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My buddy, Sam, was just speaking my thoughts - as he often does - about my need to write in this journal. I've been feeling kind of guilty about not writing in here as often as I used to. But, I don't understand my own guilt... it's my journal, and the whole point of starting it, was to help me sort out feelings and clear things in my head, in order to promote GOOD feelings... and now, here I am feeling guilty about it. It would seem, that when my life is cruising along joyfully, and basically uneventfully, I have little desire to write. On the other hand, when I've got some bitching to do, this is the first place I turn. Which, kind of sucks for those of you (as few of you as there may be) who read what I have to say.
But, I'm afraid I'm not here to declare I've changed my ways, and I'm going to dig deep in my soul everyday to write something interesting. Nope. I'm still just gonna come here to bitch. I don't have anything to bitch about... Thank God. I'm happy. (But I didn't just say that, because I'm sure to jinx myself if I did).
One interesting tidbit of info about recent happenings... my ex-husband now knows I'm married again. Indie told him. It's weird. But, mostly I think it's weird because I think he thinks I married somebody else... someone I met immediately after our separation. That bothers me, but I can't put my finger on exactly why. |
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It could be because I think that would be more hurtful to him somehow. It could also be because I don't want him to think I left him for another man. But, here's the sick part of it... it's not because I think that would be harder for him to take, it's because I want him to know I left him because of HIM - not because of someone else. I know him, and he will use this as the excuse he needed. It will explain everything to him. How it was all my fault because I ran out on him with another man - out of the coldness of my heart. I want him to know how much I still think the failing of our marriage was 95% his fault - how he drove me away, and it had nothing to do with anybody but him. Partially this is because I want him to get his shit together before he marries again. But, realistically, and somewhat selfishly, it's most because I dream that someday that lightbulb will turn on in his head as he realizes I had every right to leave him. I guess ultimately I'm glad he knows about my new husband, because eventually I'm bound to run into him - and it'll be less shocking to see that ring on my finger if he's had time to get used to the idea. |
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