Funnies

Sum Ting Wong

Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Kum Hia Nao

Dum Gai

Tai Ni Po Ni

Wai Yu So Tan?

Ai Bang Mai Ni

Chin Tu Fat

Wai So Dim?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

No Pah King

Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Lei Ying Lo

Wa Shing Ka

Yu Stin Ki Pu

A: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Q: I have had problems with Kids 1.0. Is there a simple solution?

A: Further to my note on Wife 1.0 and Mistress 1.1, Kids 1.0 upgrade has indeed caused considerable slowdown and other performance difficulties with Wife 1.0, although Mistress 1.1 seems unaffected (subject to the points identified re: Installation on a different system). From experience, the older versions of Kids are preferred.

Q: Fine state of affairs On Wife/Mistress conflict, does Admirer shareware operate efficiently?

A: Any version of Admirer is fairly safe, but it is better kept off your laptop, especially when travelling in a taxi unless you intend to upgrade it to Lover 1.1. If you are running Lover 1.1 or higher, you need to limit your scheduled use of such utilities as MailMan or WindowCleaner. (AppleMac owners are at risk of finding unexpected contents in the PRAM.) Offspring 1.0 is incompatible with both Highlife and Quietlife. Offspring 1.2 or 1.3 will be costly but are worth installing because they may one day provide necessary resources. It will be too late if you wait to launch them until you have memory problems or become dotty.

Q:  Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Man U:Liverpool 3.3, and Popstars 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall does not work in this program. Can you help me?

A: Probably not.

Q: Upgrading from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 has not been a great success. Can I uninstall?

A: You can, but you may need to re-mortgage your house and revert to a student lifestyle of cheap beer and beans on toast.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0, and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden files within your system Would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support�. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). you must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc� key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but very high maintenance. Good luck.

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with
a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG
a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in
her chest.

FRIEND
a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with
him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING
a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT
what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few
weeks together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does,
or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.

SOBER
condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG
a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

A little Friday afternoon nerd humor:  
 
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using.  This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

 
How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot


C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling facility.

Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anythingin this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEFT.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.  THEN return
HANDGUN to HOLSTER.  CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol.  On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If  youfail,  shoot yourself in the right foot.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

From the December 1991 issue of Developer's Insight and later from
The Well.

Have a good weekend

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
--Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
--Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
--Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
-- Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Camille Paglia

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
--Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
--Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
--Tshirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
--Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
--Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
--Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

Once upon a time, in a land far away. A beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy for doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frog legs, seasoned in
white wine and onion cream sauce.
She chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't bloody think so."

Materials safety data sheet

Element: Woman

Chemical symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adamov Eden

Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.659Kg but known to vary from 40 to 200kg

Occurrences: Copious quantities in urban areas

Physical properties

� Surfaces usually covered in painted film ,

� Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason

� Melts if given special treatment

� Bitter if incorrectly used

� Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore'

� Yields if pressure applied in correct places

Chemical properties

� Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones

� Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

� May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason

� Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in alcohol

� Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses

� Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

� Can be great aid to relaxation

� Very effective cleaning agent

Tests

� Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state

� Turns green when placed near a better specimen

Hazards

� Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

� Illegal to possess more than one sample, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with one
another, if they do, evacuate the room IMMEDIATELY and preferably do not return
to the location of exposure for about 10 years !

� Highly volatile if exchanged for a newer sample

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how
you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.

2. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

3. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the
nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children
and last of all the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

4. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals
(mice rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery, and, sometimes,
the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Comes the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

5. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed.
So a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

6. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence, the saying "dirt poor."

7. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
on the floor to help keep their footing.As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. A "thresh hold."

8. They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.Every day, they lit
the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, and then start
over the next day.
Sometimes, the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
From which comes the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

9. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon. "
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

10. Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so, for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl.
Often, trenchers were made from stale pays and bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed, and a lot of times worms and mould got into the wood and old bread.
After eating off wormy moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

11. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

12. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

13. England is old and small, and they started out running out of places to bury people. So they
would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside,
and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth...(Whoever said that History was boring?!)

compliment her

cuddle her

kiss her

caress her

love her

stroke her

tease her

comfort her

protect her

hug her

hold her

spend money on her

dine her

buy things for her

listen to her

care for her

stand by her

support her

go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

show up naked

bring beer

~*~ A big enough hammer fixes anything

~*~ A bird in the hand can be messy.

