hair gel.)

Mokuba- Oh come on! I wanted some blood and gore here!

Ishizu- Yeah, kinda disappointing, eh? *hic*

Mokuba- Well maybe we could have more blood on the show if you wouldn't have taken their weapons away! Lemme have a swig o' dat beer, Ishizu.

Ishizu- I only took the weapons away, because we had to make sure the safety of the test subjects on the show. Don't blame me; it was on the contract. Here's some whiskey instead. You'll like it better.

Mokuba- Hey this is pretty tasty. Anyway, are you going to put any more commercials on the TV? That super soaker one really caught the evil guy's attention, didn't it?

Ishizu- I'm not really sure, but I think I might make the next one aimed toward the good-hearted people on the show. I think it's sort of amusing to have the good guys have the advantage over the evil ones. Maybe I'll advertise something that the evil couples will be horrified about.

Mokuba- A tutu?

Ishizu- Goods thinking, Mokuba. We make a good team. Cheers! (bang whiskey bottles together and drink happily)