Absense Of Fear
Author: Adrian Alaina Email: [email protected] Note: The song "Absence Of Fear", however, I do own all the songs at the end or near the end of each chapter. Jewel Kilcher owns "Absence Of Fear" of which this story is named and of which is used at the end of the Epilogue. Author's Note : If you never watched season two of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" or you just aren't up to date, here's the sitch : "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" is in it's fourth season right now. In my story we are going back in time and are still in the second season. ( I liked that time. ) In the second season, Buffy turned seventeen and she and Angel made love. The gypsy curse that was set upon Angel was broken when they did this because he achieved a moment of true happiness ( don't ask, just don't even think about asking. ) Now, in my little world that wreaks havoc on the people I hate ( especially Buffy's mother ) Angel and his demon form Angelus are the same person. I mean, think about it. If they both fall in love with Buffy and both act the same way, then they most likely have to be - Um... I'm getting ahead of the story. Just read! Rating: NC - 17.
Prologue : Ache The Graveyard February 15, 1998 Buffy sat on a gravestone and sighed. There were no vamps out, but Giles had told her to stay anyway. He did, however, warn her to be careful and to not stay out too late. Angel would be watching her and Buffy knew he probably was right then. As usual, she thought sadly. In four days, a month would have passed since the time that Angel had lost his soul. Buffy's prediction was that he would show up and rub her nose in it. He'd most likely taunt her, call her lover, remind her of the night they had made love; she'd be strong though. It wouldn't always be this way. Angel would come back to her somehow. She could dream, couldn't she? Buffy stood up and began pacing the ground. She was so restless lately. She didn't know why. She just couldn't seem to sit still. She had a bad feeling about something and it made her more nervous than she liked. It's okay, Buff, she thought to herself. It's just a feeling. It'll go away. Most of them do. "Most of them do," she repeated aloud. Her thoughts had sprang into a different conflict. Would her love for Angel ever go away? In some ways she wanted it to, but in others, she didn't think she'd be able to live without her love for him burning inside of her heart and soul. He made her feel complete and when she wasn't near him, there was an emptiness inside of her. It was an aching that she didn't want. She just had to be near him. It didn't matter that it was the demon part of him she encountered now. She still loved him. With another sigh, she began to walk out of the graveyard. He wasn't coming. "Where are you going, lover?" Then again, maybe he was. Buffy stopped in her tracks and turned around. "I was just leaving since you wanted to be a chicken and not show yourself. That's all." Angelus laughed. "Think you could learn another pun?" Buffy glared. "What do you want?" "Nothing much," Angelus said, walking closer to her. "I'm just feeling pretty lonely right now. Think maybe we could - " "Don't go there." The demon laughed. It was so much fun to taunt her. She wasn't as strong as she thought she was. She was weak and he was more than willing to take advantage of that. "What, Buff? Don't tell me you thought that night was good. I certainly didn't." Buffy fought back tears. "Stop. That wasn't you." "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Angelus asked. "I was there, Buff." He sighed and smiled. "You sucked. No pun intended." That was all he had to do to break her. She hung her head and began to cry. Angelus simply laughed softly. It was too easy. "Aw, Buffy. Don't cry." He reached out and stroked her cheek. "You've just got to get around." Buffy slapped his hand away and began to back away. She wanted to run, but her legs wouldn't let her. "Don't you ever touch me again," she hissed. "That isn't what you said on your birthday," Angelus mumbled in a sing - song voice. "Stop, please," Buffy pleaded softly. "Please, Angel, stop it. This isn't you." "Why are you begging? You're boyfriend's dead. You killed him, remember?" Buffy's tears grew heavier as she gazed at him. It wasn't Angel. She knew that. But she still thought, that maybe if she pleaded enough, he'd come out and say how sorry he was and want to be with her again. "Please, baby..." "Please, what?" "I - I love you. Don't do this to me, please." Angelus smirked and then began to laugh. Buffy just looked down at the ground as she cried. "Call me when you feel up to some bumping," Angelus taunted as he walked off into the night. Buffy fell to the ground and wrapped her arms around herself. I should have listened to you I should have promised myself to wait But you wanted me and I wanted you Now I'm left with this emptiness and ache - Sunrise Chapter One : Flames Sunnydale High School The Next Day Buffy walked into the library to the sounds of Willow coughing. The slayer set her bag down on the counter and walked over to sit by her friend. