Chapter 7:
"Are we theeeeere yet???" Miaka complained as they walked their second mile straight.
"Naw, I think we still have a couple hundred miles to go," Nuriko said in a cheerful tone as he went to work on his manicure some more.
"Well, we better get there soon," Hotohori complained as he picked some of his lunch out of his teeth. "I haven�t had sex in two whole days, and if I don� find a whore soon, I think I�ll die."
As if on cue, a voluptuous brunette emerged from the bushes and looked at the traveling threesome pitifully. "Excuse me�" she began in a sexy voice. "I was trying to find my way back to the whore house�but I got lost�" she said sadly as she bit her lower lip.
In one leap, Hotohori was by her side (though he had fallen down in the process) and was all over her. "Don� worry, you poor thing, you, Hotohori�ll find your home�if you�ll just sleep with me, that is�"
"Hmph!" Nuriko said in disgust. "Not only is he crooked and ugly, but he�s oversexed as well."
"Should we just leave him here to catch up with us?" Miaka suggested hopefully.
"Now you know he has no sense of direction," Nuriko argued with a frown. "He�d be wandering around with that whore in circles until they both died of starvation�" Nuriko suddenly smiled. "Hey, not a bad way to go�"
Miaka gave him an "Aw, Nuriko," look and turned her attention back to Hotohori and the brunette. The president had wasted no time, and got the young prostitute down to her underwear.
"I�m a president, y�know�" Hotohori said as he clumsily fumbled with her bra strap. "Does power excite you?"
"Oh yesssss," she said intensely as she helped the president along by taking her bra off for him.
"Aw, for the love of God!" Nuriko complained in disgust as he shielded his eyes from the gross sight before him. Miaka, however, was making the best of the situation, and had set a booth up in front of the dirty pair, and was racking in a lot of cash selling tickets.
"Mmm, Hotohori�." The prostitute cooed out of breath. "You have such an, uh, interesting d***!" Hotohori suddenly looked up from her breasts he had been nibbling on�something was strange about them�they were now black and box-shaped.
"Aw, s*** it�s him," he grumbled as the angry crowd of spectators stormed up to Miaka and demanded their money back.
"F*** you, you stupid girl! Why�d ya censor the show on us like that??!" one complained as he grabbed Miaka�s ear and twisted it. No sooner had he committed this act of violence, than a black box appeared over his hand. "What the h***??" he gasped.
"It�s not my fault!!" Miaka tried to explain as she pulled a knife out and stabbed at one of her attackers. Suddenly, the knife turned into a flower and was shoved in her face and she found herself saying "Mmm, smells good�" She shook her head vigorously and threw the flower on the ground.
"Okay Tasuki, I know you�re out there! Just show your sorry a** before I @$^@$&$#$^$&$%&@$^#$ 2$^$&@$&^#& !%!$% !#%!% !#%#$^$%&$ !$^%&^%*#%^@%$^ so you won�t be able to even DREAM about @$%&$*# anymore!!!" she threatened with a clenched fist.
Slowly (but surely), Tasuki emerged from behind a tree with a friendly smile on his ugly face. "So nice to see you again, my dear," he said with a little bow.
"Eww! Get the h*** away from me!!" Miaka screamed in terror as she rushed to Nuriko.
"Hey, why�re you hiding behind me, jacka**??" Nuriko complained. "I can�t really protect you; I�m just a weak cross-dresser!!"
Tasuki popped up next to Nuriko. "You just think you can�t do anything, but you can!! Just put your mind to it! I think you�re a wonderful person," he said as he admiringly leaned on Nuriko�s shoulder. Nuriko promptly collapsed under the weight of the skinny man and ran for his life.
"Don�t run! I�m so sorry if I offended you in any way!!" Tasuki yelled, running after the scared man.
Meanwhile, Hotohori�s prostitute got up and slapped Hotohori. "Honestly! What a dirty trick to play on me!"
"I�m sorry�" he drawled. "I didn� know he�d be back�" The prostitute left in a huff and Hotohori fell to his knees crying. "Ohhhhh," he wailed. "What�ll I doooo??? I need to f*** SOMEBODY!!" he slowly looked up and his eyes fell on Miaka. Drool trickled out of his mouth.
"Oh no�" Miaka protested with a nervous smile, backing away. "Let�s not do anything hasty now�"
"Aw come on!" Hotohori whined. "Gimme a break! I need some p**** DESPERATELY!!"
