Testimonies

I was born into a Taoism/Buddhism family. Throughout my life I've always detested Christianity because of their unsound doctrines like "if you believe me you will live, or you go to hell" sort of thing. And I held true to this view until the night of my conversion.

During the time when I was still serving NS, I was afflicted by a mental illness, "anxiety" as the psychiatrist I went to diagnosed. Due to a whole multitude of problems I felt I was an underachiever, and I lost all self esteem as well as all interest in my life (Note by Sharen : Underachiever? Mental illness? Today, Feng is a Philosophy student at an Australian University). I would also flare up regulary at home, punching the wall was a way to relieve/express my anger and stress.

I remember once I was so pissed with myself (yes most of the anger is directed towards myself) that I punched the punching bag I hung outside my room till my knunckles, knees and elbows were sore. The feeling of anguish is like having something irritating inside your heart and trying to get out but you cannot release it. When your limbs are sore from trying to release tension but still the anger remains, you'll feel the kind of helplessness I felt. And it was during that time I broke down and cried. I felt the world was against me, fate was against me; I was fighting a battle alone in this god-forsaken world.

This carried on for a long time. As the days went by, I felt this urgent need for comfort. But I found no comfort around me. Being in the army where everyone are guys, I became "desperate". And if you ever felt loneliness at its extreme it feels like a knife cutting into your soul.

During the time when I was clearing my leave in the army, the loneliness struck even more often and the anguish and hatred will follow on. One especially LONELY night I woke up abruptly and I felt agitated again. I logged on to the Internet Irc in hope of finding someone to talk to. I logged on and went to #the_matrix which is a channel opened by my campmate. A girl I know nicked lemontea was in the channel, so I complained to her about how unfair the world is; why bastards are always living like kings and good people were always suffering. Well, she tried her best to talk to me.

So during the conversation (most of it involving me grumbling about how fate is wrong to me how people had been wrong to me), i decided that perhaps my personality is not suitable to survive in this harsh world. So I told myself and lemontea that from now on I'll become a bastard; I'll forsake all rules that made me up. If anyone slaps my left cheek, i'll smash his right. I decided to become a bastard with no rules to obey. I would lie, cheat my way to get what I want. So I thought it might be a good game to disturb and mock the goody pple at #christian. I went in and was starting my nonsense about God not existing and about good people being tortured while bastards reigned, about good people always sufferring and losing while the evil-doers got off scot-free. The god they believe in does not exist. So normally while "wierdos" like me goes to a channel to disturb the people there, they would kick/banned me, but I guess it was a no-op day that I managed to stay in the channel and it was already 3am when I was doing this. The Christians (Protestants) in there were like giving me a "fu*k off" attitude, treating me like dirt. But there was this Catholic guy nicked Veni who was busy explaining to me about God's existence, and cutting and pasting a whole load of quotes from the Bible and from whoknowswhere. And I was softening to his persistance, and when I saw a quote, " I leave you peace, my peace I give you. A peace the world cannot give..." the words seemed to have a reason and a feeling, and like MAGIC, my hate receded and my anger left me. I felt God's Peace working in me. My mind was churning. I began to think of the times when I felt this peace too when I saw Mary's picture in my friend's place. At that time I waved it away, but this had happened again. I cannot in my right mind pretend that it never happened. Then I began to remember how God saved me the first time when I was thrown out of my first secondary school and a Catholic school, Haising High, took me in. The principal, being a Catholic, took me into his school. Now as a staunch catechumen i believe that it was God's first step to get me into the Faith.

Well the story doesn't end here.

Two or three nights after I decided to accept God into my life, I felt an abrupt change in me. I don't have the anger/loneliness/hatred anymore! It's like gone... whoosh... disappeared... Once I even tried to think about the past unhappy times to get them coming back, but i just couldn't be made upset again.

Then the miracle came. One night while I was sleeping I felt a tingling down my spine and woke up. Then i felt something like 'God's presence' in my room coming in from the balcony. So automatically my hands clasped themselves as if in prayer. And I felt someone lifting me up, higher and higher. Well the 'lifting' was not a physical thing since I'm sure I could still feel the bed, but I felt like my soul was being lifted. I was worried and said, "God, (I'm afraid) please let me down." And at once the lifting feeling was gone. So I thought since the person who lifted me responded to the name "God", it's likely He's God Himself! I gathered courage and closed my eyes again. This time I allowed myself to be lifted. During the 'lifting journey' I felt this intense peace. It was more than anything I've felt. It was really very OUT OF THE WORLD feeling. And also this ecstatic feeling; I felt sooo happy. I've never felt as happy before, and there was a 'controlled' feeling about this happiness, not wild like after having drugs or alcohol. And I felt there were like bells chiming and white light and sparkles surrounded me.

Then at the end of the journey I reached this place where there were white marble pillars and green marbled floors. The pillars seemed like rising up so high you cannot see the top and there was no ceiling. A haze seem to be covering the ground of the place. And there were people in there; Indians, Chinese, Malays, Caucasians etc. all of them with a pleasant expression. I began to explore the place. In that place you don't walk but "whooshed" around, although those people I saw in there were definitely walking. Then this middle aged lady dressed in grey (she looked Caucasian to me) took me to this room where she began to teach me stuff, using diagrams in the air. I saw what she taught me and before waiting for her to stop I began whooshing round the place exploring. I began to talk to this pretty young Indian lady before I dropped back to earth again. When I woke up I saw the wall in front of me all covered with cockroaches, or what I thought were cockcroaches, and they were all moving out of my place. Next I fell asleep. Regarding what the lady taught me in the "vision/visitation" I've forgotten. Well, my visitation to that place MIGHT be a dream, but the intense peace and happiness I've felt was totally tangible and true. I'm 100% sure it's real.

2 Weeks later I met up with Veni (well we became very good friends) to Church of St Mary of the Angels, abbreviated as SMOTA. Veni wanted to teach me something about the Rosary and passed me some religious stuff. Before Mass started, Veni bought me a rosary and a Miraculous Medal. He began to explain to me about the Miraculous Medal and showed me the image of Mary in the front and the twelve stars symbolising the Apostles as well as two hearts at the back. When I saw the stars I was stunned, so much that I couldn't hear what Veni was trying to tell me, because the stars were WHAT I saw in the diagrams of what the lady in grey showed me. The M and the hearts were also very familiar.

To me now, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT THAT GOD AND MARY EXIST. I say to myself if God does exist, WHY DON'T YOU WORSHIP HIM?

This is a TRUE life story. I've always been a stubborn mule but these series of miracles made me know about God's existence! God is Truth!!

Ex-anti-Christianity guy --- Feng, changed and reborned.