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly. Willow managed to answer in a raspy voice, "I've got the twenty - four hour." "I had that a few weeks ago. It seems to be going around. So, if you've got it then what are you doing her at school?" "Mom made me come. She said I should just shake it off." "Oh, my poor Willow," said Buffy, as she layed her head on her friend's shoulder. Willow began to cough again and looked at Buffy. "Are you sure you should be near me? You could get it, too, you know." Buffy sighed. "Like it would really matter." Willow sat up straight causing Buffy to do the same. "Talk to me," she ordered in hoarse voice. "No, Willow. You're sick and you shouldn't be talking and I - " "Tell." "I met up with Angel last night." "What did he do?" Buffy fumbled her fingers together and gazed down at her hands. "More like what he said," she answered softly. "Oh, no." "No, Will, I'm okay. I was a little torn there for a minute, yeah, but...I got over it." Willow shook her head, seeing straight through her best friend. "No. You didn't get over it. Don't let him get to you, Buffy. He's not the same Angel that you knew and loved." Buffy sighed heavily again. She knew that Willow was right, but it didn't help much. The point was, Angelus was still there and she couldn't help but think of him as her love. "I know. But...I can't stop loving him. I just can't do it. Every night...I get ready for bed and tell myself 'Tomorrow night will different. He'll come back to you and say how sorry he is.' But it never happens." Willow offered the girl a sad smile and embraced her. Buffy held onto her tightly. It comforted her to know that she had someone there for her. "Uh, Buffy?" "Yeah?" "I'm about to lose consciousness." Buffy pulled away. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." "No problem. So, are you going to slay tonight?" Willow asked. Buffy shrugged. "I dunno. I really don't want to. I just want to stay at home and sulk away." "Ah, Buffy," Giles said, walking out of his office. "I need you to patrol tonight." "Then again, maybe I'll patrol." "Ah, good 'ol graveyard," Buffy quipped to herself. "Gee, it's nice to have something to look forward to every night." "You don't sound too thrilled," a voice said from behind. Buffy turned around to see Xander and Cordelia behind her. Both were holding crosses and stakes. Buffy smiled. "What are you guys doing here?" Cordelia rolled her eyes and pointed to Xander. "Don't ask me. He's the one who drug me out here." She folded her arms and sat on a gravestone. "So, what are you guys doing here?" Buffy repeated, turning to Xander. "Look, Buff," Xander began,"I know why you've been tense lately. Angel's probably gonna start moving on up in hurting you because - " "In three days, it's been one month since I killed him," Buffy finished softly. "Yeah. But, Buffy, you didn't kill him. Angel's in there somewhere. It wasn't your fault." "He's right. It's not your fault the two of you got fleshy," Cordelia said, checking her nails at the same time. "Honey, you're not helping!" Xander called. He turned back to Buffy. "Do you understand what I mean?" Buffy looked at him for a few moments. She knew what he was saying, but she didn't believe him. She made Angel lose his soul. She killed him. That's what she believed. Finally, she nodded her head. "I know, Xander." Xander gave her a sad smile. He couldn't stand to see his friend in pain. He wanted nothing more than to kill Angel, but he wasn't going to say anything like that. It would just hurt Buffy more. "Good." "Could you do me a favor?" Buffy asked. "Sure." "Could you two go to the Bronze? Oz's band is playing there tonight and Willow mentioned that she was going to go. I don't want her to be there all alone." "Are you sure you're going to be okay?" She nodded her head. "Positive." "Okay," Xander said reluctantly. "Hey, Cordy, c'mon. We're going to the Bronze." "Finally! A place for the living!" Cordelia stood and ran after her boyfriend. Buffy just laughed softly to herself. Even if her love life wasn't working out, she was glad that her friends' were. "C'mon, Angel," she whispered into the air. "I know you're out here. Stop hiding from me." "But it's so fun." Buffy clenched her fists and looked beside her. He was standing just a few feet away. She couldn't help but gaze at him. The black silk shirt, the leather pants, the black duster; nothing about what he wore was Angel. But his face, his eyes, his hands - everything about him - was Angel and it killed her to know it. "Why's it so fun?" she asked. "Because I get to do this," he