Vlad The Impaler

The original Ghoul of Transylvania was a renowned blood-thirsty sadist with a penchant for impaling his victims through the torso, anus or genitals, such was his want. At the height of his reign, he was feared throughout all of Europe. His reputation for blood-curdling torture is well-documented and equally well-deserved.

What is less well-known is that Vladimir was also a keen tea drinker and a purveyor of fine teas. Each morning would begin with a cup of Earl Grey (medium-hot) and an impaling. He often took several cups during the morning.

Afternoons were a more sober affair. Vladimir favoured the subtle taste of Lapsang Souchong during afternoon amputation sessions and, as the blood-letting continued into the evening, Rose Pouchong. Satiated, the beast would then retire for the evening.

On the eve of any battle, Vlad would distribute lemon tea laced with a cocktail of mind-bending hallucinogens amongst his army to give them strength in battle. Impotent until his death, he used the same approach on women to boost his flagging libido and maintain an impressive erection, thus earning him the title of "Vlad the Impaler".

His death is shrouded in mystery but it is widely believed he accidentally drank some of his own drug-laced lemon tea and died of severe anal injuries received during a sexual game involving a fifteen foot wooden stake that went tragically wrong.