Project: The Fibre And Fat Experiment

Case Study: 02/002

Purpose of analysis

Equipment

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Bunsen burner	Tripod	Gauze mat	Test tube	Human log

Method

1. Place the bunsen burner under the tripod with the gauze mat on the top.
2. Put the human log in the test tube.
3. Ignite the bunsen burner.
4. Record the findings.

A recent discovery in the gentlemen's toilets at our corporate headquarters prompted much discussion at one of our regular weekly Analysis Discussion Groups. After much conjecture it was decided that three of the analysts would undertake a project to determine what made human logs float, using a combination of practical experimentation and data gathering techniques to support their findings.

The analysts tasked with this groundbreaking contribution to the scientific world were Dmitri Alexandovich, Sidney Gandillo, and Cuthbert Nedelkoff. It was agreed that for a period of one week, Alexandovich was to eat a fatty diet and Gandillo was to eat a high fibre diet. Nedelkoff was to remain on a regular diet so that accurate comparisions could be made.

Each analyst logged [sic] the findings of each log they produced based on two factors:

• Floatability of log.
• Number of logs produced over a weekly period.

For reasons of common decency and personal hygene, it was assumed that each analyst would honestly record the results of his weekly logs without the need for an independent verification from another analyst and that he would not fabricate the data to unfairly sway the results.

Results

Dmitri Alexandovich recorded thirty-one movements within the seven day period. Of these, twenty-eight were valid. Of the cases that could not be counted, three were of a predominately gaseous nature and one was passed during a particulary frightening encounter with a drunken hooligan in a public house. Of the twenty-eight valid logs, Dmitri recorded the following data:

Sidney Gandillo recorded a total of twenty-nine movements within the same seven day period. Of these, twenty-five were valid. Of the cases that could not be counted, one was passed in his sleep and three before he could reach the toilet and remove his under-garments. Of the twenty-five valid logs, Sidney recored the following results:

Cuthbert Nedelkoff recorded nine movements within the seven day period. Of these, seven were valid. Of the cases that could not be counted, one missed the toilet bowl and hit the floor and one was passed during an electricity blackout. Of the seven valid logs, Cuthbert recorded the following data:

Conclusions

Based on the results above, it is difficult to argue a case for either fat or fibre being the contributory factor in creating a floating log. However, the data provided some other interesting insights into human logs. Clearly fat and fibre contribute to both the floatability of a log and the frequency of logging. The subjects on the fat diet and the fibre diet recorded almost three times the number of movements than the subject whos diet remained unchanged. Additionally, these two subjects recorded a number of inconclusive turds whereas the subject whose diet remained unchanged recorded no inconclusive turds.

Thus we can conclude that if your diet is predominatly fatty or fibrous, you will increase your journeys to the lavatory by 200%, therefore increasing your toilet paper consumption. If the whole nation were to switch to either a fatty or fibrous diet, the analysts predict a huge increase in deforestation as toilet paper manufacturers struggle to keep apace with demand and share prices in the toilet manufacturing industry will enjoy a boom.