answered. Buffy didn't know what he meant until he kicked her hard in the knee. She fell to the ground and hit her head hard on a rock. "C'mon, Buff. Stop lying on your back when it comes to me." The slayer glared at him and jumped out, holding her stake in her hand. "You ready?" "Very, very ready." He punched her, she blocked it, and the fight began. Buffy fought like she had never fought before. She punched him, she kicked him. She did everything she could think of to hurt him. Rage was built up inside of her. With every hit and kick she gave him, the worse her rage became. Angelus laughed at her. This was exactly the way he had planned it to be. He could carry out his plan for the night now. Buffy kicked him in the leg and he fell flat on his back. She pounced on him and held her stake in the air, ready to kill him. To her surprise, Angelus began to laugh. "Do you think this is funny?" she asked through gritted teeth. Angelus stopped laughing and smiled. He reached up and gently pulled Buffy's stake away from her. She didn't stop him and she didn't know why not. "You don't want to do that," he said in a whisper. Buffy swallowed hard, not knowing what he was doing. Angelus had to control himself from not laughing. Everything was going perfectly. He threw the stake and Buffy watched it hit a tree. Something told her to run - to get away from him. But she wouldn't. She couldn't. "Do you remember your birthday?" Angelus asked. Buffy shook her head and was about to rise off of him when he grabbed her wrist. He didn't grab fiercely, though. He grabbed it gently. Much like the way lovers did when they held hands. Buffy had to stop and tell herself for a moment that this wasn't Angel because it felt so much like him. Angelus reached up to stroke her hair, her face, and then her lips. Buffy tried not to, but she kissed his fingers softly. Every action was Angel. And even though she knew it was the demon, couldn't she just pretend that it was her lover, her life even for just a few minutes? Angelus' hands traveled to her shoulders where they slowly removed her leather jacket. Underneath, she wore a white, see - through tank top. A feeling of desire rose up in the vampire. It was feeling he was not too thrilled in having. "What are you doing?" Buffy asked as a shiver ran up her spine, along with Angelus' hands. Angelus didn't answer. He slipped his hand under her top and stroked the small of her back. She let out a small gasp, causing him to smile. Then, he let his hands travel slowly to her hips. She was so small. So fragile. Angelus almost felt sorry for what he was about to do to her. Almost. "Angel..." Angelus pulled her down to him and she kissed his lips. He returned each one she gave. And then, their kisses grew deeper. This wasn't what Angelus had planned. This wasn't what he had sought out to do. But he couldn't stop himself. She was so beautiful. Anyone, even the ones who hated her just as he did, had to admit that. Buffy bent lower to his body and kissed the hollow of his neck. Angelus felt himself shudder. What was she doing to him? What was it that he was feeling for her? Buffy didn't know how, but she found herself laying down with Angelus on top of her, planting kisses onto her neck. She held his head there for a few seconds and sighed. A feeling of deja vu swept over her, although she didn't know why. She had made love with Angel, not Angelus. Was what he said true? Was he there in spirit on the night of her birthday? Angelus lifted her back up to him and pulled her top over her head, revealing her white silk bra. He had to stop himself from carrying her off to the factory. He wanted her more than anything and, the scary thing was, he couldn't explain why. They stared at each other for a few moments. Thoughts ran wildly in Buffy's head. Were they going to have sex right then and there in the cemetery? Was he just doing this to hurt her? Why was she wanting him to touch her? Slowly, she pulled his lips down to hers and kissed him with a passion she didn't know she had. Angelus felt her hands come under his duster and slide it off of his shoulders. She wasn't nervous. He could see that clearly now. He saw it even more clearly when she began to unbutton his shirt and plant kisses on his chest. What are you doing? Angelus' mind screamed. Are you crazy?! You're supposed to hurt her! Not touch her! Buffy had to shake her own thoughts away. This isn't Angel. Stop pretending that is! He doesn't love you! He just wants to kill you! Can't you see that?! Angelus made of trail of kisses across her flesh and held her tightly. He didn't want this. He was supposed to try and kill her. Not tonight, however. He just seemed to want her and for that, he wanted to kill himself. Stop it, Buffy's mind whispered as she felt Angelus kiss and bite gently on her stomach. Make him stop. Make yourself stop. "No," she