Bettian News

FAB Sees Red

Saturday 22nd October

In response to the Government's 'Better Dead Than Red' drive, The Football Association of Bettia announced in a press statement that all clubs within the Bettian league would for forbidden to wear predominantly red shirts.

Islwyn Forbes, chief executive of the FAB, told reporters "Lets face it, red is a ghastly colour. It has all sorts of connotations - blood, anger, fire, Satan, and all things generally evil. Therefore we have taken this step in order to avoid offending any families that might want to attend matches. We will also be politely asking any foreign clubs or national teams who are coming to Bettia to compete to observe this rule."

Grappenhall United FC, the only top-flight team to be affected by this ruling, unveiled their new kit today, changing their traditional plain red strip to a white strip with a red sash. Their Sarzonian international striker Roy Spencer told the local press "I must say, I much prefer this design - its much more stylish than that horrible red tat we were wearing last year."

Bettia Expands!

Thursday 19th October

With all the military expansion occurring in this region, it was only a matter of time before the Bettian government jumped on the bandwagon.

The Department of Defence announced the results of a five-year study, showing that the average waistline of a Bettian soldier has ballooned from a svelte 34 inches to a humongous 34½ inches.

General Abbasi told The Enlightener "Its difficult to say why this has happened. Perhaps its because the army rations aren't quite as tasteless as they used to be, or maybe its just through lack of action - perhaps a good war will get our lads back in shape."

Of course, its not just the armed forces who are affected by this. A spokesman for Bahagia Clothing Concern, who supply the belts for the armed forces, commented "This could have a detrimental effect on our industry. For a start we'll have to move the holes along a bit to accommodate the slightly larger waistline. Its a good job our country doesn't have the large army that some other countries do - if we did, there'd be a national leather shortage!"

A Marrow Made In Heaven?

Monday 16th October

Controversy has rocked the vegetable gardening world as a monster marrow exhibited at a fete in Upper Sweeney broke all records (not to mention the table it was sitting on). The marrow, grown by local couple Mr and Mrs Popford, measured over one metre in length and weighed in at a massive 47kg, beating the previous record by over 5kg.

However, accusations of foul play have blighted this achievement, with rival growers complaining that the couple cheated by using a home-made 'marrow rack' to encourage their prize veg to grow just that little bit longer.

Phil Turner, head of the Upper Sweeney town commitee said "Well, it certainly is unorthodox, but as it stands at the moment, there is nothing in the rules that say they can't do this. Mind you, we're none too pleased about this, and so this sort of thing will be banned from now on."