Sigh.. Here it is 3am and Im up yet again. My major disfunction is that I think way too much. The silliest things sometimes, and others I mull over the painful no matter how much I tell myself I need to let it go, some part of me refuses. I don't know why.. I know it does me no good to hold on to those thoughts and feelings that are painful, I know its only going to make me more and more upset to do so - probably to the point that is now my thoughts that are hurting me more than the original acts.. So I get up, and try to distract myself.. and tonight it didn't work.. So I thought Id write things down and see if that helped.. cause often it does.. guess one of the best ways to get something out of my brain is through my fingers... go figure.
Ok.. so someone I know did something, and it hurt. Im not going to get into it.. cause frankly I haven't told the person. I don't think I will. I probably should... but i KNOW the person didn't do it intentionally... and the last thing I want to do is create a problem where there really isn't one.. well ok, so there is a problem cause im upset, but I'll get over it in time. But this incident got me thinking about past relationships I have had on line.
A number of them have helped to shape the person I am today. I actually lost track of who I was for a while trying to be the person I thought my hubby wanted me to be.. I realized what I was doing, and resented him for making me feel I had to change.. so instead of harboring those feelings, I tried to recapture that which was me.. hubby is a lot mellower than I am, and I felt I needed to tame my 'wild' side. I had a hard time recapturing that. Thanks to a few people I met, it was easier. and I like who I am a lot more now than I did three or four years ago.
Anyway.. In the three years Ive been on the internet, Ive still got one friend from the begining. *waves at T*. Over time, the other friendships I have formed have fallen away.. like those you would form at work.. When you get another job, there is always promises of getting together, or writing, but it never seems to happen - unless you've been there an obnoxiously long time.. I miss these friends... I also miss having these friendships.. Its so not easy to meet people on the net any more. When I got on line, I started out in the Yahoo chats.. (with a windows 3.1 with 8mb of ram.. it wasn't pretty) back then, you could go into a chat room, and ACTUALLY CHAT.. it was so much fun. Like great big parties. But then they updated yahoo chat to make it easier and easier to PM (private message) someone, and now when you go into a room, there is never anyone talking... there can be 30 people in the room.. but they are all stalking and waiting for some chick to come on line.. ok so that's probably an overstatement.. but the last few times I logged on, I got 5-10 PM's asking me to do some of the foulest things. the worst opening line was (and get this I got it more than once) what kind of birth control do you use? When I asked why on earth they would ask that, the answer was so I can imagine f*cking you better. *rolls eyes* Doesn't matter what room I go into.. tech chat, star trek, local rooms.. And why is it no one knows the defination of flirting any more. these pervs hear flirt, they think sex.. and most of the time its in person sex.. I met a couple that KNEW i was married, and not interested in a real life sexual relationship (knew cause I told them many times) but they still insisted that I drive how ever long it took to meet them to have sex with them. Was after the second one of those that I pretty much gave up on chatting.
ANYWAY.. where on earth am I going with this... *reads back* I have no idea. I guess that I treasure the friendships that I have.. despite any flaws... we're human.. we all have them...
ugh.. its now 4:30.. Im tired.. but my mind is still on its silly treadmill.
maybe some 'warm milk'
Ranted by ~*Connie*~ at 4:21 AM