managed to gasp out. "Stop..." Angelus looked at her in surprise. Maybe he was surprised that she had stopped him or maybe he was surprised that he had stopped himself. He got himself together and laughed. Buffy simply stared at him in confusion. "What's so funny?" "It just amazes me...that you're so much of a slut that you'd have sex in a graveyard," he hissed. Buffy stiffened. "We didn't have sex." "Yeah. But you gotta admit..." He leaned down to her ear and whispered,"You wanted to," before gently biting on her neck. Buffy gasped and dug her nails into his back. Angelus just smiled to himself as he started to kiss her neck again. Buffy felt his hands travel to her back. For a minute there, she thought he was going to literally rip off her bra, but he didn't. Instead, he picked her up and began to carry her away from the graveyard. And she held onto him willingly. Angel's Apartment Angelus set the slayer down as he opened the door to his old apartment. Or rather, Angel's old apartment. Buffy looked up at him with wide eyes, wondering what he was going to do to her next. He answered her unasked question by kissing her passionately on the lips and picking her up. As he carried her over to the bed, Buffy felt herself flying away. It didn't matter that this wasn't her Angel. He was the next best thing. Even if he was a cold - hearted, soul - less demon. Angelus layed her down on to the bed and layed himself on top of her. She reached up and slid his shirt off of him. He kissed her on the lips and then down to her stomach. "We left our clothes in the graveyard," Buffy said as a moan escaped her mouth. Angelus went back up to her mouth. "You'll get over it," he whispered before forcing his tongue into her mouth. She moaned again and caressed his tongue with her own. Once again, she felt his hands slide behind her back, only to retreat down to her hips. Before she knew it, he had removed her pants and they were lying beside his shirt in a pile on the floor. Angelus began to kiss the soft flesh of her thigh and a moan escaped her mouth. He smiled at what he was doing to her. He could make her go over the edge in a matter of seconds if he wanted to. That was how much power he had over her. And he planned on using that power in every way possible to get what he wanted. True, his entire plan had been to kill her and leave her as a gag gift for her friends, but plans sometimes change, don't they? Buffy held his head at the place on her thigh and closed her eyes tightly. Her hands were shaking almost uncontrollably and she had to hold onto his shoulders just to keep them still. It occurred to her quickly that she was nervous, although she didn't know why. She had been touched by the same hands. She had felt the same body over hers. She had felt the same lips on her skin. It was just a different person. If she kept telling herself it was Angel - Her Angel - then she'd be okay. Everything would be okay. Right? Buffy brought his lips back up to hers and kissed him tenderly. Please him, a voice whispered inside of him. Make him come back for more. A sly smile crossed Buffy's face and Angelus caught it. He nearly laughed out loud at the way she was acting. She was actually going to give herself to him, knowing he wouldn't be there in the morning. It made Angelus feel powerful. Buffy slowly reached up to caress his face and his lips before her hands traveled to his pants. She held her hands there for a few seconds, causing Angelus to groan. She smiled to herself and began to unzip and unbutton his pants. Within moments, they were beside her own on the floor. Angelus quickly unfastened her bra and threw it on the floor. He then started to kiss and suckle on her nipples. Buffy's body arched towards his at this moment and he held her in place. Buffy kissed him long and hard on the lips. She was tired of waiting. "Do you want to?" she asked, almost so quietly that you could not hear her. The demon over her nodded his head in response. He was going to be gentle with her, make her feel like a princess, and then leave her. He had to hurt her. But all he wanted to do was love her. Buffy reached down and pulled his boxers down. Angelus managed to remove them the rest of the way without losing control and taking her right then. The nervousness Buffy had felt in moments before this one started to disappear. She knew when she woke up he probably would be gone and the next time they saw each other, they'd get into a fight to the death; But she didn't care. Angelus kissed her stomach just above her panties as he pulled them down and off of her. The two stared at each other for a few seconds. There was no sound in the room except Buffy's heavy breathing. Before she knew it, Angelus thrusted into her, quickly and with ease. Buffy gasped out loud at the sudden pain that ran through her body. Tears began to blur her eyes, but, surprisingly, Angelus