"HEEEELLLLPP!!" Miaka cried as she ran for her life. And thus, the three seishi and their miko ran wildly through the woods for such a long time that it�s too boring to mention, so we�ll examine what was going on in Kuso at the time.
"Holy, holy, holy is the one, my truuuuuuue diety," Screwy-Yui sang on in an ugly (but enthusiastic) voice in Nakago�s church choir. All the other church-goers smiled at her whispering "Oh, what a lovely girl!" and "Bless her little heart" to each other.
After the hymn, Nakago took his place at the pulpit. "Thank you for coming today, my brothers and sisters," he squeaked on in falsetto. "I am sure that the one we worship�"
"Aaaaa-men!"
"Would be proud of what he sees today!!"
"You preach it, brother!"
"The world is corrupt!"
"Oh, mercy! Corrupt!"
"And yet, our lord has mercy on us!!"
"Oh glory be to him! Glory be!!!"
"We are gathered here today�because the lord sees something�something he doesn�t like�"
"Oh, lord!"
"He sees fowl language!"
"Oh, praise him!"
"He sees pornography!!"
"Oh blessed be!!"
"And yet few people stand up to it�brothers�sisters�I have a very special guest for you this morning�she is a blessed little lamb with a message for you all!!"
Cheers rang throughout the sanctuary.
"Please come up! Sister-Soi!"
There was clapping and reverent singing and organs playing softly as a short, stubby old woman took the platform.
"Thank you, brothers and sisters!" she piped up in a voice that only her mother could love. "Like brother-Nakago said so beautifully, there�s a battle we must all fight."
"Aaaaa-men!!!"
"Our lord has called us to change the world!! And I have brought with me, these precious youth, who are committed to the lord!"
"Oh, praise the lord!"
A few young boys walked up to the pulpit with the old woman. One carried a string with two balls hanging from it, another carried a flute and was identically ugly as the one before him; one was a handsome tall man wearing a robe, another was a short man in rather subdued clothing, and the last was probably the most handsome man in the history of the universe.
They all acknowledged their cheering audience until Soi quieted them down so the first two boys could speak.
"Thank you all, brothers and sisters," the first vomit-colored-hared boy spoke. "I am Amiboshi, and this is my once Siamese-twin brother Suboshi. Ours is a sad, sad story�" he paused for support from the crowd and continued. "When we were born, we were connected at the sexual organs." The crowd held their breath, not quite sure if this were appropriate for a church or not, but listened on anyway. "When we were separated, there was only one set to go between the both of us, so one of us got the penis, while the other got the testicles." The crowd grimaced in shock, but Nakago smiled on at the boys to continue.
"I got the penis," Suboshi piped up in an ear-piercing high voice. "And Amiboshi got the testicles."
"So I carry this flute to compensate for my loss�"
"And I carry these balls on a string to compensate for my loss," Suboshi added with an angelic smile.
"We are social outcasts because our bodies are different�but we are equal in the lord�s sight!"
"Oh, let us praise his holy name!!"
"So we wish to connect with those other troubled youths, and bring them to the light!"
"Oh praaaaaise the lord!!!"
"Thank you very much for listening, brothers and sisters." The Bosh-brothers took a bow and stepped back, letting their friends talk about their campaign against homosexuality, the campaign against practicing witchcraft, and the campaign for the prevention of cruelty to animals.
Tamahome anxiously observed the church scene before him. He had always been told by his father that there was no God, but seeing these people so happy and full of life, he felt something was somehow different about them�something he wanted to experience too.
Nakago and the other seiryuu seishi then concluded with a lovely song and dance on how humans should all be kind to each other. Tamahome jumped up onto the platform, adding his own inspirational verse in his beautiful voice, and Yui had a stunning solo, and the whole congregation was merry and inspired�oh don�t you just want to vomit?
So anyway, back on the trail�
"OOOOWWWW!!!" Miaka complained as she landed hard on her butt. "That hurt like f***!!"
"Shhh�" Tasuki said nervously as he frantically tried to help her get off the muddy ground. "I would be quiet if I were you, miss�" Tasuki advised her in the same nervous tone. "It�s getting kind of dark�"
"What�samatter??? Scared??" Hotohori asked in a threatening tone.
"Yes, I AM," Tasuki said, being the first man (or a close approximation of one) to admit being scared.
"So�m I!!" Hotohori said, being the second man (or a close�well, you get the point.)
The two scaredy-cats clutched each other for strength while Nuriko decided it was time for a face pack, and Miaka (having nothing better to do) danced around in circles until something interesting came along.