~*~ A camel is a horse planned by committee.

~*~ A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

~*~ A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

~*~ A closed mind gathers no intelligence

~*~ A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~*~ A committee has 6 or more legs and no brain.

~*~ A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

~*~ A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

~*~ A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

~*~ A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

~*~ A day not wasted is a day wasted!

~*~ A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

~*~ A day without sunshine is like night.

~*~ A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

~*~ A dirty book is rarely dusty.

~*~ A fool and his money are soon SYSOP.

~*~ A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.

~*~ A fool must now and then be right by chance.

~*~ A friend in need is a pest indeed.

~*~ A friend is someone who likes you even after they get to know you.

~*~ A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

~*~ A half moon is better than no moon at all.

~*~ A harp is a nude piano.

~*~ A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

~*~ A library is an arsenal of liberty.

~*~ A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

~*~ A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

~*~ A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

~*~ A man needs a good memory after he has lied.

~*~ A man's best friend is his dogma.

~*~ A man, a plan, a canal. Suez!

~*~ A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.

~*~ A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.

~*~ A perversion of nature....how exciting!

~*~ A pessimist is never disappointed.

~*~ A phaser on stun is like a day without orange juice.

~*~ A rolling stone gathers momentum.

~*~ A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

~*~ A single fact can spoil a good argument.

~*~ A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

~*~ A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.

AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.

AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.

AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK they are called managers.

Ignorance of these laws is no excuse.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.

11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent....................... 12 Calories

Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands........................ 8 Calories

With one hand.......................... 12 Calories

With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:

With an erection....................... 6 Calories

Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories

Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary............................. 12 Calories

69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories

69 standing up......................... 112 Calories

Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories

Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories

Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:

Real................................... 112 Calories

False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories

Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories

30-39 years............................ 80 Calories

40-49 years............................ 124 Calories

50-59 years............................ 972 Calories

60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories

70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:

Calmly................................. 32 Calories

In a hurry............................. 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and
cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a date rape drug going around called
"beer" and it is generally in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to
have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy
home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted. Men often awaken after being given
"beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their
life's worth in a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this
scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

Please! Forward this to every male you know.......... However, if you fall victim to this insidious
drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every
town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner
with a bunch of similarly affected like-minded guys. For the nearest support group near you just
look up 'Public House/Bar/Tavern' in the yellow pages.

1/ How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2/ How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?

The Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3/ How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

4/ How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5/ What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6/ What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?

Polaroids.

7/ What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?

A Stick.

8/ What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9/ What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10/ What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

11/ What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12/ What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

Frostbite.

13/ What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14/ What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15/ Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him. (that's awful!)

16/ Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog..

17/ What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

18/Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer."
-Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair"
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-Eileen, age 8

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the
comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring
her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her
constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart stopping
moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude
shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again............

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES!

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn�t live there.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what�s the speed of dark?

How come you don�t ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don�t they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

Is it true that cannibals don�t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn�t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word �lisp� to have an �s� in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn�t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it�s zero degrees outside today and it�s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold
is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they�re already finished? Shouldn�t they be called builts?

Why do banks charge you a �non-sufficient funds fee� on money they already know you don�t have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the Universe is expanding, what is it
expanding into?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it�s ajar, but when a jar is open, it�s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he�ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and
he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw
a gun at him?

If �con� is the opposite of �pro,� then what is the opposite of progress?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to �cure� it?

Why doesn�t Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys & apes, why do we still have monkeys & apes?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Isn�t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn�t determine who�s right, just who�s left.

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which
of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans
and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone," and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They are great at begging.

8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9. They leave their toys everywhere.