wiped them away and kiss the side of her face. She didn't know why he was being gentle and she wasn't sure she wanted to know. Angelus didn't move for moments. Something told him to be careful with her. She was like glass. She could break if you handled her too hard, or too roughly. For some reason, he didn't want her to break. Buffy reached up and kissed him, giving him silent permission to continue. He did. Slowly, at first, but gradually building up speed. Buffy felt herself going over the edge. A loud moan escaped her lips and she tried to keep another one from coming out. She was in a flurry of emotions and, right then, she didn't want him to know what he was doing to her. Truth was, he was giving pleasure she hadn't had since the night she made love with Angel. Angelus looked down at her and saw her try and swallow back a moan. He didn't know why she was doing this. He just wanted to know he was pleasing her. He bit gently down on her neck and a slight moan came from her. Angelus began to pump harder into her, making her hold on tightly to his shoulder. He whispered into her ear,"Just let it go, baby." She came at that moment. It was too much for her. This was so much different from when Angel had made soft love to her. This time was way different. While Angel was slow, Angelus was fast. Angel was gentle. Angelus was somewhat. When it came to being in her, he was a tad over the gentle side, but not by much. Her orgasm soon passed and was replaced by heavy breaths coming from her. Angelus bit down on her breasts, causing her to again seize his shouders in an effort to control her emotions. Angelus placed his forehead on hers and continued his drive into her. Their ragged breaths were the only sounds in the room for a few seconds until Angelus finally asked what he had been wondering so about. "What are you doing?" he asked between heavy pants. Buffy nearly shrieked out as she layed her head back onto the pillow behind her and shut her eyes tightly. Angelus gazed at her neck and kissed her again. "Why are you holding back?" Buffy thought tears were about to come as she called out his name. His name! Not Angel's! She had no earthly idea why she was calling out Angelus' name. Her whole idea had been to pretend that it was Angel, so that she could have maybe a few minutes of peace. Upon hearing his name called, Angelus nearly dropped dead - no pun intended. She was honestly realizing that it was him who was loving her at that moment. He pushed even harder into her, feeling her nails dig into his back. She looked up at him with wide eyes and shook her head. "I - I can't..." Angelus cut her off as he kissed her throat. She breathed in deeply and stroked his back. "I can't," she repeated. "Angel... I - " "Forget about him for now," Angelus whispered as he placed his forehead back on hers. Buffy shook her head as tears blurred her eyes. "I can't. Angel... please." Angelus took in what she was saying. She wanted him to stop making love to her. If making love to each other was what they were really doing at all. Neither one of them knew exactly. Buffy took deep breaths as Angelus began to stop. Relief poured through her along with disappointment. She didn't want him to stop and emotions she had held back were still in her. The only reason she wanted to stop was because she felt like she was betraying Angel. Angelus stroked her cheek gently and made of trail of kisses from her lips down to her waist. Buffy gripped onto him and moaned softly. Angelus smiled to himself as a thought sprang into his mind. His trail of kisses went lower down to her center. Buffy's eyes, which had been shut for only a few seconds, sprang open. "Angelus, what are you - " He didn't give her time to finish her question. He slipped his tongue inside of her and she gasped loudly. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't done yet. He lifted his head to look at her. She gazed at him in a way she had never done before. It was a gaze of longing. A gaze of wanting. He tilted his head back down to kissing her thighs and then looked back up at her. "Do you honestly want me to stop?" he asked. Buffy shook her head. "No." Angelus moved his body back over hers and the two stared at each other. He pushed a damp curl out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She smiled at him and ran her fingers through his hair. "Let it go this time," he said. She nodded her head, not caring anymore. Angelus kissed her passionately on her lips as he entered her again. Buffy moaned in his mouth as she felt the slight pain from before. He didn't wait this time. As soon as he was in her, he began to move. Slowly and then faster. Buffy tightened her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck and back. Soft moans began to escape her lips and fill the room. Angelus couldn't stand it any longer. He wanted to hear her