And something interesting DID come along�a tiger.
"HOLY S***!!!" Nuriko cried out in fear, discarding his face pack and running for his life. The others followed closely behind, shouting out other censored profanities until Nuriko tripped over his skirt and the whole party toppled over like dominoes. All they could do was close their eyes and wait to be eaten�or hope that the author was in a good mood at the time and decided to write in a rescuer. Well, what do you know! The author IS in a good mood�
"Bad kitty! Bad!" yelped a voice so high-pitched that if there were any glass around, it would cover its ears and say "ouch! That�s a high-pitched voice!"
The tiger growled at her master, who emerged from the bushes as the shortest, skinniest man�or was he a man?? He scolded the large kitty.
"Now, how many times have I told you not to anger travelers? All you ever seem to do these days is eat, sleep, and attack strangers!" the tiger gave her master a pleading look. "And don�t you look at me like that, you jacka**, you! I�ve just about had enough of your silly immature games; what with all that running around, and growling, and prowling, you�ll get yourself arrested, you stupid, good-for-nothing swine! Why, I outta have you tied up to a tree and beat senseless for the stupid little beast you are! And don�t you give me that tone! You hear??! I wouldn�t give you any sympathy if you were even poor as a church mouse who�s just had an enormous bill on the very day her husband ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese! You�re just a bad, bad, bad, bad kitty! A bad kitty! Now look at these nice travelers! Do they look like they would harm you? What do we have here? An anorexic, a slob, a prissy Brit, and a transvestite? Hardly threatening material if you ask me. Now if they looked like that Arnold Schwarzy-guy (what a man!) now THAT would be something to be reckoned with, lemme TELL YOU! But the next time I see you�"
"SHUT THE F*** UP!!!!!" Nuriko screeched at the top of his lungs. "D***it, man! You just don�t stop blabbing, DO YOU??"
The little man put his hands on his thin hips. "Talk to much? Me? Why, the thought never crossed my mind! Sure, I often speak what�s on my mind without thinking, which often annoys people, mind you, and I often speak in a run-on sentence, so I�ve been told, but the thought has never crossed my mind that I would ever be a lengthy speaker."
Miaka scratched her head, itching to ask him to repeat what he just said, but not willing to deserve a slap in the face for it. "Uh, who are you?"
"Why, my name�s Juan! I�m from the magic far, far away land of Mexico, where few have been and returned alive, and this here kitty is my pet, Tina. She seems kinda ferocious, but she�s really sweet once you get to know her. I�ve been living in this area for, oh, about twelve years now, and�"
Nuriko let out a loud groan. "Can SOMEBODY throw a bag over his head or something?" he complained.
Miaka happily produced a paper bag, ready to carry out Nuriko�s will when Tasuki perked up.
"By Jove, he�s a Suzaku seishi!" he exclaimed, pointing to the glowing word on the man�s hand.
"No way!!" Miaka cried, throwing her bag and letting it land on Nuriko�s head. She rushed up to the man and examined the word.
"J-a-c-k-a-*-*�" she read out, sounding the stars as beeps. "D***, Tasuki can�t you turn off the censoring so I can read what his character says??" she complained.
Tasuki firmly shook his head. "Absolutely not."
"But really? You�re a seishi?" Miaka asked in disbelief.
"Why yes, though I consider myself more from my original profession. I�m a demolition man really. I run a private business of my own and�"
"SHUT UP!!!" Miaka, Nuriko, and Hotohori yelled in unison.
"I apologize for my colleagues� rudeness," Tasuki said in an embarrassed tone. "Would you mind telling us your seishi name�perhaps, in five words or less?"
"Mitsukake. That short enough?"
Miaka counted her bony fingers with an intent expression on his face and giggled. "No, that was EIGHT words, you fool!" she cried with glee, happy that she had solved such a difficult mathematics problem
Tasuki smiled warmly to the new seishi. "Welcome to the group, Mitsukake! We�re so glad to have you here!"
"Why thank you! I don�t really know what you guys are doing, and what a Suzaku seishi really is anyway, but I heard it was a lovely thing to be, a suzaku seishi, that is, and I have so dreamed of meeting up with you guys and doing whatever you do. I know I might get in the way at times, but I�ll try my best to be a good traveling companion and�"
Um, could Mitsukake please refrain from speaking so much? My fingers hurt like h***!
"Oh, sorry."
to chpater 8...