10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats

 A German guy approaches a prostitute.
 "I vish to buy sex vit you".
 "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
 "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
 "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
 So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four Large bedsprings and a duck caller.
 "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
 The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
 "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
 "You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, 
and the guy is paying.
 The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time 
honking on the duck caller. 
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before 
she has recovered the breath to say:"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?".......
 (Please scroll down for the punch line!)
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 "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique".

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under the boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Test Cricket 7.4, Sky Sports 2.2 and World Cup 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Dear User,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2 . Husband 1.0. should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0. to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program - these are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2 which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the operating system.

In summary Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Blow Job 6.9 and that old standby Lingerie 7.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1 .

Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

Seeing a way out I upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all the available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

However I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. Not only that, they then resurfaced months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can without warning launch Hot Tongue 2.1 and Cold Shoulder 4.2 These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law which can't be turned off. Any Suggestions?

Dear User,

Take your whole package Wife 1.0, and trade in for a new improved version........ either Wife 2.0 or Mistress 1.0 !!!

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for
the night. She approached the Receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
�Certainly madam,� he replied courteously.
�Is the restaurant open still?� inquired Mary.
�Sorry, no,� came the reply, �but room service is available all night. Would you care to
select something from this menu?�
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. � I would like cauliflower cheese please,�
�Certainly, madam,� the Receptionist replied.
�And can I have breakfast in bed?� enquired Mary.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
�In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,� Mary said.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
�Morning madam.Did you sleep well?�
�Yes, thank you,� Mary replied.
�Food to your liking?�
�Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don�t think I have had better.
Shame about the eggs, though... they really weren�t that nice at all,�
replied Mary truthfully. �Oh! Well, perhaps you could contribute your thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,�
said the receptionist.
�OK, I will, thanks!� replied Mary. She scribbled a comment into the book and left to
continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book and read:

�Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious�

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened.As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

So, I switched the heads."

1)	The bandage was wound around the wound.
2)	The farm was used to produce produce.
3)	The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4)	We must polish the Polish furniture.
5)	He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6)	The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7)	Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8)	A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9)	When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10)	I did not object to the object.
11)	The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12)	There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13)	They were too close to the door to close it.
14)	The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15)	A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16)	To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17)	The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18)	After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19)	Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20)	I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21)	How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22)	The accountant at the music store records records of the records.

Let�s face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither 
apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren�t invented in England or French fries in France. 
 Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren�t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, 
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
 writers write, but fingers don�t fing, grocers don�t groce and hammers don�t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn�t the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn�t it seem  crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals
 of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of 
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn�t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a 
humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo
 by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? 
 How can a slim chance and a 
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
 How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
 Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?
Met a  sung  hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a  fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it
 burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race 
(which, of course, isn�t a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,  
I end it.

You Know You're Living in the Year 2003 When...

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file
of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a website at the
bottom of the screen.

6. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of
your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go get it.

7. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

8. You just tried to enter your password on the
microwave.

9. You consider second-day air delivery painfully
slow.

10. Your dining room table is now your flat filing
cabinet.

11. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored
Post-it notes.

12. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of
in person.

13. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone
calls.

14. You disconnect from the Internet and get this
awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a
loved one.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before
getting your coffee.

16. You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and
check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

17. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

18. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

19. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to
forward this to. 

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 

4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
 
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
 
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush
. 
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong! 

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 

24) You never ever run out of salt. 

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard 

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 

34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 

 

#10 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 

#9 - "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

#8 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

#7 - "Where did all those f___ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

#6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

#5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

#4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

#3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

#2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in the head!" -JFK,1963

#1 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997


 

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle... 

6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command...Very often, that individual is crazy. 

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

10. Never lick a steak knife. 

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 

13. You will never find anybody giving a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
 
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
 
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
 
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 

19. Your friends love you anyway. 

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, 
and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. 

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife, So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. 
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long 
to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?" 
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very 
nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up
from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? 
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 
"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband. 
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. 
"He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." 
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. 

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
 "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." 
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."