Why are math dorks attracted to the clarinet?
Easy... because it is the only High School Marching Band instrument that comes apart in FIVE major pieces, and neatly packs away in a tiny James Bond type case. Think of it... trumpets and saxophones only have 2 parts; the main body itself and the mouthpiece (b-o-r-i-n-g). Flutes and trombones require a 3-piece assembly (yawn), even though the damned things might as well be welded together.
But the grandiose clarinet has 5 easy-to-remove parts: the bell, lower body, upper body, the neck and a wide selection of mouthpieces. We must prepare the math nerd for future home improvement projects. Another main draw are the accessories; spare reeds, cork grease and key oil! Is that way too cool or what?
And don't forget those huge cases that some of these other instruments come in! Are we lugging aroung some kind of futuristic machine gun? Or maybe it's just a simple sort of pool stick with a big ol' rod'n'reel compartment? No, it's only this heavy piece of plummimg with holes in it.
The so-called math nerd continues his love affair with the clarinet when he realizes it is the only woodwind that can stretch a full octave-and-a-half per register; a real he-man musical device. Other woodwinds fail (like the flute or saxophone) as they can only produce a sissy single octave per register.
Meanwhile, piccollos and tubas are mere dog whistles compared to the multi-ranged licorice stick.
Note |
E |
F |
F# / Gb |
G |
G# / Ab |
A |
A# / Bb |
B | ||||||||||
| Left Hand |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 LE |
T 1 2 3 LE |
T 1 2 3 LF |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 LF |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 LF# |
T 1 2 3 LF# |
T 1 2 3 LF |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 LF# |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 |
| Right Hand |
4 5 6 RE |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 RE |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF# |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 RF# |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RG# |
4 5 6 RG# |
4 5 |
4 |
4 B |
5 |
6 |
Note |
C |
C# / Db |
D |
D# / Eb |
E |
F |
F# / Gb |
G |
G# / Ab |
A |
A# / Bb |
B |
C | |||||||||||
| Left Hand |
T 1 2 3 |
T 1 2 3 C# |
T 1 2 |
T 1 2 D# |
T 1 2 |
T 1 |
T 1 |
T |
T 1 2 D# |
1 |
T |
T Ab |
Ab |
T Ab |
A |
A Ab |
Ab |
R A |
A |
Ab |
A |
R A |
R A | |
| Right Hand |
|
|
|
|
Eb |
4 |
|
|
Gb Eb |
|
Gb Eb |
|
|
Gb Eb |
|
|
Bb |
|
Bb |
C |
C |
Bb |
C Bb | |
Note |
B |
C |
C# / Db |
D |
D# / Eb |
E |
F |
F# / Gb | ||||||||||
| Left Hand |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 LE |
TR 1 2 3 LE |
TR 1 2 3 LF |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 LF |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 LF# |
TR 1 2 3 LF# |
TR 1 2 3 LF |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 LF# |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 |
| Right Hand |
4 5 6 RE |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 RE |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF# |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 6 RF# |
4 5 6 |
4 5 6 RG# |
4 5 6 RG# |
4 5 |
4 |
4 B |
5 |
6 |
Note |
G |
G# / Ab |
A |
A# / Bb |
B |
C |
C# / Db |
D | ||||
| Left Hand |
TR 1 2 3 |
TR 1 2 3 C# |
TR 1 2 |
TR 1 2 |
TR 1 2 D# |
TR 1 2 |
TR 1 |
TR 1 |
TR |
TR 1 2 D# |
TR |
TR Ab |
| Right Hand |
|
|
4 5 |
|
|
Eb |
4 |
|
|
Gb Eb |
Gb Eb |
|
Note |
C#/Db |
D |
D#/Eb |
E |
F |
F#/Gb |
G |
G#/Ab |
A |
A#/Bb |
B |
C |
||||||||||||
| Left Hand |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 C# |
TR 1 2 3 C# |
TR 2 |
TR 1 2 |
TR 2 |
TR 2 D# |
TR 3 C# |
TR 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR 2 3 |
TR Ab 2 3 C# |
TR 2 3 C# |
TR 1 2 |
TR 1 2 Ab |
TR 1 |
TR 1 Ab |
TR 1 Ab |
| Right Hand |
4 5 |
4 RG# |
4 B RG# |
5 RG# |
6 RG# |
RG# |
RG# |
4 5 6 |
RG# |
4 5 6 RG# |
4 5 RG# |
RG# |
RG# |
4 B RG# |
4 B RG# |
4 RF# |
|
Gb Eb |
4 5 6 RF |
4 5 RF# |
4 5 RG# |
4 RG# |
4 RG# |
4 RF# |
Warning: Some of these are real corny, while others are just plain ol' bad. But I still couldn't resist!
Q: How do you make a plastic clarinet sound better than a wooden one?
A: Don't play it at all.
Q: What do you call a guy with a clarinet?
A: Anything you want (and get away with it).
Q: What do you call a girl with a clarinet?
A: Lonely.
Q: How do you get a clarinetist to play in tune?
A: Add about 4 or 5 sharps to the key signature of his score.
Q: What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
A: A piccolo has more holes.
Q: Why did the piccolo player lose her job at the restaurant?
A: Everyone else thought the tea kettle kept going off.
Q: Why doesn't the piccolo have a lead part in the Ninth Symphony?
A: Beethoven wasn't that deaf!
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to remove the bulb, one to turn on the switch,
and another to stick his tongue in the socket.
Q: Why didn't the tuba player cross the road?
A: The stop sign never turned green.
Q: When did the tuba player get a job in the orchestra?
A: After the chimpanzee escaped.
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a tire?
A: When a tire goes flat, no-one usually expects it.
Q: Why do trumpets have spit valves?
A: Just in case any clean water gets trapped inside.
Q: What happens when you clean out all the crud from a trumpet?
A: It completely falls apart!
Q: How do you get a trumpeter to play in tune?
A: Nobody knows; that hasn't happened yet.
Q: Why aren't trumpets made out of tin?
A: So they can continue to make piccolos.