scream and cry out his name like before. He pushed even harder, deeper, and quicker into her and at that moment she came. Buffy's body arched in every place on his as her loud moans filled the room. She bit down on his shoulder and in that moment her lover came to. Their orgasms passed in minutes and Angelus slowed his drive in her once more. Buffy felt the sweat that was covering their bodies as he moved against her. He collapsed on her chest and their heavy breaths were the only sounds they heard. Except for Angelus. When he layed his head down on her chest, he heard her heart beating loudly and quickly. Hunger began to overtake the vampire as he realized that he hadn't had a thing - or person - to eat that night. Buffy didn't know how, but she knew what he was thinking. "You can if you want to," she whispered into his ear. Angelus looked at her in shock. She wanted him to feed off of her! He shook his head. "No. I won't hurt you like that." "Why not?" "I don't know." And neither one of them knew as they fell asleep, wrapped up in each other. Two bodies intertwined with each other Touching, tasting Calling out each others names Moaning, screaming Two burning flames Gripping, seizing Seeing, exploring Crying for more - Sunrise "What are we doing back here?" Cordelia groaned as Xander and Willow pulled her into the graveyard. Xander rolled his eyes as he explained to his girlfriend the fiftieth time what they were doing there. "We just want to check on Buffy and make sure she's okay." "You mean you want to check on Buffy! I could care less!" "We know, Cordelia," Willow mumbled. "Believe me. We know." "Just making sure you did." Willow sighed and looked over at Xander. "I don't see her. Do you remember exactly where she was?" Xander shook his head. He didn't remember exactly where Buffy had been. He had been at the Bronze with Willow and Cordelia when a feeling of worry washed over him. He was frightened for Buffy. All he knew was that he had to find her. He scanned the cemetary quickly with his eyes, looking for the same gravestone Cordelia had been sitting on earlier. He found it, a few yards away and pointed to the spot. "That way." He and his friends immediately began to run in the direction. It wasn't until they were just a few feet away that Willow stopped them. "Wait," she ordered, her eyes seeming to be focused on something. "Willow, what - " But Xander followed her gaze and saw the "what". On the ground were some of Buffy's clothes. Her tank top and her leather jacket. Beside these objects was a black duster. Xander looked around and saw Buffy's stake against a tree. He shook his head and looked back at the clothes. "Xander," Willow began,"you don't think that she'd - " "We don't even know it's his." "Buffy got lucky?" Cordelia asked, clueless as to what the big deal was all about. "Get them," Xander ordered. "Excuse me?" Cordelia said. "What color do I look to you?" "Just do it!" She threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. If you want to have a little pitch a fit party, that's fine by me," she said as she began to gather up the clothes. Xander was fuming as he clenched his fists and began to walk in the direction of the library. Chapter Two : Apology Angelus awoke to hearing Buffy crying. He opened his eyes to see her sitting up in bed, clutching the cover against her chest. He sat up and rubbed her back. "Buffy, what is it?" he asked worriedly. She looked at him and buried her face into his chest. He held her, although he didn't know what was wrong with her. After a few minutes, he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. "Tell me what's wrong. Did you have a dream about something?" Buffy nodded her head as she cried some more. Her dream had felt so real. She had seen Angel. She had ran to him, expecting him to hold her. He did, but then he pushed her away just as quick. He didn't want anything to do with her. Angelus pushed her hair out of her face and stroked her cheek. "C'mon, baby. Tell me what happened." Buffy gazed up at him, even though she couldn't see him clearly through her tears. "Is he mad at me?" Angelus wasn't sure what she meant, but then it occured to him. She was talking about Angel. He couldn't give her answer. "I don't know. Why are you asking me?" Buffy placed her hand on his chest. "Because he's in you. I know he is. I felt him." Angelus hung his head. She was still thinking about Angel, not him. As much as he hated to admit it, it was killing him. He wanted her to think about him, not his soul. "Buffy...I don't know that," he answered. "I know. I just need to hear you say it. Just say that he doesn't hate me," she pleaded. Angelus brought her lips to his. "He doesn't hate you." It comforted Buffy a little bit, but not enough. She still sobbed uncontrollably. Angelus had to lay her back down and hold her until her shaking subsided. Continue
