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lordragoon
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." -- Wernher von Braun
"OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything."
"Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?"
"Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed."
"If at first you don't succeed, shoot the witnesses and bury all evidence you tried."
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
"WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above text, as apparently my cats have learned how to type."
"Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we shouldn't show it off."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
"Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students."
"Two things that are essential to life is WD 40 and duct tape. If it moves and it isn't supposed to use the duct tape. If it doesn't move and it's supposed to use the WD 40."
"Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
"All Scottish food is based on a dare."
"Trans corpus meum mortuum." - Over my dead body.
"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King
"Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes." - If you can read this, you're overeducated.
"Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them."
"These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig."
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
"Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg."
"Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol."
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it)."
"School: Place where people learn how to copy textbooks, for that common situation in later life when the photocopier breaks and you realy need part of a book you can't borrow."
"I'd be a fundamentalist, if I could just stop laughing."
"Just remember, sometimes the dragon wins."
"Normal is that which nobody quite is."
"Obviously the "C" in "rap" is silent."
"Punk medicine - take 2 of anything and call anyone you want."
"Today's been one hell of a week."
"Life's a mean dog with big teeth and I'm wearing milkbone underwear."
"When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do."
"Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane."
"Yes, I'm weird, but I'm saving to be eccentric."
"Why experiment on animals with so many fundamentalists out there?"
"If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go."
"They're so CUTE when they're righteous."
"Now I'm here, and history is vindicated."
"Danger! Attention Span Exceeded!"
"Heck is reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh."
"I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please hold."
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
"One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go."
"Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway."
"Creationism - The belief that common sense is wrong."
"I'll believe in God as soon as he smacks me in the head."
"That which does not kill me makes me stranger."
"Weird enough for all practical purposes."
"God & I only notice each other on important occassions."
"I love animals. I've been arrested for it."
"If hackers ran the world there'd be no war. A lot of accidents, maybe..."
"Many people own cats... and go on to lead normal lives."
"Interfer not with the affairs of dragons for thou art crunchy and go well with barbeque sauce."
"Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled."
"Don't Annoy The Crazy Person."
"You may touch the dust just don't write in it."
"Go with God. (my car's full...)"
"(Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep Over."
"When in doubt, poke it with a stick."
"I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time."
"Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!"
"In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said: We good. And God saw it was too late."
"Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right."
"ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again."
"Remember: Objects in rearview mirror may be hallucinations. Slam on brakes accordingly."
"We share half of our genome with bananas; a fact more evident in some of my colleagues than others." -- Robert May
"Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard."
"(A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ill innocent bystanders"
"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now."
"JESUS SAVES (but Norton does backups)."
"A shortcut is the longest distance between two points."
"You're just jealous coz the voices are talking to ME!!!!"
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
"I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but it has come to my attention that if you call for a Pizza right after you called the police because your house was robbed, the Domino Truck will get there first!"
"Madness takes its toll, so please have exact change."
"If your experiment needs statistics, you ought to have done a better experiment."
"I am Telkom of Borg. Connection is irrelevant. Modem will be assim +++ NO CARRIER"
"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it." -- Edgar Allan Poe
"Anything written down is true."
"Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes."
"You know, I'm only smiling cuz they haven't found the bodies yet..."
"Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic..."
"You will know pain, and you will know fear, and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight."
"Illigitmi non carborundum!" -- Don't let the bastards wear you down.
"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."
"Attention, we will be testing reality. Please disregard any alarms."
"Dyslexics have more fnu."
"Heaven hath no spam..."
"Hey, Darwin! Bite me!" -- God
"I'll give up my guns, just let me empty 'em first."
"I've upped my standards, now up yours."
"Just have faith in your madness."
"Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit."
"Mary had a little lamb, support Planned Parenthood."
"Never argue with a man carrying a water-buffalo."
"Why attack God? He's as sad about us as we are."
"Would you quit being evil over my shoulder?"
"Cute rots the intellect."
"Go thou, and sin more creatively."
"I used to be sane, but now I'm better."
"I have gone to find myself. If you see me before I get back, please keep me here."
"Military intelligence is an oxymoron."
"The only way to really be unique is to follow your own emotions."
"When one door closes, another opens, but you were too busy looking at the closed door to notice."
"Take the road less traveled. It may not get you were you want to go, but at least you'll avoid the traffic."
"The future becomes the present, the present the past, the past turns into everlasting regret if you didn't plan for it."
"Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity."
"Never play 'Battleship' with a known liar."
"Nailing your head to drywall significantly reduces the chance of stupidity."
"Against logic, there is no armor like ignorance."
"You can't turn a thing upside down if you don't know which way is up."
"When I was a kid, I was told that anyone could become president; know I'm beginning to believe it."
"Rowe's Rule: The odds are 6 to 1 that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train."
"A tourist is a man who drives hundreds of miles to be pictured standing in front of his car."
"I hate all sports as rabidly as a man who likes all sports hates common sense." - Mencken
"Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom."
"If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either."
"Mediocracy - It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice until it's too late."
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain concious during algebra. In real life, there is no such thing as algebra."
"This summer I want to go to the beach and bury small metal objects that say 'Go get a life.'"
"It's not idiotic, it's rightidiotic!"
"Close is only good in horseshoes and hand grenades."
"You know the world's f***ed up if:
The best rapper's white
The best golfer's black
The French call the US arrogant
Germany's against war
A Kennedy starts making sense
MAD TV accurately predicts future"
"There are times when the wolves are silent and the moon howls." - silent_darkstalker.
"The ideal form of goverment is democracy tempered by assassination." -Voltaire
"The illegal is done immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
"The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums."
"Love thine enemies. It really pisses them off."
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
"In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it."
"There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous."
"On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, 'Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.'"
"Don't talk about yourself so much. We'll do that when you leave."
"Vuja de: I'll see this again."
"The slower people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you beat them."
"If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."
"A tree never hits a car, except in self defense."
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see, do the other trees make fun of it?"
"When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?"
"How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?"
"Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert."
"A day without sunshine is... like, night."
"Above all else: sky."
"In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?"
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty."
"Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper."
"Never say 'OOPS'. Say 'Interesting'."
"Don't hate yourself in the morning... sleep til noon."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"All that glitters has a high refractive index."
"Some people have a way with words, while others... em... thingy..."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"Save time... see it my way."
"Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport."
"If I want your opinion... I'll ask you to fill out the forms."
"A penny saved is a penny still."
"Don't leave things unfinishe"
"A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken."
"I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes. I thought, 'Man, these aren't very good shoes.'"
"There's a fine line between fishing and stand on the shore looking like an idiot."
"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water."
"Support Search and Rescue: Get lost."
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
"To err is human. And stupid."
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it."
"If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
"Last night, as I lay looking at the stars, I thought,'Where the hell is the ceiling?!'"
"Someday we'll look back on all this, and plow into a parked car."
"It happens. People just explode. Natural causes."
"If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants."
"A good way to tell if a curse has been put on you is if, when you open a box of toothpicks, they fly out and stab you in the face."
"Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished."
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."